It's the Little Things That Bind Us
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Travis/Lily
Disclaimer: Characters found herein are not mine. Although Rogue claims that I own them, I checked my mailbox for money and my closet for a pink tie and found neither. So, I'm-a-guessin she was teasin me.
A/N: By the by, this was no beta for this, as I had wanted it to be a surprise even for Angie. ;) All errors are mine but it's the imperfections that make us interesting.
Not one more moment. Not even a millisecond, she had to get out of there. As she crossed the threshold leading out of Mickey's it was as if a vise had released her and freed to her breathe. The wind was sharp and cold and blew so fiercely as if to give her a shove, so she took a deep long cleansing breath and stepped off to where ever she was headed. If only she knew where that was.
It had been a long and torturous evening. The "gang" had decided to meet at Mickey's to exchange presents. Normally, this would have been fun, but now the "gang" included Grace. Not that there was anything wrong with Grace. The problem was how Ray felt about Grace and how Lily felt about Ray. This made Lily feel things she shouldn't for someone she hardly knew, jealousy, fear, and petty condescension that Grace didn't really "know" Ray at all and yet was claiming the prize.
As the minutes had passed, she watched how Grace melted under the curve of Ray's arm and snuggled happily. She pretended to look away as Ray would stare at Grace, his vision sweeping from her eyes to her lips and back again with a smile. She seethed as occasionally he would lean over to kiss her softly on the lips, or the cheek, or the rim of her ear. It was all Lily could do not to roll her eyes at that last.
Not to mention, Travis hadn't showed at all. She supposed he still wasn't feeling festive after Bridget broke up and left for Hong Kong. And with Robbie dashing off to "casually" speak with Kim across the room, Lily might as well have been invisible, painfully so. She made up some lame excuse about still having family gifts to wrap and bolted after receiving a half attentive, "That's a shame," from Ray. She literally winced as she heard Grace call after her, "Merry Christmas, Lily!"
Lily had imagined Christmas being so much different than this reality. Her dream had included Ray over for dinner or vice versa, fabulously romantic gifts, and singing off-key carols as she played guitar at the holiday family celebration. The combination of the lack of fruition for her dream and the less than stellar behavior this produced from her left her feeling small, pitiful, and incredibly drained. She longed for a quiet moment of peace, immune to holiday chaos and visions of the perfect couple.
Her footfalls were grating. Her feet dragging along the course pavement, scattering sand-like pebbles, the combination of dust, litter, and the eventual breakdown of the concrete sidewalk, something that should forever be solid…but isn't. Lily looked up and sighed watching as her breath formed an ethereal mist and reached toward the slightly waning moon above, imperfect but beautifully so.
She could have headed to Parker's house; Parker always listened to her woes with understanding. Inevitably though, she would then give quirky albeit unbiased advice, which usually sucked to hear. Unbiased advice usually went against screaming newfound love for your best friend in front of his new girlfriend and a club full of strangers. Where the hell was her stage fright when she had needed it?
Instead, her feet led her straight to the warehouse. While this place held many memories of Ray, they were not unwanted. They were comforting, like the throw blanket she'd had for forever and could find in the dark by the blend of scents unique to her, her perfume, shampoo and the fabric softener her mother had used for years. Yes, the memories were safe; it was the one place she knew of that for the most part left her feeling happy and confident.
She reached the entrance and shoved the door aside with a tad more force than necessary. If felt good to have at least some control, some power, even if only over a silly inanimate object such as a door.
A soft voice startled her. "Hey, Lily."
Her heart skipped just a little; she told herself it was because she was startled. Slightly irritated, she asked, "Travis? Why aren't you there?"
He immediately understood her somewhat incomprehensible question but flipped it back to her, an annoying trait of his. "Why are you here?"
Lily didn't put up a fight; she didn't have the strength. She plopped down onto the cheap vinyl couch with a squeaky, scrunchy sound. "I'm here because it's the one place she can't be."
Travis came around and sat on the arm of the sofa that she was leaning on. He looked down at her for a moment before he said, "You should be happy for him, Lily. He is happy, isn't that a good thing?"
Lily let out an annoyed snort. "If I'd wanted to hear what I already know, I could have gone to Parker's house."
Travis quirked his eyebrow at her. Lily continued, "At least she would have delivered the punch line in a more entertaining story of some sort and offered me chocolate."
Travis' eyebrow rose further but also pulled a slight grin from him. "I have gum."
Lily couldn't resist smiling softly then. "So why are you holed up in here, Bah-Hum-Buggin?"
"Actually, I wasn't. I was just headed that way. A little late I realized I had to do a little cover-up because of Grace."
Lily's eyebrows shot up; he had issues with Grace too?
He noticed Lily's surprised look and reached over to the table and picked up a case from a small stack of CD's. "I mixed some music with voice-overs from classic RFR moments. So I printed off some CD covers to make it look like it's just music. I'll have to warn the guys. Ray's and Robbie's have most of the jokes but I was hoping yours would be…..relaxing."
"How on earth could RFR be relaxing?"
"Well, it's some of your favorite songs and I blended in some of my more famous quotations." He smiled as Lily grinned ever so slightly. "And some of Robbie's introductory samples make very good intros for songs. It's a cheesy gift, I know."
Lily was sincere when she looked up at him, "Thanks, Travis."
Still holding the CD, Travis reached over and grabbed the rest of the stack and walked to the booth for his carrier bag. He shoved the discs in and approached her with his hand held out. "Come on, Lily, let's get out of here, the walls are closing in."
"Good. That's how I feel anyway…crushed." She stubbornly swung around to put her feet up on the opposite arm of the tiny sofa.
Travis just as quickly shoved them off. "Snip, snap, snark, Lillith. You'll get no pity from me; or are you so self-absorbed that you don't recall that I am a dumpee."
Lily's glance held a small dash of guilt then, "Sorry. You seem rather well-adjusted now. I mean, well, you know."
Travis' look turned pensive. "Well, it's always a learning experience with Bridget, revelatory so to speak. Sometimes, even while they enlighten us, revelations can hurt at first."
Lily decided not to touch that one. "So, where are we going then?"
"Somewhere that you'll feel more…centered." When she frowned skeptically, he tugged at her sleeve. "You'll see."
The walk was brisk and business-like, fast-paced, heads tucked in, with no conversation. Lily simply followed his lead. She had noticed they had entered the park but didn't think they'd stop there. She was surprised when Travis halted their hike.
"Voila."
"It's a merry-go-round." She said, not impressed.
Travis grinned somewhat maniacally, "To most people, yes. To me, it's a marvelous meditation device, forces me to focus inward…"
Lily interrupted his spiel, "Yeah, that or puke."
He smirked at her sarcasm and handed out some of his own. "Give it a whirl."
She rolled her eyes but decided to comply. "It's your shoes, Travis."
He took her hands and helped her into its center, the metal squeaking and groaning in protest at being awakened at such an odd time of night. Once he was sure she was sitting and settled, he stepped off. "Now, close your eyes, empty all your thoughts and emotions and let the movement center you." With that, he gave the nearest handle a mighty pull, sending Lily spinning…spinning…spinning… "Feeling centered?"
"Ummm, not exactly. I hope those aren't expensive shoes." She cocked one eye open, instantly regretting it as the blurred landscape caused her to sway. Travis sped up the rotation and she squealed, "Travis!"
He slung his carrier bag toward his back and jumped on quickly; plopping right in front of her, "Make room." She quickly adjusted so that they were both sitting cross-legged in the center, knees touching. He continued, "Perhaps, you just need a visual focal point. Look at me, look into my eyes."
Lily snorted at the absurdity. "OK, Svengali."
This time Travis didn't humor her sarcasm; he remained silent. She watched him as they spun, the landscape shifting and spinning…spinning…yet Travis remained…constant. His expression gentle but as if he were waiting.
The movement calmed her now, as if it were spinning her emotions and causing the most important to separate from the fluff. The confusion and despair of it all caused her to blurt, "What exactly am I doing?"
"Trying to be centered." Travis' voice remained calm.
"No. I mean why have I felt so driven to pursue Ray at all?"
Travis did not blink as he spoke softly and there was no judgement in his voice when he replied, "I guess it comes down to what you want, Lily."
Lily was fed up with the rollercoaster of emotions. "I just wish all of us could be still long enough so I could realize whether it's really love."
Travis chuckled softly, deep and low, like thunder so distant you wondered if you truly heard it. "My grandmother says you know it's true when you can look into their eyes and see a sort of visual timeline."
The movement of the merry-go-round was slowing. With a sigh, Lily gazed upward and imagined that the stars were tiny planets, twinkling as they fell into an orbit around her. She brought her gaze back down to discover Travis looking skyward too. "I don't get it, Travis. You mean like marriage and growing old together?"
He returned his focus to her, his eyes intense, with the hint of a smile tugging at the corners. "Well, not so much weddings and childbirth; everyone dreams those things about every person they've admired.
Still the merry-go-round spun, ever so slowly. There was probably some law of motion that she should remember from the Ed and Ted Tao of Physics, but she did not feel inclined to recall it. "Aren't thoughts such as those indicative of a timeline? It is imagining the future after all."
"No, it's the little things that bind us, Lily."
"Such as?" The merry-go-round was ceasing its movement, metal popping as it ground to a halt. Lily felt heavy, as if she couldn't move if she'd tried.
She felt Travis' shift of movement, their position keeping them connected at the knees. "Oh, I don't know, it's different for everyone. Maybe, perfect synchronization while making breakfast together in the tiny kitchenette of your first apartment, or instinctively knowing which side she likes you to walk on so that she can hold your hand comfortably."
Lily continued for him, "Or smiling in a bookstore when you've found the perfect book for him."
He picked up where she left off. "Or ironing her shirt for work the next day because you know she'll be too tired to do so in the morning." Travis seemed to pop out of the trance, but only slightly.
"So the question is…can you see that, Lily? When you look into his eyes…can you see it?"
Lily was silent as she lost herself in thought. Her own timeline taking shape in distinct but disconnected flashes. Her mouth slackened in shock at her realization; she shivered as she realized she had seen "little things." Just they were not about Ray at all, they were of Travis.
Beautiful gray eyes alight with laughter over a perfectly timed insult slung at Pronto during an RFR broadcast.
Those same eyes stern while challenging her for "one more take" at some studio unknown to her.
Gentle hands guiding her while she tried to maintain some beginner's yoga position.
In a park, much larger than this, watching as he moved through his judo exercises, and she nearby, trying to capture his spirit in her songbook.
Those eyes again, close. Focused and controlled, yet gentle as they hovered over her and she in return focusing on the bead of sweat traveling down his jaw from the exertion. And the spinning, spinning, spinning as he asked her softly, "Let go, Lily."
Lily snapped back to reality with a shiver and there was Travis watching her intently, seeming to know of something which she did not. Her voice shook, "How do you know if they see the same things? The little things?"
He smiled sadly, "I guess you have to wait for evidence of it. One tends to act on visions in some form or another, whether it's conscious or not on their part."
He got up then and reached into his carrier bag and handed her the CD from before, although he seemed more self-conscious and nervous about it now. Lily took it from him, careful not to touch his soft hand for fear of not wanting to let go. As if sensing this, he ducked his head, "I'm going to head home, you'll be OK?"
Lily stared at the CD in her hands, transfixed by the prismatic reflections it now offered in the moonlight. "Y-yeah, I'll be OK."
He nodded and placed his hands in his pockets as he turned to leave. Lily only let him get a few paces before she called out to him. "Have you seen a timeline, Travis?" Her voice even more unsure, "A-and the evidence of affections returned?"
He stood for a moment, looking unsure. His eyes finally locked onto hers, not close this time but focused and controlled and gentle. "Yes, and I'm still waiting."
She let him go then. Stretching out, she kicked out a long leg to set the wheel in motion again and leaned back against one of the bars…spinning…spinning…spinning, watching as the light bounced off the CD once more. So much beauty from such a little thing.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this. It was supposed to be a little Christmas angst left for you during the holidays but my real life keeps insisting that I live it. Sorry that it wasn't for Haiku Drivel, which I am writing still, yesh, yesh I am. But review me anyway, I miss you guys!