Bluferret: This chapter took me forever to write...and I think it's the worst yet, do you? Let me know sil vous plait!
PS I had to replace bar seperators for my own tildas...Once againfanfics editing system's freezing my computer...WAAHHH!
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Do I even have anyone who cares?
No I don't.
I realized that today.
It's true, that old saying.
You learn something new everyday.
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In my very, verysmall clique Georgia hates Kirsten.
Everyone hates Kirsten.
But we are too nice to throw her out in the cold.
She's a know-it-all, goody two shoes.
Im not saying that's bad, but then, she complains, A LOT!
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She complains about managing prefect duties.
Look who's head girl!
She complains about her stomach problems and twelve medications.
Look who's diabetic!
She complains about her mother.
Look who doesn't have one!
I don't say that though.
Then i'll look like her, just asking for pity.
She's not even asking, she's pleading.
I really do hate her.
We all do.
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Georgia can trash talk Kirsten one second .
Yet, she talks and laughs with her as if she's her best friend the next.
I dont get it, really I dont.
She confuses me so damn much.
It's not logical, to hang with someone you hate.
Plus she ignores me when Kirsten's there.
Either she hates me or doesn't hate Kirsten as musc as she says.
I dont know anymore.
It seems as if I dont know anything.
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It's all wrong.
When one imagines thier life they see friends.
Friends you can trust.
They see a home.
A happy home.
They see fun times.
Parties celebrations, all of it.
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When I imagine my life I see nothing.
I see a cold black empty void.
And it scares me.
It scares me so damn much.
I want my life to go somewhere.
I just don't know how to get there.
I dont even what life's worth living for.
I never did.
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When I was younger I imagined life as all fun and games.
I was wrong.
All I see now is pain.
Deep neverending pain.
All work and no play.
We work to live.
To buy food and necessities, then we blow all the extra on holidays.
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Sad really, how truly disturbing our lives are.
I think of this place as hell.
I think of parties and celebrations, peace and love as a utopia.
As heaven.
But what do I know. Life has never thrown a piece of heaven at me.
Not properly anyway.
Not without booze and drugs.
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I want the parties like I used to have.
With the cake and games, movies and sleeping bags.
That's all I want.
Even for one time.
Is that to much to ask?
I know it is.
I can live without it, so I am.
If I couldn't live without it I would have it.
But I can, so I wont.
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Those kinds of things are for others.
For those with dreams and aspirations.
For those with hope.
For those who actually have a chance.
A stab at true life.
Those who can actually brave the evils of this world and still come out the way they went in.
Those who have what it takes.
Those who aren't me.
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I could never do that.
I am weak and I am helpless.
All these years of living, as young as I am, have beat down upon me.
Grinding me down to nothing, to no one.
It's as if I no longer am.
I've seen more then one should ever wish to see in a lifetime.
All in sixteen short years.
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I wonder, when i'm dead will I learn to cherish my life?
I wonder, will I learn before then?
Is life even worth cherishing?
Am I taking my life for granted.
Could it be something more, yet I'm too blind to see it.
I don't know, I wish someone would tell me.
Any day now...
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They say that 95 percent of families are dysfuctional.
I dont really care.
It all depends on the kind of dysfunctional.
One mental family member, big whoop.
A divorce and two new marriages, big whoop.
An abusive parent, big whoop.
A pregnent sibling at 15, big whoop.
The true dysfunctional is when you have multiple mixes, problems, issues between multiple members.
I wouldn't know though, since i've lived with the latter all my life and have never dealt with a single issue at a time.
You can call me a pity-pleading freak now, thank you.
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I ponder all the people that go to Hogwarts and I wonder, what are their family problems?
What could they possibly be?
Are they like mine?
Are they worse?
Does anyone in Hogwarts have a perfect life?
I've got a feeling that I know one.
James Potter.
Just a guess though, I may be wrong.
I really don't care though, he'd still be the same to me.
Arogant arsehole Potter, my pet name for him.
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I know my life isn't as bad as I think it is.
I know that.
But, it's hard to remember that.
It's hard to refrain myself from wondering.
Why is my life this way?
Why?
Is it my karma?
Probably, but why punish me.
I don't even remember what I did.
Who does?
Oh right, I nearly forgot.
I'm here to be the scapegoat, lucky me.
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