The moon and I
Summary: Where was Remus on that fateful Halloween night? One-shot
The wolfsbane potion had only recently been invented, so I had not yet gotten used to it's taste. My taste buds, even as wolf, surged with the rancid taste that I had barely had a chance to wash it down with anything.
It was Halloween night, and I thought it was quite ironic for me to have such a transformation on that night. Through the bush from beneath I sat, in the distance glowed the few jack-o-lanterns whose owners had wisely placed them out after mischief night activities. The streets of the small English town in which I lived were quiet as usual; all the houses were spread quite far apart, so none of my neighbors ever caught sight of me. Luckily it was a wizarding town, so I need not to worry about revealing myself as a wizard, but even in the magical world, who I am once a month is far from being accepted.
But theses things were not the things that were weighing on my mind at the time. I was thinking of my three best friends. Usually, since they, until Lily and James gone into hiding, all lived incredulously close to me, they would sneak away from their wives (or, might I correct myself, for Sirius, any girl who he was dating at the time, and for Peter, his mother) to come and fill my lonesome side with the animals. Although for the past few months I had been taking wolfsbane, and their presence wasn't required, like it had been in Hogwarts, it was nice to relive our glory days (best we could) on the night that the moon ran full.
I had been to tea with James, Sirius, and baby Harry only earlier that day. They had promised they would attend our monthly ceremony. James had joked that it was Lily's monthly turn to transform too, so he would appreciate the distance from her. If I had only known this was the last time I'd ever see James alive, and Sirius happy, perhaps I would've pressed more serious issues, or told him about Harry's future, or…
No. I suppose my last moments with them were soft and the way I'm glad I can remember us together.
I had been so surprised when I learned I was the one they suspected as traitor, so many years later. They never treated me differently.
But, that's for another story, I suppose.
So, there I sat, fretting and worrying, perhaps something was wrong? And a little bit of anger was hidden beneath this surface, if there was nothing wrong, why weren't they here?
Just as I was in this state of mind, I saw my neighbors, who lived across the street, an older couple, the Williams' step out into the night street. It was very late, so I was surprised to see them out, in their sleep things even!
No one really knew too much about them, though they loved the sweet taste of gossip. Some said Mrs. Williams used to be a psychic, predicting attacks by Grindelwald in the first great war. Others said she was insane. Mr. Williams was a mute, though some said he was just shy.
They had let me borrow one of their dragon's claws once, so I regarded them fine, though mysterious.
But the thing about them was that they never ever left their house. They had their groceries delivered, ordered through catalogs. So to see them stepping out onto the pavement, it was very strange.
"Thank Merlin!" Mrs. Williams cocked her head to the stars, her wrinkled neck stretching to regard something in the sky.
I looked up to see nothing.
"The Dark Lord is vanquished! He Who Shall Not be Named is GONE!" She yelled, and her and her husband pranced around the street, hollering and hoping, and waking a few other neighbors.
They had obviously gone bonkers, I decided, and hoped that if James and Sirius did show up, they'd wake me.
I slowly crawled into my house through the little doggy door Peter had helped me build, and onto a towel on the ground (I wouldn't want to get any fur on my bed) hoping tomorrow would bring some explanation.
I woke very late the next day, to a rapping at my door.
I was naked on my living room floor, and the clock showed it to be two thirty. Two! How had I come to sleep so late? Most mornings I woke at six!
I wrapped the towel around myself (glad my shades were closed, though I don't know why they wouldn't be since they always were) ran into the kitchen and ran some water over my head, to make it look as if I'd just showered. That way, I could let them in and go get changed.
I was surprised to see a good friend of mine, Andromeda Tonks standing before me.
I smiled, though she did not look quite as cheerful. Something hung around her eyes, weighed down her shoulders.
"How do you do, Andie?" I said, and let her inside, waiting for a response. She took a seat in the kitchen.
"As well as possible, under the circumstances." She replied darkly, leaning her head in her hand.
I brushed off the tone of her voice, though I felt something bad approaching in the pit of my stomach.
"And Ted? Nymphadora?"
She cracked a bit of grin, "Well, she set her fathers hair afire this morning. Didn't want to clean her room. Fiesty, don't you think?"
I laughed cleanly, nodding, "Truly Sirius' kin, huh?"
Andie looked at me, her eyes widened, and they started to spurt with tears.
"What? What is it?!" I asked sitting behind her.
"I thought he was a black sheep too! I thought…I knew he would…But Jesus! He was in the order! How could he, Remus? How could he? I never sensed a change, he always seemed to be…" Slow sobs erupted from her chest, and I felt awkward as a man, watching a woman cry.
Was she going insane? What was going on? How had I so suddenly made her cry?
"and h-he just gaughed….!"
"Andie, what the hell are you talking about?" I was burning with confusion and fear. Was it the day I'd come to fear in this war? Had one of my brothers been taken?
She looked at me, sniffing. "Remus, didn't someone tell you??"
"I've only just woke! Tell me what?" Tears pricked at the side of my eyes. What was going on??
"Remus. Remus…so you don't know about James and Lily? About Voldemort?About…about Harry? And Peter?"
"And Sirius?" I choked. "They're all dead, aren't they?"
She sighed, her breath shortened by the crying she'd swallowed.
"Oh, god, I don't want to be the one to tell you this."
I gripped the edge of my kitchen table, "Tell me!"
"Sirius was…their secret keeper."
I nodded. I had pretty much known that, if it wasn't Sirius, it was Dumbledore.
Wait…
"But…he sold them out to Voldemort, Remus."
I looked at her, a grin forming across my face. The thought was just completely ridiculous. Sirius was the most loyal person, and James meant more than anything to him. It was silly.
Andie looked pained at the expression on my face, but continued, "Remus, Sirius told Voldemort where they were hiding. He went and killed James and Lily."
I just kept smiling at her, chuckling perhaps.
She buried her head in her hands.
"He tried to kill Harry, and Harry…" For the first time, she smiled, "Little Harry, he bounced the killing curse off of him! Voldemort is gone, Remus!"
At this, I started laughing hysterically, slipping from my chair, and onto the tiled floor, laughter burning my sides.
She got on the floor, and sat next to me, unaware of what to do. She grabbed my face, as it shook with my laughter, and looked straight at me.
"Remus, snap the hell out of it. We need a marauder left." She yelled, her breath tingling my face, cooling the tears I realized were coming from my eyes.
The shaking became sobs quite quickly as she wouldn't let go of my face, wouldn't stop staring at me with the truth.
We stayed in this position for a while, until she let me go, and ran into the living room. I didn't notice what she was doing, I was just trying to breath, to blink, to keep my heart pumping.
"Come on, Remus. Why don't you go put some pants on" Andie said slyly, after I seemed sane again.
I looked down, surprised the towel had kept its place around my waist, and I tried to chuckle or smile, but my face, my body, my brain felt contorted, twisted, as if it belonged to someone else.
I dressed quickly, and when I got downstairs, Dumbledore sat on my coach, his expression unreadable.
But he smiled, and patted the space next to him.
I obeyed his beckon, taking an uncomfortable position on my couch.
"Lemon Drop?" He offered from a small tin can, and I shook my head, although my stomach growled for something to fill it.
"I think I have some things I need to explain to you."
"I know the events of last night and today…I knew they would be the hardest on you. They were the most important people in your life. I understand they can never be replaced, but us at the order, we will always be there for you, Remus." Dumbledore said, and Andie nodded solemnly.
"Just try to remember how they were in life. And, after a while, when it doesn't hurt as much anymore, how bravely they died. And maybe, someday, Black will make sense, or maybe you can accept that what he did, what he is…maybe this all happened for a greater reason, a greater result."
"But it doesn't make any sense, Professor. I knew Sirius. You knew Sirius! Sirius…he was James' brother! Mine! Peters! And Peter…I can't believe what he did either. You knew Peter as well. He was never brave!" I exclaimed, and Dumbledore looked at me, and it showed he had thought these exact things.
"He was a Gryffindor, Remus. He finally lived up to it." Andie said from the corner.
"I know…just why? He knew he could never take Sirius. God, Peter. Sirius…." I groaned into my hands, "It just doesn't make any sense! And Harry? A baby taking on Voldemort? This isn't right. It must be wrong."
Dumbledore shook his head, "No, Remus, though it does dazzle all who knew your friends. How a bond so strong could be severed…"
I felt so much anger and bitterness toward everyone, everything. "I think I need to be alone."
Dumbledore nodded, "Take care of yourself Remus. I know you have the strength to rise above this. And at least…at least the war has ended, right?"
I didn't respond. But my two visitors luckily got the hint and left.
I shrank everything in my house, stuffing every possession into a plastic bag, storming out of the house.
I didn't know where I planned on going, but settled for a moment's thought at a park, miles from my house.
My legs were screaming as I sat on a bench. For hours, I had been walking. Mulling over everything: Lily, James, Peter, dead. Sirius, a traitor. Harry, an epic hero. Voldemort, gone. The war was over…and my life was gone with it, and no one could quite explain when Sirius had gone rotten, when Peter had become brave, when Harry had started possessing such power.
I stared up at the moon, the only relic of my teen years I had left. At Hogwarts, it had always been about just a few things: grades, marauders, and keeping up with my secret, keeping up with the moon.
Everything else was gone. Except the moon. It was up in the sky, laughing at me.
Had it saved me from finding Sirius first, and getting blowninto pieces? Or had it stopped me from saving my friends?
The moon seemed to know, as it stared, shined down on me in contempt. I was so angry, bitter, melancholy. And what did I have? Who did I have to turn to?
The only thing in my life that had never changed, could never die, could never do anything but change me. The predictable moon.
No matter what happens in my life, who is taken from me, how I change, how others change, how confused I get, how lost I become, no matter where I journey, it will be there. It will always be the moon and I.
AN: Please, review. I hope I portrayed the way Remus reacted well, for it was the way I reacted to grief a while back. Comments,questions,critisim…you know what to do.
-May Liza