Disclaimer on first page (first chapter).

Oh Dreaded Night!
Chapter Four

The few days leading up to the night of the full moon never proved to be easy for Lupin. For the most part, he remained himself, but would fight off bouts of extreme moodiness. At one end of the spectrum that was his emotions, there was the depressed Lupin. That was what he was experiencing right now, in fact, as he lay awake in his bed, not a wink of sleep and just a few hours to sunrise. He was depressed, mostly, because he couldn't rest at all and it would interfere with his day. It was the last day he had until the full moon and he didn't want to waste it being exhausted. But being exhausted also proved to be helpful at times, as sometimes the wolf would pass out from it before the night was over, leaving little time to hurt himself or his surroundings. At least, that was what he thought made the wolf pass out. It was a good theory that he wouldn't really want to argue with.

At the other end of the spectrum, there was the manic Lupin. He mostly became depressed after a manic episode, in which he felt as if the wolf would rip out of him prematurely. There were times, he felt, that it came close. He would be in his bed and all of a sudden feel a jolt from inside, nearly knocking him out of his bed. He would try to remain still while it happened, but that didn't prevent him from feeling as if he had been labouring all day, sweat coming out of every pore of his body, soaking his sheets. He was grateful for the curtains around his bed, so that no one could witness what happened, but at the same time, they made him feel claustrophobic. There were times when he just wanted to throw them open, but the fear of someone seeing him was stronger, and he kept them closed.

This had just happened moments ago. He swore that he should be used to it by now, but his body wouldn't let him be. It was just as taxing on his system as it was any time before. He was convinced at these times that as he got older, the wolf would only get worse and finally take over. He wondered if his self would be locked inside the wolf just as the wolf was locked inside of him right now. It was enough to keep him awake at night, just thinking about it.

He had expressed his fears to his parents when he was smaller, but he no longer did. He felt that it was too intense for them. He recalled one night, a night before the full moon when his body nearly went into seizures, that he told his mother what he was experiencing, and she cried out to his father to come. She cried out for his father to come and put her child out of his misery. "I can't bear it any longer, please… please… how is he supposed to live like this? How is he supposed to live?" She wailed. It looked like she hurt immensely and might explode from hysterics at any moment. He just looked up at his father, helplessly. His father was holding up his wand, and Lupin knew that he was seriously considering ending his son's life. Obviously he hadn't, he only pulled the wand away and left the room, but when Lupin looked back at this time, he sometimes wished that he had ended it all. It wasn't natural for someone to live their life like this. It wasn't right for others to be harmed by it.

He didn't wish to end his life, really. No, not really. His only hope was that some day someone would come up with an antidote… or that the full moon would stop appearing the sky every month at some point in time. He had to tell himself (often) that it was only one night out of the month and that the rest of the time he was himself. He was Remus Lupin. He would be strong. He would find his place in life, other than his place as a werewolf. But really, this was just his talk out of a dark place. It didn't go away easily, these thoughts, he could still feel the sinking feeling in his chest.

In just a matter of hours, he would be heading to classes. The thought of having to face anyone was torture to him at this moment. The only thing that might be able to calm him is the thought of being alone for the entire day and just let it happen without having to go through the motions of the day beforehand. He considered talking to Dumbledore before breakfast so that he might be able to get out of his classes. His headmaster would understand. But that was hours away… he needed to find something to do until that time to occupy his mind.

First off, he took a piece off his chocolate bar, (finally opening the bed curtains) and ate it with tiny bits, prolonging its stay only if for a couple more short moments. If he could smile any time he tasted chocolate, he would. He also made a mental note to keep more chocolate out in the open while he was in wolf form… maybe it would like the chocolate just as much as he did and find comfort in it. With that though, he took off another piece and grinned, even if it was slight.

He thought of taking out his lunar charts, but realized that it would only make him even more anxious and depressed. He decided instead, to do something that occupied his hands and not only his thoughts. He took out his quill and a piece of parchment and closed the curtains around his bed again. He took out his wand and softly called, "Lumos!" It brightened his tiny space a bit more, which made him feel a bit better. He placed his lit wand to rest on the headboard, where it balanced, luckily, and thought about what he might draw.

Since his bed was lacking items to draw, he held out his hand, and with the other, drew a detailed picture of his hand – lines, fingernails, hair and all. After completing his drawing, he looked at his work, a bit critical of himself, but in the end decided that he didn't do that bad of a job. When he really thought about it, it had even calmed him down a bit, to do something like that. Maybe it was something that he could try from now on when he was feeling down in the middle of the night.

When he thought that he had seen enough of his drawing, he moved to put it inside one of his books, but stopped when he heard someone shuffling around on the other side of the room. It had to be either James or Sirius. But who would be up at this hour? The footsteps came closer to his bed, "Lupin?" Sirius whispered. "Lupin, you all right in there?"

He quickly grabbed his wand. "Nox." He waited a moment, to see if Sirius would move to go back to bed, but he heard no returning footsteps. He peeked from behind the curtain and found Sirius watching the bed, rubbing his tired eyes. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just couldn't sleep, is all."

"You sure?" Sirius whispered, sounding as if he didn't believe what Lupin was saying.

"Yes, yes, I'm sure. Just fine."

Sirius stepped up to his bed. "Do you think I can talk to you for a minute?"

"Uh… all right."

Without asking, Sirius took hold of the bed curtains to push them back and crawled onto his bed. His first reaction was to block him from coming onto his bed, but Sirius moved quickly… he was already settled onto the bed and closing the curtains once more.

"I couldn't sleep much tonight, either." Sirius admitted. "I think I knew that you were awake somehow." He paused. "It was bothering me…"

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry, Sirius! I'm just not feeling that well and it's hard to sleep."

"No, no. It's not your fault. I know you haven't been well lately. These past couple of days we've cut you some slack because you've been looking ill. The truth is, Remus, I always knew that there was something wrong with you… since the first week we've lived in this room together. Only, I never had a name to give it. I know that there are people who are sick who try to lead normal lives and sometimes it's difficult for them. Although, you seem to do an amazing job in school despite it all." Sirius lowered his head. "I have to tell you something, and you have to promise not to be upset with me."

He knew! Sirius knew! What did he do? Did he follow him to his secret place? Did he overhear one of the teachers talking? Did everyone know? He couldn't stop the look of panic that spread over his face. Thank goodness they were sitting in the dark. He was about to tell him what he knew… but he didn't seem afraid to tell him. It seemed strange to Lupin that Sirius remained so calm. Another person might run away in terror, screaming. He imagined a frightened Sirius screaming around the dormitory trying to evacuate everyone from the area as the wolf inside pounded to be released. But that wasn't the case.

"Please promise you won't be upset, Lupin."

"I… promise." He gulped.

"The other night you were thrashing around in your sleep, pretty violently. I stepped towards your bed so that I might wake you up… to tell you that you were just having a nightmare and that it would go away. As I stepped closer, you thrashed your arms around so much that you knocked all your books from your nightstand. After that you seemed to calm down a bit, although you were whimpering very softly. I don't think that anyone heard you… anyway… I picked up your things, so you wouldn't have to freak out about them being on the ground, and… well… I found the letter that you sent to your Mum and Dad. I don't know why I didn't just put it back underneath the books, but I read it. I'm a nosy bastard, that's why. There's no explanation for it. I just am. I read your letter before you had the chance to send it. I didn't know that your illness was so troublesome that you wanted to leave Hogwarts. Please tell me you aren't thinking of leaving!" Sirius squeaked. "We've gotten attached to you, Lupin. You're great fun to be around with. It would be awful if you left."

"Oh!" he felt the tears welling in his eyes and it was too late to stop from crying. He let out a sob and buried his face in his hands. Sirius reached out, not knowing what to do, and began rubbing his back to comfort him.

"I'm so sorry, I really am."

"It's… it's not the letter. I don't care if you've read it, it's just a damn letter."

"What is it, then? Are you really ill? I just want to know what is making you ill. Maybe… maybe we could see if there are specialty healers. Have your parents sought out anyone?" Sirius was still rubbing his back.

"There's really no cure for what I have. Not yet, anyway. For the most part, I feel fine, but at some times, it's just intolerable. It's a rare condition, so healers don't know a lot about it."

"That's just awful, Lupin. I don't know what to say."

"It's good to know that you care, at any rate." As he wiped his tears, Sirius pulled his hand away.

"We do care, even if we are a bunch of bastards." Sirius laughed and sniffled, perhaps on the verge of tears himself. Lupin smiled, and let out a hint of a laugh. "Anyway, you should try for a little bit of sleep this morning, don't you think? If you're not feeling well in the morning, I think you should go to the infirmary and get checked out… or perhaps get some rest there in the quiet. It's hard enough to sleep when those two boys are snoring away."

"All right."

"Sleep is good." Sirius yawned as he opened the curtain wide enough to get through. After he had stepped of the bed, he looked back at Lupin and waved. Lupin waved back and settled back into bed once his friend had gone, pulling the covers over his weary body. He didn't even feel his head hit the pillow… he was out cold.



Dear Remus,

I hope this letter reaches you quickly, I know that you are awaiting our response
with eagerness. Your father and I have discussed this at length and have hopefully
come to a resolution that you can agree to. We understand that your condition is
very special and that at certain times you feel alone in your suffering. We know how
troubling it can be for you away from home and familiar settings. If it is your wish
to return home, then we will be there as soon as possible to come get you. However,
if you wish to return home it will be to stay home. There are no other institutions
that exist as you described. We think it is because yours is such a rare condition and
there just isn't the demand for such a place. If it were up to us, we would want you to
be where you would feel the happiest. At first, we thought that Hogwarts might be that
type of place, to be with boys and girls of your own age that you would possibly befriend
all while learning about magic. If this is not the case, as I have mentioned, please write
back to us as soon as you receive this letter telling us to come take you home. We wish
that you would at least reconsider Hogwarts, but understand if you are no longer wish
to stay there. Please write back to us regardless of your choice. We need to know if you
are well or feeling differently about things. Also, your headmaster has made it known
to us that if you are having any difficulties that you can see him about things as well.
He has been most gracious. We feel that you are in excellent hands at Hogwarts,
far better than what we can give you at home. Please know that we love you and that
we think about you all the time. We hate to think that you are having a difficult time.
We will do anything to make you feel better. Please know that.

Love always,

Mum and Dad

He had the letter with him, in the pocket of his cloak. Everything negative that he had thought about his parents before quickly dissolved, as did his wish to leave Hogwarts. He was now armed with his friends' and parent's love for him. It was the only thing that was going to help him get through this night. Professor McGonagall was designated to make sure he reached his destination tonight. She waved to him from the doorway as he made his way into the empty room alone. He waved back reluctantly and then placed his hands back in his pockets, perhaps just to feel the piece of parchment he had received earlier that morning. He watched her as she shut the door and listened for her spell to seal the door.


It was as if Professor McGonagall never left. In fact, it was as if she had heard his cry as he woke up. He heard the door open, and as if she had never been witness to the day after his transformation, she let out a gasp. He stood up, naked, but not entirely ashamed or coherent for that matter. She helped him into his clothes and attempted to fix his hair and wipe away the dirt and blood from his face.

"Are you all right, Remus?" She finally spoke up.

"I think I am." He didn't tell her that he felt sore and exhausted to the point that he might pass out any moment again. He didn't tell her that it was difficult to get over the fact that just a couple of hours ago he wasn't in the same form she was looking at right now. He laughed at the thought of her seeing him naked, but it barely bothered him at the moment. Perhaps later the shame would hit him.

"Can you make it to the hospital wing? Are you all right to walk?"

"I think so." He yawned and made his way towards the door.

"Oh, your cloak. I'll carry it for you." He was glad she was there, that someone was there. That he didn't have to wake up alone. That he didn't have to wake up to the worried look of his parents. Yes, being here at Hogwarts was much better than being home.

"I want you to get to sleep right after you're cleaned up. You look exhausted." She said, concerned.

"Ah yes, sleep. Sleep is good."



To Remus,

We found this stash of chocolate in Peter's trunk. We thought that you
would definitely have better use of this than he would. Besides, his mum
is always sending him sweets; he can go without some for a week. Or can he?
Peter wants to add that in fact, he can go without sweets for a week. James
wanted to place a bet against it, but Peter smartly retracted his statement.
As for myself, (this is Sirius if you haven't already figured it out) I think we
should all share the chocolate, but that's entirely up to you. Peter and James
think that I shouldn't have added that last statement, but I told them to sod off.
I'm the one who is writing this letter and I will put my opinions in it. It won't
hurt anyone that I think we should all share the chocolate, would it?
I didn't think so. In any case, please get better soon, or I shall have to go insane
listening to these two idiots (who are now complaining that I called them idiots
and that I refuse to apologize). How we need your voice of reason! Get better
or we shall beat you. There! That should guarantee a speedy recovery.

Your friends,

Sirius
James
Peter

P.S. I mean it when I say get well soon!



Reviewers: AffectedMangoO thank you for reading and commenting again. Aside from tonight's newly added chapter, the conversation between Lupin and Snape is my favorite scene. I didn't plan on bringing in Snape so soon, but I think it worked out well. There will be more to come!