Summary: Jacob is back again, more than ever Sam needs his words.
FULLY BETAD- Thanks again to Naliza... you STAR...
Disclaimer is a GIVEN. I OWN NOTHING. damn.
For the lack of him By Athena
She hadn't uttered even a single vowel in the 18 minutes that they'd sat opposite one another. Her eyes had avoided his, lips pursed and resistant to his words, hands tapping slowly on her coffee mug as she stared out the window, wondering how long the world would wait for her...
"Sam?" Suddenly, his patience grew thin.
"Hmmm...what?"
"Are you going to talk about what's wrong?" His tone lowered, half way between warning but closer to concern for a child of his that wasn't quite being herself. Only then did it dawn on him how much of her mother she had in her. Her eyes, lips, hair...temperament, the way she stood and laughed.
In truth, he wasn't blind to the reasoning behind her subdued behavior. You'd have to be blind not to notice the gap that was present in her, her team and her work.
"You know, when you're mother was still alive there were certain things of her I missed out on. I didn't always noticed the special things that made her sparkle, her laugh, intuition, grace and especially the way she could make something out of nothing...you tend to miss the smaller things only when they're gone."
"Dad. Don't, okay." Both hands rising, she knew in an instant what he was hinting at. The way that he emphasized 'miss' wasn't only in reference to her mother and she knew it. It infuriated because she knew what his intentions were. His eyes where trying to get over a point that she wasn't as willing to listen to. She missed him, but that was it. No more. No less.
"Okay, I'm just saying. I'm your father and...It's my job to worry about you."
"He always said that was his job... when you weren't here."
"And it was. Look, Sam I worry that once again you're going to bury yourself in everything around you, including your work, to make up for something that you've lost, or think you've lost."
"Can we talk about something else, please?"
She really was getting angry at him. Along with the sleep deprivation and racing headache, she was just about ready to walk out on her father.
"Daniel tells me you haven't slept all week. He's worried about you. So is Teal'c."
"They do that...a lot since..."
He nodded in understanding. "How's Cassie?"
"She misses her mom. A lot. I...I haven't told her about the Colonel...she's away a lot, you know?"
"You're going to have to tell her Sam."
"I will find a way to get him back."
"And you need to talk to someone."
"For cryin' out loud, will you cut it out?" The words he noticed were Jack's and yet said in her adopted tone.
"Not until you realize what you're doing, Sam. This is important."
"What am I doing Dad? Huh?"
"Do you love him?"
"I...I don't know anymore. I did... It's all muddled now. Between us, I'm not sure if I'm...I just, don't know. I just wish I had the time to figure that out, but now, I have more than enough to deal with." Returning from her inner turmoil, she caught sight of her father's mixed expression. "What?"
"I was talking about Pete. But I guess you've already answered the question. Listen Sam, I love you...but are you sure you're with this guy, Pete, because you want to be, or not just because you think you have to be."
His words should have been carved in stone somewhere, for all the wisdom that seemed to be held in them. For a second, and maybe for the first time, she felt young and juvenile and....lost.
"You know, you told me to do it."
"I told you to do what?"
"Make myself happy. You told me that I should find someone to love that can love me back." Every word of hers was said with pain and trepidation, fear that she wasn't really doing this to make herself as happy as she could be. "But, you didn't really say all of that..." Realization dawned on her.
"No, I didn't."
All this time she'd followed the voices inside her head, intent in thinking that they were the voices of the people in question. What her dad said to her may not have counted, meaning that her conversation with the Colonel was less than viable.
How could she have been so short sighted, so intent on making herself believe that was what she wanted, when she didn't even know herself?
A lump rose in her throat and immediately she felt the need to choke. Not just on her lack of sleep, lack of air, or lack of self awareness, even the lack of words,
But for the lack of him.
"I'm going to tell Cassie...but in good time. After her mother, she doesn't need to hear about the Colonel...You know how close they were...I can't take that away from her."
"You still should have told her."
"I know." She whispered the words almost, gazing at her father through blurry pupils. "I just wish I didn't have to."
"I....I miss him Dad."
"I know Sam, I know."
Feed would be the cherry :D ATHENA
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