Oh Dreaded Night!
Chapter Eight
On Becoming What I Am.
What my mother and father most enjoyed was spending summer evenings outdoors. My mother would prepare dinner on a grill specifically made for outdoor use. My father would laugh at her simple way of cooking sometimes (what with magicks and all), but somehow I knew that he appreciated it. I could always tell, at the end of the meal, that he was satisfied with her labours. He would wear the most brilliant smile, and my mother would return it to him and then to me. I didn't care, either way, how the food was prepared. All that mattered was that my mother prepared it, because she always prepared the most wonderful foods. You wouldn't think it by looking at my scrawniness, but I ate a great deal when I was home. I was not a picky eater like most children. I especially enjoyed food after long days of being outdoors.
I was left to entertain myself, for most of the day. We live further away from town than is necessary, but my father likes it that way. After a long day at work in town, I'm certain that the last thing he wants to see is more town. Give him a small house in the country and he'll be satisfied. And he was. As it were, we weren't around many people. When my mother had to do things around the house that would require me not bothering her, I went off on my own. That's not to say she never spent time with me. She did. She probably spent more time with me than she should have. I know that because of me she had no time to herself. These days, when I'm home, it seems like she might have even less time to herself especially when it comes to those days around the full moon. I hate that this is so, now that I'm growing older. I could tell her to leave me alone and I know she still wouldn't. But that is now. I don't want to write about now. I want to write about then.
I never understood why my parents decided not to have more children. I guess that's not for a child of my age to understand. I just thought that these things happen, a woman has a child and then has other children after. It was not so. I longed for a brother or a sister. I asked my mother why she wouldn't give me another one, and she would just smile – but there wasn't anything happy about her smile. After that, I didn't ask her again, and thought it would be better if I could show her that I was okay on my own. That I didn't need a brother or sister to keep me company. So, I'd go off on my own like it was nothing at all.
Getting back to summertime, there were evenings when the weather was most pleasant, and my father did not need to be to work in the morning, that we would stay out later than usual. My mother and father would talk at the table over tea and dessert. I'd grab a biscuit and wander a good way down our back yard to sit and look at the forest. Remembering those moments looking at the forest, I truly thought that the forest had no beginning and no end. I believed that it stretched out into forever. I was in awe of the place, but I was never afraid of it. No matter what my parents would say about the forest and about not going wandering into it alone, I didn't take it seriously. Of course I obeyed them and stayed close to the house, but the forest never threatened me in any way. When I was that small, I didn't grasp such concepts as the forest being strong and unmoving. But I did get the feeling that it was a permanent thing, something that would last longer than me and something that I needed to respect. It was watching over me, I felt, as much as I was watching over it. I thought it would remain that way.
It had for a very long time. When I was feeling particularly lonely, I saw the forest as a sort of friend. I would sometimes go out in the night to be closer to it than I could be just watching out my window. I don't think my parents ever noticed. If they did, they didn't say anything. But I think that they would have made a big deal out of it the moment they found out. They hardly ever had the reason to raise their voices or their hands at me. Other than this action, this action of going out sometimes, I never did anything wrong on purpose. To tell the truth, I never thought that stepping out to my own back yard was a wrong thing to do. I noticed that my mother would sometimes do it, maybe to look at the forest like I did. I don't know if my father even noticed her doing it, since I had yet to hear him mention it. Looking back on it, I think that sometimes my mother felt lonely too, without more children. I think she felt lonely even though she had my father. But, how often did she see him while she was awake, anyway? There were no other adults that she would speak to during the day, all she had was a child to converse with. Maybe she actually spoke to the forest. Maybe she told it all her secrets. Maybe it would whisper secrets back to her in the wind. I imagined that they did this.
That is when I started talking to the trees. Sadly, the only way that the forest spoke back was by sending a creature out. In my naivety, I thought that the creature was the forest's way of communicating. It came out of the trees slowly. I watched it as it neared the yard. I stood up, as I did not get a good feeling from this creature. The creature had its eyes locked with mine. It stood still for a moment, and I thought that if I stood still as well it wouldn't approach me. I did not want to give it the idea that I wanted to talk to it… because I didn't want to do that, I just wanted to run. I just wanted to turn around to the house. But I was frozen. It was fear that was freezing me, and confusion. I felt that the forest had betrayed me by sending out this wild animal to me. Perhaps it was my punishment for sneaking outside and not letting my parents know where I was.
It growled. I hadn't heard anything like that growl in my short years. When it started to approach me again, I couldn't do anything else but scream. I screamed and screamed hoping that my parents would reach me before this monster did, but they didn't. In a flash, the creature had knocked me over and pinned my little body under it's large one. It's drool dripped down its mouth and landed on my cheek. I did not move at this time. I couldn't. I don't even remember breathing. I didn't know what the creature meant to do to me. I thought he might just try to scare me and then jump off me and then back into the forest. But he didn't move. I wanted him off. I was able to slip my arm out and it was my thought that I would try to push him off me. He was too large. I barely even touched it's chest when it leaned down and bit the arm that I was trying to push him off with. He howled, seeing that he had the power over me.
I felt blood rushing out of my wound. I knew the creature was real...
Lupin set down his quill. Never before had he attempted to recreate the moment in words. They were always left to be images and thoughts in his mind. He wanted something to give the boys, so that they would know what happened to him, but he didn't know if this was the proper way to go about doing it. He knew he couldn't face them. No, he couldn't look at them not only knowing that they knew the truth, but that if given a second more he would have either killed them or infected them. Right now, he wasn't sure which was worse. He always thought that it was the living and not the dead that he should feel sorry for; and right now he was feeling very sorry for himself.
He had not left the shack yet. Dumbledore had left before, sending Madame Pomfrey up to his room to tend to his wounds. He did not want to leave the room. He asked Pomfrey if she would bring some writing tools, as he felt the need to write. He didn't specify what he needed to write, but hinted at wanting to owl home. She brought up a roll of parchment, quills, ink and some chocolate. He left the chocolate alone, although just the sight of it was enough to bring a small smile to his face and went straight to writing his story.
Now looking at it, he knew he couldn't finish it, although the complete tale was not yet told. He had yet to go into his first transformation and it's effects after. He wanted to write about how it affected his parents. He wanted to write about getting accepted into Hogwarts and about the changes that had to be made here upon his arrival. But he couldn't go on any further. Not only did he not have the strength to, but he thought it might be a waste of time should he not show this piece of parchment to the boys.
How disappointing it was to him; he had been confirmed in his choice to stay at the school but he had to take it all back. He had to take it back because three of his friends decided to follow him one night. He should be angry with them for doing it, but what other choice did they have? For over a year he would leave monthly with little or no explanation to his whereabouts. If he was in their places, he may have done the same thing. The last thing on their mind was having to confront a dangerous creature, he was sure of that. If anything, they were just being their curious selves. Oh, but how he wished they'd never come! If he did ever see them again, and had enough strength to, he might just scold them. But that was the last thing he wanted to do.
He would leave Hogwarts through the shack and perhaps through Hogsmeade. Yes, that seemed like the best thing. He wouldn't have to go anywhere near the school. When he wrote to his parents later, he would suggest that to them. I'm sure they would be willing to exit this way, as they wouldn't want to be seen leaving with the werewolf child.
For now, though, he needed his rest. If he could rest his mind that would be wonderful. He knew, however, that his body would be the first to shut down before his thoughts did.
"Shhhhh…"
He could hear whispers in the room. He thought he might be imagining it, but when he awoke, he heard even more whispers. When he opened his eyes, the room had grown dark, but there were a few lit lanterns around the room.
"Great, you've waked him." Sirius' voice. A slap followed, meaning that he had probably slapped whoever was causing the noise.
"I'm sorry!" James apologized. "But if you two weren't going on like idiots I wouldn't have to shush you." They were still speaking softly.
"Remus!" Sirius said, softly but excitedly. "We asked to see you since you hadn't come back yet."
This confused him, but he let them talk anyway. He did not move from his spot on the bed, however.
"We um… we brought you some more chocolate. We also had a pumpkin pie 'specially made for you. It looks delicious!" Peter smiled.
"It does look good. We thought we could all have a piece while we were visiting. Would you like one?" James asked.
"No." Keep the answers brief, he thought.
"Are you sure? Well… maybe later. I understand why you wouldn't want to have some after just waking up." James tried to smile. He looked at the other boys, as if to ask silently, "What do we do now?"
"We've plenty of time. McGonagall lifted our curfew for once. Can you believe that?" Sirius inched in closer to Remus.
"Yeah! She said we could leave whenever we wanted. As long as we returned to our dorm straight after." Peter added.
"Imagine her trusting us!" James laughed.
"I know! It's just too bad I don't feel like causing mischief tonight." Sirius laughed. Lupin wanted to tell them all to leave. Something kept him from ordering them out of the room, though. Maybe it was just seeing their happy faces. "We could, uh, keep this short if you want to, Remus. I know you're not feeling that great."
"Yeah, just give us the word and we're out of here." James added. "But, to be honest, we'd really like to stay with you for a little bit. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. I can't imagine you'd know what to say."
"You can stay." He whispered. The three boys smiled.
"We were looking out the window earlier, out at the woods and at the town. Great view." James tried to make conversation.
"We looked around the shack a bit, too." Sirius added.
"We think it's really cool you have this place." Peter chimed in.
"We want to come here every month with you, Remus." Sirius admitted.
"But you can't!" He sat up, shouting.
"We know." Sirius hung his head. "Just saying – maybe if you had some friends around it would be easier."
Lupin knew what Sirius was trying to say. He couldn't believe what was coming out of this visit. He thought for sure the boys would be too frightened to enter this place again. But here they were. All three of them. Living up to the Gryffindor bravery. If he wasn't upset with them, he would be proud to have them as friends. Well, he was proud to have them as friends. They were here. That should be all that mattered. He should get last night out of his mind. He should know he has no control over his friends, nor the wolf inside of him once it was out. He should know these things! But it was too difficult to believe they still wanted to be his friend.
"So, you don't care that I…?"
"Well, we care about you, but we don't care what you are." James spoke up.
"We just wish we could make it better for you." Peter added.
"They're right, you know." Sirius said, confirming what his friends had spoken. "We were so scared for you. That's all we were concerned with. The wolf is not… who you are entirely. We know that."
"We've been sworn to secrecy. We won't let another living soul know about it!" James exclaimed.
"No one else will know!" Peter said, confirming James' words.
"No one." Sirius promised, seriously.
"Thank you." Lupin whispered, as if suddenly losing his voice again.
The boys remained silent for a few moments longer. James spoke up, at last, asking again if Lupin would like a slice of pie. He considered refusing again, but his stomach was growling wildly and had to quiet it down quickly. "Yes, I would like one. And, could you break up some chocolate for everyone as well?"
"Will do!" James exclaimed, happy to share it with everyone.
After taking the first bite, Lupin commented, "I think this is the best pumpkin pie I have ever tasted! Is it? Or is it just because I haven't had anything to eat all day?"
"I think it is." Sirius said, mouth full of pie.
"Mmmmm Mmmm…." was all Peter could say, as he too was stuffing his face.
"I knew you'd like it!" James perked up.
The boys finished their first piece of pie and then started on a second. Lupin was not sure whether having his friends here was making him happier, or if was a rush of sugar from the pie. He thought it might be a result of both. His stomach felt a bit more satisfied, as did his thoughts. He felt as if the smile was a long time coming and that it might not ever disappear from his face if his friends kept treating him as well as they did.
They sat back in their chairs, Lupin on his bed, from all the treats that they had been able to eat, and sat in silence. There was no reason to go any further about the matter, although he was slightly interested in hearing their side of the story. Well, maybe it was a good thing that he was finally calming down and didn't need to be worried about it again.
Peter returned from his quiet moment by sitting up and looking at Lupin. "Will you be coming back with us tonight?
Lupin straightened, and shook his head. "One more night of recovery. I may be back tomorrow afternoon."
"Well, that's good."
"McGonagall wanted us to ask you if you needed anything. She'll be the one to come by tomorrow morning with any more supplies you might need." James said, stretching, looking tired.
"No. I'm all right. I have what I need."
"You suppose we should go, then?" James said, leaning his elbows on his legs.
"It is getting late." Lupin offered, but he did not really want them to leave. The three boys looked exhausted, however, as they probably didn't get much sleep last night.
James and Peter stood up. Sirius remained in his seat. "You two head off. I'll be there in a little bit. I don't feel like moving after all that pie and chocolate."
The two boys did not question him. James approached Lupin and leaned in for a light embrace (again, another surprise). Peter did the same, after. After goodbyes, they left the room quietly.
Sirius looked exhausted. He looked to the ground, looking as if he might not be able to meet his friend's eyes. "Do you want me to stay here tonight?"
After a long pause, Lupin answered, "You don't need to. Thank you, but you don't need to."
"All right." Another long pause followed. "I'm sorry Remus. It was all my fault." Sirius looked up and finally faced him.
"You didn't know what you were getting into." Lupin shook his head.
"I think I did, though. I think we all did. We had to have known, on some level…"
"You didn't know what you'd be facing, though."
"No. That we didn't. Once James unlocked that door, though, I knew. I had this feeling that you were not inside that room any more."
"You locked the room back up again?"
"Yeah. I don't know how I remembered it, though. I suppose in times of danger a wizard's mind works the clearest."
"Especially when he knows he has less than a second to…"
"We knew that that wasn't you. You have to know that. That creature…" He stopped himself.
"I'm sure you know to stay away from this place during the full moon, then?" Lupin felt like he was an adult confronting a child about the mistake he just made.
"I know. But the thing is, I don't want to. I want to make it better for you. I can't imagine what you have to go through each month."
"You can't. No human can be near a werewolf and be safe."
"No human. Well, what about animals?"
Lupin took a minute to consider. "Possibly. I don't think that an animal would willingly be near a raving monster like that, though. It's unlikely that the wolf would do anything to an animal, though. The wolf thirsts human…" He stopped. He thought he might frighten Sirius with what he was about to go into. But what he was saying was true, the werewolf thirsted for human blood and human blood alone. "What are you getting at, anyway, Sirius?"
"Well, remember on Halloween how I wanted to transfigure into some sort of animal? What if I could do that and visit you here after your transformation? Well, not only myself, but Peter and James as well? We could try interacting that way."
"But what if I sensed you were really human?"
"You wouldn't sense it. The wolf would only be sensing animals around him."
" I don't know, Sirius. I don't think it's a very good idea. I think you could talk to Dumbledore about visiting me like this again next month, but I don't think that risking your lives to see me as a wolf is worth it."
"Remus. It's not that I want to see you changed, actually it scares me just thinking about it… but I'm thinking about you. I'm thinking that it wouldn't be so horrible for the wolf if he had someone something he could interact with. Just think about it. I mean, we still have to do research about it…"
"You're doing research?"
"Well, yeah. I have committed myself to every spare moment I have in researching."
"I don't believe it."
"Well, believe it!" Sirius exclaimed.
"What's Snape going to think, what with you ignoring him and all?"
"He may think we're up to something, actually. He may know something is up already, as he nearly followed us here. He was scolded by McGonagall, though and sent back to his dorm with a fresh new detention to serve tomorrow evening." Sirius rubbed his hands together in delight.
"Snape didn't…?"
"No. No one followed us. McGonagall made sure of it." This didn't ease Lupin's mind, but it was good enough for now.
"He asked about you in class yesterday, actually. He asked James where you were."
"You don't think he suspects anything?"
"Not really. James told him to fuck off. Snape kept his mouth shut after that! Ha!"
"We have to be sure that he doesn't follow me. At all. I can't risk having anyone else knowing."
"I wouldn't trust him. Not one bit. Especially if you're not one of his pureblood friends. Even then, I wouldn't trust him."
"He doesn't really have any friends." Lupin said sadly.
"No, I don't imagine he does. He would only associate with a pureblood, though. I've heard him talking in class with one of his fellow Slytherins. He was commenting on Lily being muggle-born. He didn't look too happy about it. Actually, he seemed quite repulsed."
"I don't understand him."
"I don't either. I don't want to either. But, here we are talking about the bastard when we should be pressing more important matters… like Animagi." Sirius grinned.
"We shouldn't be talking about that either."
"Well, just think on it. You can join in on the research if you'd like."
"Oh great, thanks!" Lupin rolled his eyes.
"For serious. I wouldn't be considering this if I hadn't done some research already. I'm sure there are more books on the subject. It's just a matter of finding them. We already have a great amount of notes."
"You should pay more attention to your studies."
"Naw. Besides, this is more interesting."
Lupin knew that there was no talking Sirius out of this. Not right now, anyway. He would give it some time before the boys were bored with researching and went on to more important things, like causing trouble and making fun of Snape. He looked at his friend and shook his head.
"Don't shake your head at me!" Sirius laughed.
"You are incredible."
"Do you mean that in a good or a bad way?" Sirius grinned evilly. He stood up from his chair. "Well, I ought to go back to the dorm before the boys suspect me of foul play. They might think we're up here snogging or something."
Lupin laughed. "Yeah."
Before he left, Sirius embraced Lupin as the two boys did before him. His eyes drifted towards Lupin's table and the quill and parchment he had left out earlier.
"What are you writing? Not another letter home, I hope?"
"No. Nothing like that." Lupin left it at that.
"All right then." Sirius did not look convinced. "Goodnight."
"'Night."
Reviewers: As always, thank you for your kind words. I'm really enjoying writing this story, as I hope that you are enjoying reading it. Just for clarification (again) this takes place during their second year at Hogwarts... I know it might be a little confusing, as it isn't mentioned that very often, but I'm trying to contain the story in one school year. I will be writing about their later years at Hogwarts, but right now, (it's November) of their second year. Also, I originally wanted chapts 7 & 8 to be one, but it seemed too long. That, and I had completely different thoughts on each chapter and I would like for chapters to address different thoughts rather than the timeline of the story. Sorry for the abrupt closing... I know it was an awful place to leave off! Anyway, thanks again for reading and continuing to review!