Eddie held my eyes and my hands in his for a few moments and I could see his brain working at double speed, trying to prioritise what to ask first. I let him think and started working on breathing exercises that I'd learned in therapy for when I'm about to talk about the worst part of my life. A couple minutes later Eddie stroked the back of my hand, pulling my attention back to him, "Where do you wanna draw the line with the kinky stuff? I swear whatever you choose is fine with me, I'm a novice anyway." His lighthearted joke at the end made me huff a little with laughter. "You can spank me but I'm not into just being slapped or hit. That's how the abuse from Billy started out, he'd slap me across the face really hard and pass it off as rough sex, without even asking me first." I replied, surprised at how assertive and confident my voice sounded as I continued, "I've been choked properly before and I'm pretty into it, but only if you can do it properly, it's supposed to be a pleasurable pressure, not crushing my windpipe. Billy could never do it properly and didn't care anyway, there were times I thought I was gonna die he choked me so badly...actually did pass out a couple times." I almost zoned out into a memory of Billy towering above me in the backseat of his car, crushing my throat with both of his hands as I lay there half naked and losing consciousness; Eddie's voice reeled me out of it though. "I know how to do it properly, I mean, I do it to myself." Eddie's cheeks were flushing pink as he admitted to choking himself when he jerked off. The mental image alone had me biting my lower lip, "That's pretty hot Munson..." I gasped. Eddie leaned forward to kiss me deeply but briefly, smiling as he pulled away, "We are having a very important adult conversation here Wheeler, compose yourself."
Taking a couple of breaths, I carried on, "You can cuff me and tie me up but please don't leave the room, I need you to stay there with me. He also started out shackling me to his bed or the shower with cable ties during sex, and just leaving me there afterwards. Then he moved onto going to work whilst I was stuck there." The confident and assertive tone in my voice had disappeared now, replaced by a slightly shaky and monotonous one. Eddie's hands gently clasped my shoulders as he brought me towards him and held me to his chest. "We don't have to keep talking about this, I don't want you to re-live anymore of it." There was a tinge of anger and disgust to Eddie's voice, but I knew it wasn't aimed at me. Against his solid chest I let my body relax, slumping in his arms and inhaling his rustic scent. "No - it's okay - I'm okay. I've only ever mentioned this a therapist before, but I want you to know because at some point during sex I'll probably have a panic attack because of a memory of him. I also want you to know why I don't trust anyone who isn't my family or Robin and Steve, or you." I was barely taking any breaths as I tripped over my words, "I need you to know that I zone out when something triggers a memory of him, and I feel like I'm back there in that moment. I need you to know how paranoid I am that he's still close by somewhere keeping tabs on me - when I'm home alone I feel him watching me. I need you to know how broken I am so you can decide if you actually want to be with me, because it won't be easy." I hadn't realised how tense my body had become or how shaky my hands were until Eddie tightened his grip and lowered his head to the crook of my neck, nuzzling me and softly rubbing my spine. He held me that way for an eternity, gently swaying us and humming into my ear, "You aren't broken Rain; he broke you and you rebuilt yourself, sure there are still a few cracks, but you're not broken. I'm really glad you trust me enough to tell me everything. I'm not going anywhere - like I told you in the cemetery, you're stuck with me now." Eddie's words cut through my anxieties and I felt a few tears slip down my cheek, getting squashed by Eddie's chest.