Fic: What The Hell(mouth) Happened?
Author: mkcrl120
Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this story belong to Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy or some other people. I own nothing and wrote this just to get it out of my system.
Summary: I'm writing some of these, as I've come up with ideas that I honestly don't know what I'll be doing when the Ultimate series gets that far. In the meantime, these won't go away from my brain unless I do something with them. Warning: It may be a standalone it may be spoilers for something later; only time will tell.
Rating: 15 probably... mainly for language.
Setting: Season 3 - I think you'll recognise when.
What The Hell(mouth) Happened - 16/?
Later That Night.
Sunnydale Cemetary.
Buffy tried to hide her grin as Xander began whinging again.
"I can't believe I got dragged out on patrol... I had my evening all planned. It was going to make fun of Faith and then spend the night with my girl... I mean, as plans go it wasn't much... but I liked it, I was hoping you would too." He tried, looking at her with big innocent eyes.
"It's not my fault mom came home early." She explained. "Her friend wasn't feeling well."
"Damn Pat and her lightweight constitution... I mean what sort of woman lets her best friend down due to a cold?"
"We were going to have to patrol anyway... I gave Faith the night off." Buffy reminded him.
"Yes, but... but... your mom wasn't due back for another couple of hours, that left plenty of time for you to try and persuade me to join you."
Buffy pretended to look hurt. "You didn't want to join me on patrol?"
"I prefer the persuasion part of the deal." Xander responded, winking in her direction he added. "You look so cute when you pout, and then when you have to pull out the big guns..." He leered suggestively.
"We're not doing anything in a cemetary." She informed him in a serious tone.
"So no exhibitionist qualities then?" Xander sighed to himself.
Buffy leaned in closer to whisper in his ear. "I wouldn't say that... but I know our luck, that would be the exact point we stumble across some vampires."
"Yeah..." he sighed dramatically. "Talk about getting caught with your pants down."
She giggled as they continued to make their way across the cemetary.
She linked arms with him just as he looked at his watch. "The Bronze has shut now."
"So..?" She asked, confusion on her face.
Xander turned to face her, trying to discover if she really didn't know or if she did and she'd done this on purpose.
Buffy continued to stare back, wide-eyed expression making it abundantly clear that she had no idea what he was talking about.
"That means Faith will be home soon... and we won't be there to make fu... see how it went."
She grinned and playfully slapped his arm. "I was hoping to get chance to talk to her before you did. Then I'll tell you if its okay to make fun."
"No deal baby... next time I see her, it's on!!"
Buffy raised her eyebrows, "And what makes you think I'll let you get away with that."
"Oh no... see at this point, you owe me. I'm patrolling and we didn't get to lose that pre-patrol tension. I'm doing you a favour..."
"I have to really bribe you to get you to patrol with me?" She asked a little hurt.
"Well no... you know I love spending time with you, it's just..." He paused, contemplating what to say next. "Okay, this is better... Faith owes me the favour. As we're out patrolling so that she can pick up guys with her new best friend. So it's obvious that I get to say whatever I want to her next time I see her."
Buffy was silent for a few seconds while she thought about it. "But Faith will be covering for us tomorrow night. So in reality we're square."
Xander sighed, realising he was beaten, he was just about to give in when he tried one last attempt. "Okay... patrolling is off the favour list." Buffy smiled, thinking she'd won. "But..." He quickly added, instantly removing the smile from her face. "But... patrolling is part of the Slayer schedule that I agree with. So I have no problem helping out in that capacity."
"And..?" She asked, unsure why he was being so confident.
"Well, the after-patrol report meeting... personally I don't agree with that as it's unnecessarily boring. I'll wait outside in the car while you finish it up with the Watchers."
She looked shocked, "You've got to come in with me... I can't face them on my own."
"Oh no Buffy, I think you'll find I disagree. While helping ensure my girlfriend stays alive and fights back the forces of darkness is part of the normal boyfriend ritual."
"Normal ritual..?"
"A normal part of being the Slayer's boyfriend ritual then." He amended. "The grilling by Watcher's lies solely in the Slayer's hands. I've helped save the world and keep the hellmouth safe from nasty vampires... my role is done. Us non-destined people have to draw the line somewhere." He finished dramatically.
"You're really going to abandon me to face the vultures alone?" She asked.
"Yep." He replied, smirking he quickly added. "Unless."
"Unless what..?"
"Unless you agree that both you and Faith owe me favours for such additional work. It's like a bonus scheme."
"Fine..." Buffy conceded reluctantly. "But you have to make it less boring... or answer questions or something. Sitting there and watching me get the how-many-vamps questionnaire is not counted as helping."
"Deal." He added, smiling at her. "And I get to criticise Faith all I want."
"Sure." Buffy thought, deciding to give her sister Slayer the heads-up before he saw her tomorrow.
"So how much longer?" Xander asked, as they approached the exit to the cemetary.
"Just under an hour," she answered. "Figured we'd go through the town once again, then do a final walk through RestfieldCemetary." Staring at his inane grin she asked. "What's up with you?"
"Didn't think I'd ever win... I am so the man."
"Don't get used to the feeling... won't be happening often." Buffy grumbled, leading him in the direction of the town centre.
Giles Place.
Jenny Calendar was in the kitchen talking quietly on the phone. "So there is a chance he could be somewhere right now." She responded, listening to the voice on the other end for a few more seconds.
"I don't know." She added. "I got the story from... well it's not important where I got it from. Can you just look into the possibility of somehow locati..."
Reaching into the fridge she pulled out the milk. "I know it doesn't mea..." She continued to pour the milk into three cups. "Well considering this is where it happened, I'd say this was the most likely pla..."
The kettle clicked itself off, having boiled. She poured the water into three cups and started stirring. "Anyway, the only people he knows are here... if he does return this is the most likely spot to return to. No matter where he appears." She stopped stirring and listened for a few more seconds. "Fine. I'll wait to hear from you then." She informed the person on the other end, then hung up.
Carrying the three cups into the main room, she put them on the table and then stared at them for a few seconds. Shaking her inner thoughts off, she informed the rest of the room. "Right, this one should have two sugars," She said passing it to Xander, "And both these are the same." She mentioned to Buffy. Buffy took one of the cups and Jenny sat down with the other.
"You two sure you don't want anything?" She asked the other occupants of the room.
"No thanks sweetie." Giles answered.
"I'll pass on the coffee thanks." Gwendolyn Post commented, managing to put as much disdain into the word coffee as she could. "Americans." She mumbled under her breath.
"And proud of it." Xander whispered into Buffy's ear.
"I thought I heard voices." Giles asked, turning to Jenny who'd sat next to him on the sofa.
"Just had to call my uncle." Jenny informed him.
"As interesting as I'm sure the Calendar family might be," Ms Post stated condescendingly. "Could we please get back to the point where you explain why we appear to be a Slayer missing from this meeting."
Buffy gave her a glare before responding. "Faith took tonight off. Xander covered for her."
"And you think this shirking of her duty is acceptable?" Ms Post added.
"Well considering she's covering me tomorrow I think it's okay." Buffy added, feeling Xander's hand on her arm trying to get her to calm down.
"Really," Ms Post added, looking towards Giles. "And you promote this kind of behaviour?"
"I say." Giles added, not wanting to get into such a discussion with Buffy and Xander present.
"I don't believe that the Slayers should just take time off as and when they feel like it. At the very least they should be clearing it with us first."
"Well, luckily for me." Buffy added sarcastically. "You're not my Watcher. So I won't be present for tomorrow's meeting, and there's nothing you can do about it. So you can mark me absent for that already."
Xander managed to attract her attention by touching her knee. When she turned to face him, he raised his eyebrows and indicated Ms Post with his eyes.
Realising his intention Buffy quickly added. "And if you take my attitude out on Faith then... well, there's bound to be some sort of official complaints procedure where Slayer's can request another Watcher right?" She added, looking at Giles for confirmation.
Giles coughed to buy some time. But maintained eye-contact with Buffy. The message quite clear, they weren't going to discuss this now.
"I don't need to use yourself as an example of Faith shirking her responsibilities. I've got plenty of material from her own attitude." Gwendolyn added, ignoring the rather obvious signals that were being passed around the group. "And as for the Watcher's Council replacing the field watchers, I'll think you find that more Slayers have been replaced over the years than..."
"Is that a threat?" Buffy asked standing up.
"Let's just say that the council has..."
"Enough!" Giles stated loudly, giving Ms Post one of the most serious stares he could, indicating that he knew where this line of argument was going, and wouldn't allow for it.
"Idiot." Ms Post mumbled under her breath, but not loud enough for Giles to hear.
Meanwhile, Xander had to forcibly drag Buffy back into her chair. "She like this all the time?" He whispered into her ear.
She leant closer to Xander. "Yeah... well, after tonight you're officially allowed to tease Faith all you want."
"Sure you won't get jealous?" He asked, trying to lighten her mood while wrapping his arm around her and pulling her onto his lap.
Gwendolyn looked on, making tutting noises. Buffy could feel the stare at the back of her neck.
"So..." Jenny began, hoping to calm everyone down. "How many vampires did you get tonight?"
"Not many." Xander answered immediately.
Buffy jumped in before Ms Post got any chance to comment, "Three. And one of them was in town."
"Hmmm." Giles thought aloud. "So whoever was seemingly recruiting a few days ago, might have stopped..?"
"Or we're waiting for the next batch to rise." Xander commented. Buffy looking on approvingly.
"You sure you didn't just miss them?" Ms Post asked, not at all confident in a Slayer who went patrolling with her boyfriend. "You might have been distracted by..." She drifted off, indicating Xander.
"Bitch." Xander whispered into Buffy's ear as she responded.
"We covered all the cemetaries at least once. We only found once disturbed grave, and as we killed three I'd say we were up for the night."
"Up..? You actually consider staking more va..." Ms Post began.
Giles quickly cut her off. "So was there anything else of note, or shall we end this meeting for tonight."
Ms Post glared at him, but changed topic. "Has there been any progress in the search of the Glove of Myhnegon?"
Buffy was about to respond, but found Xander quickly whispering in her ear. "Her hymen's gone? Now that I don't believe. Who'd go near her... even for a bet?"
Buffy giggled despite her remaining anger.
"Hey, don't laugh." Xander continued determined to calm her down so that they could just get out of here. "We know where your hymen went."
She slapped him playfully on his arm, her complete attention on what he was whispering in her ear. "Xander the Slayer hymen-breaker, that's me..." Then he saw the look on her face. "Well, yours anyway... I didn't go near the other two... I promise." He added, holding two fingers up in the boyscout pose.
She leaned in closer to respond. "Firstly, you told me you and Jesse got kicked out of the cubs on your second day cos you accidently started a fire. And secondly, one out of three does not make you deserving of such a title."
"Okay... well I take you arguments and inform you I'm sure that you're supposed to get a medal for being able to start a fire, and as for the other thing, I'll have you know that thirty three percent is more than I've scored in some tests... anyway, Faith lost her virginity before she became a Slayer and we're not even sure if Kendra..." He drifted off sadly.
"Yeah." She answered back. Deciding to stick on lighter topics, she continued to wind him up. "You get medals for starting fires if done in a campsite style setting... inside the scout hut is technically arson and that's what you got thrown out for."
"So you're not arguing the Slayer Hymen Remover title... as Faith wasn't a Slayer at the time, it was a regluar hymen - therefore upping my score to fifty percent of possible Slayers I've met, a score that's sounding more like my regular tests... and as Kendra was an unknown... I rest my score at between fifty and one hundred percent... and I can't believe we're discussing this."
"We... no sweetie, this discussion is your own little sick mind at work... I'm not involved."
"You said..."
"Not involved." She stated firmly, turning back to face the others.
"Well..?" Ms Post said impatiently.
"Well what?" Xander asked, first to admit he had no idea what they wanted from them.
"The Glove of Mhynegon."
"What about it?" Xander asked again.
Gwendolyn leaned forward, eager to hear more. "I take it from your private discussion that you've had some success in locating it."
"Ermmm... no." Xander answered looking to Buffy for support.
Luckily Buffy had been paying more attention than him, "We had a lead... from Willy The Snitch." She added quickly, squeezing Xander's leg to stop the question that she knew he would ask. "Who we went to see prior to going on patrol... before he opened. Not that it was shut... just not very busy." Seeing the looks on the others faces, she continued adlibbing the story. "He gave us the names of some crypts to check out... word on the street and all that. But they all came out empty... glove-less the lot of them." She finished desperately.
Giles rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen offering to make a cup of tea. Jenny simply smiled at them.
Ms Post was too engrossed to notice the signs and sighed. "Okay, well... good. Keep an eye out... we need to get that Glove before anyone else does."
"Sure thing..." Xander agreed, standing up and yawning over-dramatically he added. "And I'm beat... if there's nothing else, I'll go home and crash. You coming Buff?" He asked as he started walking to the door.
"Yep." She answered standing up. "Going to get a lift with Xander... see you tomorrow Giles." She said, as she passed the counter that connected to his kitchen.
"Yes... Goodnight. I'll see you both tomorrow night." He called after them.
"No you won't." she reminded him as she closed the door behind them.
Xander turned to her as they approached the car, "So is it always like that?"
"Yeah..." Buffy sighed, "You should go more often... it's a hoot, really."
"I go the ones at the library." He informed her, sticking the keys in the lock to unlock the doors.
Buffy opened the door and climbed in the passenger side. "Ms Post doesn't go those."
"And that's why being a Scooby is so much more rewarding than being a Slayer... though the powers thing could be cool." He answered as he started the engine.
"I can't believe I have to go to both... it's so unfair."
"Well... that's destiny for you."
"Yeah..." she added sadly. "Destiny... destined to die early... lots of fun there."
"Hey, no thinking like that. Your number already came up remember... it was prophecised... luckily for you, you have a handsome boyfriend who is completely destiny-free... able to thwart other people's destinies simply cos no-one planned on him doing anything with his life." He said as he pulled off away where he was parked.
"If I can't be down on myself neither can you." She commented.
"I'd like to say for the record that I have no problem with you being down on me."
"Perv." She said, facing away so he wouldn't see her eyes light up.
"You're the one dating me... see that's a choice... my problem is purely genetic, it was out of my hands... tho it could be in yo..."
"Stop it." She asked, taking on a more serious tone. "Let's say I agree and that I cheated my fate... what about Faith?"
"Hey I'm still here... and I've got it on good authority that Jesse, Willow and Cordy are all destiny free too... couldn't string a comment in any of Giles's books if we'd bribed the prophet. With us around who knows what you two might achieve?"
"Guess, it is better to look on the bright side." She said, as he continued to drive her home.
End chapter sixteen