Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

It has been a week since I've been in Donovan's Institute. My very first day that I spent here was rather interesting to say the least. I got to meet the other patients here and somehow, I began to form a real close bond with Alicia and Megan, another patient who was in the institute because she could never figure out what was wrong with her. Despite the bitter irony of it all, I find myself so in tuned with all of them. Most of all, I found myself wanting to know more about why a specific 'someone' was in here for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to know so much about everyone else here that I forgot the real reason I was in here. Doctor Anthony said I was in the state of 'denial' where everything that is presented to me would be brushed off as impossible and ridiculous. I'm beginning to believe her.

For the past week, I've been joining the group of people in an exercise called 'speak, release and relax'. This was where a group of patients of about probably 8 of us are taken to a specific spot in the institute and we are to express ourselves one at a time. On the first day, no one spoke. Everyone refused to admit to themselves who they were and why they were the way they are. The person in charge of us was Abigail, a nurse who was about three times my age. She began to break the ice by telling us about herself. It was strange how that worked. Maybe it is all in the psychology? I don't really know why I did it, but on the second day, I spilt my guts out to a group of strangers who was there for the sake of being there. The feeling of not being judged or patronized or aggravated was absolutely relieving. By the end of the week, the eight of us were like family.

Ben, Jake, Alicia, Dave, Kelly, Bernice, Megan, and I shared a specific thing in common; we are all here because we needed help. Ben was sent here about 3 months ago because he kept seeing people that he shouldn't be seeing and he still sees them but he isn't really bothered with them anymore although every now and then, they would come to hurt him and that is when he turns 'evil'. For the past week that I've known Ben, he is nothing but the cutest teenager that I have ever met in my life. Jake the angst as he is known around the block is like his name, always having an anger management problem. Despite his constant angriness, he can be a pretty fascinating person to talk to every now and then.

Alicia had a different story, a far deeper story into her being in the institute. She was the only daughter of an extremely rich pair of parents who were extremely successful in their business. Her parents wanted her to be someone that she could never be and when she started to experiment with normal teenage rebellion, her parents sent her to therapy. What they didn't know was that, she became even more depressed as she saw her therapist and started a new interest, self mutilation. When her parents found out, they sent her here, to Donovan. Dave was a homosexual who was obsessed about sexual fantasies. He was a very flamboyant person and very sexually active at that. Bernice was probably the youngest amongst all of us. She was a 16 year old girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a fire back in her hometown. She was never able to pick herself up ever since he died. Her parents who obviously were rich sent her here to get her fixed up.

Megan was somewhat like me in a lot of ways. We both laugh at tragedies, what bitter people we are indeed. She signed herself in because she needed help and she needed what we both call a 'reality check up'. She was a bitch in a lot of ways. She was constantly picking up insanity and throwing it back to the faces of those who claim they were 'sane' specifically the nurses, the helpers, the caregivers and of course, the doctors. Now that she was signed in, she couldn't get out unless she was 'certified' as 'healthy' enough to get back into the 'real world'. Technically speaking, she was questioning insanity and sanity in the same book. Like me, we are just trying to get back to where we were beforehand.

As for me, I'm an alcoholic and I'm a chronic depressed freak if I can say it more bluntly, I would say, I am a big fucking mess, pardon my French. I admit to my insanity now but oh well, I don't care who or what wants to do with me. I am in a mental asylum, a so called 'getting help center'. My ignorance and my unwillingness to accept the fact that I do need help is the one that will contradict my life till no ends, am I confusing or what? Get over it, I don't care anymore. Nonetheless, the week has been slightly fascinating. It almost made me forget about my extremely brief talk with an old friend who was here. Eriol Hiiragizawa was probably the last person that I will ever expect to see in a 'crack house'. How is it possible that such a calm, cool and sane person be in here? Alright, maybe the question would apply to me but that's not the point. He was pretty much exactly as he was the last I saw him which was about a long time ago, probably when I was 12 years old or something. His features were probably the same, just a bit mature. He was warm and friendly and he was still the 'English Gentleman' that he was back then. His constant smile was still there but there was something missing in him. I saw it the moment I saw him painting. It was the sparkle that was in his eyes, the same one that brought smiles to many people, that was no longer there.

"Daidouji-san, what a lovely surprise?" he greeted, kissing the knuckles on my right hand.

I smiled and grinned at him.

"Lovely wouldn't be the word that I would use, Hiiragizawa-kun. I would say the word 'shocking' would be more appropriate", I said.

He smiled at me. His dark navy blue eyes seem to twinkle every now and then but the sparkle was not there.

"What brings you to Donovan's?" he asked.

"Alcohol and depression is probably the worst stress medicine to ever be created in this world", I answered.

"I'm appalled! Is this the same Tomoyo Daidouji that was the perfect model student in Tomoeda that I knew?" he asked, shocked.

I turned away from him and looked at the scenery around the institute. The moment I saw the lake, I sighed.

"People change, Hiiragizawa-kun. We all have to grow up, eventually", I said, looking back into his eyes, searching for what I wanted to know.

He sensed my curiosity.

"I sense a question, ask away", he said.

I blushed, forgetting the fact that he was still a sorcerer and he had many hidden secrets.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"I-"

"Eriol!"

Someone had interrupted before he could answer. We both turned our heads, looking at the person who interrupted us. It was Gwen, the redhead nurse. When she saw me, her expressions turned relatively sour. I sensed a strange vibe from this woman; it was an odd vibe, the kind of gut feeling that you usually feel when someone that wasn't meant to be there or someone that you know is going to do something evil. Eriol immediately turned silent. Now, that was even odder. His expressions turned cold, it was as though as Gwen had reminded him of something that he had not wanted to remember.

"Eriol, it is time for your medication", Gwen said, almost purring.

Her hand seemed to find her way towards his chest and she had the most flirtatious posture I have ever seen. I have actually never seen a 'nurse' act the way she did towards Eriol. Something was strange about this picture, I did not like it one bit. How is it possible that she could even be a nurse and still be here with the way she acts? Before I could say anything, she dragged Eriol into the medication hall. I was left out side, looking like an idiot, not that I am not one already.

"Tomoyo!" Someone called.

It was Alicia.

"Why are you out here?" she asked.

"I just wanted to get some air", I answered.

"Liar", she said, straight out.

"I'm not", challenging her.

"Don't lie, I saw you and him", she said, rolling her eyes.

We both began to walk into the hall together. She began to study the way I was moving and reacting with things.

"You know the guy", she said.

"What if I do? What if I don't?" I asked, pretending to not know what she was talking about.

Alicia smiled and let it go, sensing that I do not want to tell her anymore but that didn't stop her from being weird. She seems to know everything around here. It was as though as she had ESP or something. I cannot explain it but she seems to have everything spot on. She seems to know what kind of a personality a person would have by just looking at them.

"So tell me, what do you know about that nurse, Gwen?" I asked.

She looked at me and laughed.

Alicia seemed to have noticed my curiosity for the nurse as I kept looking at the nurse whenever she walked passed or whenever she was with Eriol. News started to circulate around within my mentally ill group. Like little pre-schoolers, they made the whole 'Tomoyo and Eriol sitting on a tree' thing which I pray has not gotten to the ears of Eriol for he will never let me live it down. Another thing that I notice is that, Eriol is never around us at all or anyone else for that matter besides Gwen. Why is that? It doesn't make sense. Throughout the whole 2 weeks, I've been talking to Doctor Smith and Doctor Anthony. They were both assessing my behavior in the institute to see if I needed any medication. Compared to some of the patients here, I can say that I am clearly quite sane. They asked me strange questions which I did answer in some odd way. For instance, they kept asking about the people that I socialize with and how they respond to me.

"How do you like your assigned social group?"

"Personally, I think they are nice. Odd in some ways but extremely in tuned with reality".

"Out of ten, what would you rate Alicia?"

"I'll give her a 9. She's actually quite normal; I don't understand what she's doing here".

"Is there someone or something that you feel doesn't fit the picture here at Donovan's?"

"Yes".

"Who?"

"Me".

After that, they decided that I need to be on medication. I feel that even if I am not insane, they would have made me insane. Damn scoundrels, I'll get them one day. Sue the shit out of them and tell them to shove the medications up their asses. I'm sure most of my 'social group' wouldn't mind helping me with that. I don't mind my stay here much but it's the fact that I am not sure what I am doing in here that is killing me. Quite often at night, I tend to hear screaming or wailing patients from other blocks. It is quite haunting in the sense that the shrill voice of whoever it is seem to be in a great deal of pain. I want to look out but I was never brave enough to do so. I laugh at myself, at my stupidity, at my coward ness, at myself. I couldn't help but be curious on who it was.

The week after was basically a 'know your self individually' session. I spent almost 8 hours on my own in a designated space to do whatever I please. Guess what did I spent it on? I went back to something that I haven't done in an awfully long time, art. I got my fingers messy with paint and I got my fingers touching charcoal for sketching. Somehow, everything that I made was off something really dark. I drew a raven the other day with a knife on its beak. I feel evil. Every time I drew something, it reminded me of a certain event in the past. Then, I would start thinking about Gwen, the nurse. Something about her isn't right. Something that I couldn't put my finger on. She reminded me of Kaho Mizuki. She had the same features and the same odd behavior but she had some different 'touches' as well. I wonder how Eriol really feels about that woman.

"You should stop thinking about the nurse and that odd man", a voice interrupted my thoughts.

I turned around and I was expecting Alicia but I was wrong, it was Megan. I was about to say something when she said it for me.

"You thought I was Alicia?" she asked, smiling.

"Is it me or does everyone here seem to be good at reading minds?" I asked, bewildered.

She smiled, warmly taking the question as a joke.

"You will one day know the trick of it. Technically, it's not very hard to read a person's thoughts. You analyze the posture, the events and the expressions. When you have been here as long as I have, you'll know your way around people's minds. They teach you how to read a person here in Donovan's", she said.

I sighed.

"I'm not sure if I'm able to cope with myself here at Donovan's. I don't see the point of being here. I'm fine the way I am", I said, defeated.

Megan laughed, bitterly at my words. I felt stupid.

"It's not about seeing the point. It's about accepting yourself for the situation you are in. If your doctors are serious enough to send you here, obviously something is not right. Don't lie to yourself, girl", she said.

"Have you accepted yourself for the situation that you are in?" I asked.

"If I have, I wouldn't be here", she said, still smiling.

It's been weeks since I have felt anything at all. I wonder if my sanity is slowly passing away. Then again, being in an insane asylum does not really help stimulate the mind. Being around all these so called 'mentally ill' people is strangely cold, warm and somehow indifferent. Everyone had their own inner demons to deal with. I know what's wrong with me but I can't bring it out of myself. I am an alcoholic and I am not in tune with my world. What else do they want from me? Do they want me to bleed? Do they want me to really push myself and go insane? Fuck this shit, I want alcohol. Someone better sneak me champagne or a Bloody Mary cause I'm not turning into a demon unless you give me my sins.

This week was 'alone time' week where all the patients are sent to a designated area to do 'inner demon conflicts'. It's so fucking stupid that they send people to do this on their own. Not that it's helping me in any fucking way. Pardon my French, by the way. I was sent to the lakeside. I am alone, staring out the lake where I can see nothing but my own reflection mocking me. What is the point of this? I was getting aggravated. I feel anger pissing out of me. I don't know where this is from but if someone don't come and get me, I swear I will drown myself in this ridiculous lake in front of me. I looked around, no one. Ok that is definitely it. I feel like I'm being suffocated by insanity. The mental side of me is definitely starting to show. Why the fuck is my reflection looking like that? Why am I not out there in the real world? What is the real world? I can't find any answers. I want my questions answered. Someone answer my fucking questions! LET ME OUT OF HERE! Someone get me out of here! I don't want to be in here anymore.

"It's not about forcing yourself to admit it. It's about letting it out on it's own time", a familiar voice called out.

I turned around. Sapphire met amethyst. There he is, again. So calm, so tranquil and so infuriating. How can he be so calm?

"Stop reading my mind, Hiragizawa-kun. I do not wish to have my privacy to be breeched. It's bad enough that everyone in this nuthouse does", I snapped.

"They mean well, don't they?" he answered.

"Why don't you tell me, Hiragizawa? Since you seem to know so much. Tell me what the fuck am I doing here and tell me, why are you here?!" I yelled.

It felt like everything just wanted to be shouted out. I just wanted to release my anger out. I wanted to get out of this place. I didn't want to be there. I wanted out.

"Breathe Tomoyo, breathe", he said, gathering me in his arms.

I felt his arms encircling me, holding me. I didn't want his pity, I didn't want his sympathy.

"Let me go! Let me GO!" I shouted, struggling to get out of his arms.

"Breathe Tomoyo", he said, locking me in his arms.

"I am fucking breathing, LET ME GO!" I yelled again.

Still, he wouldn't. I felt suffocated. I felt trapped and the next thing I knew, my world went black.

The world seems just like an empty void.

Silent… Silent…

Dark… Lonely…

I can't breathe…

to be continued