Admiration Chapter 2: Autumn, a yu-gi-oh fanfic

Admiration

Warnings/Notes: Shounen-ai implications. Yami's POV. 5 hours, new record.

suicide-greeting Haha. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing!

Pysche Truthfully… I was leaving it as a one-shot. But seeing as though you want me to continue, I might as well, haha. :Sweatdrop:

Kimmy Nagasaki:Queen of Games Thanks! Tehe, yes it is full of fluffiness indeed… in a sort of malicious way. XD;;

Alexa.G There wasn't suppose to be other chapters… :Sweatdrop: but I'll try to have a plot and continue this… er… as long as I can continue it… :sighs: Thanks though! I'll update and update so you can review and review… bwuahahahaha. Cough.

There wasn't suppose to be other chapters… :Sweatdrop: but I'll try to have a plot and continue this… er… as long as I continue it… :sighs: Thanks though! I'll update and update so you can review and review… bwuahahahaha. Cough.
Please review and thank you to all who have so far!

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It was so cold… I shut my eyes tightly closed, curling into a fetal position; your arms still loose around my waist where you had and will always leave them. To remind me that I was yours, to let me know, heart achingly enough, that I could never escape your grasp so easily, to let me always know you were there… I was cold…

I squirmed in my position, unconsciously rubbing against your chest, an involuntary movement in order to seek warmth from someone. I was sub-consciously aware of your arms tightening their hold on me, your hair now tickling my cheek as your head fell-ever so lightly- on my shoulder; your breath mingling with my own as I tilt my head upwards to gaze at your fair face, in a state of gratification. Yet, even though, so close I was to you, I was still just so cold.

Doushite??

I squirmed to turn to my other side, my chest now against your chest; your hair falling in my face as I shift to bury my face in the silky silver mass you so casually call hair. Yet, still…

"I'm so cold…" I breathed out to myself, shifting even more to press against your body in desperate need of warmth of any kind, "why am I still so… cold…?"

Doushite??

I needed the warmth that I felt radiate from your body, and I received it, I did. Yet… yet… why was I so cold?! Heat rose to my face and hot wetness traveled down from closed eyes; your hair now damp with salty tears I realized too late were coming from me. Was I that depressed and gloomy? That just because you could make me hot and mew like a cat, whimpering under your touches; you couldn't make me warm from love and care?

I bit down on my lower lip, pushing away the now damp hair that clung to your wet neck, I murmured quietly and softly to you in your now exposed ear, "Why am I cold, Bakura…? I thought you loved me… isn't that the reason why I came to you, seeking love and comfort? Yet, why, why Bakura, why am I still so cold…? Even if receiving your body, did I receive your love with it? Didn't you always tell me you gave your heart to me? Didn't that mean you loved… me…?"

Maybe it's not love, maybe I just admire him. Even so, my heart belongs to him.

The words came back to me, so clearly they did. I heard my own voice, full of sincere and pain, speaking in my mind, to remind me that I did not even love you. Why did I always keep you like this? Didn't you feel… hurt? To be used by me, only for pleasure and using your "love" to always bring you back to me? You knew that for long I would throw you away, but you also knew that I would never. For in me, was where your heart laid, and even if I did not enjoy that persisting thought, we were connected by a thin string. The thin string… thin… a thin line between love and hatred…? A thread waiting to be cut, yet so strong it will just bend and come back again to its original form? So thin… the connection, but so strong that the thread would be pulling me towards you even more by the second? More and more closer… until I could feel you breathe when I breathe, blink when I blink, because we'll be one and the same.

I shiver lightly and you stir--just a bit. Just a bit to make me jump off the bed and back away from where you now laid still, lazily blinking open hazy faded eyes. "Yami…?"

Luckily still having part of the blanket wrapped around my thin waist, I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I should have, falling to my knees in bare nakedness. I stare into your eyes for a long time as a chill blew through the slightly open window signaling an early Autumn.

You knew how much I loved Autumn… ne? Didn't I always tell you, on our quiet and peaceful strides down the Domino Sakura Park, that I use to just sit on the bench in that very park, just gazing up at the trees, watching lazily without a care in the world the leaves falling gently to the ground and brushing against my nose and lifting all my troubles away while they flew down to greet and thank me for watching their beauty? Didn't I?

"Bakura… let's go to the park, okay?" I suggest with a small voice, quiet as a shy, emotionless child.

After a couple of moments of you trying to read through my eyes and the expression of a thin line plastered on my face, you nod slowly, hesitantly agreeing. I saw the hesitation, and I knew you suspected something after I saw you look away from my face, standing up slowly and heading towards the bathroom in which we shared.

Every morning, didn't you always smile at me and say in a quiet voice "Ohayo"? Didn't you always tilt your head and peck me on my forehead? And if you woke up first, which was rare, watch me sleep until I snap my eyes open and you would just tell me you were watching me sleep, without me questioning anything?

Bakura… can you feel my pain??

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"I know we didn't come here just so that we can see the last sakura blossoms fall to their dreadful end; is something wrong?," would've been pleasant to here from you, yet you just walk beside me, staring ahead at nothing in particular, waiting for me to speak up first. You were always the dominant one in our… what can I say? Relationship? I couldn't say love affair, there was no love in the numerous of times we slept together. Maybe from you… but wasn't that why we were here? Yes, yes… I wanted to know if you loved me. I wonder, did I love Seto, just because I gave my heart to him? Is giving your heart to someone, indicating that you love them? I wonder… I wonder…

Giving a sigh, I was about to speak, but there you went again. Surprising me once again, but I always knew, somehow, I always knew, that you were full of surprises.

"Autumn… You love Autumn…" I realized you were speaking to yourself, and I soon found myself smiling fondly at your thoughtful expression while you tried to remember what I loved about Autumn so much.

"The colors of the leaves," I answered for him, still with that fond smile on my face. You blink at me in surprise, and I'm glad the tension between us that formed this morning had dispersed.

Soon, we reached upon my favorite spot in Sakura Park, right under the huge Sakura tree that never had its Sakuras fallen, the beauty of it lasting forever. We sat down quietly next to each other, leaning our backs on the huge trunk at the base of the tree, sighing at the peace Autumn brought. Then, I went serious, and I got you to know this by turning to face you, my face impassive. You sigh quietly, and looked upon me with the same expression as mine, if you can call it an expression. Your face mirroring my own. "Do you love me…?" the question came out so casually, so carelessly, it looked as if hurt flashed across your eyes. I knew you probably thought of this question as a light one, but you knew me too well, as you soon turned into, once again, an impassive form. I never took matters of love so lightly, and I still don't.

You answer without falter, your voice so quiet and like silk that it moved along with the oncoming gentle breeze that blew by occasionally. "Hai… I love you, Yami."

Anyone would've been happy to hear those words come out from such a beautiful man, but I wasn't. I was hurt, hurt so badly it stung my heart causing my chest to feel ever so heavier; my breathing coming out in small pants. Yet… all I did there was flinch as hurt expressed fully in my eyes. I guess you were taken aback, but you knew as well as I, that I did not want you to love me.

"Then why, Bakura?"

A flash of confusion crosses your flawless features. "Why what?"

I took a sharp intake of breath, confusion also spilled on my face, "Why, when you held me last night, did I feel co cold?"

There a breeze passed by again.

"My heart…" you replied slowly and carefully, "belongs to you. Yet… my love… I have, but have yet to express it towards you."

"Why won't you start now?"

You look straight into my eyes, almost as if a bit angered by me. "Why won't you love me?"

I looked away and muttered under my breath, but made sure you heard it. "If I said I loved you… I would be hurting you and myself; I don't want that… I'd just be lying to myself and to you; I'll just be pretending."

You shift closer to me, tilting my face towards yours, our noses touching as you smile in pain and in faint happiness. "Then pretend, Yami. Pretend for me."

At that moment, with the close proximity of our bodies, I felt the heat radiate off your body once more, and when this time I shifted closer to you, for you to hold me again, and when you asked in a low quiet voice, "Are you cold?"

I just smiled and shook "no", because… "I think I'm starting to fall in love with you."

You'd just smile back at me and breathe out, "I'm glad," and we'd watch the leaves fall and the blossom petals flutter to the ground while brushing against our noses and cheeks and dancing in the air.

I'm glad too… I thought silently, because I loved someone, who gave their heart and loved me back.

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show me you love me
when I'm cold will you hold me?
even when I give my heart to you,
it doesn't mean I love you
will you take my hand and kiss me
with all meaningless words whispering?
even when you say "I love you"
it doesn't mean I feel the same
love hurts so much cause I
can never get enough of you
just letting you touch me too
is all the love I need to know
why won't you love me too
when I gave my heart to you
can never leave this place, all alone…
can never find the peace, settling inside of me
can you find… the love in my heart--
I gave to you, with all my soul
and now I find… the broken pieces of a mirror
now I find… my heart shattered beneath your hands
can't take the heart break
can't make you love someone
that you never loved in the first place
just take my heart and my love too
I think I'm starting to fall in love with you
can never leave this place, all alone…
can never find the peace, settling inside of me
can you find… the love in my heart--
I gave to you, with all my soul
and now I find… the broken pieces of a mirror
now I find… my heart shattered beneath your hands
can't take the heart break
can't make you love someone
that you never loved in the first place
why won't you love me too
when I gave my heart to you
can never leave this place, all alone…
can never find the peace, settling inside of me
can you find… the love in my heart--
I gave to you, with all my soul
show me you love me
when I'm cold will you hold me?
even when I give my heart to you,
it doesn't mean I love you
"Heart" doesn't mean "I love you" © Harika Huynh
Ai,
Harika Huynh