Disclaimer: I do not own Brütal Legend, That's the Property of Tim Schafer and Double Fine.
BRÜTAL LEGEND: LAND OF METAL
Part 1. Welcome To The Land Of Metal
(The Realm of the Gods, Panem)
(Kabbage Boy backstage)
(Eddie's point of view)
...He was the chosen one...
...Code of honor ruled in his life...
...Shining axe was his sign...
...With sword held high! Gloves of metal...
...Didn't die by the blade...
...A treachery of Mother Earth...
...Took him away tonight...
I was adjusting the strings on the newly rebuilt Clementine. Just then, the Kabbage boy band-members show up.
"Ha ha! Watch it, dude! Check it!" Raz chortled as he approached. Then he turned around and noticed me. "Oh! Hey, Riggs! Um, Sorry I smashed your guitar in the last concert." He starts to laugh when "What the!?" I suddenly showed them the now repaired Clementine.
"It's like new." Sid declared.
"Woah! How did you do that?" Raz asked then took Clementine from my hand. I then just lit up my cigarette. "Yeah, I'll Try not to smash it up so much this time!" Raz taunts.
"Don't mess with that guy, Raz." Paul warns. "He scares me." They head out to the stage, the fans start to cheer. I knew that Paul isn't really afraid of me, of course, but Paul is the only band member to respect me and the boys….
Which is more than one can say about the lead singer, Erik Faust, who walked up to me, tapping away on his I-Pod. "Hey, Eddie, man, I hate to ask, but our manager wanted to know. When are you going to build us, like, a NEW set?" He asked.
"This Stonehenge stuff you've been building since Tokyo was funny in a kind of ironic, retro sort of way, but..." He paused to check his replies on his I-pod. Then he continued to lecture me.
"Look, Eddie, don't get me wrong. You're the best, okay? The greatest roadie in the biz. Everybody knows you can fix anything, build anything…" 'Cept your music. He checks his tweets again.
"So maybe you can go back to building us something that would speak more to our 'tween' demographic." He does quotation gestures on the word tween. I just grimace.
"Is all I'm saying. Sooner or later you're going to have to join the modern world, you know?" He snapped his I-Pod shut, gave his hair a quick sweep and ran, girlishly, onto the stage.
I could hear the thunderous cheers as I stood up.
On the stage, Erik took the microphone. "Alright! Do you people want to hear some Heavy Metal?" Erik shouted into the microphone. The crowd of tweenagers cheer in response. "HIT IT!"
They kick off the concert with Raz strumming on Clementine. Sid banging on the drums. Paul following up on the bass guitar. For a moment, I was actually enjoying this. For a moment Kabbage boy actually sounds like a Heavy Metal band. But then...
"Ooooooooooo..." Erik sings into the microphone in a high, girly voice, and Reggie starts working the record players, ruining the moment.
"Girlfriend, you really wanna make my heart bend
You know you'll always be my best friend
And what I'm saying to you, I can't pretend
'Cause I'm turning inside out"
Ugh. I just facepalmed in dismay. Then Ralph walked up besides me. "I can fix anything, expect THAT." I said to him.
"Sigh. Metal is dead." Ralph sighed. I also sighed and takes a drag from my cigarette.
"You're so fine, all mine
Ill treat you,
Like a porcupine (Say what?) "
"Ever feel like you were born in the wrong time, Ralph?" I asked. "Like you should have been born earlier. When the music was real?"
"Like the Seventies?" Ralph asked.
I shook my head. "Earlier, Ralph. Like the early Seventies."
"Sneak out your house
Let me take you for a long drive
Let me climb your tree
Put my finger in your beehive
The stinger gets stung
We're not too young
Got something I wanna show you
On the tip of my tongue "
Just then Ralph looked up. "Uh oh." And noticed Raz way up on top of the stage dancing away on one of the prongs.
I don't believe this! Again!? "I TOLD YOU NOT TO CLIMB ON THAT, YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT!" I angrily yelled at Raz.
Then suddenly the prong suddenly bends, causing Raz to slip off. And now he's hanging on for dear life with on hand on the prong, and one hand still on Clementine. And the hand on the prong was slipping.
"Please let him fall this time." Ralph implored. "And just save the guitar."
"Damn it!" I exclaimed and dashed onto the stage. As I ran out, he remembers the words my dad told me about being a roadie before I enlisted in the Marines.
Son, A good roadie knows his whole job is to make someone else look good, keep someone else safe, help someone else do what they were put here to do.
Raz looks down at the stage he was about to plummet into...
A good roadie stays out of the spotlight.
And dropped Clementine, but I managed to catch her her and places her on the teeth of the statue.
If he's doing his job right, you don't even know he's there.
Raz lost his grip, and plummeted to what could be his certain death...
Once in a while he might step on stage just to fix a problem, to set something right.
But I caught him just in time, and lets him down. I'll chew him out later.
But then before you even realize he was there or what he did...
He's gone.…
But just as I backed into the shadows, hear a heavy creaking noise, followed by a large chunk of the stage coming down…
RIGHT ON TOP OF ME!
"Oooh..." I moaned as I felt the heavy piece of debris slowly crush me. Can't breath! Think my ribs are busted. No doubt about it, I'm a goner! Before everything goes black, I just barely noticed the blood dripping from my band…
And onto the belt buckle. Then I noticed the belt buckle started to glow blue, and started growling?
(Standard point of view)
The blood that was emerging from the statue was forming a large puddle next to where Edward was pinned.
At first it was red, then it glowed orange.
Suddenly beams of light shot fourth from the puddle and from it, emerged a monstrous beast with four arms, its back covered in pipes resembling quills, a mouth full of large sharp teeth and spiraling tusks, its eyes glowed bright red, and it appeared to be made of gleaning chrome-steel.
Behold! The spirit of the fire beast! Destroyer of the ancient worlds! Cremator of the skies!
***ORMAGÖDEN!***
As he emerged, he shrugged off the collapsed portion of the stage as if it weighted nothing, thumped onto the stage and let out a mighty earth-shaking...
*RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRR*
Flames spewing forth from its mouth. Then he looked down at the prone and semiconscious form of Eddie sniff him and then looked up at the four Kabbage boy band members.
Paul scrambled off the stage and into the crowd right before a wall of fire appeared surround the stage. You'd almost think that Ormagöden was sparing him and allowing him to escape.
Erik, Raz and Reggie, however, just stood there and gawk at Ormagöden like idiots.
Ormagöden pointed his finger at the semiconscious Eddie, then he faces the three gawking band members and lets out another...
*RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRR*
So awesome was his roar that Erik, Raz and Reggie couldn't handle it and their heads popped clean off their shoulders.
Next thing you know, Ormagöden turned his attention to the drum podium and Sid, who now had his drumsticks held out in the form of a cross, shaking in terror, and soiling his pants. Ormagöden just punched Sid out of existence.
Then Ormagöden swept the podium clean of the smashed drum-kit(and pulped Sid) with his gigantic hand, and gingerly placed Eddie on it.
Then Ormagöden jumped back to the centre of the stage, landing with a mighty thud. He lets out his most awesomest roar ever, Flames shooting from his mouth as well as from the pipes/quills that festooned his back. Then everything suddenly turned blinding white, then pitch black, lit only by his glowing eyes…
(?)
(Eddie's point of view)
...Prince, of darkness, where is your blade!?...
My vision began to clear. The first thing I noticed that I wasn't in any pain. "Huh!?" I gasped. I can breathe again.
Then I looked around. I noticed that I'm…
Not exactly in Panem anymore. "Woooah." I sat up, took a quick checked myself over and noticed that I appears to be perfectly healed. Then I continued to examine my new surroundings, and noticed…
"HUNH!?" What appeared to be three priests, dressed in blood red robes praying to a large double bladed axe.
"The day has finally come to serve our master." One of the priests said.
I stood up and jumped down from the podium. "Uh hey! heh heh heh. Hey I'm not your master." I said to the three priests, shrugging.
One of the priests stood up, showing off his demonic looking chin and a mouth full of sharp jagged teeth.
"No you are NOT!" He menacingly said, unsheathing a wicked looking undulating sword.
The other two priests also do the same. They slowly approach me, chanting in an unknown language. I'm not liking what those three dudes have in mind for me...
I nervously started to back away the three druids. "But uh yeah, I, uh, I totally know the Master. We're really good friends." I tried to lie. "Known each other from kindergarten."
The three druids ascend up the stairs and surrounded me.
"And, uh, if anything were to happen to me, he'd be super pissed."
One of the druids prepared to attack.
"Stay the fuck away from me with that thing!" I warned. "HEY!" And I had to duck under a swing that would've taken my head off.
"Silence." The druid replied as he swung his sword.
I backed away from him. "In fact, he sent me here." I continued to bargain as I ran down the stairs to the main floor.
"Speak not of the Emperor." Another druid replied as he tried to stab me, only to miss.
I ran down another set of stairs, trying to keep my distance from the three red demonic crazy-ass druids that are clearly determined to turn me into a human sacrifice.
"And yeah, he told me to come out here and tell you guys you were doing a great job, and totally take the rest of the day off!" I continued to run away.
"I just don't want to get you guys in trouble! You know. With the Master!" And I went back up the stairs leading to the top of the altar.
The three druids chased me up the altar and try, several times to turn me into sliced cold-cuts. That's when I saw this axe on the main floor.
"Aw fuck this!" I jumped over the candles, landing back on the main altar floor. "I'ma getting me a weapon!" I immediately grabbed that axe by the handle and wrenched it loose from the stone floor.
Lightning surges throughout the temple as I triumphantly lifts my new weapon high. "YEAH-HEH-HEH!" I shouted as adrenaline coursed through my body like lightning.
...THE SEPARATOR…
...Touch not this awesome axe, or suffer the wrath of the Tainted Coil!…
...Oh wait, you're already suffering their wrath…
...Then go ahead and touch this awesome axe,…
…AND GO FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY!…
(BGM; Children Of The Grave by Black Sabbath)
"How dare you lay your filthy hands on our most sacred of weapons!?" One of the druids lunged at me. "Feel our sacred blades!"
Only to be suddenly chopped in two by a downward swing by yours truly. Blood, guts, and whatever that druid last ate go flying all over the place. Man, what a mess.
"Fill your mind with peace." Another druid charged, sword held high for an overhead swing.
But I blocked the blow with the handle, kicked the druid in the stomach and separated his thorax from his abdomen with a lateral swing of that axe.
Hey, hold on, where's the third?
There he is! He's still back up top of the altar. And it looked like he's trying to pick up something...
That was shocking him every time he touches it, as if it was rejecting him or something.
I ran back up the altar to see what that druid was trying to pick up. That's when I saw what it was he was trying to grab…
"HEY! GET AWAY FROM THAT GUITAR!" I punched the druid away. "I just tuned that thing."
Man, I couldn't believe my eyes. Somehow, Clementine, my custom built Gibson Flying V electric guitar, had appeared on the altar right next to where I woke up just moments before. I picked her up and strummed the strings a few times to check to see if she was in tune.
Not only was she still in tune, I suddenly discovered that she can now summon lightning…
That electrocuted the third druid just as he was about to pick up his sword…
And rendered the screaming druid into a pile of smoking ash.
"Cool." I said, looking at the results.
...CLEMENTINE…
...A humble guitar back home, but here, the power of her rock seems to be amplified by the world itself…
...One wonders if it has anything to do with the wood that Eddie recently repaired her with...
Suddenly I learned I can not only cast lightning at my foes, but set 'em on fire as well. Not to mention that I suddenly knew some new and interesting combat moves.
Just then, a group of those demonic red druids file through the entrance. "Might as well break in those new moves I just learned." I thought as I jumped down to the main floor and readied for battle.
"Come at me, you motherfuckers!" I sneered at the approaching druids.
I charged at the druids and, using the "POWERSLIDE!", knocks them all over the place like a bunch of bowling pins. "Yeah! Take that!" I shouted as the nearest druids erupt into flames. "How d'ya like the flavor!?"
I used Clementine to electrocute two more druids "SHOCKER!"
And set another two on fire "PYRO!"
Then I slashed at another druid a few times before striking him with an explosive kick that sent him flying into a nearby spike, impaling him. "ROCK KICK!" I declared(So that's what that move's called). "Just like in Berlin!" Recalling my little fight with that Rapeman jerk.
I mauled and mangled the remaining druids with axe, magical guitar and various combos that I was constantly coming up with…
"FIRE CHORD! GRABBER! SHOCK BOMB! ROMAN CANDLE!"
And made a really massive bloody organ and body part strewn mess that would make a certain Terca Lumireisan maid proud. If said druids were also rapists(Chances are, they probably were).
Them another group of druids appear. "I just thought up something special for you!" I jumped up into the air and hit the ground while playing a power chord on Clementine. "EARTHSHAKER!"
The shock wave that emanates forth caused the dome that made up the roof of the temple to completely collapse, burying the large group of druids under tons upon tons of rubble As well as Exposing the whole temple to the sky above, and getting some fresh air.
"Wow!" I looked up at the sky, which glowed a dusty orange as lightning streaked overhead. Storms swirled here and there. Volcanoes erupting in the distance. Then I looked over the edge and sees that the temple appears to on a mountain of bones made various, and large creatures that I had never seen before! Not even on my recent tour. "What world is this?"
"Huh?" I saw some sort of weird long legged creature being ridden by what looked like a kneeling red nun come up the pathway and came to a stop at what used to be the entrance.
"Alright, nice try, lady. Or whatever you are." I addressed that 'nun'. "I'm supposed to think you're a nun, but I know that you're some kind of big, ugly demon. So let's have it."
The 'nun' looked over 'her' shoulder, revealing that 'she' has a large zipper for a mouth that makes up 'her' entire face.
"Aha! I knew it. Big ugly demon." I said. The 'nun' stands up and dismounts the beast. She is twice as tall as me. "Kinda sexy in a weird way. Hm."
The 'nun' let out an ear piercing shriek and attacked. She was a much tougher opponent than the druids I took out moments ago.
Speaking of which, More of those dudes showed up and joined in on the fun. But I chopped them into pieces and it wasn't long before the 'nun' was separated herself in several parts.
"Well that's enough outta her." I said while catching my breath.
"Wait. I heard that killing nuns is bad luck. I better get outta here." I tore off the robes from those druid dudes to make an improvised sling for the axe and slung it on my back along with Clementine(she came with her own strap). I looked at that strange beast that brought up that 'nun' earlier.
I climbed up onto the waiting beast and noticed this open book sitting on the, um, altar, saddle, thing? Whatever.
"Weird, I can read this freaky writing. Okay, alright, whelp here goes. Um..." I knelt down and began praying. "Oh man, gotta get this thing moving. Let's see here. Um, evil, um… Oh powerful majestic? Slithering? Um, dear evil, messed up demon powers of darkness."
The beast began to walk down the hill.
"Uh, and unimaginable evil. Please transport me off this awesome corpse pile. I am but a visitor in this strange world. Which some would call hellish. But I have to admit, it's kinds bad-assed. "
The creature continued to walk down the hill towards a Stonehenge like structure.
I continued 'praying'. "Oh lords of gross leather things. And S&M type wear, and whatever that Cumore guy back on Terca Lumireis keeps in his bedroom. You know you guys really have style. That battle nun? Heh heh, she was hot. Uh, sorry about killing her. Uhhh, but you're evil, though, right? So we're cool? I didn't know I could do that with an axe. I have no idea why my guitar is setting people on fire and stuff. And why I can do all those cool combat moves. They never taught me those kinds moves back in the Corps. Semper fi. By your good graces..."
The beast angrily roared and began to violently shake. I think I might have said the wrong words!
"UH OH! I meant evil! Evil Graces!" I yelped as the beast bucked me off and onto the ground. "OW! Son of a..."
I got up and saw that he is surrounded by more of those druid dudes.
I unslung the axe and got ready to slaughter 'em.
The druids began chanting and a spell circle appears under my feet. Not sure what they're casting, let's NOT find out. I swapped the axe for Clementine and broke their concentration with an earthshaker, scattering the druids and crushing several of them under falling engine blocks.
Switching back to the axe, I quickly dismembered the surviving druids.
Then another one of those dudes showed up wielding a pair of daggers with foot long blades and guards shaped like ravens.
"Oh you want some too?" I swung my axe intending to split that druid in two…
Or it would have if the druid hadn't parried the axe with his daggers. The force of the blow pushes back the druid's hood revealing…
woah...
One hot looking human chick with grey eyes and straight raven-black hair that came down to her shoulder-blades.
To say that I was surprised was a bit of an understatement. "Oh man! Don't tell me I've been slaying hot girls this whole time."
She shakes her head as if to say no. "The axe." She says. "So you have come for it as well."
I stepped back. "No, but these guys jumped me and, hang on..." I noticed an approaching druid and chops his head off. "And it was just sitting there, so..."
"You handle it very naturally." She commented.
"Yeah, that's kinda strange isn't it?" I replied. "I've never touched an axe before. I've handled knives, pistols, assault rifles, rocket launchers, a scimitar, a camel, couple goats and even farming equipment. But never an axe." I examined the axe. "Cool design though..."
"Who are you?" She asked as a druid snuck up from behind.
"Uh, right shoulder." I warned.
She casually stabbed the druid in the chest. "We got to get out of here, before he arrives." She suggested.
"Yeah." I agreed. "What before who arrives?" I asked as we begin to make our way towards the main gate.
"Emperor Doviculus." She answered.
"Who?"
"Emperor Doviculus!" She answered again. "Where are you from?"
"It's kinda hard to say. Um, I kind of live on the road." I replied
"Ba assured You don't want to be here when he arrives." She said.
Just then, a group of druids led by a battle nun showed up.
We quickly took down the attacking druids, me with his axe and combos, that cool looking chick with her foot long daggers and martial arts.
"When he arrives? What's the big deal?" I asked as we continued on towards the main gate.
"We're slaughtering his personal guard for one thing." She answered as another groups of druids attack. We wiped them out before continuing on.
"Oh, aha..." I acknowledged, looking back at the mess we made. "Alright, they're dead." I turned my attention to her. "So what did you say your name was?" I asked.
"No time. Come on! We have to run!" She replied.
We soon find ourselves facing another group of druids and a battle nun…
Which we slaughter.
"You're not related to Julia are you?" I asked.
"Who?" She asked.
"It's just the way you fight." I replied. "Using those daggers and martial arts. You kinda remind me of her. And I still haven't gotten your name yet."
"I'll tell you later!" She replied. "Follow me!" She reached the gate. "This way! We have to get to the door before the… Too late! Take a look outside."
I looked through the viewing hole in the door. I saw an army of those druids dudes, nuns and other assorted evil looking butt-ugly creatures.
"Yeah, that's a lotta dudes." I commented on the advancing army.
One of the druids reaches through the hole trying to grab me, only to be stabbed in the hand by that chick, pinning his clawed hand to the door with her dagger.
"looked like we're not going that way." I said. "Just what is this place?" I noticed this altar that we passed by moments earlier.
"The temple of Ormagöden." She answered. "It's a place of ancient power, but no one knows its true purpose."
We approached the altar. "My people used to live here before the demons drove us out long before I was born. That axe, the Separator, belonged to the last human king that ruled here, passed down through the centuries, then taken from us, along with this land, by the white winged death, Succoria."
"Succoria?"
"The demons previous emperor." She answered. "She mysteriously disappeared a long time ago. About several years before I was born. Doviculus now rules in her stead. These days, they call this place the Coiled Remains, seat of power of the Tainted Coil. Descendants of the demons that invaded our world long ago."
I looked down at the altar floor. "Hmmm., that's interesting. looks like a disassembled hot rod."I commented on the drawing on the altar floor.
As I approached the altar I noticed these weird looking roses, their petals resembling the 'devil horn' gesture. I examined the altar, and noticed more of the same strange writing that I could now read. I read the writing carved into the stone altar…
...RELIC RAISER…
...A rare vine grows wherever the land is steeped in legend. Play this solo etched upon this altar to unearth ancient structures and monuments…
… As well as this self powered chariot that lays beneath the ground awaiting one who is worthy…
"Relic Raiser, huh." I examined the musical notes carved on the altar. "Okay, let's give this a go." I broke out Clementine and played the solo.
Suddenly an unassembled hot rod, resembling the hot rod I was building back home, only 20% cooler and awesomer, emerged from the ground. Along with a toolkit and a container of fuel, a container of motor oil and a container of coolant.
"What have you done?" She asked, pointing at all the car parts that just emerged from the ground.
"Created beauty by simply rocking, that's all." I answered as I examined the hot rod parts.
"Is that going to help us get out of here alive?" She asked.
"Actually yeah, I think so." I replied as I began to assemble the car…
First I took the whitewall tires and, using the toolkit attached them to the suspension and frame.
Then I takes the suspension and frame and laid it on the ground.
Next I lowered the supercharged v-8 engine and transmission onto the frame and bolted them in place.
Then I attached the driveshaft.
Next I lowered the body on to the frame and bolted it down. Then I attached the seats, doors, windscreen and mirrors.
I finished up by attaching the radiator, connecting the engine, the battery, poured oil in the engine, poured coolant in the radiator, and fueled her up.
And finally screwed on the 8-ball gear shift knob.
The chick examined the vehicle that I just built. "Is it a mine cart?" She asked.
I raised an eyebrow as I put the toolkit in the rumble seat compartment.
"You're the second person to have said that." I said, recalling when I showed a twelve year old female Hunting Blade a picture of a similar looking hot rod I was building back home.
"Anyway, I call it the Druid plow." I replied.
"Let me show you how it works(If it's like my car back home)." I hopped into the drivers seat. What you do, you slam it into gear and..."
The chick striped off her robe, revealing that underneath, she is wearing a black choker collar, a black t-shirt with a raven and ankh symbol, a pair of jeans held in place with a studded belt, and a pair of sneakers. All on a very attractive athletic body.
"Goo hoo hoo. Hello! looked like it's working already." I ogled at the her. Man, she's smokin'.
Just then that demon army began to bash down the door.
I immediately turned the key in the ignition, and the Druid Plow roars to life like an angry grizzly straining at the leash.
"WHAH! You've awakened the spirit of the beast himself!" The surprised lady recoiled, Her daggers out and ready to fight.
"I hope so!" I pumped on the accelerator. "Come on! Get in!" I gestures to her to get her butt in the car.
After a couple seconds of nervous hesitation, she hopped in to the passenger's seat. I shifted the gears into first and I was feeling pretty confident in my handiwork…
"Let's rock!"
...*VAROOM VAROOOM*...
My passenger just looked very nervous "What in the name of Ormagöden have I gotten myself into this time!? *GULP*" Yeah, She's nervous alright.
...THE DEUCE…
...(AKA DRUID PLOW)…
...A temple on wheels, this gift from the Titans can only be assembled by the worthy…
...And it resembles a 1932 ford model b roadster with a supercharged big-block, matte black body with an orange flame job paint scheme…
(BGM; Back At The Funny Farm by Motörhead)
I floored the accelerator, popped the clutch, and the Deuce launched forward, its sudden acceleration pushing both me and the young lady into our seats.
In seconds we smashed through the gates…
And several waves of druids and nuns, turning them all into roadkill.
"Oh yeah! This is so much better!" I shouted above the roaring engine as I continues to mow down wave upon wave of those freaky demonic druid dudes.
"We need to reach the bridge before they shut the feeding area gates!" She shouted.
"Feeding area?" I asked. "What are they feedin'?"
"If we get there fast enough, you might not need to find out!" She replied. Something told me that's a good idea.
Suddenly a large freaky-ass butt-ugly monster with long legs and a cage for a body showed up and tried to jump on top of us...
Only to miss my inches as the deuce raced under it and over a ramp. The demon lets out an ear-piercing wail.
"Um, what's up with crazy legs?" I thumbed back over my shoulder at the long legged demon that tried to stomp on us seconds ago.
"Oh great! They're calling in reinforcements!" She replied. "But why such a large force?" She asked as I mowed down a battle nun and several more of those druid dudes.
"Wha!? Maybe because we're bad-asses!" I answered as we continued to race down the dark twisting road. "Or maybe emperor What's-His-Name has something against you!"
I drove under another long legged demon as it tried to stomp on us. "I haven't mention it, but THIS PLACE IS NUTS!" That's a bit of an understatement.
"YEEEE-HAAH!" I shouted as he launched the Deuce off another ramp and though the body on a third long legged demon, completely disintegrating its body in a shower of black blood and guts. What was left of the creature wobbles for a second before collapsing in a tangle of its own legs. Oh great, I just built this car and now I need to find a car wash.
"Yes these are dark times for our land!" She shouted back as the Deuce landed on its wheels and continued onwards. "But a few of us are fighting to change the way things are! Is that why you've came? To join us in our fight for the liberation of humanity?"
"You know, I don't really know!" I answered back as I swerved to avoid getting stomped by another of those freaky long legged demons, and smashed through a large brazier, lighting the monster on fire. Burn baby burn!
"Haven't really thought about that yet! But, so far that's the best explanation I've heard!" I plowed through another group of druid dudes. And swerved around several more of those crazy long legged demons.
We raced over another ramp and into a wide circular arena with a large hole in the centre and piles of human bones strewn all about. The gateway leading out closed shut, trapping us in the arena. Don't like the looks of this...
Four of those druid dudes approach, swords drawn and chanting in their usual creepy tone.
"Aw come on!" I moaned. "I'm fuckin' sick of you guys! Alright, while I'm slaying these dudes, you get that gate open. Okay?" I turned my attention to my passenger only to see that she was…
Already way ahead of me as she was climbing up towards the gate mechanism.
Heh heh heh. I couldn't help but admire her. "God, she's awesome."
Them I jumped out, Separator (think that's what she called that axe) in hand, and, after a bit of hacking and chopping, turned the four druids into twenty druid parts.
When I was done, I lit up a cigarette and took me a smoke-break. However that break became short lived when I heard something behind me. Something huge. I turned to see this large mouth with sharp jagged teeth and tight fitting latex S&M wear. Which happens to be attached to a colossal lamprey-like body with bony horn-like spiked growing from its body.
"Oh, um, sorry. Did you know those dudes?" I asked the enormous monster lamprey.
The lamprey replied with a loud, and really stinky roar, its three long green slimy tongues writhing in it's foul maw. It raised it's head and tries to slam me flat with it. But I managed to evade the attack and got in the Deuce and slammed down the accelerator.
The monster lamprey followed me around the arena, it's roaring maw maw just above me, showering both me and car in it's rancid breath and slimy drool. YEEECH!
"Oh GOD!" I nearly gagged from the stench. I saw that monster rear it's head up to slam. "UH OH!"
The lamprey slammed it's head, just missing me, but the shockwave causes the Deuce to somersault a few times before landing back on its wheels.
"TOO CLOSE!" I yelled as I struggled to get the Deuce back under control.
The lamprey roared at me again as I put the Deuce back into motion. "AW GROSS!" The monster lamprey reared it's head again. "Oh, here we goes again!" This time I pressed a button on the steering wheel and ignited the nitro boost. The Deuce violently lurches foreword, ten foot jets of blue flame shooting from its eight exhaust pipes. Clearing the shockwave radius as the lamprey slammed it's head into the arena.
Looking in the rear view mirror, I saw that the lamprey managed to get it's three tongues stuck in the arena.
"This gave me an idea!" I pulled on the emergency brake and bootleg turned the Deuce until it was aiming right at one of the tongues. I gunned the accelerator and drives right into the tongue, ripping it right out of the lamprey's mouth.
"YOU LIKE THAT MISS LICKY!?" I shouted as I pulled away. "KEEP THAT UGLY MUSCLE IN YOUR MOUTH NEXT TIME!"
The lamprey angrily roared and prepared to smash down on me.
"Oh NOT AGAIN!" I hit the nitro, causing the lamprey to miss completely…
And gets it's remaining two tongues stuck in the arena.
I immediately bootleg turned and plows into another tongue, ripping it clean off. "HA HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT TWICE!" I shouted. I swear that critter's dumber than Darksydephil…
If that's even possible.
The lamprey angrily roared at me again.
"AH JEEZ! IT SMELLS LIKE A WHALE ATE SOME CABBAGE AND DIED IN YOUR MOUTH...ABOUT A YEAR AGO!" I gagged. Yeah, that's what it smelled like…
Like a wale ate some cabbage and died in its mouth…
About a year ago. PEEEYEEEW!
The lamprey reared up for another slam attack.
"HEADS UP!" I hit the nitro and sped out of the monster's strike zone. Not surprisingly, that dumbass lamprey has gotten it's tongue stuck in the arena floor.
I bootlegged and tore off the last tongue. "BINGO! I MEAN, JACKPOT!" I shouted.
The lamprey writhed around in agony as I parked the Deuce, and got out to admire my vehicular handiwork. "Heh heh, you'll never french-kiss again!" I gloated.
Just then that chick approached me. "What's French-kissing?" She asked.
I turned to face her. "Uhh, it's, uhh..." And tried to explain French-kissing.
"The, um, gate's open." She thumbed with her dagger over her shoulder back at the now open gate.
"What? Oh. The gate." I replied.
The lamprey hovered overhead and roared at us. But it's roar now sounds a bit different, and not quite as loud. Breath was still bad, though.
"AAH!" I gagged from the stench. "What's that? I couldn't hear you. It's like you got a lisp or something. You ever thought about gargling your mouth out with about, oh say, a hundred gallons of Listerine™?"
"Over here you foul and rotten worm!" The young lady, standing inside of the gateway, challenged. COME AND FIGHT! SO THAT I MAY..."
The lamprey charges at her, slamming her into the gateway wall…
"UNGH! WHET! MY! BLADES! ON! YOUR! PUTRID! ENTRAILS!" She starts hacking and stabbing away at the lamprey's head like a rabid wolverine on crack.
"HEY! KNOCK THAT OFF!" I shouted at that lamprey as it tries to bite her in half. "Man, vermiphobic that chick isn't, that for sure." I thought as I rushed into the gateway.
"Come on, you!" She continued to stab and slash at the beast.
I noticed the two large engines on either side of the gateway. I guessed that they're being used as counterweights to hold the gate open.
So I performed the earthshaker which snapped the counterweights loose.
The gate came crashing down, its anchoring spikes skewering the lamprey's neck and pinning it to the floor in a geyser of her own blood…
Which smelled worse than her breath.
"DECAPITATION!" I happily performed a powerslide, strumming the Separator like it was a guitar. "There. It is dead." I stood back up, examine my latest kill. Then I turned my attention to the young lady. "And you, I will now teach you of..."
"growl"
"Hang on." I struck the still living lamprey monster. Then I resumed my conversation. "I shall now teach you of French-kissing."
The young lady smiled back. A look of interest on her face.
Suddenly the lamprey monster revived. Again! I don't believe this! And wrenched the gate off its rails and off its neck.
"Aw come on!" I exclaimed. "What do ya need to kill this fucker!? A nuke!?" It might just come to that! Or the space cruiser Yamato's wave motion gun at least.
The lamprey monster thrashed around, smashing into the gateway several times. The gateway began to collapse.
"Oh SHIT! GET IN THE DEUCE! NOW!" Both me and the chick jumped in the deuce. We just barely manage to get through the gateway just as it completely collapses. Ramping through just as it closed behind us.
In moments we were driving on the highway bridge. "Hang on, my lady!" I said as I increased the speed.
She looked behind and sees that…
"THE BRIDGE IS COLLAPSING RIGHT BEHIND US!" She shouted.
"Don't worry, we're way ahead of the..." I looked at the rear view mirror. "AH SHIT! THE BRIDGE IS REALLY COLLAPSING!" I immediately floored the accelerator.
Not only was the bridge collapsing behind us, it was also collapsing in front of us, causing all manner of ramps and holes in our path.
"Just a little speed bump!" I drove over a ramp. "Smooth sailing from here on out!"
"Watch out for that hole on the left!" She warned as a hole appeared, taking up half of the bridge's width.
I managed to swerve around said hole. "I wasn't going to drive in there! What do you think, I'm stupid? Or Darksyde Phil?"
"Darksyde who?"
We jumped across two crevasses that open up in front of us. "Ah HA HA HA! Did you see that!?" I exclaimed. We saw one of those freaky long legged demons fall into a hole. "Man those things are dumb!" Which we drove on past.
Another hole opens on the left. "Take the right side!" She yelped.
"I was going to do that!" I replied swerving around the hole. "So bossy!" And ramped over a crevasse. As we jumped over another crevasse.
"Hey check out the cool eclipse!" I pointed up at the sky at the awesome blood moon as electricity arcs around its silhouette. Man that's cool.
"EYES ON THE ROAD!" She yelled back, panic in her voice.
"UH OH!" I suddenly noticed a large hole open up in the middle of the road.
"THESIDES! THESIDES! THESIDES!" She yelled really fast.
I just barely managed to swerve the deuce onto one of the narrowing sides. We almost fell in.
We jumped over another hole as we zoomed past several more long legged demons as they fell through the holes and crevasses that were appearing under their feet.
"RIGHT SIDE!" She called out. "LEFT! LEFT! STAY IN THE CENTRE! RIGHT! LEFT! DO A BARREL ROLL!"
Huh?
"250, turn right 3, around crevasse! 150, turn left 5, around falling hate cage! 600, keep right, large jump!" Are we in the WRC now?
Anyway, I was swerving the deuce like crazy, jumping over crevasses, and even did a barrel roll.
Soon the end of the bridge was in sight.
"Okay this is the last jump!" I yelled as a ramp appeared ahead of us. As we sailed through the air…
"No wait one more! Now put your hands up for this one, okay?" We nitro'd off another ramp.
"WOO HOO!" She joyfully yelled, arms in the air as the deuce flies through the air and came to a landing on solid ground. "Wow!" We looked back at there the bridge once was. All that remained were a few crumbling columns and soon they were swallowed up by the sea.
"You like the car." I said.
"Yeah." She replied. "I can't wait to show it to Lars!"
"Lars?"
"He's the leader of our rebellion." She explained. "I guess I should introduce you to him too. Oh yeah, my name's Ophelia." She finally gave me her name.
"Eddie, Riggs." I introduced myself.
(Meanwhile, back in the Coiled Remains)
(standard Point of view)
Two demons examine the carnage around the altar where the Deuce emerged. "Doviculus. They say it was the fire beast Ormagöden himself." The Warfather gave his report.
"No." Doviculus replied. "Far far worse than he." He pulled out Ophelia's dagger form the door, the severed hand falls away. "It was Succoria." He examines the dagger.
Then he sniffed the air. "I can smell her blood on the wind. The season of pain is upon us, Warfather."
"But why has she returned now?" The Warfather asks. "What does she want?"
"War." Was Doviculus's answer. "Finally. Well, as soon as we get the bridge rebuilt."
"I'll see to it at once, my lord." The Warfather bowed.
End Part 1
Author's notes:
This is my Fanfic adoption of the main story of the game Brütal Legend by Tim Sheafer and Double Fine studios.
I plan to name each of the chapters after the main story missions. And it will follow the main story...more or less.:
Anyway next chapter, Eddie visits the headquarters of the human resistance.