Title: A Self Insertion Story

Author: P.L.S.

Rating:PG or PG13

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. But as you will learn, I often dream about owning him, body, mind, and soul.

Summery: A funny little collection of things I'd do to Harry and Draco if I were in their world/ had the blackmail material/ or the shear power.

A/N: has a really bad report system set up. This was wiped from the board because and I quote . Yep, as you can tell there isn't a mod or anyone who goes over the complaints and verifies if the reported fic did or did not break rules. To make it worse I got a threat telling me that he/she/it was going to report the fic on Christmas if I didn't take it down myself, then went and reported it that day. So, I am reposting this for that liar and really annoying person. And for you who liked this, I'm separating this into chapters and adding more to it for you.

Part One: The Transport

Now, this was not what I had in mind. I just wanted a quick nap after my shower. So why the heck am I in the center of what looks to be the world's most out of order bookshop just in my robe?

Ah, hell. I muttered as I looked at all the people in odd clothes that looked to be the explosion of the costume department of a Shakespearian playhouse and a department store. Most of the people could match colors, as if to make up for the lack of matching eras, but there were far too many who looked to have no clue that blue and orange striped shirts had no business mixing with black and white polka-dotted pants. I couldn't help the disdainful roll of my eyes when the fool who was wearing that God awful combination stepped forward.

Um, miss? he asked timidly, oh, how did I miss the magenta and green cape with sleeves? His accent was British too. What did I get myself into now?

Who let you leave your padded room? Any fool knows your eye for color, pattern, and the year's trends are sorely lacking. I burst out. Yes, I know it was idiotic to critique his clothes when I was in a long blue bathrobe, but I had no choice in my clothes, unlike him.

I really know that the smirk I wore at his embarrassed look was also inappropriate, but could you blame me? Then again, don't answer that.

Now, who cares to tell me how I ended up here, after just sitting on my bed after a shower? I demanded, trying to look like I was pissed and better than them in every way. The pissed part was not hard at all, I was very peeved about missing a good nap. The arrogance part was natural, I've been playing that roll for years. It was the best way for me to get along in the world. I was medium height, rather stocky, and hated to deal with those who didn't see my intelligence, arrogance was needed to deal with them.

Oh, speak up. And while your at it tell me where the hell I am. I was in North America a few minutes ago. Finally eyes met mine, cold eyes. But they didn't flinch away, or look intimidated. I could work with that, You. Tell me what I want to know. I singled him out without a gestier, just a look and a few words. The rest looked at me as if I was mad, which I was, but not in the terms they were thinking of.

And who are you to command me? he asked in a proud, but very dangerous voice. This was a man who liked blood and could kill the second he thought he could benefit from it. Just like a few of my friends. I smiled at him as I thought of them, he was what they could be if they had some money, class, and years behind them.

Command? Who said anything about commanding? I've only been asking for someone to tell me why I am not in my nice warm bed, trying to think of a new clothing combination I'd like to wear, and wishing I didn't have to go to work. And if I'm late for work I will make each and everyone of you pay dearly. I couldn't help but snarl that last bit. The herd collectively cringed, but Mr. Ice was calm as a cucumber as were about seven others. He was even smirking at me. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of me dragging him to the bar I liked to hangout at. He would just fit in so well, aside from looking like a Dracula wannabe.

Yes, so I can tell. he seemed very put out that I wasn't scared of him.

You know, you're kind of funny. I said with a sweet grin and it totally threw him for a loop. Gotta remember that, could help in the getting him to get me home process.

You are insane. But to answer your question I have no idea what brought you here, nor how to remove you back to your nice warm bed'. He answered coolly.

Damnit all. Well, who's fault is it? I demanded, Whomever is responsible needs to come forth now or I will make each of you pay for my clothing, food, and whatever else I require while I am here. And I have very expensive tastes. I have yet to see a room clear out as quickly as it did right then. No loss, Mr. Ice and the Unintimatated Ones are still here, as is the clerk of the shop.

I'm Persephone Sanguinaire, who do I have the questionable honor of being in the presence of? I asked and saw the smiles on the youngest two and the grin on one of the women's face. Mr. Ice rolled his eyes, and seemed to take on his roll as host.

Lord Lucius Malfoy, this is my son Draco Malfoy. That dark specter is Potions Master Severus Snape, and beside him is Transfiguration Professor Minerva McGonagall, both teach at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. the names, oh, fuck. I'm in Harry Potter's damned world.

You have got to be joking. You people don't exist. I'm gonna take a wild stab at the last few, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, and Harry James Potter, better known to the magical world as the Boy-Who-Lived, hated but still living with muggles who hate him, and the kid who looks and has far too much in common with Thomas Marvolo Riddle. The kid paled and shrank back while the Hogwarts teachers and Order members looked angry and the Malfoys looked amused and concerned.

How did you know that? asked Harry in his quiet but strong voice, he'd make a good figurehead or killer someday. I smirked at him.

Kid, I know things about you that you never want to let them know. I can tell them about grade school, about a few of your first tastes of magic. I can tell them about why it really took you so long to master the Patronius, why you didn't want to block out your dreams, and how much you deny about your little adventures into the world of hidden warfare. I said in my scary voice, as it was dubbed by a kid a used to baby-sit, You know you gotta wonder, Potter, why is it when you look like your daddy, you look like Voldemort. Even the eye color. Oh, this was fun. He looked scared of me, And don't get me started on other family resemblences, like the fact Severus Snape could be just another pseudonym, and that I'm starting to think you two have more in common than just being bullied as children and living in Hogwarts Castle. now Snape looked nervous and angry, I touched a nerve? Well, no matter. You wouldn't claim the son of your bully as a blood relation, nor would you care that his home life is abusive and has scarred him mentally. I bet he unconsciously links verbal abuse to affection, don't you, kid. I love messing with people's minds, But Perseus, you must tell me have you seen Petunia lately? You two both have perfectionist tendencies, and love to make Potter miserable in payment for his living when Lily died. But I suppose Petunia was jealous of you as she was jealous of Lily, and she might even think you are dead. spat Minerva after they all were starting to get over their shock.

Yes, yes. I suppose it is. I said with a casual air. Lucius was smirking at me and Draco looked very impressed. Snape looked like the other few, like he wanted to rip my throat out. I smiled sweetly at him, he was going to hate he forever. I looked about and sat carefully on a pile of books, crossing my legs and taking great pains to keep covered.

So how do you know all that stuff about him? asked Draco in a polite tone. I smiled at him, pleased someone knew how to ask a question nicely.

In my world you all are characters in a series of books and motion pictures. Who wants to take a stab at the name of the series? No one? Potter, it's all named after you. But no surprise there. But then again most of the fans of the books are betting on when and how you die in the books. Most of us think it's gonna have something to do with the brother wands of yours and Riddle's in your last year at Hogwarts. You'll all find it's no surprise that my favorite people in the books are you Malfoys, Snape, and Voldemort. Harry, I end up trying to plot your death myself in most of the books, but I do have to admit in your third and fifth years I almost liked you, because I saw that you are just like Voldemort, if a bit dense. Lupin, Tonks, you both are rather minor in the books, but I do have to admit you have fans. Why? I have no clue. And McGonagall, you wouldn't believe how many think your loyalty to Dumbledore is insane and are angry with you for not listening to your gut and getting Harry away from those muggles.You know it's at times like this I wish that the Unforgivables had exception clauses. Snape muttered darkly and really only the Malfoys looked like they were enjoying my company.

So are we talking Alternate Dimension, Time Travel, or are we not getting the loyalties we deserve for unauthorized publishing of our lives? asked Lucius Malfoy, and I had to laugh.

Well, unless you have the rights to your name, image, and experiences on paper, you'd lose that court battle in the U.S. I said and Lucius smirked.

I have the rights to all of the Malfoys as well as Potter's. I got his dirt cheap a few years ago. Lucius said calmly as Harry had to be subdued by Lupin and Tonks, Oh, calm down brat. I'll sell your name back to you.Wait give it to me. Once I get home I'll be swimming in cash! I'll even spilt the loyalties with you. I said exuberantly, You know, we could even book him on meet and greets, tv appearances, interviews, cameos in movies, and commercials.Hn. We could. If we are as popular as you say, then maybe getting young Mr. Potter into the public eye would be good for him. Lucius was smirking at Harry who was looking a bit hot under the collar.

Just think, if all goes well, we could be at the head of a media mogul that could dominate in almost every format. Harry, can you carry a tune or rap? he spat out glaring at me, and got me to thinking about getting him into some anger management classes.

Hn, too bad. But we could probably get him dancing, or doing background vocals. Music is where the money is, right after motion pictures. I told Lucius who was getting that excited glimmer in his eyes.

Yes, of course. But I have been told he has a reasonable voice. I'm sure we could convince him that maybe popular music is a good career path. If push comes to shove, I'm sure we could always put him in less than approved forms of media. Lucius leered at Harry who was fighting now. I couldn't help but laugh.

Harry yelled as he broke free of Tonks and Lupin and was looking for his wand. Luckily I saw McGonagall filch it earlier on.

Yes, Mr. Potter, porn, as you so charmingly called it. Young, fresh faced, heroic boy. I'm sure you'd be a success in that area. he said scathingly as Draco was laughing, and the Order looked ill. Well, Snape looked happy as he could get, as he watched Harry try not to kill us.

No way in hell. Harry said in a low voice and I grinned with Lucius.

That was sexy. Do it again! I taunted him and lucky for me Draco put a binding spell on him just as he was about to tackle me, See, natural. Okay. We have to carry out this evil plot to ruin his life.I suppose we do. It would be nice to hurt him legally. Okay, I agree. Come with me, we need to discuss terms, percentages, and the like. Draco, bring Potter with us. He needs to have some say in the contracts, even if it's just something we ignore. Severus, it was nice to see you again, and we must get together sometime.Good bye. Lucius, I think I need some proper attire. I'm totally nude under this thing. I said as we walked out and into the badly designed street of the marketplace.

-----