"So he said to me, 'It's impossible to prove that Christianity is true. Someone would have to live forever, and it would take forever to live forever. How do you get around that?' And I said to him, 'You're on your way to hell.' I guess that answered his question, because he had nothing else to say."
Two more hours had passed, and Homer was becoming increasingly bored with Ned's stories.
"I'm thirsty," he complained. "I could sure use a Duff."
"I could use something too," Flanders admitted.
"There's nobody at the Kwik-E-Mart," said Homer. "If I went in and got a six-pack without paying for it, would that be stealing?"
"Yes," said Flanders without hesitation.
"Even if we're the only people left on Earth?"
"Yes."
Homer thought for a moment. "Adam and Eve didn't have to pay for all the fruit they ate," he observed.
"That's different," said Flanders. "God commanded them to eat the fruit—except for the forbidden fruit. I guess He was saving that for Himself."
"What if we really are the last people on Earth?" Homer mused darkly.
"Then it's the end of everything," Flanders reflected.
"There's gotta be somebody left besides us," said Homer, standing up. "Come on, Flanders, let's go."
"We can't."
"Why not?"
"We're waiting for someone to come through the blobby wavy thingamawhatsit and help us."
"For the last time," Homer snapped, "it's an interdimensional rift! Get it right, Flanders!"
He sat down, and they both sighed.
"Even if there are other humans left," said Flanders, "how will we survive? There are no birds, no insects. The ecosystem's been thrown out of balance."
"We'll be all right as long as the beer stays cold," said Homer.
----
"It's definitely sentient," said Professor Frink, glancing over the display panel on his scientific instrument. "It appears to be the projection of a hyperdimensional being into our three-dimensional space."
"In English," Bart requested.
"That was English," Lisa chided him. "Yeesh! Get a language."
"If it's intelligent," said Marge, "then maybe we can talk to it, and find out what happened to my Homie."
"Exactly what I was thinking," Frink agreed. Walking up to the surface of the eerie cloud, he said, "Ng'hoy. I am Professor John Frink of the planet Earth, in the Milky Way galaxy, in the dimension known as…our dimension. Please identify yourself."
Silence poured forth from the blob.
"Allow me to make a universal gesture of peace and good will," said Bart as he bent over and prepared to drop his pants.
"No, don't offend it," Frink warned him. "If it becomes angry, it may grow larger, and possibly devour the entire planet."
"Maybe Homer said something to offend it," Marge suggested. "He was having a pretty heated argument."
"What was the last thing Homer said before he disappeared?" asked Frink.
Marge scratched her chin. "Hmm…let's see…"
----
Another hour passed. The sun was beginning to set.
"I'm hungry," said Homer's stomach.
"I'm hungry too," said Homer's brain.
"For once we're all in agreement," said Homer. "Come on, Flanders, let's go rustle up some grub."
"But we can't leave," Ned insisted. "Someone could come through the rift at any moment."
"We don't want to be dead of starvation when they get here," Homer groused.
As they sat on the curb in bored silence, two female voices wafted through the semi-darkness into their ears.
"Did you hear that?" said Flanders. "Women! We're not alone! The human race won't become extinct!"
"One of them better be Marge," said Homer peevishly.
"You're close," came a gruff woman's voice.
"Oh, no…" groaned Homer. Patty and Selma were strolling along the street toward him, smoking profusely.
"Good news and bad news," Selma told Patty. "There are two men left on the planet, but one of them's Homer."
"You can have the one with the moustache," Patty responded. "I just decided I'm gay."
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse," Homer lamented. "This is like being in hell."
"I'll say," said Patty. "There's only one other woman on Earth, and she's straight."
"Maybe you're right, Homer," said Flanders darkly. "Maybe we are in hell."
"Stupid hell!" Homer bellowed. "I hate hell! I want to go home! HOME!"
----
Marge's face lit up. "I remember. The last thing he said was, 'You and Patty and Selma are trying to make my life hell.'"
While Frink reflected on her statement, Homer materialized on the street before him, arms raised in a pose of despair.
"Homie!" exclaimed Marge, running into his arms.
"I'm back," Homer exulted. "I thought I'd never see you again."
"Dad!" cried Bart and Lisa, hurrying to embrace him.
"Where were you?" asked Marge between eager kisses.
"I was in an awful, terrible place," Homer replied. "A place where you kids will end up if you don't go to church every Sunday."
"Where's Ned?" Marge wanted to know.
Homer looked about. "Huh? He didn't come back with me?"
Marge and the kids searched the block with their eyes, but saw no sign of Flanders.
"Wait a minute," Homer said to his wife. "Maybe that wasn't really him. My idea of hell is being alone forever with Flanders and your sisters, but maybe his idea of hell is something else."
----
Ned Flanders stood wearing nothing but his glasses in the midst of a roaring fire, his ankles chained to a nearby cavern wall. All around him, similarly undressed people were shrieking in agony as the flames seared them to the bone.
"More brimstone, Ned?" offered Satan as he strolled past with a huge, steaming bag under one arm.
"I've got plenty, thanks," said Flanders with a grin, but the Evil One emptied his entire load on the man nonetheless. "Ooch! Dumb diddly devil."
----
THE END