Columbo braves an unthinkable monstrosity…at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

Mid 1970s.

"Dad, look, The Giant Dipper! Can we go on it, pleeeease?"

"Go on what, sweetheart?"

Lydia's black pigtails bounced as she tugged on her dad's brown polo sleeve, pointing up at the massive structure towering before them. A weekend family excursion up to San Francisco necessitated a stop at none other than the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. For the lieutenant, all had been fun and games until he stopped and beheld the formidable wooden structure at which his daughter gestured eagerly, deafened by the screams of the riders flying by at highway speeds. He took one glimpse and looked down, his vertigo rearing its head.

"Uh, you w-you wanna go on that big ol' thing?" he stammered, forcing a chuckle. "Are you even tall enough to ride?"

Lydia tilted her head, noticing the color beginning to drain from her father's face.

"I'm almost five feet tall, it's…are you okay, Dad?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Probably all that cotton candy I ate. Hey, uh…looks like fun, kiddo. Tell ya what, Tony, why don't you take your sister?" Tony gave his father a knowing smirk. Like he was about to so easily let his father out of this.

"Please, Dad, I can't be seen on that. The Giant Dipper's for little kids. It doesn't even go upside down." Columbo felt his stomach turn.

"They...make 'em go upside down now?" he said, trying to sound normal. He blinked and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Don't people fall outta those things?"

"They strap you in real tight. They got, like, big loops now, sometimes you even get stuck upside down if there's not enough juice. And some of 'em, they even twist you around like a corkscrew."

"Wicked!" Lydia exclaimed, her little fists balled up. Her father perspired, looking on at her in a mix of awe and fear. Thankfully, he spied Rose approaching with their soft-serve ice cream orders. Perhaps his daughter would forget the whole idea.

"Hey, guys!" Rose chirped, doling out small cups of the frozen treat. She led her family to an open bench nearby. "They ran outta coconut, so I got you orange cream," she said to her husband, who somehow wasn't too nauseous to dig into his favorite treat. Then she turned to Lydia. "What's wicked, sweetie?"

Damn it.

"Tony was talking about this roller coaster that goes upside down and twists you around like a corkscrew!"

"The new one at Knott's? Well, y'know, those things can really make you sick. Your cousin Joey went on it and couldn't walk straight for half an hour. Gotta be careful." Columbo stopped and put down his spoon; his daughter once again did not fail to notice.

"Hey, Mom, will you go on the Giant Dipper with me? Tony doesn't want to and, um…Dad doesn't look so good."

"Sure," she said with a smile, eyeing her husband. "Your father's not the best with this sort of thing. He's got a...shall we say, sensitive tummy."

"Hey, hey, now wait just a minute," he said, trying to quash his queasiness. A new resolve washed over him. Even if that monstrosity ended up making him hurl, he suddenly and for some reason felt indignant-perhaps for his daughter's sake. Quality time with her was hard enough to come by as it was in his line of work, was he going to let her remember him as too delicate, too soft-bellied to accompany her on a mere child's ride? Fat chance. Besides, what was the worst that could happen?

"Yes?"

"I never said I wouldn't take her."

"Oh, get real, Frank," Rose snickered, their son joining in. "You couldn't stomach a seesaw to save your life, let alone a ride like that. You look like you're about to lose your lunch just lookin' at that thing!"

"Well, I'll have you know I will be goin' on that ride, and I'll be just fine, thank you very much. This one dun't even go upside down. Besides, I'll have my little girl with me." He pulled Lydia close to him and she beamed, the two armed with the exact same luminant grin. Rose shook her head.

"Well...your funeral," she replied amusedly, crossing her arms.

"Cool! Let's hurry and get a spot in line!" Lydia said, grabbing her father's hand.

"Now? But we just ate, you sure-oh, boy." He stumbled forward as she yanked him towards the growing line.

"No, no, let's get this straight. My bet was no to vomiting, no to fainting, yes to me havin' to drive back to the hotel," Rose said, ticking the items off on her fingers.

She and Tony remained seated on the bench, waiting for the other two to come off the ride. She peered at him from over the rim of her sunglasses.

"You said no to fainting, but yes to vomiting and no to me havin' to drive back. You also put fifty cents on him sayin' 'Gee, I don't feel so good' afterwards, but you get that money if and only if he says that verbatim. Anything else and it's mine. What, do I have to write this down?"

"I got it, Ma, I got it. You sure you don't wanna up the ante?"

"Up the ante," she grumbled. "Oh, we're bettin' on your father here, for Pete's sake. You're my son, I shouldn't even be encouraging this."

"But you are." Tony replied, stone faced. She made a face and lightly swatted his arm.

"All aboard the Giant Dipper!" the crackly intercom sounded. The riders quickly clambered out of the carts, squealing and laughing, having seemingly had a blast. Amongst the fresh throngs of excited riders rushing towards the roller coaster train, there stood Columbo, frozen.

"Dad?" Lydia asked, tapping him on the back. "It's our turn."

"I'm goin', I'm goin'," he said stiffly, hesitantly entering the car with his daughter. She brought down the lap bar and locked it into place. He tensed.

"See, Dad?" she said, tugging on it. "It's reeeeally tight. We're not gonna fall out, okay?"

"Right. Of course," he replied with a nod, giving the bar a cursory jiggle himself. It did seem sturdy, at least. The intercom hissed alive with another announcement.

"Ensure that all loose articles are secured and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!"

"Hands and feet inside?" Columbo said, trying to make his nervous laughter seem not so nervous. "What, do people lose limbs on this thing?"

"No, Dad, they're just covering their asses. It's fine!" Lydia giggled as she placed her thick glasses in her pocket.

"Right, of course," he said, running his hand down his face. "Wait a sec, covering their asses. Where'd you learn that?"

"Sorry. I...I heard you say it," she said hesitantly. He paused, then grinned and patted her on the back.

"Just don't let your mother hear."

Before long, with another announcement and a steam whistle, off the train lurched, veering into a dark tunnel. And up the giant hill it climbed.

Don't look down.

Steeling himself, his eyes remained open, fixed on the lap bar until the train crested the top of the hill. But just one glimpse of the vast, open expanse at such a height, and they instantly squeezed shut.

Change of plans. Don't look anywhere.

The train plunged. Whoops and hollers from its riders, as well as intense grimacing from one in particular. The sudden low g-force nearly launched his ice cream up then and there, but he held fast. His viscera tumbled like balls in a bingo cage as the car whirled about, up and down hills, banking abruptly. He held onto the bar with white-knuckled force, praying to any and every canonized saint. Cracking open an eyelid, he peeped his daughter next to him. She, conversely, was screaming and laughing maniacally, arms straight up, enthralled with every second.

He shut his eye again. Most certainly, she was made of stronger stuff than he.

The ride leveled out, those horrid twists and turns finally at an end. Mercifully, the ride seemed to be over as quickly as it began. Columbo pried his eyes wide open and took a deep breath, what seemed like the first one since their train launched. They hadn't pulled into the station five seconds when Lydia piped up.

"Oh, Dad, can we go again? Please?"

"Huh?" he croaked, snapping out of his thousand-yard stare as his organs finally stopped spinning, settling back to their rightful places. "A-again? Uhh…lemme, um. Laybe mater."

"What?"

"Maybe later," he mumbled. "I said maybe later. I said that."

Thankfully, his body seemed to reorient as he stepped onto solid ground and began walking. Though sore and a bit jelly-legged, it seemed as though the brunt of it was over. He was not nearly as worse for wear as he'd predicted, let alone doomed to the fate of his gyroscopically-challenged nephew. His stomach was no longer threatening to expel its contents; his dizziness abated somewhat as he walked. Perhaps those rides weren't as intolerable as they looked, after all. His daughter skipped next to him, absolutely radiating happiness. It was worth at least that.

And there sat his wife and son on the bench just across from the exit, waving.

"Over here! How was th…oh my God," Rose said, rising as they drew near. She put a hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh. The children joined in, decidedly less subtle in their cackling.

"Wha?" Columbo said, turning around.

"No, you, your...your hair," she stammered, attempting to smooth it with her hand to no avail. It was well beyond his usual poofy frizz; the high winds had blasted it straight up and out. "You look like you stuck a fork in an outlet." He smiled sheepishly.

"It totally ruled, Mom!" Lydia cried. "And Dad was so cool about it. He didn't scream once, he's such trooper."

"Oh, he's nothing if not," Rose said with a wry grin, turning to her husband. "How'd it go, everything okay? "

"Well, not bad as I thought at least," he said, feeling well enough to take out a new cigar. Already knowing her husband had no flame, Rose took a matchbox out of her purse and lit it for him. "Thank you. Uh, it was tall. It was very fast. I think my colon got rearranged. But to be honest with ya, I didn't see much, really, I shut my eyes for most of it. That mighta' helped."

"Really, I thought you'd be worse off. My God, the way you were swoonin' at that thing."

"Ah, most of that was me gettin' ahead a' myself, you know how I am. I'm not so bad now. Actually," he said, stopping. He winced and rubbed the back of his shoulder. "Actually...geez, my back dun't feel too good. Either that ride's gettin' old, or I am. You didn't happen to bring some aspirin?"

"Think you're in luck, hon'," she said, fishing in her bag. Tony cursed silently as fifty cents narrowly escaped his grasp, his mother sneaking him a devious wink. Columbo noticed, of course, but chose not to inquire. A question for when his back wasn't killing him.

"Y'know, I gotta say, I'm impressed," Rose said, handing him an aspirin. The aching had begun to wax, so he swallowed it dry. "You're handling this awfully well. Come to think of it, you haven't gone on a carnival ride like that since you went on the Coney Island ferris wheel for me on that date. Aw, you were shakin'. 'Memba that?"

"Yes, dear, and you'll also recall that we got stuck on it. At the very top, I might add, for over half an hour. Quite frankly, it's the only one of our dates I wish I didn't remember." She chuckled and put an arm around the small of his back as they resumed their promenade.

"Say," she said, looking to round off her parlay. "Shall I drive us back to the hotel?"

"Yeah? You don't mind?" Columbo asked.

"Figure I give you a break, after goin' on that thing."

"Well, I'm not too beat up, but, uh...I'm not gonna say no. I'll take you up on that." Rose stuck her hand out behind her husband's back and felt loose change from her disgruntled son hit her palm.