Chapter 3 – Not Alone

Author's Note: Enjoy the last chapter. Yes, there's an open ending. :)

Thank you so much for reading, favoriting, following, and/or reviewing this fic! ^-^

~ Amina Gila

She does not, in fact, have time to breathe, because the meeting is called soon enough, and she's asked to attend. Ben is there too, and she could swear he and Vader are glaring at each other whenever no one's watching, even if she has yet to see them look at each other even once.

Seriously.

But she finds it less irritating, more... Something else now. She knows why Vader is so angry with him, and she knows why Ben is so angry with him. So no, it's not amusing. More exhausting. It must be for both of them, too.

The meeting isn't over soon enough, and the others leave as soon as they can. Vader doesn't go immediately, and neither does Ben, so Leia waits, to make sure there won't be any... murders.

"We must discuss your training," Vader says, turning to her. She finds it a lot less unnerving to have him towering over her like this after... earlier.

"Training," Ben repeats, eyes narrowing, "You aren't training them, Vader."

The temperature seems to drop, fury coiling almost visibly around him. "You will not stop me," he snarls.

Ben glares back, unfazed. "I'm not letting you corrupt them with the Dark Side."

Excuse her, but half of 'them' is standing right here. They seem to have already forgotten her existence now, though, with only a single-minded focus on each other.

"It will give them power," he growls, "So they will be strong enough to fight the Emperor."

"'Powerful enough' that they will be blinded with power just like you," Ben snaps, "They were safer here without your meddling."

Suddenly, she has the very bad feeling things are about to get violent. "You took them from me," Vader snarls, fist clenching.

"I was protecting them from you," Ben spits, "This is already the second time I had to rescue Leia from you."

Vader twitches sharply, and she definitely picks up his flare of absolute pain. Pain and hopelessness that runs so deep no one could express it with anything but anger... or giving up entirely.

There's no way Ben didn't notice it either, so why does he look so smug?!

"That's enough!" Leia calls loudly, before this an escalate further.

Both heads swivel towards her in perfect unison. Their expressions somehow feel identical even if she can't see Vader's face.

"Both of you have legitimate reasons to be angry with each other and being cruel about it will change nothing. I know you both still care for – who you though the other person used to be. If you can't talk without fighting, then perhaps don't talk to each other at all."

They're both gaping at her now – well Ben is, and she thinks Vader is feeling pretty similarly.

"And I think it's up to Luke and I who trains us and what we do or don't want to learn."

"Leia –" Ben begins instantly.

"No, not now," she cuts him off, "We can talk about this later when everyone has a clearer head."

There's a respirator cycle of silence before Vader spins on his heel, walking out. If it was someone she actually knew better, she'd follow to see if he was alright. Because all she can remember is –

"He left me."

"He was good. He is different now."

"Leia," Ben starts again.

"He's dangerous. I know," she interrupts.

"You can't learn the Dark Side. I lost Anakin to it. I can't lose you and Luke to it as well."

She purses her lips. "You won't. But I want to understand what happened with you two. Vader said he's in that life support because of you."

Ben tenses. "What has he been telling you?"

"Is it true?"

"I did injure him when we fought," Ben admits grudgingly, "He was trying to kill me."

She shakes her head, breathing out heavily. "Doesn't look much like an 'injured in a fight'."

"What?" He sounds a mixture of annoyed and wary.

"I saw him. Without his armor... because of circumstances. I don't know if all his injuries were from his fight with you, but..."

"It got out of hand," he replies.

That's one of putting it. She still doesn't understand how a lightsaber duel could end in Vader's current condition, but she won't ask. She doesn't think she wants to know. "He implied he wanted you to stay with him, or... something," Leia says, only because as hard as she might try, she just can't tear her mind away from that, "And you refused."

Something about Ben's presence is always sharp and cutting when he's angry, and she feels it instantly now. "He never wanted that. He's a monster, Leia. He's trying to deceive you."

Somehow, it feels like every last bit of her patience is about to snap entirely, and she doesn't even know why, because it's not Ben she's angry at. Okay, maybe a little, but not only. It's just everything. Everyone. This whole nightmare. She wants to go home.

"Look, I might believe that if I didn't see him crying about it. You still love Anakin, and I think he... still loves the person he thought you used to be. But neither of you are clearly what the other person wants so..." She scrubs a hand over her face. "I want to be alone."

Ben is still staring after her in silence when she slips from the room.

Leia makes it out to the trees a short distance away from the new base – this isn't the main Rebel base, because after leaving Yavin, they split up into multiple places just in case making a deal with Vader proved to be really stupid – before it suddenly occurs to her that maybe a lot of the emotional exhaustion she's feeling isn't entirely her own.

That has happened in the past – that she'll pick up on how someone else is feeling – at least if it's someone she's close with – only to realize a little later that it wasn't only her own emotions she was feeling. She's never understood it until now. (But she has the disconcerting feeling that some of what she's feeling might be from Vader. Apparently, they... have a Force connection?)

She doesn't know what to think of that. Or him. Or any of this. Her emotions are too conflicting to label.

But it's strange, getting to know the members of her biological family now, after losing Alderaan only days ago. It almost feels like she's trying to replace them, which is stupid. She's not. She just... She doesn't want to think about Alderaan, even if that's the only thing part of her mind can fixate on.

It feels like she's starting to feel the first traces of her true emotions over what happened, and... Yeah, she really wants to be alone right now.

An aching loneliness and longing are snaking through her, more than she even knows how to handle. Alderaan is just gone, and – and –

Sitting out here watching the sunset is probably only making her feel worse. She did that at home all the time. When she was really little, her parents were often there too. Sometimes, they'd stand on the balcony off her bedroom, overlooking the trees, the same as the trees that now surround her.

She misses that, all of it, and she wants to go home.

Even when dusk comes, she doesn't move from her perch by some overturned logs, listening to the sound of insects in the trees. She used to do that too. Her favorite trees to climb... Ones that are all just space dust.

Maybe she has duties back inside, and she knows she needs to get a grip on her emotions, but she doesn't want to right now. She has privacy out here anyway, a moment to fall apart.

She doesn't remember when she started crying, sobs shaking her but – seeing those stars in the sky, knowing that it's a constellation she's occasionally seen on Senate missions, always guessing at which star is Alderaan's, because she knows one of them is –

She doesn't know which one, and she's glad, because – The sky looks as it always does. The changes of the planet being gone will take a long time to spread across the galaxy. It feels like an Alderaan-sized hole was blown through her, and she just... wants it to stop.

She hasn't cried this much since Kier died, and she'd gone to her parents for comfort. She'd stayed in their bed that night, the last time they ever did that together. Kier had been scared they would lose Alderaan if they continued their fight, and now she can see why so well. What would he think, if he were alive now?

If not for everything Leia and her parents were involved in, this wouldn't have happened. At least not yet. In time, it would have anyway, because the Empire only keeps pushing their control. They can't bow to them, no matter what. But for a fleeting moment, she can almost understand why people would find it easier.

Alderaan would have been destroyed in time anyway, but still. She tries not to imagine what Kier would think of the Rebellion now. But this is why they can't fail. They've already lost too much, (killed too many) for that to happen.

Leia stills abruptly at the sound of mechanical breathing filtering through the trees right behind her. How did she not hear him coming a long time ago?! (To be fair, the sound of her own labored breathing probably drowned it out.)

Leia breaths in shakily, trying and mostly failing to stuff her emotions behind a wall again. She wipes her face off on her sleeve – her mother would have had a fit, and that thought is enough to nearly brings her to tears again – turning to look up at him. Hopefully the darkness makes her expression harder to read. "What are you doing out here?" Her voice sounds a lot shakier than she likes.

He's silent for a moment. "You are beyond the safety perimeter of your camp."

"I didn't want to be disturbed," she replies tersely. But now that she was... interrupted, well, maybe that's for the best. She doesn't have time to wallow out here, even if she doesn't have the energy to get up and do something.

"I sensed you," he answers her question finally.

Why would that make him come out here? Unless... Unless... No, this is all much too strange. Why would he care? Why would he...

He doesn't seem to have much intention of leaving, but he also isn't saying anything, and it's making her feel awkward.

... Or maybe he's feeling as awkward as she is.

"What does akku mean?" Leia blurts finally. She doesn't even know what language that word is from.

Vader goes completely still. "Of what significance is this?" What, does he not remember? She supposes that wouldn't be surprising.

"Because you... said it. What language is that?"

He's quiet again, long enough that she wonders if he's even going to answer. "Amatakka. A language of – It means... sweetheart."

Why is it that every conversation with Vader leaves her mind even more muddled than the previous? (No pun intended with regards to the meeting on the Death Star.) "Oh," is the most eloquent response she can come up with. He called her, he called her... And he apologized. He... Seeing him as just another Imperial she has no liking for would be a lot easier.

It only serves to scramble her mind further when she's already trying to deal with Alderaan. She thought Kier's death was bad, but this –

"Your anger and pain will fuel the Dark Side," Vader supplies very unhelpfully. Apparently, he's picking up on her emotions.

The words weren't meant in a bad way she doesn't think, but it's still... Coming from someone who supports the Empire, and the Empire did this. "How does this fuel anything?" she snaps.

"Anger and hatred fuel the Dark Side," he repeats. "They give power."

Somehow, that answers more than she ever wanted to know about Vader, and the Sith's beliefs. "So, you're saying all dark emotions fuel the Dark Side?" she clarifies.

"Yes."

"And that's all you feel constantly?"

"Yes."

"That sounds exhausting."

"It gives you strength."

"That's the only way this Force works?" she asks dubiously. Because there is no way she's doing that.

"There are... other ways. But the Dark Side is strongest. I will teach you." He keeps repeating that like she already agreed. Or maybe – he just wants an assurance, but he won't outright ask for it. She doesn't know what to say to that, truthfully. She'd rather Ben do it because she doesn't have any bad experiences with him, but somehow telling Vader that feels... (Cruel.)

"If the method is – wallow in your misery until it's too much and you explode, I'd prefer not to become an expert at that," Leia deadpans.

"That is not how it is done."

"How is it done, then? How does the Light Side work?" Maybe she should ask him and Ben both for their take on that, and then talk to Luke about it.

"The Light is weak," he retaliates, as though that answers anything,

"How?"

"It encourages passiveness. The passivity of the Jedi is what lead to their destruction. The Dark Side relies on passion. For any change, to stabilize the galaxy, that is what is needed."

She can't really dispute that point if what he's saying is really true. "I'll talk to Luke about... our training," she decides finally. She needs to know more before making any decisions.

"We have little time," Vader objects, sounding decidedly displeased.

"I'm aware," Leia shoots back. She can't believe she's having this conversation with Vader now, given where they were with each other only days ago. "But it will take time for Luke and I to learn more about the Force regardless."

"That is why you must begin immediately. The Emperor may find us."

"In my mind. He sees. Everything."

"We'll be working on it," Leia replies, looking back up at the sky again. She has so many questions, and she doesn't want to think about Alderaan's star in the sky above them. "How did you end up with the Emperor?"

That chill in the air is back instantly – as she expected. "That is irrelevant," Vader retorts.

"Yes, it is, but I'd like to know. Ben claims you wanted power, and the Dark Side corrupted you." She can feel his anger swirling. "And I know who you used to be. I'd like to know how you... ended up like this. With the Empire."

"We already spoke of the need for an Empire."

"And that was all it took?" she asks bluntly, "You were a Jedi."

"The Jedi were committing treason," Vader replies.

Why does she still think there's more? "Maybe, but you were one of them, weren't you? Wouldn't you have been guilty of treason too?"

"They left me out of their plot," he answers shortly.

"I can't believe the Jedi would do that," Leia says, shaking her head. Her father always supported them, and –

"I saw it. They attempted to assassinate the Chancellor, unarmed. I... intervened."

It feels true, disturbingly enough.

Well. Apparently, things can get messier. She knows isn't all black and white, and...

"I don't understand," she admits, "How did that lead into you thinking us and our mother was dead? Why would you think she was going to die?"

Vader stills. "I had visions of her death," he replies, "I had to prevent it. The Emperor promised me I could save her with the Dark Side, but I was injured first. When I... awoke, she was already gone."

What –

She stares at him, almost numbly. He did this... Joined the Dark Side because of her mother. Because of them. And – and –

"We may make mistakes when we let our hearts guide us – terrible mistakes – but I think we are never wholly wrong," Bail had said that, the day after Kier died.

After he was going to turn them over to the Empire, to save Alderaan.

And Vader had turned on the not-completely-innocent Jedi to save them and her mother.

It's... It's what Bail said, really. What is she even supposed to say to that?

He wanted to save his family, and from the looks of it, he lost everything and everyone instead.

Not so unlike Kier. Kier whose body is now space dust, just like everyone else on Alderaan. And Leia suddenly realizes with a jolt, if it means destroying the Empire, restoring the Republic, she will use the Dark Side. For Alderaan. For her family.

Not so unlike Vader.

Well...

She really doesn't know what to say to that.

"I know what you think of the Empire," she says, then pauses, "But..." What is she even trying to say? "You know what constellation that is?" She asks, waving at the sky directly above them.

Vader's helmet inclines, following her gaze. "Alderaan," he realizes, voice about as quiet as she thinks it could get with his vocoder. He knows? Well, he is a pilot, so it makes sense.

"Yes," she agrees. Why did she bring this up? The sudden knot in her throat is making it hard to say anything without breaking down. "And for them –" She failed them. "– I will do whatever I need to stop that from happening again. Whatever the cost is." Even to herself. Even if she is killed while doing it. She's expecting as much, and she gets the feeling Vader picked up on that line of thought.

"You will not die," he replies sharply. It sounds like an order. "We will be powerful enough together."

A mirthless laugh escapes her. Her mood is clearly getting to her head because she has no idea what she's thinking anymore. Except she wants to be with her parents again so badly it physically hurts. Just being with them, even if it means dying, doesn't sound so bad right now. (Not that she wants it, she just...) "It's not a cost I'm unwilling to pay if it means destroying the Emperor."

Why did she just say that?

That was... (very insensitive, given that for some unfathomable reason, Vader seems to care about her.) She just wants it to stop hurting, ripping her into as many pieces as Alderaan is now. She'll let that bleed into her determination to carry this fight to the end soon, but right now, she's tired.

Vader stills, nothing but the sound of the respirator echoing through the trees for a few moments. "We all desire that freedom, young one. It is not... within our ability to make that choice."

Wow. What a consoling way of saying 'I want to die too'.

Leia scrubs a hand over her face, inexplicably worn. "Are you alright?"

Vader just... stares. "By what measure do you inquire?"

She raises an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"I was repaired," he says, irked.

Repaired. Like a machine. (Literally, actually.) "No, I mean – are you okay? Your comment was slightly disturbing."

"Why would you concern yourself for a thing such as I?" Even through the vocoder, he sounds hopelessly confused.

Remind her not to engage in further mind-blowing small talk with him. What he needs to do is go see a therapist. Or something. "Because you're a person."

She gets the distinct feeling he can't comprehend her meaning at all. That if anything, her comment short-circuited his brain completely, and that's what's so disturbing. His mind is a mess, and... No wonder he seems so unhinged all the time.

Something about sitting out here like this is reminding her of all those years ago when she was on that cargo ship with Obi-Wan and all those other people, not knowing if she'd ever get home. She could feel Ben's worry then, and now, she can feel Vader's jumbled emotions.

And he... he tried to save her life, and Luke's and their mother's. It's – She has no idea how to feel about that. Ben never mentioned it. Did he even know?

She doesn't like seeing people hurting, and while Vader is well Vader...

(He also called her 'akku'.)

That doesn't change what he's done, but... He's a person too.

She reaches out hesitantly – What is she doing? She must be incapable of any comprehensible thought right now herself because she is not comfortable around him. It's been only days since what happened on the Death Star after all, whether that was standard Imperial procedure or not – touching Vader's glove where it rests on a half-standing tree next to them.

The helmeted head turns to look at her for a long moment, but he doesn't seem unhappy with it.

... who is she kidding? If Vader wasn't happy with someone touching him, they'd look like his unfortunate med-droids.

He turns his hand over, very gently – apparently, he can be gentle? – taking her hand in his, holding it as though it's something breakable.

For a hysterical moment, it almost feels like she's trying to replace the family that raised her, but no, that's not what she's doing. Not at all. Her adopted parents will always be hers, the ones who raised her, and... She knows they'd be happy for her to get to know her birth family.

She doesn't know how much Vader can feel through his gloves, if anything, but she tightens her grip ever so slightly anyway.

Why is she doing this. Why is she doing this –

But he feels more... Less dark. She couldn't say more without guessing wildly.

So why does it have to be that very moment that it gets ruined?

"Leia!" she hears Luke calling.

"Leia?" Ben asks.

She doesn't know which of them pulls away faster, spinning around as Luke and Ben step through the trees.

From the look on Ben's face, he must've seen it anyway.

They have a lot of explaining to do.

If only she had an explanation for the complicated way she feels towards Vader, herself.

All she knows is that reaching her goal of bringing justice to Alderaan and trying to survive all alone without it suddenly feels maybe slightly more manageable.

(She's not alone. Not as much as she once thought.)

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