Bluferret: Short chapter I know. Tell me again please! Tell me if you like the new format!

Tragic Love

The true beginning of pain

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I don't know where to go from here.
I feel so lost.
So off track.
Everything is a blur.
School.
Friends.
Life.
A blur.
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I feel like as if nothing is in my control.
I feel powerless.
I have no say in my life it seems.
I'm not going to try and control my weight.
I've been there before.
It's not fun.
In my opinion it is the most painful form of suicide.
My opinion doesn't matter much though.
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I feel as if I am going in circles. Retracing my steps a thousand times over.
Round and round I go.
Routine is what it seems.
Will it ever change?
Could I ever change it?
Will someone else ever change it?
Sometimes I wonder.
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What is it like to be in love?
Does it hurt?
Is it the greatest gift you could be given?
Is it happy?
I feel as if I have never been happy.
As if all my happy memories have run dry.
A moat has been planted around my castle.
My castle of memories.
Theyre stored away in the highest room.
In the dustiest corner.
Waiting.
Waiting to be renewed.
I can't even remember if i've ever felt love.
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I feel so sad.
I feel as if no one remembers who I was.
In first year I was a happy child.
I was an outgoing child.
Does anyone notice the absence of my laugh?
Does anayone notice the absence of my very voice?
I feel as if I barely know anyone anymore.
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All strangers they seem to me.
Puppets disguised as my friends.
I see all of them as one.
One giant puppet.
They all seem the same.
I can't pick out thier differences.
Do they have any?
Im beginning to think that i'm surrounded by clones.
Ditzy clones.
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I feel as if I am the only one with pain.
I know i'm not.
I know there are others.
But where are they?
I've been observing.
Trying to find others like me.
Others who yearn for something to live for.
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I feel as if I am bieng to self piteous.
I probably am.
I just wanted you to know who I really was.
Before.
Before I became the person I died as.
No matter who you start out as.
You can always choose who you later become.
In time I've learned this.
But will I stick to it?
In the end will it matter?
Will it matter if I bacome someone else?
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I feel as if I have no real life.
As if I am watching from the outside in.
My life is a window.
I am the observer clearing away the frost.
Clearing away the dust.
Opening the door to my forgotten memories.
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Back to the present.
Also known as high up in the sky.
Also known as the after life.
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Perhaps I wanted to forget.
Perhaps time just does it to the dead.
I don't know.
But I still feel the pain I felt then.
It's just as strong.
The dark times are over for me.
I was lifted up.
I fell in love.
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Yet, I stiil know the pain I endured before.
Before I had someone who truly cared.
Others feel the same pain.
The pain I am sharing with you.
I wish to let is all out.
I haven't even told my lover any of this.
He does not know of my past.
Not all of it anyway.
In time he will know.
But for now all he needs is to know that i've changed.
For now that is enough for him.
But I know it is not enough for you.
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So although it hurts.
More then any pain I have ever known.
Even more then death.
I will tell you.
How it came to be.
How I bacame in my own way a savior.
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I've told you the easy part up untill now.
Now it gets deeper.
It gets darker.
It gets colder.
Now I tell you the gruesome truth.
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A girl's life.
A girl without hope.
A girl without love.
A broken girl with no dreams.
A girl with nothing to live for.
The girl I was before James Potter.
Before I even realized he cared.
There's an after too.
But I think you may already know it.
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The true hardcore beginning stars now.
Are you ready to share my pain?