Thanks for the encouragement! Since my chapters have been following Mulan so far, I wrote this chapter brings you up-to-date with what Shang had been doing. I hope it's not too much of a shocker…. After all, he's a rich, good-looking guy from a well-respected family—how could he have not had a betrothed or a girlfriend?
After Shang came back from Mulan's village…
The Sui household had been on its feet all day with servants nervously bustling about while the anxious Sui Liyong, great nobleman and head of the house, barked out orders and demanded perfection. Scents of fragrant jasmine rice and roasted duck and vegetables emanated throughout the house. Sui Mingwei had her servants hovering over her, primping and preparing her. Li Shang was having dinner with them, and everything had to be perfect.
Before the war, Li Shang had courted Sui Mingwei. They were passionately in love with one another, and with a goodbye kiss he promised that he'd return to her. She had stayed faithful to him all this time, despite her friends' urgings to move on. She was nearly twenty and almost beyond marrying age, her friends told her over and over. But now Li Shang was going to marry her, and she could not stop smiling. Tonight was the night he would ask her father for her hand. But right now, all she could wish for was to be in Shang's arms once again.
A servant appeared at her doorway, notifying her that Li Shang was already in the house. She had the servants stop fixing her makeup, she took one last look in the mirror, and she raced out of her room to meet Shang. He stood there at the entrance in a distinguished blue outfit, talking to her father Sui Liyong. Liyong stopped talking midsentence, and he walked to his daughter's side.
Mingwei's heart swelled with emotion at sight of her beloved. At that moment she loathed all decorum and propriety, because all she wanted was to wrap her arms around Shang. When her father had his back turned to lead them back into the house, she held his hand. His warm touch filled her with happiness she had not had for the past few months.
The rest of the Sui family excitedly welcomed him back, but there was little time for the small talk that came before meals were served. Just as they entered the dining room Sui Liyong gave a pompous clap, whereupon his servants appeared from a single entranceway connecting the kitchen and dining room, and they carried the entrees in such a spectacle. Although Shang's diet for several months had been primarily soupy rice and an occasional dumpling, he did not feel any better when he saw the food brought in. He was nervous, and it showed among the Sui family.
"How have you been, Shang?" Liyong repeated. " Mingwei and I want to hear all about your adventures."
Shang told them about Wu Zhong camp, and he told them about the avalanche in the mountains that brought down many of the Huns. He skipped over his discovery of Mulan, and he went on to describe the capture in the palace.
"Father and I were there!" Mingwei cried. "We saw that horrible man. He was so scary, and I could barely see Fa Mulan up on the roof. It looked like one of those elaborate shows, especially with all the fireworks at the end. And, I thought that she would fall also. Good thing that you were there to break her fall."
"She's an amazing person," Shang said while putting another serving of rice on his plate.
"Don't let her take all the credit," Liyong said. "After all, it was your training and leadership that got her that far. Your father always said you could turn the wimpiest of boys into men. I'm sure he wouldn't have been surprised to hear that you were able to shape up that girl to be the hero of China."
Shang smiled to hear Sui Liyong's comments. Mingwei, who was seated next to Shang, tenderly laid her hand atop his. Because this was done under the dinner table, Shang did his best not to react or reveal their closeness to her father, who was seated opposite him. They had done this many times before without getting caught, and they would let their fingers play with one another's, but as comforting as her intentions were, Shang withdrew his hand from hers. A hurt look flashed across her face.
They finished their dinners and were able to continue with the conversation of Shang's victory. Liyong was proud and eager to congratulate him, as were Lady Sui and Mingwei's siblings, though Mingwei's congratulations were more subdued. She still dwelt on the fact that he retracted from her touch. Soon enough a servant approached Sui Liyong with a message. He excused himself from the table, and Mingwei took the opportunity to lead Shang outside, where they could take a walk in the moonlight, as they had done several times before.
They both instinctively headed for a familiar spot behind a tree, well-hidden from the eyes of others. Only when they were both seated at the base of the tree did she begin to unload her mind.
She was no longer smiling, and he could tell by the tone of her voice that she was upset. "Why are you acting so differently now?" Mingwei asked.
Shang looked up to see her face. What moonlight penetrated through the leaves of the tree showed the worry in her countenance. He was just as worried as she was, because he felt he was a stranger. He hardly knew his own feelings on anything anymore, and he had used to be so sure on everything.
"Has the war changed you this much?" Mingwei asked, the stifled sobs apparent in her voice. "You retract from my touch, you don't return my kisses. You used to be so passionate with me."
"What should I do, Mingwei?" Shang exclaimed. He had never raised his voice to her before, and he knew he had frightened her, so he calmed down before speaking again. "Things can't be as they were."
"You don't love me anymore?" Mingwei said between sobs. "Am I not good enough for you now?! You said you'd always love me! You said you would return to me."
Shangs silence only increased her anxiety. Mingwei cried, "We were supposed to get married once you returned, you promised me! I have stayed true to you all this time."
"Mingwei," Shang said in a soothing manner, "I'm sorry. Right now, there are just too many things I need to work out on my own."
"So, am I not on your list of priorities anymore?" Mingwei caustically replied.
"I love you, Mingwei, you know that. I don't want to lose you," Shang answered. He hated seeing her cry. He had never seen her cry before. "Will you wait for me, just a little while longer?"
Mingwei used the inner lining of her sleeves to wipe her tears. She was satisfied to know that he still needed her, but her friends' voices kept nagging at her mind. You're not getting any younger… "All of my friends are either engaged or married already. Shang, I love you too, but my father is getting worried that you have courted me for so long and not yet asked for my hand. And, all my friends are calling me old maid now. I know they're joking, but it hurts me, Shang. I know that you will sort things out eventually, but if you know that you'll be asking for my hand eventually, why would you not ask now?"
Shang felt that he should comply to Mingwei and present the proposition to Sui Liyong, but he could not shake the fact that he felt so distanced from his life before the war. "Are you saying that you won't wait for me if I don't?" Shang asked.
Mingwei started crying again. "You don't want to ask for my hand, do you? You say you love me, and you say you don't want to lose me, so how much harder is it to ask my father? And, it hurts so much, because I love you, Shang. It hurts that you tell me things are different, and I don't know how much the war has changed you. I will love you no matter what, and you told me the same before you left. But, have you become so different that you are beyond loving me?"
Tears welled up in his eyes as she went on, and each drop burned as it rolled down his cheek. He grabbed her and held her close. "I'm sorry, Mingwei," he whispered. He kissed her, reminiscent of their kisses before the war. She loved him so much that she willed herself to believe that his kiss was still the same, but Shang knew better. He used to feel joy and happiness when he kissed her, and now, all he could feel were that her lips were pressed against his.
***
It was not long before the Sui household was filled with shouts of joy and happiness, for their eldest daughter was to be married. Sui Liyong hugged Li Shang, while Lady Sui wept with her daughter tears of happiness. Mingwei's siblings were also waiting their turns to hug both Shang and Mingwei.
All the way home Shang felt tormented. He had looked forward to that night from the moment the war started, and he intended to talk to Sui Liyong about marrying Mingwei that night. However, seeing her again did not invoke the feelings of passion he once had for her. He still cared for her deeply, but did he love her? Shang never lied to her before, but he questioned the sincerity of his words to her. He wondered if he could love her again, or if he had loved her at all.
For many nights afterwards, Shang could not sleep. More and more questions filled his head, and he became frustrated that he did not know the answer. He was always so sure of himself before—how could he be so full of doubt now?
He had heard many stories of how soldiers come back and have to readjust to their old lifestyle, so Shang hoped that within a few weeks, he would be back to his old self. He visited Mingwei every day, and he brought her little presents. Shang did everything he could, from corny little notes to loving kisses, hoping it would awaken his seemingly dormant affection for his sweetheart. Mingwei was thrilled of the showering of his attentions, and she soon became the envy of all her friends. Something inside of her told her that Shang's attentions were forced, and she did feel uncomfortable that their meetings, which used to be filled with hours of conversation on anything, turned into small talk. Mingwei attempted many times to ask what happened at Wu Zhong and Tung Shao.
"Every night I before I would go to sleep, I would pray to the ancestors that I would be able to hold you in my arms once again," Shang replied.
Still, something in Mingwei told her that Shang was still the same, but she wanted so much to believe Shang's words and his expressions of love that she felt satisfied with his response, and she told that something inside of her to shut up. And soon enough, that nagging voice no longer existed, and happy thoughts of marriage and raising a family that filled her head during the day transferred to hopeful dreams of someday sharing his bed.
And, over those two weeks that Shang did everything he could to convince himself that he was in love, Shang's head only filled with more doubtful thoughts. He had never seen her so happy in his life, and he wondered why he wasn't happy that she was happy.
When he was not with Mingwei, he would visit his cousin Yuri. Yuri was a few years older than he was. They were playmates growing up, since their mothers would often get together and talk. Li Zongan, Shang's father, was very much against any sort of get-togethers with his younger brother's family. Zongan had cut off Shuo, his younger brother, from the Li family long ago.
Shuo used to be a very prominent general. He was even more astute of a military leader than Zongan. During Shuo's conquests in Northern China and Mongolia, he had found the love of his life in a Russian peasant. Despite the protests of his older brother Zongan, he brought the Russian woman back with him to China as his bride. For this action he was ostracized in the severest degree. He was, at the time, still betrothed to the daughter of a prominent official, and having married a foreigner with no connections or wealth lost him many friends. He lost his ranking in the military and eventually gave up high society altogether.
Li Hai-Ping, Li Zongan's wife, disregarded her husband's orders and visited Shuo and his wife and son Yuri anyway, and she brought Shang along. Shang and his foreign-looking cousin became playmates, and this bond between them remained long after their childhood. They became the best of friends, much to Li Zongan's chagrin. He very much disapproved of their friendship, and he even forbade Shang from seeing his cousin. This however had no effect on the two cousins, since they would secretly meet anyway.
Yuri had in recent years taken up painting portraits of the very people who alienated his father, all as a means to have some money. He was in a somewhat humiliating position, having to take orders from and put up with these people; however, his foreign looks and the reputation of his disgraceful conception had worked in his favor. The sons and daughters of the elite were more accepting of his illicit upbringing—he became friends of many a socialite's son, and he had his way with many a dignitary's daughter.
Shang arrived at Yuri's modest house at the edge of the city, hoping Yuri would have some solution to one of the many questions that aggravated his sleepless nights.
"If a man takes it upon himself to perform surgery on another man, does that make him a doctor?" Yuri asked. "You are acting like a man in love, hoping that feeling will follow, but it doesn't work that way. If you want to be in love, your best bet is to start over with her."
"But I'm already engaged to her," Shang said. "It's too late to start over."
Yuri laughed loudly, but seeing Shang's tortured look quieted him a bit. "I don't understand. What happened to 'I can't live without her,' or the 'I want her to be the mother of my children' talk? Don't you still love her?"
"I do... love her," Shang said. "She's perfect. I'm just not so sure now if I want her as my wife."
Yuri shook his head. "You're crazy. She's gorgeous, and she's loyal to you, and she's rich."
Shang put his head down in guilt. Yuri then offered a remedy. "I think, you are just afraid of the commitment, that you'll mess up or something. What about you just screw some girl, get all these feelings out? Then, you'll realize what a treasure Mingwei is."
"Screwing some random girl is your solution to everything," said Shang, shaking his head. "I couldn't do that to Mingwei."
"Men are allowed to do these things," Yuri explained. "Everyone knows it. As long as you are not married, you are allowed to sleep with whomever you want. All women know this too-- they just deny it."
Shang adamantly shook his head. Yuri thought for a moment, then said, "Maybe your work is taking your focus away from her. You ought to take a break for a little bit."
"My duty is to protect China," Shang answered almost mechanically. "I can't just 'take a break.'"
"I don't understand how someone as rich as you still feels the need to risk your life," Yuri commented. "You only do that when you have nothing to lose."
"I think that when your freedom and country are at stake-- when you have everything to lose," Shang said, "you don't have a choice."
Yuri said smiling. "I have just solved your problem." Yuri took a dramatic pause to entice Shang. "You're problem is that you come from a family with a strong lineage. You have made yourself a legend by winning this war. And now, you are engaged to this beautiful woman." He took another dramatic pause. "You're life has become perfect, and you're afraid of ruining it all!" Yuri said, still going with his idea. "A lifetime of happiness is at your feet, but you're too afraid to pick it up."
"That is not true!" Shang exclaimed, trying to get his point across to Yuri. "It's everything I could ever want! I want to be happy, and I'm not afraid."
"Maybe then," Yuri began, trying to alter his theory, "you don't think you'll be happy with Mingwei. Maybe something better came along." another dramatic pause. "You found something that you think could make you happier… maybe you found someone that you think could make you happier."
Soon afterwards, Shang left his cousin's house for the palace, because the Emperor invited him to sit in on a council meeting. That's when he saw Mulan again and found out about her new position in the Palace. For the first time in two weeks, he was able to sleep peacefully. He forgot about his conflicted feelings for Mingwei, and he anticipated being able to see Mulan again. He couldn't wait to introduce Mulan to everyone, and he was especially hopeful that Mingwei and Mulan would become the best of friends.