Fall to Pieces and Then Burn, a harry potter fanfic

Fall to Pieces and Then Burn

Disclaimer: I do not own Sirius, Remus, Azkaban, or anything that J.K. Rowling created and has in her Harry Potter series. I don't even own Jeremy. I stole him from Suga hi.:) Oh yeah, I also don't own the song "Fall to Pieces". I make no money from any of this stuff.

Summary: Remus is cleaning out the flat he had shared with Sirius, and he listens to something that stirs his poor confused little self up. SBRL (1981)

Rating: PG-13

A/N: In this Remus is kind of numb about what happened on Halloween and early November 1st. He is also confused over the accusations thrust at Sirius, so his thoughts on him change around quite rapidly.

A/N/N: This is very different from a lot of stuff I've done, so please be gentle. Don't be afraid to give me some good old constructive criticism though! I need ideas on how to make my writing better. Also, please don't say negative things about the fact that I have Sirius and Remus together. If you don't like that, then don't read it!

A/N/N/N: PLEASE DO REVIEW!!!!!

GIVE CHEERS TO MY WONDERFUL BETA-READER, SUGA HI! Thanks, buddy! Loves ya! (glomps)

Lyrics in Bold and Italics in the center of the page.

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It was November 11, 1981, and Remus was sitting alone staring at the wall of the flat he had shared with S- Him. He stared at the things around him, remembering so many things that happened there alone or with the man he loved. He sighed, and started digging stuff out of the cabinet, wiping away some of the stray tears he had cried that day. Remus threw most of it into the bin, but then saw something that caught his eye. It was some of the CDs from the future that He had from one of the various time-holes He had created. One caught his eye in paticular. He had remembered that it had mostly depressing or unhappy songs on it. Remus pulled it out, and put it in the CD player, and put it on random. He listened as the familiar sound of the song "Fall to Pieces". Remus had liked this song. Not wishing to pack anymore he sat down, and listened as the song began. As it did, so did his thoughts of Him, and the night that had changed his life, and so many others, forever.

I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You tried to say
Things that you can't undo

That morning some aurors had come to his door. He had opened it, and everything that had happened had been told to him. Remus had just stared at them, tears in his eyes, shaking his head 'no' and whimpering non-sense. The aurors had still insisted that Remus should come and speak to them, to try to help. Remus had immediately agreed, and gone into the Ministry. As he was walking around, trying to find the right room (he was to be interviewed by different aurors), he had walked by some dungeon or cell looking rooms. As he passed he had heard a voice.

"Remus! Remus John Lupin! Moony, my puppy! Look here!"

Remus jumped and turned towards the sound. When he saw Him he shook his head. Remus tried to force his legs to run away, get away, get away! Get away from the evil fucking bastard! His legs decided that they liked where they were though, and he stood there dumbly.

"Remus... I didn't - I wouldn't. I loved James, Lily, and Harry! You know that! I love you, please help me! Please help me! I didn't! You know Peter, he - well - I'm so sorry that this is happening! Oh, Remus!" He had wailed. Remus just continued staring and shaking his head 'no'. After a few moments, his legs began working, and he ran as hard and fast as he could, ignoring the cries of his love. He hated to leave Him there, but he hated what He had done more. Remus shook his head, trying to rid his head of the fresh memory.

If I had my way
I'd never get over you

Remus noted that sadly, he thought he was getting over Him. The man was rarely thought about in any kind of way. Remus didn't want to do that though, he wanted to always know and feel what had happened and it was his fault he hadn't truly seen it coming. This week though, he'd felt and remembered Him little. Remus' mind was usually occupied by either of his three friends, or the hell-hole James and Lily's son had been sent to. Remus' subconscious knew it was just the sweet numbness that caused this, but he felt like thinking otherwise.

Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

It was now ten days since the death of Peter and Remus finding out what had happened. Remus hated (or thought he hated) Him, but he knew that He had cared for His best friend, His best friend's wife, and their child at one point. Maybe He was having a hard time dealing with what He had done to his friends. Hopefully He was, but Remus hoped that He would make it through so He would keep feeling pain. Remus hoped that he, himself, made it because he still had his parents. Remus wouldn't kill himself, he didn't want to make that much more pain and trouble for his parents. Besides, since he was the survivor, he figured that he should feel the pain and guilt associated with it.

I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you

Remus thought about that. "The Survivor" that's what he was now. The thoughts of why nearly killed him with the pain stabbing at his chest. Although, he pushed it away easily, allowing the numb feeling to flood his body. He hoped he'd stay like this for a while. Less pain and he had been known for keeping his head, keeping his cool. Why quit now?

You're the only one
I'd be with 'till the end

He had been the only one Remus had ever loved, and even though that was his first, Remus knew that he could never love anyone else. The man had loved him so sincerely, so deeply, so well, that he knew how near impossible it would be to love someone else, anyone else.
Why did Sirius have to do this?!!?

Remus knew that He must've hated him the most because He left him alone to cope with the pain of losing everyone. He had seemed a little pre-occupied the few times Remus had seen Him, of course as He had been in hiding, but He still seemed like the same person Remus had loved. Although, He had been a good actor. Oh well. All this pain, the last two weeks had lasted so long. If it kept on like this, Remus didn't want to know how long it would feel until he began to die.

When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

Remus recalled back in his school days when he had been so depressed with his entire being. He had snapped at his friends a lot, and been very temperamental and mean. One night after this had been going on for more than just a full moon week, He had come to Remus and confronted him. Remus remembered feeling so stupid and weak. He had broken in front of Him and started to cry, that's when He had known it was serious. Remus never cried. So, being the caring boy He had been, He had said comforting words, and held Remus close to Him as they went up to the astronomy tower, and looked at the stars. Remus remembered that it had taken a total of about fifteen minutes for him go from a very depressed, possibly suicidal teenager, to the most content boy on earth.

Oh, how Remus had loved Him! How talented He had been at helping Remus, being so nice, sweet, yet still remaining His mischievous devil-may-care-but-I-sure-as-hell-don't attitude and His perverted humor. Remus also remembered how He could always keep him in check and glad.

Remus sighed the first happy sigh he had all day. He caught himself though. That – that ... murderer wasn't the lover, the wonderful man, that had made him feel so loved and content anymore. He wasn't the string that held him together. He wasn't the man who gave him mirth, and that special feeling only He could bring about in the werewolf.

He is, however, the raving murdering lunatic in the newspaper. He is the man who had killed Remus' three best friends, killed innocent muggles,and had gotten Himself locked up in Azkaban forever. He couldn't love a man like that, no he couldn't and he wouldn't.

As this chorus played, two owls came to his window. One carried The Daily Profit and the other a letter. The man's picture was on the Profit. Remus noted that He sure didn't look the murderous lunatic that He was on the inside. That upset him. It would've been easier to accept if He had fit the description. Remus found himself wishing he could just sit in front of his EX-lover and stare; try to get into the mind of Him.

Remus had of course tried this before, like whenever He had played that trick on Snape in sixth year, and it usually worked, unless they were just playing around. Then Remus remembered how they would sit in front of each other, stare at each other with huge eyes, and pretend to see what was in the other's mind. Remus would pretend that he could see all of the strange thoughts – or the lack of thoughts altogether - in His mind and He would- .

Remus stopped this train of thought. He was not his lover anymore! No more of those childish games! No more He would! No more He could! The only thing Remus needed to know was that He did, and now He couldn't. Remus looked down at the letter. It was from a guy that had been flirting with him for ages. Jeremy had written to say how sympathetic he was, and that if Remus ever wanted to talk about it... . But, no, Remus did NOT want to talk to him. He didn't want to talk to anyone, especially about Halloween and All Saint's Day. Remus looked at the letter sadly as he threw it into the bin with all of the other junk. Jeremy really wasn't all that bad, but... .

Want to know who you are

Remus had lied, he did need to find out things about Him. What had made the huge change between the wonderful Marauder ring-leader and funny, mischievous man he had lived with for the last five years, into the murderous, loony, prisoner of Azkaban??? What had made him morph into Regulus and become a death eater? Who was he? Who was he now?

Want to know where to start

If Remus ever got to speak to Him, what would he say? How could begin? Where would he begin?

I want to know what this means

Did He really mean to do all of that? Did He choose to be a death eater, or was He forced? Could He be forced? Well, He did become one obviously, but did He want it, or did He become a chicken? Neither seemed like Him, but Remus knew what had happened... So, what the hell was going on?

Want to know how you feel

He couldn't be so uncaring as to not feel pain or loss over any of the events in the last two weeks, right?

Want to know what is real

Did He really do all of this? Why? What's fact? What's fiction?

I want to know everything, everything

'Dammit, Sirius!' his thoughts hissed. 'Why can't you just come and tell me it all? Talk to me, you damn fool!!!'

I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you

Remus' mind suddenly changed when he heard the chorus again, no he didn't want to talk to Him! After all that He did (how could He not've?), why should the Survivor give Him the time of day; listen to His lies? It didn't matter, not really. Remus didn't really want to go to visit Him in Azkaban anyway. No more words would pass between them, ever. That's how it had to be, and it was all His fault. He made it be.

If Remus ever got to see Him again, he figured that he should just cry in front of Him. Let Him see how he had hurt him, it was no secret. Let Him know all the pain he had caused! Let Him know that Hisbeing was not the only one ruined that still continued!

I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

"Na uhn," Remus muttered sternly. No more would he love this man! Let Sirius Orion Black rot in Azkaban! Let Him continue down the road of insanity! Let His world come crashing down! Let Him feel at least a fraction of the pain Remus had and would! Let Him, let Him, let Him, and then Remus would feel some satisfaction through all of the lonely days! It was all S- His fault so let it all come crashing inward!

After all that Remus found he was breathing hard and sobbing. He hit the stop button as the song ended. He took the CD out and pitched it. This CD made him think too much about Him, and he had only listened to one song. It was too close to home.

The thoughts of what wonderful tortures could be done to his old lover came to him instantly after he threw it away, and made Remus decide that the CD that He had liked so well (including the singer) should burn. Not like He would miss it now.

Later that night in Remus' mind, as he watched the CD go up in flames, He would follow it soon. And Remus prayed to God that he could watch it happen so he could stand there and laugh in His face, and that would be the last things seen and heard by Him as he turned into ashes.

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End?