TRIGGER WARNING - There are big mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Also elements of abuse throughout the story. Please read with caution.
i recieved a PM requesting that i edit my mental hospital fic and make it a Fairy Tail based one. i actually have wanted to do this for a while, so i was happy to. this is more or less exactly the same as my Abraham Falls fic, but i've changed to character's to make it Fairy Tail based. please enjoy!
She had planned it all out perfectly.
The pill container was hidden under her mattress, along with the blade. The pill container was full of her mother's 'Happy Pills', as she used to call them when she was a little kid. Lucy always knew they were strong sleeping pills, so that her mother could sleep through the sound of her father's infidelity with his 'co-worker' in his study. But Lucy doubted that her mother would even notice they were gone. She relied on good 'ol whiskey to drown her sorrows now. But no more would Lucy have to deal with that knowledge.
No more. Lucy Heartfilia was completely and utterly ready. It was a Wednesday, Mother's Day off from work and favourite day of the week, which caused an unusually bright atmosphere to the cold, lifeless mansion. You'd think that'd make her more reluctant to do it. Make her want to stay. However, it had to opposite effect. It made her want to go.
The light atmosphere just reminded Lucy that it wouldn't last, it wasn't real. It was an illusion. The one-off day her parents thought they'd give her a break from all the screaming, shouting, and yelling she had been brought up in. Being raised in such a web of negativity only made this day inevitable.
Bet they saw it coming, she thought morbidly as she made her way upstairs, finally home from the tedious day at school.
School wasn't much of a break from home. Lucy really didn't know what she hated more. Her emotions seemed as fickle as the weather. In the summer, you wanted winter. In the winter, you wanted summer. You always want what you don't have then, but when you finally get what you'd been hoping for, you regret it.
Lucy wanted nothing more to be home when she was at school, as all the attention was on her, but in the worst way. The name calling, hair pulling, and chair kicking. Everything may seem like little things, but they were all enough to push her over the edge in the end. Death of a thousand cuts.
Like winter and summer, home was the opposite of school. She was completely ignored, as if she was invisible. Most of the time that is. If ever she did receive any attention, it was only ever negative, and usually involved her regularly drunk and heavy-handed father.
Isn't that enough reason to end it? The two lives that she led, at home and at school were both pathetic, miserable lives that no one should be forced to live. So, why should she?
Lucy opened her bedroom door and locked it behind her, half cursing, half thanking that she was sure that her parents wouldn't care enough to check on her when the deed was done. When would they finally notice? Would one of the staff find her? The smell? Would the school call?
Lucy didn't know and she didn't care. She threw her bag on the floor, maybe a little too hard. The books caused a harsh bang on the wooden floor and the sound bounced off the walls of her room. She fell to her knees at the side of the bed and pulled the tools out with an eagerness that was almost sick. She had to pull the blade out first. The light shone off of the cold metal.
She smiled.
Lucy pulled the pills out afterwards. She rested the blade on her knee before popping open the lid. Her hands were shaking. She pulled out twelve pills and held them up to the light that creeped through the window.
But as she placed the first pill on her tongue, she had to stifle a sob. This is so pathetic; it was hard to even comprehend.
No. She thought to herself furiously. She couldn't go on like this. She won't. Lucy stabbed the knife into the wooden floor beside her and spilled out the rest of the pills, all her previous hesitation forgotten.
Lucy took one at a time, labelling each with a reason of why she wanted to do this, why she needed to do this. It made it easier. She finished quickly and awaited the effects. Nothing.
She waited a little longer… Nothing. She decided to cut while she waited.
They came on the moment Lucy attempted to press the blade to her wrist. Her hand was already shaking. Her hands began to shake more, shaking uncontrollably and light, thick strands of hair began to stick to her face. She dropped the knife to the floor, causing a loud clank as it made impact.
So, this was it, huh? She was finally dying. A huge weight felt like it was lifting, floating off her chest.
But something wasn't right. Wasn't dying meant to be peaceful? It never mentioned this in any of the books.
As her vision grew even hazier, she heard banging coming from the left. Was this apart of dying? Lucy turned my head to see the door shaking and her eyes, once heavy lidded, widened. She saw a single figure in the doorway before the world went black.
Lucy blinked her eyes open slowly. They felt heavy and her vision and memory was hazy. Her head hurt. Her sight went from black, to a tinted red, then to a semi-normal grey colour as she shifted to look around the room.
White. That was the first thing that came to mind. Only when she smelt that awful antiseptic smell did she realise where she was.
Lucy turned her head to see her parents sat with their heads in their hands, almost as if they cared. She raised a brow before laying her head back down, prepared to pretend to be asleep to avoid the false commotion that was sure to come. She guessed her mother must have found her. If her dad had there was no way she'd be alive right now. This is a situation that she didn't plan for.
"Ah, you're awake."
Lucy mentally cursed the man that she found stood in the doorway. He was leant casually against the doorframe with his arms crossed. His long, crimson red hair was pulled not a lazy ponytail behind his back, the informal hairdo giving him a very intimidating atmosphere, which didn't match his crisp black suit. A nurse walked around the man and began to check Lucy's vitals as she glared at anything but the people in the room.
"Lucy?"
This was that stupid man's fault. Lucy's folks stood to kneel at the side of her bed, their eyes wide and bloodshot. Mothers looked somewhat genuine, but Lucy could easily make out the annoyance in her dad's eyes. But he hid it so well. Could fool anyone.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Father hissed as he grasped her arm roughly. Lucy watched Mother open her mouth to object, but it shut promptly. Guess Lucy nearly dying didn't make her mother grow a backbone. Lucy sighed and met his eyes levelly.
"I apologise for the inconvenience." She muttered; her voice heavy with annoyance. Father's eyes flashed with something scary.
Well, she had never done that before. Lucy had to fight the urge to avert her eyes as a small lace a fear swept through her stomach. Then chaos erupted.
It was loud. The nurse was asking her questions as she shone an irritating light in Lucy's eyes. Her parents were arguing about who got to talk to her first and the man in the doorway was scolding her parents for 'smothering' her.
Oh, please.
"Why am I here?"
The question made everyone's jaws snap shut. All eyes turned to Lucy, wide with shock. She raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"Well?"
"Lucy," Mother began slowly, her eyes narrowed. "What do you me-"
"Why am I still alive?"
This was obviously what they wanted. They wanted her to say it. Lucy's parents gasped and looked at each other, even the nurse took a sharp intake of breath. The only person who kept their wits was the man in the doorway. He turned to glare at those in the room.
"May I ask you all to leave? I'd like a moment with Lucy."
Lucy's parents and the nurse did so without discussion. Mother tried to squeeze her hand on her way out, but Lucy pulled hers away sharply.
"Don't." She said quietly. Mother stopped, before nodding sharply and walking out. Father followed steadily, not even sparing Lucy a second glance. That stung a little, though it was no more than she expected. The man in the doorway finally stepped in and shut the door behind him. Only then did Lucy notice the clipboard in his hand and the pen tucked behind his ear. Lucy had to desperately resist the urge to roll her eyes. This was just what she needed. A therapist.
"My name is Igneel Dragneel," The man said as he made his way to a chair, though his attention was solely on the young blonde in the hospital bed. She couldn't help but feel his name sounded a little silly.
"Now, Lucy," Igneel began, sitting in the seat her mother was previously sat in. "Wanna tell me why you tried to kill yourself?"
Lucy had to raise her eyebrows. That was quick. Usually, they work up to trying to get such an answer and try to gain trust, but this man just went straight for his goal. Lucy shook away her thoughts.
"I didn't." Lucy replied, her voice guarded. Igneel sighed at the young woman's response and lowered his head to rub his eyes.
"So, you're one of them ones, huh?" He murmured quietly.
"One of what ones?"
"The ones who deny everything. The ones who act too tough to tumble. The ones who think they're so strong that they can deal with everything on their own. Admirable, but stupid."
Lucy blinked at the doctor. How did he get all of that just by a two-word response? Lucy narrowed her eyes, tilted her chin up and turned away to glare out the window.
"I am strong enough to deal with this on my own," The blonde began to say, but Igneel scoffed, and Lucy's eyes swung back to him.
"Well, I don't know how to put this," Igneel began, his voice thick with sarcasm. "But in my experience, I find that attempting to kill yourself is not the correct way to deal with things."
"I didn't try to kill myself."
"You took twelve sleeping pills in the space of a minute, it would seem." Igneel said precisely.
"…I didn't feel very well." Lucy offered lamely; her voice clipped.
"You could have died." Igneel shot back. Lucy huffed and turned to glare back out the window.
"Coulda-woulda-shoulda…" She muttered. Igneel was quiet for a while before he finally shifted.
"Hm." Igneel jotted something down on the clipboard before he looked up at Lucy again.
"Okay - I think I know what you need." The doctor stated. He fiddled through some papers before pulling out a leaflet and offering it to Lucy. She didn't take it.
"I don't need anything. I'm fine." Lucy repeated calmly.
Igneel dropped his arm and faced Lucy with a very hard expression that made the young woman feel… small. Young. Lucy squirmed under his gaze but did attempt to meet it head on, though she imagined she looked quite pathetic in comparison.
"Lucy," Igneel began in a very precise voice. "I've been speaking with you for less than five minutes and I already have multiple possible-diagnoses. You are not fine."
Lucy's eyes narrowed.
"What?"
"Mhmm," Igneel nodded. "I'm thinking a personality disorder, but I'm also detecting some psychosis, but I'm not too sure on that one yet. But Lucy, they aren't even what I'm worried about and they're both very bad illnesses to have, especially at your age. Especially this severe."
"What is it that you're worried about then?"
"You have been diagnosed with severe depression. And that is not a possibility but a certainty. You're going to Fairy Tail's, and that's final."
Lucy stared at the leaflet in her hand, labelled: Fairy Tail's Mental Institution for Troubled Minds. She sighed in exasperation for the umpteenth before looking out the car door window. It was this stupid institution that they were headed to.
The fact that she was going there was decided without her, of course. It was decided before she had even woken up. As usual, the grown-ups make all the important, life-altering decisions. Lucy didn't get a say in the matter.
She unwillingly heaved another sigh, unaware that we were currently pulling into the institution's grounds.
"Lucy," her Dad spoke, his voice unusually clear and stern. Lucy's brows shot up. He mustn't have drunk anything today. "I want you to behave in there, okay? It's bad enough we're even allowing you to go to this place. Do you have any idea how this makes us look?"
"Well, I'm ever so sorry my misery causes so many problems for you." Lucy muttered. She was moving out, so who cares?
"Now, you shut up with that, alright?" Father snapped and Mother jumped. "I'm getting sick of this fucking back chat. Just because you're running off to some loony bin doesn't mean you can talk back to me. Remember where you're coming back to, alright?"
Lucy noticed her mother squirm, but she knew that she wouldn't stick up for her. Mother wouldn't even hear the threat in his last sentence. Lucy nodded silently, feeling almost happy when the institutions sign came into view. She could finally gain some distance from her ever-cold Father.
She opened the door before the car had even stopped moving when they arrived. She ignored her father's warnings and muttered comments as she made her way up the large, wide steps.
The building looked a lot like a hospital, minis all the automatic doors and that awful smell. Lucy slowed down so that her parents could stop by her sides. She fell back automatically as they made their way to the reception.
"Oh, hello," A polite voice sounded before they had even got to the desk. Lucy turned to see a scarlet-haired woman making her way towards them through two double doors that seemed to lead into the hospital. She was very pretty, wearing a modest but stylish suit and her flaming hair pulled back into a soft ponytail. "My name is Erza Scarlett. Is this the new recruit?"
"Oh, hi," Mother said as she stepped forwards to shake the woman's hand. "I'm Layla and this is my husband-"
"Jude." Father took a step forward to push mother behind him. He shot mother a warning glance before turning back towards Erza. "We're here for Lucy."
"Ah, Lucy!" the woman turned so her eyes landed on Lucy. Lucy frowned as the older woman grinned. "Well, you look just about ready. Do you want to see your room now or -"
"Yes," Lucy said, unable and unwilling to mask the desperation in her voice. The red-haired woman smiled again before turning to Lucy's parents.
"If you want to say your goodbyes, I can take Lucy to get settled while you finish the paperwork. Is that alright?"
"That's fine," Jude said dismissively. Lucy coughed to hide a scoff. Her father's eyes snapped towards her, and her heart sunk when they narrowed.
"Can I say goodbye to her alone please?"
He didn't wait for a response as he dragged his daughter a little away from mother and the doctor. He placed his hands on Lucy's shoulders before he pulled her into a hug.
"Remember what I said, okay?" he muttered, and all air left Lucy's lungs. "I don't want any more shit. And I won't forget the way you've been speaking to me. Is that acceptable, girl?"
Any cockiness that Lucy had in her dried up as she shook her head, frozen with fear. Father sighed and rubbed her back. She was sure to anyone it would simply look like a heart-broken father saying goodbye to his daughter. If only they knew.
"And you know better than to mention anything silly in a place like this right?" he carried on in that sickening voice. "You don't want to get daddy in trouble now, do you?"
Lucy shook her head.
"Good girl," he murmured, his voice made bile rise in her throat as his breath brushed against her ear. He pulled away and patted her shoulder before guiding her back to mother. Lucy's legs felt stiff with horror.
She hoped she'd never go home.
Mother hugged her softly, though Lucy didn't return it, and murmured her goodbye into her daughter's hair. Lucy's heart clenched. Oh, how she wished this was real. The feeling shattered as her father planted a soft kiss on her forehead, his voice strained but false as he muttered his goodbye.
"Now, you get better soon so you can come back to us, you hear?" he said in a strange voice. He backed away to wrap his arm around mother's waist who rested her head on his shoulder, nodding in agreement. Lucy stared at the scene. It looked real. Almost. But then her father's eyes darkened when Erza's back turned and his arm dropped from his wife's waist. Lucy's eyes narrowed as she took a step back.
She wouldn't think of them twice the moment they were gone, she promised herself. She gave her father one last dark look before turning on her heels and disappearing into the hospital.
Lucy ended up in Erza's workspace. It was quite homely for an office, and all the tension had oozed from her body now that she was a safe distance away from her father. She sat on a comfy armchair in front of a large wooden desk and twiddled her thumbs. Erza watched her and wrote something down. Lucy frowned and pulled her hands apart - Erza jotted something down again. Well, this is gonna be fucking annoying.
"So, Lucy," Erza began, her voice already coated in sympathy. "I heard your story from Igneel, and it just about broke my heart. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Lucy said immediately, and met Erza's eyes with her own blankly, hoping to give nothing away. "There's nothing to talk about."
Erza's eyes clouded with sorrow.
"Lucy, I know you haven't been able to talk to someone recently but that's different now. There are people here who will understand you and some that know what you're going through. You're on the same road. If you want to get better, we need to talk."
"No, they need to talk to get better. I need to be left alone."
"No one can recover on their own, not even someone like you."
Lucy frowned.
"Someone like me?"
"You've been enduring this for a while now, haven't you?" Erza asked as she looked to the papers on her lap. Lucy shuffled in discomfort. "From your diagnosis I can see this is a long-term thing. Want to tell me about that?"
"Will it make you leave me alone?"
"Yes."
Lucy rolled her eyes at the lie.
"Fine, I tried to kill myself because there was nothing left. It wasn't getting better. I had nothing to look forward to and nothing made me happy. Hell, I have yet to understand what happy feels like - But I can't be helped because this is who I am. I was brought up in such a shit environment that it seeped into me and made me who I am now. And you can't change that no matter how much you want to."
Lucy was breathless by the time she had finished. Erza only folded her arms over the clipboard to lean forward as she analysed the blonde blatantly. The doctor then narrowed her eyes before she jotted something down and leant toward Lucy once more. Lucy huffed.
"Lucy, everyone in their life feels like there's no point at some point. You just had more reason to believe it. But you can get better if you cooperate."
"You don't think I've already thought about that?" Lucy asked in exasperation, throwing her hands up. "Because I did. I tried to think in every single way how things could get better, but I came up blank. My parents are the problem, and they will never change, and I'm stuck with them till I turn eighteen. I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to wait another two years. I can't last that long."
Erza shook her head and placed her notebook down. This made Lucy feel a little more at ease. When she wrote stuff down it felt like she was being studied. Lucy didn't like that.
"There are ways you wouldn't understand that could improve your mental health. Things that we can offer here." Erza told her softly.
Lucy sighed and Erza leaned forward to pat Lucy's shoulder. Lucy stiffened under the pressure. Erza noticed and let go.
"We will do everything in our power to make you happy, Lucy," she said in a firm voice. Lucy looked up in surprise.
"To make me happy?" Lucy asked with a humourless laugh. "Not healthy? I thought you all thought I was sick."
Erza nodded slowly before drawing her hands away.
"You are sick, Lucy. You're mentally sick and you suffer physical wounds that were self-inflicted, we presume" Lucy winced. So, they were gonna do this now?
"You hurt yourself too, Lucy?"
"It helps me," Lucy said through gritted teeth.
"Lucy, it couldn't help you." Erza said in a sad voice. "It never did. You may think it did, but it didn't."
"It did," Lucy snapped.
"How?" Erza asked suddenly. Lucy leant back into her seat as she tried to form her feelings into words.
"I was hurting all the time," Lucy said slowly before pointing to her head. "In here. It made everything feel so much worse. When I cut, the pain was separated. The physical pain distracted me from whatever was going on in my head. I could finally make sense of it - Think clearly. And the mental pain was always so much worse. I could think straight. It was such a relief. But it only lasted for the time I was cut."
Erza nodded slowly, but her eyes were still strained. She looked uncomfortable.
"I can see some sense in that," The older woman allowed. "But that doesn't make it right. There are healthier ways to get your thoughts and feelings in order."
"Like what?"
"Hobbies, friends, interests…"
"Don't have any."
Erza smiled and shook her head. "Now that's not true. You like to read."
Lucy thought about it for a moment, before shrugging.
"…Yeah. Yeah, reading's nice."
"We have a library here." Erza chuckled as Lucy's eyes widened. "We'll work on the hobby and friends front, but for now if you're overwhelmed, no matter where you are, just go to the library and read till your heart's content."
Lucy hesitated before nodding slowly. Erza clapped her hands together.
"Okay. I need to work on your schedule so how about I take you to get settled in your room?"
Lucy nodded.
"Okay."