Fic: What The Hell(mouth) Happened?

Author: mkcrl120

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this story belong to Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy or some other people. I own nothing and wrote this just to get it out of my system.

Summary: I'm writing some of these, as I've come up with ideas that I honestly don't know what I'll be doing when the Ultimate series gets that far. In the meantime, these won't go away from my brain unless I do something with them. Warning: It may be a standalone it may be spoilers for something later; only time will tell.

Rating: 15 by English standards (mainly for language)

Setting: Season 3 - I think you'll recognise when.

What The Hell(mouth) Happened? - 4/?

'Now that's a difficult question.' Cordelia thought to herself. 'What the hell do I say to that?'

Luckily, Giles had either thought the question was rude or rhetorical; opening some books and handing them around he sat down and began the line of questioning. "So, this Fairy Godmother... can you describe her?"

Cordelia tried to think of any distinguishing features. "Well I guess, she looked like a normal girl." She replied, looking over Giles's shoulder at the book he was reading. As Giles flicked through the pages, she noticed sketches of a variety of creatures on each page.

"Not that helpful." Faith cattily responded. "Normal girl, eh? Whoo big wows."

"Faith," Giles warned her. "So it was either a human with great power, or was a creature that had the ability to take on human form..?"

"I guess."

"Hmmm..." Giles looked deep in thought. He took the book Xander was pretending to read, and passed it down the other end of the table. Giving Xander another from the untouched pile, he instructed them all to double check if any of the creatures had shape changing ability. He glanced at what Jesse was reading and ordered him and Willow to swap books.

"Hey... what's that for?" Jesse whinged.

"I'm not overly familiar with the edition you were reading." Giles said in a tone that suggested that explained everything.

"You saying I'm untrustworthy?"

"The last species you read about, what characteristics did that show that were in common with Miss Chase's description?"

"Ermmmm... pass."

Giles gave him a look. Jesse handed his book to Willow who smiled at him. "It's okay sweetie, I find your lack of concentration endearing."

"Thanks babe. That's good to know..." Jesse paused to ponder the comment. "That is good to know, right?"

Xander and Faith both shrugged at him; Xander mouthed, 'Just go with it.' while he did so.

Giles closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Cordelia grinned at the antics, "Glad not everything has changed then."

"There have been changes?" Willow asked eagerly.

"Ooohhh... like major parallel universe type changes."

"Like what?" Giles asked.

Xander was the first to respond, "You know like the whole town gets ruled by Biff Tanner, or a robot gets sent back to stop John Connor from being born.... no wait... that didn't actually cause a different universe..."

Jesse added, "That's the other rule of time travel... the time doesn't change... no... the no consequences theo... that's not right, that's Groundhog Day... wait, the time heals itself... the Timeline-Healy rule." Jesse ended proudly.

"And thank you both for the amusing commentary... but I was actually asking Miss Chase what the differences were." Giles admonished the pair, while the two Slayers giggled and Willow gently patted Jesse's head.

"We don't know what they are..." Xander informed him.

Faith felt she was missing out on a good old game of wind-up-the-watcher. "Yeah... How are we supposed to guess them? Twenty questions or some shit..?"

"Well we could just wait til she tells us." Giles held his hand out to stop further irrelevant discussion, once confident they would be silent, he used that hand to indicate Cordelia should continue.

Cordelia looked around at everyone's faces, her eyes unable to stop resting on Jesse, reluctantly she began to answer. "Well... Xander and Buffy know the basics; I was with Xander, Buffy was with Angel, Willo..."

"Angel... who is Angel?" Faith asked.

"What do you mean, who is Angel?" Cordelia responded, glad to have changed topic slightly.

"Which words don't you get in that head of yours? Who. Is. Angel?" Faith was beginning to lose her temper with the interluder to their midst. On some levels she knew this wasn't their Cordelia, it was obvious by how she was patiently sitting there, and not complaining about being seen with them; but on others, she looked the same, and occasionally recognisable aspects of her personality came out.

"I'd like to know that too." Xander said.

"I'm a bit confused myself... and according to you, it was me that was dating him." Buffy added. "I mean, we only knew one Angel and he mainly hung around with Giles, trying to..." She paused for a few seconds, before remembering that this Cordelia knew about the supernatural world. "Well, trying to help us combat evil." She finished with a shrug.

"That's the one." Cordelia quickly responded.

"You sure?" Willow was shocked.

"Tall, dark hair, pale complexion... basically a big souled vampire puppy dog... til he went nasty that is."

"Wait... this Angel was a vampire?" Faith asked.

"You dated a vampire!!!" Xander turned to Buffy... and suddenly started coughing.

"You okay..?" Buffy asked concerned.

Xander managed to bring himself under control, the coughing fit had been caused by him laughing too hard.

Once Buffy realised that, her sympathy was gone. Hitting him in the back reasonably hard, "For your cough... dear."

"Sorry Buff... but you dated a vampire."

"You dated Cordelia."

"You strike me down." Xander feigned an injury to his heart.

"I can't believe you picked Cordelia over me."

"I am here you know."

"You picked a vampire... an actual corpse over me."

"That is a shocker..." Buffy turned to Cordelia. "Okay... cattiness aside... why the hell was I dating a vampire? It doesn't make sense, I mean, even if you had bagged Xander before me... why do I turn to a corpse as the next choice..?"

Faith couldn't resist, "Hey... I've been with some guys I would consider cold and distant... but B... the undead?"

"What do you mean.... I bagged Xander before you?"

"Well I take it Xander wasn't available... I mean you had known him years before I moved here... I did still move here right?"

Willow was quick to confirm her fears, "You must have, she knew who you were seeing remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"Xander followed you around like a puppy... but you only had eyes for Angel."

"See... I still had taste." Xander commented, then quickly turned to Cordelia. "No offence meant."

Buffy was even more confused, "Your boyfriend followed me around and you didn't mind... and I didn't take him off you?"

There was never a chance that Cordelia would ever have admitted her worry about Buffy stealing Xander off her, aloud for anyone to hear, whether they knew her or not. So she quickly sidestepped the subject. "He wasn't my boyfriend at the time..." She said, only stretching the truth lightly.

"Whose was he?"

"No one's... he was quite the loser though."

"See sweetie... it's not my fault I didn't date you... you were a loser." Buffy patted him on the arm in mock sympathy.

"You still picked a corpse over me... that's a pretty big leap into loserdom itself..." Turning to Cordelia, "And you dated me... so ha to the loser status..."

"It was all the danger and saving people that attracted me to you."

"Pardon..."

"The danger... you know... you're helping Buffy... rescuing people... duh."

"I do that now."

"I never said you didn't."

"But you... the other you... still thinks I'm a loser... hell, you think we're all losers. And we've all saved you at some point." Xander argued their case.

"I'm not her... or I am kinda... I don't know... In my reality you kept getting me involved occasionally, did you do that here? To start with it was mainly when you needed a spare car. And I was always getting paired with Xander." She told the rest of the group.

Jesse was confused. "Another car..? I mean Faith needed a lift once and you helped out... probably cos she had just rescued you and Scott from a vampire attack... but you refused to talk to her again... I normally drive, and Xander's got a car now... and there's always Giles's rustbucket to fall back on."

"Ahhhh..." Cordelia said, realising what had happened, quickly requiring another distraction she headed back to the original topic. "Anyway, Buffy and Angel had this major love fest going on..." At their looks she corrected herself, "Love Story... like Fairytale-like love story. A Slayer and her vampire and all that..."

"That's the best thing I've heard in ages..." Faith was prodding Buffy in the ribs. "Ahhhh... did you have a little vampy wampy of you own."

"Shut up. So in summary... Xander was a loser and I fell for a vampire."

"Can everyone just stop accepting the fact that I was loser quite so easily."

"Soz hon... actually, how much of a loser did he have to be, for me to choose a corpse?"

Cordy didn't need much time to construct her mental list. "He wore tacky unco-ordinated clothes. Had a stupid sense of humour, always said the wrong thing and rubbed the wrong people up the wrong way."

Xander was about to say something about her being lucky, when he saw the look on her face. "What..?"

"That's pretty much how you were when I met you."

"Jeez thanks babe."

Cordelia turned to Buffy, "Don't worry about him... apart from the danger aspect, I fell for virtually the same person."

Xander turned to Jesse for advice. "I don't know whether to be happy or offended."

Jesse clasped his shoulder in a strong grip. "Think about it... are, or are they not, both total hotties..?"

"Like that... works for me..." Xander thanked him.

"So what about the rest of us?" Willow asked curious. "How else does it differ?"

Cordelia thought about this one some more. "You're dating Oz, and cheating with Xander... Faith doesn't go to school... mine, Xander's and Buffy's love lives I've already mentioned... my old friends no longer talk to me..."

"So who do I get in bizarro world?" Jesse asked.

"So it's mainly superficial things." Giles concluded, ignoring the question.

"Okay... time out..." Faith put her hands into a T shape. "Just to play devil's advocate... how do you know that we aren't all playing a gag on you..? You know, you actually being friends with us in your reality."

Cordelia swallowed hard. And stared directly at Jesse. "You did notice how I didn't list what you were doing?" At his nod she continued, "Before I say it, remember this isn't you okay..?" She tried as tactfully as she could, providing some proof to the others that this wasn't their Cordelia. "You didn't survive this far."

End chapter four