Whitney opened his mouth to bite Lana to death. "Die, you vile backpack!" he screamed through his Zombie-like lungs, blushing with embarrassment because a slab of his rotting skin had just fallen off his face, and he'd subsequently stepped on it with shoes ugly enough to make Lana snicker with disdain.
"No, Whitney, don't kill me! I am an innocent backpack! No, wait," she amended. "I am Lana Lang."
And as Whitney swooped down to bite her to death, Doctor Helen, Lex's evil ex-fiancée who once tried to murder him in a flaming plane crash, came staggering along, her entire white doctor's coat stained with blood.
"Damn," said Helen, "I just did open heart surgery on Jonathan Kent, and it was so gross. I feel like throwing up. Oh! There is a convenient, pink backpack in which to throw up!"
Her tomatoes stirred in her stomach. She had eaten them for lunch in her spaghetti, and they cried desperately, "Throw us up, Doctor Helen! Throw us up right into that beautiful pink backpack!"
Urgently, Helen snatched the backpack from Zombie Whitney, who abruptly fell dead again, and prepared to throw up into it. Jonathan Kent's four clogged bypasses horrified her. In all of med school, she'd only seen one cadaver, and it was a raccoon. A raccoon murdered by the Kents.
Lana screamed in horror. "Whitney, come back to life and kill me! Kill me now!"
Whitney had abandoned her, though!
"It's too bad," Doctor Helen continued, "That the plane crash left me a meteor freak whose vomit kills people by spontaneous combustion. Oh well, I'll only be spontaneously combusting a backpack!"
It was then, however, that someone else snatched the backpack right out of Doctor Helen's hands, accidentally knocking her off a cliff in the process. It was suitable vengeance for a woman who had tried to kill the sexiest bald man in the world.
"Man," said Tina Greer, staring admiringly at the pink backpack. "This is the most gorgeous backpack ever. It reminds me strangely of…" Comprehension dawned on her face. "This other pink backpack I owned once!"
She then tossed Lana aside and ran off happily. Lana sighed in relief, only to recoil in shock when she realized Tina had tossed her in the path of a tanker truck!
"Noooooo!" Lana screamed piteously.
And suddenly, her biological father, Henry Small, came driving up in a golf cart and careened into the front of the tanker truck, blowing it up in a huge ball of flames!
"I love me some golf!" her biological father Henry Small cried amidst his great pain. He drove the remains of his golf cart out of the flames, shaking off the fire. "But I will be late now, all thanks to that tanker truck and that blasted pink backpack!" He stared balefully at the burning truck. "That shows the damn tanker truck. Now I must run over that pink backpack, then back up over it, and then perhaps run over it again."
As he was about to proceed, Pete's mother suddenly found herself appalled by the spectacle before her. "You murdered the man in that tanker truck!" All the judge-ness within her rebelled at the notion of letting this villain go scotch free, and she rushed at the backpack, tore it from his hands, and decided upon a bloody fate for it to get back at its owner. "And your backpack will pay the price," she promised Henry Small menacingly.
"It's okay," he said with a beatific smile. "My daughter Lana is so pretty."
"I will beat your backpack to death with this gavel!" Pete's mother cried, brandishing a gavel.
"Oh, no!" cried a woman who suddenly ran in at superspeed, knocking Pete's mother out cold with the sheer intensity of her gaze. "I will possess this backpack."
She grabbed Lana and smiled insanely at her. "Oh, pink backpack, you remind me so much of my very best friend Lana. I'm going to make you into tea and drink you so I feel like I have Lana Lang warming me inside."
Lana was slightly weirded out. "Who in this day and age drinks tea?"
Emily took Lana to a secluded cave. There was handy, ancient Native American power plug nearby, and she plugged in her teapot and started boiling water. "See, my Lana-Like Backpack?" Emily said cheerfully. "I'm going to boil you in this teapot to make my tea!"
Lana tried to scream in fear, but because a totem pole had turned her into a backpack, she could not scream.
And then another woman at halted her. A blonde woman, who talked in strangely halting tones. "No…" she said softly. "I… am Kara! I must… bring this backpack… to Jor-El… for questioning… And then he and I… we will destroy it together…" With a superpunch, she knocked Emily out cold.
Chloe's dad, however, was making chili, so he didn't have time to come to the vengeance of the peripheral characters.
TO BE CONTINUED…
WHO WILL KILL LANA? WILL LANA SURVIVE TO REGAIN HER BEAUTIFUL HUMAN FORM? WILL CLARK EVER GAZE ADMIRINGLY AT HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN, OR IS HE CURRENTLY BEING SEDUCED BY THE SEXY BALDNESS OF LEX LUTHOR? WILL LIONEL WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE WHEN HIS NEW HAIR GEL MAKES IHM BREAK OUT IN HIVES???