A/N: Paul POV. One shot. Lolly and I did this as a role-play and she told me to write it through the eyes of Paulie (Pretend this is before Twilight. Lollykins hasn't read it yet). I sincerely hope you guys like it.

Lollykins, this is dedicated to you, kid.

I've laughed, I cried, I've kissed my sanity goodbye.

Should I stay or should I go?

History class just got a whole lot better. Not only do I thoroughly enjoy the material we cover, but also the girl who sits in front of me. Suze Simon.

You see, Mr Walden decided just yesterday that we'd start the unit on the European economy with a brand-new seating arrangement. Reverse alphabetical order by last name.

Suze, however, didn't like this new arrangement as well as I did. I'm not at all surprised, really, because she's never too enthusiastic when it comes to spending any amount of time in close proximity with me.

Unless, of course, my lips happen to be in contact with hers. Then, it's a totally different story. A story she'd never stand by, of course, because she'll never admit to the fact that she's actually infatuated with me.

I've made it my mission to get her to admit that she feels something. Love, lust…something…anything. I never knew exactly what it would take to get Suze to fess up, but I figured the more I played with her head, the more she'd lose it. And then she'd finally be mine.

I couldn't play mind games in the middle of History class, so I just settled for the next best thing…Suze's hair. Her glossy, dark, chestnut curls that just felt so smooth to touch.

I tried to be subtle enough so Mr. Walden wouldn't notice, but blatant enough to stir Suze up.

And just like everything else in any plan I ever formulate, it worked. She spun around in her seat and hissed, "Quit it, Paul!" and then turned back around, running her own hand through her hair to smooth it back in place.

"Your hair looks nice today, Suze. Did you switch shampoo or something?" I asked, trying to keep my tone casual. I may seem like the picture of confidence, but I'll let you in on a little secret. My shyness is deep-rooted, only upturned by the girl who holds the golden key to my wooden heart. In other words, Suze Simon.

Instead of a response, she graced me with a deep sigh of exasperation.

Not exactly a sigh of lust-filled passion, but I take what I can get.

I leaned forward in my chair, very close to her ear. "I mean it, Suze," I said, making my voice as low and sensuous as possible, "I just have this sudden urge to…to run my hands through it. I don't think I'll be able to help myself much longer…"

She inhaled sharply, and I knew I had her. "Cut it out," she whispered coarsely.

Those words. I heard her saying them, but I wasn't really listening. I knew she didn't mean it. In fact, I could tell just by the harshness in her tone that she wanted more.

Not that she was predictable or anything. I mean, she left me guessing many times. She was like a video game, there were so many levels to her.

That's just how I like 'em.

I just had to find what made her tick. So again, my hands entwined in her hair, but this time instead of playing with it, I used my fingertips to massage her scalp lightly. I moaned softly in a manner somewhat suggestive of arousal, causing a few heads to turn. At that point, I didn't care who in the class saw me, or even if Mr Walden noticed. All I knew was that it drove Suze nuts in the worst possible way…

But that was what I wanted. To get inside her head and break her. Shatter her into a million pieces until she finally admitted that she wanted me. Needed me…

And, maybe if I pressed hard enough, loved me…even though her heart belongs to Jesse DeSilva, ghost of an 1850's rodeo clown. I mean, rancher.

I think I'm a terrible optimist to think this would ever work. Either that or I'm just plain crazy. Both wouldn't surprise me in the least.

When she couldn't take it any longer, her hand shot up in the air and she jerked away from me quickly. Mr Walden called on her and she asked, rather breathlessly, "Mr Walden…I don't feel all that well. Can I get a hall pass?"

Mr Walden nodded to her, motioning for her to come up to his desk. "Are you all right?" he asked as he filled out one of the hall pass sheets.

"Fine," Suze answered, with an absent look back at me, "I just…need some air or something."

Mr Walden tore out the hall pass and handed it to her. Suze was so quick to get out of the classroom that she nearly stumbled over the vacant desk closest to the door. This merited a few chuckles from fellow classmates, causing Mr Walden to shut them up by threatening to assign an essay topic. That always did the trick.

When Suze didn't return within the next five minutes, I knew something was up. The school nurse could sniff out students that faked sick faster than a police drug dog could sniff out drugs in a crack house. She wasn't really sick, she just wanted to get away from me. And I knew exactly where she headed. I knew because I myself had watched her skip lunch many times to visit.

I could have asked for a pass myself, if I wanted to raise suspicion from Mr. Walden. But instead, I chose a more dramatic exit.

Suze needed instruction in more than the methods shifting entailed, namely acting. I had my work cut out for me that was for sure.

I made some loud gagging noises. Mr Walden stopped writing on the board and looked at me curiously. Gagging more drastically, I contorted my face in a look that said 'I'm gonna be sick'.

"Go, immediately, Paul," Mr Walden said, pointing urgently at the door. To finish my act, I shot up from my desk and bolted out of the classroom.

I heard Mr Walden mutter on my way out, "There must have been something in the corn dogs."

An Oscar? For me? Oh, you're too kind.

She was exactly where I knew she'd be. In the mission's very own graveyard, filled with little wooden crosses and a few headstones to commemorate those who had made enough contributions to the Mission that they were able to be buried in sacred ground. Only, the grave she was at happened to belong to her dead boyfriend, who in my humble opinion was not at all worthy to even BE buried, holy ground or not.

Luckily, he was nowhere in sight. In fact, she wasn't even looking down longingly at the headstone like she normally did. She actually sat on top of it, her head buried in her palms, muttering something to herself.

I've come to appreciate the little things I notice about Suze when she doesn't realize I'm looking. It's like every single time I see her, there's something new to discover. Just the other day I noticed that she always bit her lower lip when faced with a hard question. I also know that with her New-York-flavor accent, she says 'nat' instead of not and 'cah' instead of car and 'Sla-tuh' instead of Slater.

What? So I've heard her say 'I'm not getting in that car with you, Paul Slater' a few times. You tend to notice things like that when you hear it enough times.

This time, however, I noticed something unusual about her. She was lacking something…vibrancy? I don't know exactly what it was, but I could tell something wasn't right. She seemed unwell, weak…vulnerable.

Ah, well. I might as well take advantage, if she's not herself today. Maybe she'd finally give in to me. Maybe she'll find that she just can't resist me this time.

That was all I needed: to get her in a position of vulnerability. That and a master plan, and I would have a recipe for complete success.

But what was success for today? Most days, it was getting Suze to say something more than 'Go away'. Others, it was trying to get Suze to get in my car. What was I after today? What did I really want?

The answer came deep from within. Suze. I wanted her. All of her…every last bit. Her eyes, her body, her hair, her lips. Everything.

It was an absurd goal, but I'm just an absurd guy. And you know what? I'm Paul Slater. Is there anything I can't pull?

…besides getting Suze to admit there's something between us?

I took one step, but froze. My heart was saying go get her Tiger, but my brain was thinking just the opposite.

What's the use? What makes you think you'll be successful this time? You certainly weren't all those other times. You may think you're tricking Suze, but you're actually fooling yourself.

She doesn't need you. She has a boyfriend, remember? She certainly doesn't want you, if the way she always pushes you away is any indicator. And guess what? She doesn't love you. Not the way she loves Jesse. Never has, never will

Turn around. Walk away. Stop wasting your time, already-

Was I really wasting my time? Would I ever gain anything from all this?

Tough questions. I mean, I dropped my life in Seattle in order to be here. I gave it all up. My old school, my family, the friends I had made, girls who actually liked me.

But that was easy to give up. I hated school, ditto my family, my friends were fakes, and the girls? Well, it was nice to have their attention, but even if I told them about my power, they'd never be able to understand me. Not in the same way Suze could.

It hit me like a sack of rocks falling from the cloudless blue sky above. I changed my life completely…for a girl. Never in my life had I ever done something so drastic for someone else.

I was stupid. I was so, so stupid. WHY DID I DO THAT?

I take a lot of risks, but mostly because I know the chances are in my favor. How could I not have seen that the odds were against me? How did I let this get by?

I was blinded. Blinded by a horrible illusion of something that could never be.

In all my seventeen years, I have never once lost the games I played. One thing – one person – had caused me to set myself up failure.

And suddenly, it wasn't Suze who was vulnerable. It was me.

A new question tugged at my heart and pounded my brain.

Should I stay or should I go?

The only thing left to hold onto my dream was a small glimmer of hope that maybe something would change. But how would I know?

Ask her.

Ask her? Ask her what? Why the sky is blue? This was a bad idea, following her to the graveyard. Following her to Carmel, California. Maybe I should give up. Turn around, walk away, go home, and never come back. Maybe that was how it was supposed to be.

No. It can't be that way. Not as long as I'm still Paul Slater.

You see, I never believed in all that fate and destiny bullshit. My life is controlled by me, not some unseen force that just mapped out my life for me. I can't take what life gives me. I have to earn it for myself.

But I can't earn Suze. So now what do I do?

My brain kicked my mind with a burst of realization.

Let Suze decide whether you stay or go. Her true feelings for you will show. Just ask her.

That's it! That's what I had to do. Ask her - no, make a proposition. A proposition that would benefit me either way, and yet make it clear whether or not my time here was well spent.

It was a plan. A plan sealed with a kiss, quite literally.

Finally I made an advance, the leaves crunching beneath my feet as I went to stand right in front of Suze. My shadow loomed above her, swallowing the small ray of sunlight that was shining down on her lustrous brown curls, and I could tell she felt my presence by the way her body tensed up.

"The nurse's office sure is busy these days," I said, my voice echoing in the emptiness in the graveyard. It was just me, Suze, and the rested dead buried underground. Of course, in a perfect universe, that's how it would always be.

She answered automatically with her usual, "Go away, Paul."

This was it. Action time.

"Do you really mean it?" I asked strongly, despite the abnormal tension in my stomach.

She jerked her head up and looked at me with her wide emerald eyes. The move, being a bit rash for her, caused her to hold her head and groan, "What?"

I elaborated, taking a step towards her, "Do you really want me to go away for good?"

Her eyes flickered to the ground as she continued to hold her head. I noticed that her color was a little off, for some reason. She asked me again after a long pause, "What?? What are you talking about?"

I sighed, and tried it again. It's so much less dramatic when you have to explain yourself, but for some reason, my logic wasn't registering to Suze. "I'll go away. I'll pack my bags and go back to Seattle. Back to Rick and Nancy and Jack."

She furrowed her brow in confusion, not knowing where I was coming from. Hell, I didn't even know where I was coming from. This was just another crazy scheme spawned from my brain. It only made sense to me at the time because I was determined.

"I won't call you, either," I continued on. "Maybe a letter here and there, if I can't help myself, but you won't have to respond. I'll leave you alone, for good."

I don't know where I was pulling this from. I had the plan in my head, but I didn't actually know what I was going to say to her. It was like my mouth had a mind of its own and my body was just there to observe Suze's ever growing frustration.

She didn't answer. Her lips were pressed in slight exasperation, but her eyes remained wide and bewildered.

I took a breath to clear my mind, which so over-flowed I was afraid everything would come exploding out. Then, I asked finally, "Would you want that, Suze?"

"Where did this come from?" she asked, shaking her head.

I shrugged casually. "I figure there's no reason to waste my time wasting yours, as much as I enjoy it. And I really do enjoy it, Suze. It's fun. But fun hasn't brought any personal gain from it."

"I don't get it."

"You're content with Jesse," I said.

She gave me a strange look. "…Yes."

"So you don't need me here. I'll only become a greater obstacle. You don't want that do you?" I asked.

She looked down at the ground and then back up at me, her green eyes filled with something that was difficult to decode. But I knew what her answer was. I didn't even have to ask.

I nodded, taking her silence for what I knew it was. "Then, in your best interest and in my own, I feel I must leave. And I will. For a price, of course."

I saw her body tense up again, and her eyes, which were undecipherable, were now completely filled with anxious fear. "W-what is it?" she asked.

I threw her a lopsided smirk. "A kiss."

Her eyes must have widened at least another two centimeters. Before she had a chance to say anything, I dropped slowly to my knees so I could be eye-level. "One little kiss…" I whispered, giving each word slightly dramatic emphasis.

"No," she replied straight away, her tone completely unwavering. She didn't even waste her time trying to think about it, the answer just seemed so clear in her mind. She seemed so sure, and yet unsure. I had to know if that was what she truly wanted. So I decided to play with her mind a little more.

It's like Regis on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Is THAT your final answer, Suze?

So I asked, "Not even to get rid of me for good?"

Again she stared at me in disbelief. I don't know if she thought I was playing a joke or what, but I guess my plan was a little out of character. Not for me, because I was the mastermind, but at least from her perspective.

"…Go away…"

Well, obviously she wasn't taking me seriously. And she should know by now that that was a horrible mistake. Always, always take Paul Slater seriously…you never know what I'll try to pull next.

In this case, I was going to get a kiss. Even if she said she'd rather me stay. Because when she says that, I'd pull her in for the most mind-blowing kiss she'd ever receive. It'd take her to new heights, it'd thrill her every nerve. And maybe it'd make her think twice about just who IS the better man for her.

This is not just another little trick, Susie. This is the real deal.

"You know the rules, Susie," I chided, "I don't pack until I get my kiss. Otherwise, you're stuck with me."

My kiss. It hadn't even happened yet, and it was like I owned it. I had claims on it, so why shouldn't I say it was mine? I paid for it with my own intelligence. I deserve it.

She frowned to herself, thinking.

Suze needed me around. Who else would uncover the secrets of her hidden ability? I'm the only shifter she knows besides my grandfather, who's a totally gork. I'm the only one who can give her the answers that she wanted. I'm the only one that could feed the fire of knowledge in her mind.

I have another question she ought to be considering as well. Who would be there when Jesse isn't?

Me. She needs me, and she knows it.

I smiled again and pushed some of her hair, which had fallen in her face, back behind her ear.

"The answer isn't as easy now, is it?" I whispered, drawing the words out slowly.

I savored how my voice sent chills up her spine and down her back again. She turned her head away slowly. Again, I noticed that she didn't look too well. Her coloring was still off. Not her usual rosy-cheeked self. In fact, I could almost see a tint of green.

"Suze?" I asked, crouching more towards her so I could see her face. "Are you all right? You don't look so well."

"I'm…fine," she said, blinking slowly. She went to stand up, but as soon as her feet were planted on the ground, she had to grasp for the headstone again and sit back down.

Sure, Suze. Fine.

I had no more time to waste. I had to find out my answer and get my kiss NOW.

"So what'll it be?" I asked, waiting expectantly for her response. She didn't answer me right away. In fact, she was deep in thought, almost as if she weren't too sure what to do.

I had intended for the answer to be so easy. She knew she needed me to stay. And if she didn't see that, then it should have been perfectly clear that the other option was to send me off.

But it obviously wasn't easy. I asked again, this time more impatiently, "Suze?"

"Paul…please, not now, okay?" she snapped at me, her sharp emerald eyes cutting into me.

"Come on," I pleaded, "It's simple. You don't even have to explain your choice. If you want me gone, just kiss me. No questions asked, no fingers pointed."

This caused her to scowl, which was amusing. I chuckled and reached up to entwine my fingers in her hair again. She let out a quiet moan.

"Quick as that," I said, "And I'll be out of your hair."

With a snap, I disentangled my fingers from her hair. I took her hand in my own and stared up at her with my widest puppy-dog eyes. The Slater puppy eyes. Works every time.

Right as my eyes met hers, she stood up immediately, but then her legs seemed to fail, so she sat right back down. She obviously wasn't doing well, despite what she was telling me.

"You need help getting up?" I offered. She took it graciously and I helped her up. But, being the sly fox that I am, I pulled her hand so she fell straight into me. I caught her by her waist and looked down on her.

"Well?" I asked, biting my lower lip while I awaited a reply.

This was it. This was the deciding factor.

She stared up at me and something weird flashed in her eyes. I didn't know what it was until she slid her hands behind my neck and brought my head down to meet her lips.

I'm sorry. That's what it was. Sympathy.

And with all my fears realized I kissed her back, though very sadly. This kiss, it was the end of everything.

I had to give up my position as tennis captain. I had to give up the grand view of the ocean for a mean cityscape. I had to say goodbye to the Mission school, with its antique charm. I just realized, too, no more history class where I got to sit behind Suze.

And I'd grown to look forward to these little shifting lessons I set up. Not that I wasn't already thrilled to spend time with Suze, but they'd become a little something bright in the middle of my week.

Oh God. No more Suze…

It'd all been kissed away by Suze. And the whole time we kissed, I could feel the words she never said. The unspoken sympathy she felt as she subtly leaned into me.

I'm sorry…

Sorry my ass. Why should she have to apologize when I was the sorry one here? I mean, I'd given up my whole damn LIFE just to be near her. Giving up so much…for a girl? That's just stupid.

Now what do I have for all that time wasted? A kiss. I was so sure that she'd let me stay. Ask me to stay. BEG me to stay. But I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

Right then my story, my goals, my fantasy, my new dreadful reality was all sealed…with a kiss.

She pulled away for a moment, but I still went on.

Please, I begged her with my lips, please don't stop.

Because the terrible truth of it all was that when she stopped, my life would be over.

Her lips ignored my request, and she ended the kiss. I was afraid to open my eyes, afraid to look reality in the eye.

She doesn't want you. She never did.

"I…I don't want you to leave, Paul."

…

…………

……………WHAT?

My eyes snapped open and I looked down at her, bewildered. Did I miss something? My life was supposed to dissolve right here, right now. According to my plan, she kisses me, I go home.

And, well, none of those words sounded anything like, 'Now run along home, Paulie!'

"I don't understand," I said. And I really didn't.

Her voice came out kind of weakly, but I heard her next words loud and clear. "Don't play dumb with me, Paul. You know what I mean."

I…I couldn't believe it. I thought my life was dead. I'd already gone and buried it. But now something pulsed through my heart, causing whatever void this created to fill instantly.

She wanted me to stay. She wanted me to stay. SHE WANTED ME TO STAY, DAMMIT.

I felt like laughing. I felt like rolling on the floor laughing. And then, I'd pull Suze down with me and we could-

Uh, nevermind.

Just then, Suze's knees gave out. She nearly fell to the ground, but I caught her, holdig her close to me for stability.

"Paul," she said faintly, "I need to…"

But she didn't finish that sentence because she instantly fell limp into my arms.

Great. I finally get the girl to admit she wants me around, and she has to go and pass out on me. Do I have bad karma or something?

"Damn," I chuckled to myself, "I didn't know you felt that way about me, Suze."

I guess she wouldn't have appreciated my humor then, even if she was out cold.

What to do…AH. The nurse. She can't be THAT busy, after all.

I scooped Suze in my arms and carried her all the way to the nurse from the graveyard. Leave it up to the nurse to decide just then not to be in. So, of course, I do the only thing I know to do, which is lay Suze on one of the beds and leave her there.

I stared down at her after I put her on the bed. Her brown hair was fanned about her shoulders, and she looked so peaceful. Almost as peaceful as I was worried.

It's a grand day when Paul Slater finally worries about someone other than himself.

I went over to the nurse's desk and jotted a quick note on a stack of Post-it-Notes the nurse had:

She fainted. Take care of her.

I stuck the note on the nurse's obsolete computer screen, and strolled out of the office.

The words of the note were burned in my brain. Take care of her…

They made me realize something important about myself. I, Paul Slater, had the capacity to care for, and maybe even LOVE someone. I never knew I had it in me. Why else did I go to great lengths just to be with Suze?

I risked it all. And now that I still had her, I felt great. Better than great.

Perfect.

The shady breezeway looked a little brighter. The sun's rays shined down on my body a little warmer than usual. Even the gardens, with their bright colored flowers and leaves so green looked even more beautiful than they ever had before.

I never noticed these things before. Like how the stem of the hibiscus flower was the exact same color as Suze's eyes.

I went over to the flower and plucked it out. I knew that if anyone saw, I'd probably get suspended. But I didn't care. I was on a high.

I took the flower back in the nurse's office and went right back to where I put Suze. I slipped the vibrant red flower in her hand, and kissed her on the forehead.

And then I left the office. Not Suze's life because after everything…

She wanted me to stay.