July 9th, Present Day...
When Monica woke up she had been dragged from a beautiful dream. It went without saying that of course John was in her dream. Just the two of them during those first few months of dating.
They had been the happiest couple in the world, so in tune with one another, so in love, and so they thought completely prepared for whatever the world was planning on throwing at them.
Monica turned over and looked at the tiny brunette sleeping next to her. She stroked her hair from her face and softly got out of bed to go into the bathroom.
She looked at her reflection and realised how terrible she looked Her tear stained face had remained so since the day John had died. She looked tired and her face was incredibly pale.
She hadn't eaten much in the past week and she wasn't even hungry for it. She threw cold water over her face and allowed the shock of the freezing wetness against her skin to wake her up and tell her that this was how it was going to be from now on. This was her life.
Monica went down the stairs and opened the back door. The sun was already out, and it was so warm that it was as if the sun had been out all night and that's why it was still so hot now. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. She felt in the pocket of her jacket that was on the back of the chair and she pulled out the packet of cigarettes that she had bought two days ago.
She hadn't smoked one yet. But as she sat with them in her hands she wanted nothing more than to rip into them and allow her the indulgence that she had let go so many years ago.
As she stood outside smoking it was like she had never stopped. It eased her pain; it made her feel that maybe there was a way forward. But this was a cigarette, not a fairy godmother.
The only person who could make her life worthwhile now was herself. And her daughter, who she had left lying alone in bed. What was she going to do without John? He had been a parent before, and up until now she had relied on his previous experience as a parent to guide her in being a good mother. Now she had to figure out how to do that alone.
As Monica threw the half smoked cigarette into the bushes she heard the sound of tiny footsteps coming down the stairs so she quickly went inside and felt guilty for smoking when Anna came running over to her for a hug. She could smell the smoke on herself so she knew that Anna would be able to.
She didn't try to explain it to her, she was four years old, she had been told that smoking was bad for you, but she was too young for Monica and John to have gone into any great detail about the perils of smoking.
"I got scared when you weren't there..."
"I'm sorry baby, mommy needed some fresh air."
"Is granma and granpa Doggett coming today?"
Monica nodded her head and smiled slightly. Anna left her mother to go and get dressed, and Monica knew that her little girl would rather spend time with her grandparents that her mother because they knew what to do with the girl. Monica had no idea how to be a single parent. The thought of it terrified her.
As she listened to Anna walking around in her room Monica went outside and lit another cigarette. She hated John for leaving her alone like this. And she hated herself for feeling that way. *********
June 24th, Mulder Residence...
Monica pulled up outside the house and saw William watch her walk to the front door before he finally ran to be the one to open it.
"Hey aunt Monica, they're in the garden."
"Why aren't you in the garden too?"
"It was too hot. And Anna kept grabbing my remote control car."
"Sorry about that."
"It's ok. I'm gonna tell mom and dad to buy her one for her birthday."
William went back into the living room and Monica went outside to find Mulder struggling to keep tabs of the very fast on his wobbly legs two year old and the mischievous four year old he had been left looking after for the day. It was only two in the afternoon and he looked as if he was ready to give up for the day.
Anna came running over to her mom as soon as she saw her standing at the door.
"Mommy!"
"Hey baby, I hope you're not being too much trouble for Mulder?"
"Uncle Fox was trying to get Jack to stop picking out the flowers that aunt Dana's mom planted for them."
Anna was the only person who wouldn't call Mulder 'Mulder' it was always 'Fox'.
"And what were you doing?"
"Helping..."
Anna giggled and ran back to Jack who laughed when he bumped into her and Mulder walked over sighing.
"I gotta tell ya, this was so much easier when there was only one of them to keep tabs on. I can't believe that Jack can run faster than I can."
Monica laughed and the two of them went inside to sit down. Mulder made some coffee and was glad to be able to relax for a while.
"So, you missed out on Maryland?"
"Dana called you."
"Yeah. She thought you were pissed about what happened."
"You were there, you were trying to help me when I bought that case to the bureau. I did the right thing didn't I?"
"You mean shooting Jeb Dukes?"
Monica nodded her head.
"Well if you're already questioning it yourself it doesn't matter what I think."
"It matters to me."
Mulder looked at her and saw that she was desperate just to hear someone tell her that they would have done the same thing in her position.
"Monica, the guy had killed three people, he was holding his niece hostage and pointed a gun at Agent Doggett, he was resisting any kind of rational talk, you had no choice, your main concern was the safety of that little girl. You did the right thing."
Monica smiled slightly and was surprised at how badly this was getting to her. She wasn't usually this easily thrown and upset about something. But she had taken that case personal. She had upset John for it, she had saved a little girls life, and she had been concussed by a fire extinguisher, not your average day at work.
What scared her most was that she knew she was a strong person and that if she was having doubts it was with good reason, and it was that she was concerned she hadn't done the right thing.
"Look, the bureau have dealt with bigger piles of crap than this before, hell they had to put up with me for ten years, it'll blow over."
"I just hate that I feel so bad about this. I feel as if I'm being punished."
Mulder nodded his head; he knew exactly what it was like to be exiled from your work because you were under investigation.
"It'll be fine Monica, just watch your back. If the bureau is looking into this, it might turn up things about your private life. The fact that you're married to John Doggett and have a daughter together would not go down well."
"John and I have been together for years, and Anna is four years old, they'd have noticed by now if they were going to notice at all."
"Lets hope you're right." *********
When Monica woke up she had been dragged from a beautiful dream. It went without saying that of course John was in her dream. Just the two of them during those first few months of dating.
They had been the happiest couple in the world, so in tune with one another, so in love, and so they thought completely prepared for whatever the world was planning on throwing at them.
Monica turned over and looked at the tiny brunette sleeping next to her. She stroked her hair from her face and softly got out of bed to go into the bathroom.
She looked at her reflection and realised how terrible she looked Her tear stained face had remained so since the day John had died. She looked tired and her face was incredibly pale.
She hadn't eaten much in the past week and she wasn't even hungry for it. She threw cold water over her face and allowed the shock of the freezing wetness against her skin to wake her up and tell her that this was how it was going to be from now on. This was her life.
Monica went down the stairs and opened the back door. The sun was already out, and it was so warm that it was as if the sun had been out all night and that's why it was still so hot now. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. She felt in the pocket of her jacket that was on the back of the chair and she pulled out the packet of cigarettes that she had bought two days ago.
She hadn't smoked one yet. But as she sat with them in her hands she wanted nothing more than to rip into them and allow her the indulgence that she had let go so many years ago.
As she stood outside smoking it was like she had never stopped. It eased her pain; it made her feel that maybe there was a way forward. But this was a cigarette, not a fairy godmother.
The only person who could make her life worthwhile now was herself. And her daughter, who she had left lying alone in bed. What was she going to do without John? He had been a parent before, and up until now she had relied on his previous experience as a parent to guide her in being a good mother. Now she had to figure out how to do that alone.
As Monica threw the half smoked cigarette into the bushes she heard the sound of tiny footsteps coming down the stairs so she quickly went inside and felt guilty for smoking when Anna came running over to her for a hug. She could smell the smoke on herself so she knew that Anna would be able to.
She didn't try to explain it to her, she was four years old, she had been told that smoking was bad for you, but she was too young for Monica and John to have gone into any great detail about the perils of smoking.
"I got scared when you weren't there..."
"I'm sorry baby, mommy needed some fresh air."
"Is granma and granpa Doggett coming today?"
Monica nodded her head and smiled slightly. Anna left her mother to go and get dressed, and Monica knew that her little girl would rather spend time with her grandparents that her mother because they knew what to do with the girl. Monica had no idea how to be a single parent. The thought of it terrified her.
As she listened to Anna walking around in her room Monica went outside and lit another cigarette. She hated John for leaving her alone like this. And she hated herself for feeling that way. *********
June 24th, Mulder Residence...
Monica pulled up outside the house and saw William watch her walk to the front door before he finally ran to be the one to open it.
"Hey aunt Monica, they're in the garden."
"Why aren't you in the garden too?"
"It was too hot. And Anna kept grabbing my remote control car."
"Sorry about that."
"It's ok. I'm gonna tell mom and dad to buy her one for her birthday."
William went back into the living room and Monica went outside to find Mulder struggling to keep tabs of the very fast on his wobbly legs two year old and the mischievous four year old he had been left looking after for the day. It was only two in the afternoon and he looked as if he was ready to give up for the day.
Anna came running over to her mom as soon as she saw her standing at the door.
"Mommy!"
"Hey baby, I hope you're not being too much trouble for Mulder?"
"Uncle Fox was trying to get Jack to stop picking out the flowers that aunt Dana's mom planted for them."
Anna was the only person who wouldn't call Mulder 'Mulder' it was always 'Fox'.
"And what were you doing?"
"Helping..."
Anna giggled and ran back to Jack who laughed when he bumped into her and Mulder walked over sighing.
"I gotta tell ya, this was so much easier when there was only one of them to keep tabs on. I can't believe that Jack can run faster than I can."
Monica laughed and the two of them went inside to sit down. Mulder made some coffee and was glad to be able to relax for a while.
"So, you missed out on Maryland?"
"Dana called you."
"Yeah. She thought you were pissed about what happened."
"You were there, you were trying to help me when I bought that case to the bureau. I did the right thing didn't I?"
"You mean shooting Jeb Dukes?"
Monica nodded her head.
"Well if you're already questioning it yourself it doesn't matter what I think."
"It matters to me."
Mulder looked at her and saw that she was desperate just to hear someone tell her that they would have done the same thing in her position.
"Monica, the guy had killed three people, he was holding his niece hostage and pointed a gun at Agent Doggett, he was resisting any kind of rational talk, you had no choice, your main concern was the safety of that little girl. You did the right thing."
Monica smiled slightly and was surprised at how badly this was getting to her. She wasn't usually this easily thrown and upset about something. But she had taken that case personal. She had upset John for it, she had saved a little girls life, and she had been concussed by a fire extinguisher, not your average day at work.
What scared her most was that she knew she was a strong person and that if she was having doubts it was with good reason, and it was that she was concerned she hadn't done the right thing.
"Look, the bureau have dealt with bigger piles of crap than this before, hell they had to put up with me for ten years, it'll blow over."
"I just hate that I feel so bad about this. I feel as if I'm being punished."
Mulder nodded his head; he knew exactly what it was like to be exiled from your work because you were under investigation.
"It'll be fine Monica, just watch your back. If the bureau is looking into this, it might turn up things about your private life. The fact that you're married to John Doggett and have a daughter together would not go down well."
"John and I have been together for years, and Anna is four years old, they'd have noticed by now if they were going to notice at all."
"Lets hope you're right." *********