Title: How Distasteful!

Summary: Yuffie's stupidity is going to cause her more than one headache...

Pairing(s): Cloud/Tifa (implied), Vincent/Yuffie/Cid. Yeah, you read that right.

Rating: PG-13, may increase. Not likely.

Additional info: Working off some writer's block.Intended to be three chapters (subject to change). Another author on this site already did this idea, and I am blatantly inspired (read: ripping him/her off. Many apologies.) by their boldness in pairingthe moody vampire/Goth/whiner with the stock chainsmoking loudmouth (with optional heart of gold) with arguably the most annoying character in the entire game and somehow implying that these people actually want to have sex, even under the influence.Takes guts, I tell ya.

Feedback: Yes, please! Feel free to flame, though you'll likely just get a sarcastic response. Put very politely, of course.

It had been a long day, and Yuffie Kisaragi was tired. Whipped. Even her legs had the nerve to complain as she dragged herself into the hotel room at Costa del Sol, and that never happened. No matter how worn the rest of her body was, she had never worried about her legs aching. But ache they did. Damn it.

This latest of their quests was ridiculous. Who in their right mind give a good damn about defeating 'Emerald Weapon'? Cloud, that's who. So they had spent entirely too much time searching for the Ghost Ship to metamorph and...she shook her head. It was too stupid to bother remembering. Remembering anything about the entire wretched day was out of the question. She wanted a drink.

She was only sixteen. Double damn.

Slinging her oversized shuriken onto a chair, she stomped down the hall, needing to speak with one of her teammates. Her roommate was out on the town, or more likely curled up on the sidewalk; being a cat, Nanaki enjoyed basking in the sun. He also liked wreaking havoc in the alleys at night, like most toms.

Cloud and Tifa, predictably enough, wanted to share a room. And they – or actually, Tifa – were equally as firm that they should not be interrupted that evening. 'Cloud's had a long day. He needs his rest.' Judging from the telltale sounds of squeaking springs, there was very little rest going on in there.

She rapped quietly on Barrett's door, but stopped upon hearing a deep voice murmur, and a much higher one answer. Barrett always requested a room with Cait Sith, and it had been some time before anyone was able to find out why. The truth was, Barrett had always had less than evil feelings towards Reeve, and ever since leaving Midgar and Marlene, he found Reeve to be more useful than ever: one overheard conversation provided enough impetus for the Shinra executive to visit Marlene and let her speak to her daddy at least twice weekly.

Yuffie sighed. There was no reason to bother him when all she wanted to do was get drunk off her ass, and hopefully talk someone else into paying the bill. Besides, Barrett was notoriously cheap. She needed someone with a looser grip on the purse strings.

There were only two options left. She hesitated as she approached their door. Were they even in?

"Come in, Yuffie."

Sufficiently startled to all hell, she jumped back, failing to knock as she scrambled to collect her wits. Friggin' superhuman hearing or something...She opened the heavy door with her slim shoulder.

Vincent laid on the side of the king bed facing the rough wooden wall, facing away from her. He didn't bother to look up as she came in. "Whatever it is, the answer is 'no'."

"But I just want –"

"Did you hear me?"

"– to get a drink."

He pointed to a bottle of spring water on the dresser. "Will that do?"

"How 'bout 'no'?"

He flipped over, clearly exasperated. "If you want a drink, what do you need me for?"

"See..." Now came anxious shuffling of feet and much hemming and hawing. "I'm not quite old enough to sit in the bar alone." Seeing his mouth purse in disgust, she rushed on. "I'm sore as hell! If I don't get a drink tonight, I won't be able to relax tonight, and I won't be any good in the morning!"

"And getting drunk is more desirable, how?..."

She was getting nowhere. Playing her trump, she stomped her foot and pouted. "C'mon!"

Vincent eyed her coldly for a few moments before sighing in a very longsuffering manner. "Fine. You're responsible for any bad consequences that come of this."

Vodka and fruit juice weren't a bad combination, Yuffie thought as she allowed the cold liquid to wash over her tongue. Vincent was equally wrapped in silent contemplation of his own drink. Who the hell would have though that a guy like him drank banana daiquiris? He toyed with the umbrella, watching it make swirls in the snowy foam. She struggled with the urge to laugh.

He drummed his claw on the table, making gouges in the wood. Behind the bar, Yuffie noticed the barkeeper cringe.

With a sudden change of heart, Vincent downed the entire drink in four seconds without the need for a second gulp. He waggled a pale finger without looking behind him. "One of more of those, please."

"Yes, sir," the barkeep said as he slung ice into the blender.

Midway into their binge, the quiet pair was accosted by a man that neither of them recognized. This could be attributed to their level of drunkenness. Or maybe they really were that stupid. Nonetheless, they let him sit and drink with them, and neither of them willing to start up a conversation, the guest took it on himself to provide enough rattling for the three of them.

Yuffie really didn't remember opening her mouth, really she didn't, but clearly she said something that didn't sit well with at least one of the men. Or maybe it did. She wasn't quite sure. She did remember floating up the stairs in a gauzy daze and stumbling into her room, though the sheets smelled a little different. Maybe Nanaki had come in and lay down on the bed for a while?

A warm, slight, moist sensation at the base of her neck surprised her, and she rolled, a little too quickly. Giggling as she regained her balance by reaching out and grabbing the first thing within arm's reach, she was a little surprised to feel strands of silk. Silk? Must've been hair. It didn't matter. The silky mass moved of its own accord in her hands, slipping, sliding through her fingers, and she found her mouth captured.

And then there were more soft, warm tingles all over, from her ear lobes to her ankles. More silk against her cold fingers, sometimes heavy and lush, sometimes more fine. She was puzzled, but her body refused to dwell on it along with her mind, and she was borne up, engulfed in wave after wave of sweetness as she felt a sharp stabbing and a trickle of sticky fluid. Am I being mugged? Damn, it's pretty fun!

It didn't matter.

A pair of talented hands skimmed her slim body, creating gooseflesh. More warmth, slowly building up in her pelvis until...her hands moved down, tangled in the mass of silken threads. She cried out as her hips arched. Or perhaps she hadn't made a sound, screaming silently with an open mouth. It didn't matter.

The morning dawned as all mornings dawn in Costa del Sol, muggy from the nearby ocean. Yuffie sat up slowly, unaccustomed to the smell of salt in the air. She wrinkled her nose distastefully. How horrible! How do people stand it here? Shuffling to get out of bed, she bumped into an obstacle, a muscular, if pale, body with a claw attached.

She gulped and decided to go the other way. Unfortunately for her sanity, that route was also blocked by a body, this one hard and tanned and smelling of cigarettes.

And then the entire hotel got the benefit of her discovery, as she screamed like hell.

A/N: Yes, I know she's underage. That's why this is fanfiction and not Squaresoft canon. laff Oh, yeah, don't own, just playing nicely, will put them away when done, blah blah blah.