Fic: What The Hell(mouth) Happened?

Author: mkcrl120

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this story belong to Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy or some other people. I own nothing and wrote this just to get it out of my system.

Summary: I'm writing some of these, as I've come up with ideas that I honestly don't know what I'll be doing when the Ultimate series gets that far. In the meantime, these won't go away from my brain unless I do something with them. Warning: It may be a standalone it may be spoilers for something later; only time will tell.

Rating: 15 by English standards (mainly for language)

Setting: Season 3 - I think you'll recognise when.

What The Hell(mouth) Happened? - 3/?

Later that day
Sunnydale High Library

"Okay... so what did happen?" Giles asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"C happened." Faith informed him.

Giles sighed, and begun to polish his glasses, "You've told me that, what you haven't said is what that means?"

Jesse smiled and high fived Faith. "Two words... definitely today's winner."

Ignoring them, he turned to Willow who was perched on Jesse's lap. "Maybe you'd like to explain this to me further."

Willow began to babble under the pressure. "We don't know any more than Faith does. Cordelia turned up, started muttering incomprehensibly and Xander's gone to look after her."

"So we don't know for certain that I need to be involved in any way." Giles mood had shifted from exasperation to relief. He'd never particularly liked putting up with that Cordelia girl anyway. 'Always seemed a bit ungrateful, for someone needing to be rescued a lot of the time.'

"But she does have her good points." Jesse muttered. Willow arched her eyebrows at him. "I do not have a crush on Cordelia!"

Faith smiled, climbing onto the desk in front of him, she joined in the teasing. "Is it her big titties, Jess? Are they the points you were referring to." Faith thrust her own cleavage out to emphasis the point.

"Ohhh... someone's getting excited." Willow mocked from her place on his lap. "Dunno if it was the thought of Cordelia, or your own magnificent pair though Faith."

"I am not." Jesse defended himself.

"Probably yours Faith." Willow teased.

"What these little things?" Faith put her hands to her own breasts, and stroked them through her t-shirt sensually.

Jesse tried to look away. Willow pulled his head back so they were still in sight. "Well, if you're not interested..." Willow leaned in til her face was mere inches from Faith's, her hands creeping up Faith's sides.

Jesse began to redden, and had to re-arrange Willow's position on his lap. Faith and Willow stopped inches apart and broke down laughing. Willow turning slightly resting her head on Faith's shoulder while she wiped tears from her eyes.

"Men are so easy." She commented.

"I know..." Faith agreed. "That's why we like them."

Now that Willow had moved enough to all Jesse to re-adjust his trousers, he quickly did so. "I preferred you when you were shy," He hissed at her, through his embarassment. "Before you met her."

"No you don't... if I was still shy, then you'd never get me to do that thing you like."

"Ohhh... dirt... dish it." Faith immediately leapt onto the new topic.

"You already know." Willow whispered loud enough so that Jesse could hear.

"You told her..?" Jesse shouted, as Willow began to start laughing again.

"Hey... what's wrong with telling me?" Faith pouted. "If she didn't tell me stuff... then who else would she be trying to persuade to join in that birthday thing you wanted to do..." she trailed off seductively.

"Wh.. sh... her.... yo...." Jesse spluttered.

"Good guess." Willow smirked as she lay on the desk giggling uncontrollably.

"You mean you didn't tell..."

"Men always ask for something along those lines stud..." Faith smiled at him. "Don't worry about it."

Jesse put his head face down on the table, "I really hate you two at times."

Willow smiled and began stroking the back of his neck hairs with her hands, "Ahh... poor Jesse doesn't like it when we play with him?"

"But if we don't get to play with him... then we'll have to play with each other... and we won't let him watch." Faith purred.

Jesse did his best to ignore them, as two pairs of hands began stroking his neck and shoulders. Both still giggling slightly.

Xander and Buffy walked Cordelia into the library. "This is Giles, he may be able to help you."

"Were you even listening to me..? I know who Giles is." Cordelia snapped.

"Okay chill... firstly we have to persuade him that this is a hellmouthy deal."

However, Giles was halfway to them already. "Thank God you've arrived... do we need to do research..? Is there any research we can make them do..?"

"Okay... that might not be the Giles I know..." Cordelia conceded.

"Doesn't sound like ours either..." Buffy agreed, "What's up with you?"

Giles just pointed towards where the others were sitting at the large table.

"And..?" Xander asked.

"They won't leave me alone." Jesse shouted without raising his head.

"Ahhhh..." Xander said understandably. "I think the trick is to call their bluff." He offered back as advice.

"You so did not call our bluff." Buffy corrected him.

Faith left Jesse alone and strode over. "Seconded... you ran like a scared little kiddie."

"You started to take your clothes off." Xander pointed at Faith, then spinning round to point at Buffy. "And you were helping her."

"Most men would have died to be in that position." Faith flirted, pulling her t-shirt slightly away from her body.

"Most men don't have girlfriends, who can actually kill them..." He tried to reason, refusing to look at the flesh being slowly revealed.

"Don't be shy Xan... you've seen them before." Buffy urged him forward.

Xander tried to knock her hands away.

"You what?" Jesse shouted from his position on the desk, his head was now resting on Willow's lap as she continued to run her fingers through his hair.

"Oh yeah... peeping tom here's seen all of me." Faith seemed please to call even more embarrassment. Giles gave up and went to sit in his office.

"You never told me that." Both Jesse and Willow called at the same time.

"It was an accident." Xander tried.

"He walked in on her in the shower." Buffy informed everyone.

"I thought it was you."

"So he says eh Buff?" Faith winked in Buffy's direction. Buffy laughed.

"It was not funny."

"Oh come on... even my mom thought it was funny."

"You told your mother..?" Xander almost choked.

"Oh god yes.." Faith went on. "Joyce knows all that goes on in our house, doesn't she B?"

"Why did you think she kept announcing when she was going in the shower when you were in the house?"

"I thought she was telling everyone."

"Faith broke down each time she did it."

"I thought it was an 'in' joke. I didn't know your mom was in on the 'in' joke... oh how am I gonna face her now."

"You've faced her since."

"But that was bef... wait she knows I walked in on Faith in the shower... and she knows I was intending to walk in on Buffy..?"

Both girls nodded. Xander shook his head, and walked to the table, "Any room there, Jess?"

"Help yourself."

Xander placed his head on the table next to where Jesse was sitting. "Just accept that all three of them are pure evil man... it's what I've learned to do."

"Hey!!!" The girls shouted at once.

Cordelia watched this exchange with disbelief. "Since when are Xander and Jesse studs?"

"Just cos Larry turned out to be gay." Faith said to her.

"What's that go to do wi..." Realisation dawned. "I dated Larry?"

Giles returned from the other room. "Can we please get down to the business in hand." When no further comments were forthcoming he continued. "Right... Miss Chase, what is the exact nature of your amnesia?"

"My what?"

"Amnesia... Memory loss... they said you were behaving strangely, and I've just heard you state that you don't remember dating Larry..." Turning to Xander, he muttered quietly "Larry was the one we saved from the..?"

Xander nodded at the unfinished question.

"Now, even I remember the two of you out... you were the victims of a possible mugging, nothing was taken so..."

"You mean vampire attack right?"

Giles coughed nervously, "Miss Chase... I'm not sure what caused your apparent head injury, but we may have to add delusions to th..."

"Buffy is a Vampire Slayer, so's Faith... you're their watcher, or at least Buffy's. So far you've stopped the Master from opening the Hellmouth, and stopped Angelus from opening Acathla... right..? Or did I imagine all that too?" She added sarcastically.

"Well some bits weren't exactly corr.."

Cordelia started ticking points off on her fingers. "Previous Slayer was called Kendra. You've managed to blow up a demon called the Judge. Buffy's mom dated a robot. Oz is a werewolf. Angel is a vampire. Xander almost became a fish... anything I'm missing here?"

"I almost became a fish?"

"Yes... when the coach person was giving the swimming team...?" At his blind look she continued. "You joined the team to inviltrate what was happening to them."

"Ermmm no... I was on the swim team." He said proudly looking at Buffy.

"No you weren't... that other you was." She corrected him. "The one that dated her."

"Oh yeah."

"Excuse me..." Giles interrupted, "Other you?"

"This isn't Cordelia."

"It looks like her... another robot?"

Faith looked thoughtful, "I can't believe I slept with a werewolf... would explain why he left town."

Cordy tried to explain. "No, you didn't... Willow did... though I'm not sure if she had slept with him yet."

Jesse sat up, "Hey... you accusing Willow of cheating on me?"

Xander put a restraining hand on his shoulder, "Not you... doofus... the other you."

"What other me?"

"I didn't sleep with Oz... I wouldn't, I mean... I hardly knew him... and what other Jesse could I have cheated on?"

"Can everyone be very quiet!" Giles shouted. "Okay... now... Xander you seem to have the best idea what's going on, explain it to me slowly."

"What we gathered from talking to her. This Cordy... appears to be from an alternate dimension. Seems in her dimension, I cheated on her with Willow... so she met this Fairy Godmother... typical hellmouth in action. And made a wish that was supposed to stop me from doing so... instead... she got moved to our dimension."

"Marvelous." Giles said, heading into the stacks to fetch a few books.

"Alternate dimensions. Like they have in Star Trek?" Willow asked, turning to face Jesse.

"Yep... and you said they weren't possible." Jesse added. Turning to face Willow, he started to tease her. "Ahh the scientific... You and Giles might be able to beat us hands down with all the mystical mojo stuff, but me and Xander have been sci fi fans since my mom took us to see one of the repeats of the Star Wars film... you were invited but you didn't want to go remember..? Let's see who laughs last with this research session."

Giles returned from the stacks with a lot of books. "There are a lot of possible demons who do work on the side of light. I've never heard of a Fairy Godmother actually, but let's take look at the list of possibles."

Jesse growned, the smirk disappearing from his face. "No no no no... Giles it's alternate dimensions!! We're meant to study partical theory and flux capacitors and stuff... not more demon books."

Jesse turned to Cordelia. "Does he make us all read the boring books in your dimension too?"

End chapter three