Chapter 15

"What do I say to him?" Daphne buried her face in her hands. She was sitting on the couch in Gloria's office as they went over the events of the night before, and her continued hesitation about taking things further despite wanting to. Really, really wanting to.

Gloria leaned forward, finger pressed to her mouth, thoughtful. She was an older woman, possibly late 50's or early 60's. Her grey hair was cut short, and she wore colorful blouses with chunky earrings and bracelets. Daphne had felt comfortable with her from the get go, and the ability to call her by her first name instead of Dr Sinclair meant that it felt like she was speaking to a friend, rather than a therapist.

Though, Gloria was good at keeping that patient/therapist line clear regardless.

"What do you want to say to Niles?" Gloria put the question back on Daphne.
"I don't know! I don't want to hurt his feelings. I mean, I know he doesn't mean it. And he'd be devastated to know how I feel."
"Do you think he'd be more upset thinking that you can't communicate with him about this?"
"Well, yes. I mean, I would. But I don't know if he wants someone like me. I mean, what if I can't live up to what he thinks I am?"
"That's a natural fear that everyone had. No one ever wants to disappoint anyone, and we often hold ourselves to how other perceive us."

Daphne looked down, playing with the hem of her shirt. What Gloria said was true, it wasn't just Niles who Daphne did this with. She'd done it all her life. Trying to be a better daughter, sister, employee, friend, lover. It was tiring at times. Gloria made a couple of notes as she continued.

"How do you think you'll disappoint him?"

Daphne didn't know. It was just an overall feeling, a feeling of not being good enough. She explained this to Gloria.

"Again, that's a common feeling. Even if you're not in a relationship where the other person has potentially built up an unhealthy image of you. Speaking of, you had mentioned that you feel like there has been some progress, that you don't think he's just seeing the version of you he's invented."

Daphne nodded.

"We've been talking. And I think, especially yesterday, that he's seeing the real me."
"And he still wants the real version of you?"
"I think so... But what if he thinks I'm something I'm not?"

Gloria smiled gently.

"Well, I guess the best place to start is work out what Niles is expecting from you, from this relationship. What do you think Niles wants?"
"I don't know. Someone more sophisticated. Someone who likes opera, and knows about wine and art. Someone who is able to fit in with his high society friends."
"Didn't he have all that with Mel? And yet he chose you."

She had a point. But Daphne wasn't ready to let go of that insecurity yet.

"I know I've already disappointed him by not liking opera. And I'm sure there are other things that I've let him down with too. Or, if not yet, I will..."
"He's still with you, despite this. Obviously there is something Niles is getting from his relationship with you, something that you are fulfilling. And I don't think it's got to do with your knowledge or opinion of opera or art."
"But, shouldn't we have things in common? Like the same things?"
"Are you saying you don't?"

Gloria looked at her. Daphne went to say no, but hesitated, thinking about it more.

"Well... We do have a similar sense of humor. And similar values - like with family, or trying to do the right thing... There are things we enjoy that overlap - movies, for example. Dancing." Daphne smiled warmly as she continued, thinking about Niles. 'We are both romantics at heart..."

Both stubborn, yet patient. He's so understanding. Am I that understanding?

"That seems like quite a few things in common. Some very important things too."
"I guess..."
"You still seem to have some hesitancy about this. Let's explore why."

Gloria leaned back in her chair and flicked through her notes from her previous sessions with Daphne.

"We've discussed how Niles may be holding you at arms length in this relationship by holding on to a fantasy version of yourself. By looking at you through this lens, he's essentially trying to remove anything that might cause this relationship to fail. Think of them as 'love goggles'.

"And Daphne, you're doing a similar thing, by already deciding that you can't possibly be good enough. Obviously, you can't compete with a perfect, flawless version of yourself, so you're trying to keep Niles at arms length to ensure he doesn't discover that you aren't perfect."

Daphne nodded, feeling emotional.

"So, subconsciously you've been trying to match what you do know of how Niles sees you, but you're not able to fully commit to being your true self in this relationship." Gloria frowned. "I'm afraid it's not a very healthy relationship dynamic."
"So, you think we aren't going to work out?" Daphne didn't like where this was going.
"Only if nothing changes. The relationship won't work out if the two of you keep avoiding these issues. You've mentioned you've been trying to discuss what he might have fantasied about in the past about a relationship with you. What you need to discuss is what your expectations are now. What does Niles expect? And what do you expect? Without laying things out, you're going to be stuck in a stalemate, which is only going to cause a bigger divide between the two of you."

The prospect of discussing what Gloria was proposing with Niles scared Daphne.

"What if we can't meet those expectations? What if it doesn't work out?"
"Well, it's better to find out sooner rather than later."
"But... we both gave up a lot to be together. What if we gave that up for nothing?"
"Do you think you would have been happy if you never took that chance?"

Daphne shook her head slowly.

"No. There would have always been a question at the back of my mind."
"Then it wasn't for nothing, even if it doesn't work out. But, you'll have a similar regret if you don't communicate your concerns. Discuss your expectations. Embrace the relationship with open eyes and minds. Be honest."
"And if it doesn't work out?"
"At least then you won't have the question of 'what if' at the back of your mind."

The afternoon seemed to drag on for Niles. He had signed and returned the divorce papers to his lawyers to be served on Mel. The papers themselves were extremely straight forward, splitting everything back as it was before they married. Neither party would be getting anything from the other. It felt too simple to Niles, whose frame of reference was his long, drawn out divorce with Maris, with countless assets on both sides haggled and weaponized, mostly against him. But this time around, it should be straight forward. They hadn't lived together. Their finances were separate. Niles' lawyers were confident it would be a quick and painless divorce.

Niles sincerely hoped so. A part of him was still terrified that Mel would try something to make things difficult, as punishment. He wasn't sure how optimistic to be, considering his call with Mel that morning ended with her saying he would get what he wanted. He tried not to dwell on it. Luckily, there was another thing that was niggling at Niles' anxieties - Daphne. He was now aware there was something else that was bothering her, and her confirmation this morning meant that it was eating him up.

Was it something I said? Or did? Oh god, what if she's having second thoughts?

He wondered again what she was seeing Gloria about. Niles knew it was rude to pry, what was said in those sessions was confidential, but he wanted to fix whatever was wrong. He hoped Daphne would talk to him more about it tonight. The plan for tonight was to have dinner at his place. Niles thought after the disaster that was the opera the previous night, it would be nice to spend some time in private, together. He managed to make the afternoon go a little faster by planning out what he wanted to cook, and going out to buy the necessary ingredients. Niles had decided on steak au poivre for dinner. It was a favorite of his, simple enough to be a good choice for dinner, but still complex enough to be impressive as a romantic meal.

The distraction of planning dinner was necessary. Niles, despite everything, was worried what Daphne would say. That she had decided that their relationship was a mistake was always a possibility lingering in the back of Niles mind, no matter how many pieces of evidence contradicted the idea. It was like a mantra at times, when he was least sure of himself.

Daphne arrived shortly before 5pm. A little earlier than Niles expected, but he was nevertheless pleased to see her again. She'd brought an overnight bag, which relaxed Niles slightly.

She's planning on staying the night again.

Pouring them both a glass of wine, they retreated to the kitchen while Niles prepared dinner. Daphne sat at the table, and listened to him as he spoke, slightly distracted by her thoughts.

"So, the divorce papers are signed and with my lawyers. Hopefully, everything will be finalized by the end of the month."

Niles seemed optimistic. Daphne didn't know if she shared the same optimism.

"That's wonderful, Niles. I hope it goes that smoothly."
"So do I. I don't think Mel won't fight anymore."
"Really?" Her tone was of disbelief. Niles turned to look at Daphne.
"She seemed pretty resigned this morning. I think she knows there isn't any point in dragging this out."

Daphne shrugged.

"Well, you do know her best."

Niles paused what he was doing at the stove. He turned around and sat at the table with Daphne, annoyed at her tone. Daphne realized she'd been a bit snippy.

"I'm sorry, Niles. I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
"I know. It's... let me cling to some hope, all right?" Daphne was voicing some of his own fears, that Mel would try to prolong things more. He didn't want to think about it.

Daphne nodded. Niles reached across the table and took her hand.

"How did your session with Gloria go?"
"It went well, I think. We talked through some things about- There's something that I think we need to talk about. But not now. Maybe after dinner?" She gave a slight smile.

Niles agreed reluctantly. He wanted to talk about it as soon as possible, concerned by what that could imply, but he couldn't rush Daphne. Giving her hand what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze, Niles went back to preparing dinner.

Daphne sat at the table, watching as Niles cooked. She had offered to help, but he insisted on cooking for her by himself. She compromised by joining him in the kitchen, to keep him company and talk. She was a little on edge, which she knew Niles had picked up on. Nerves over needing to talk, and not knowing how things will go. Daphne tried to put it out of her mind for the moment, and just focus on the now. She watched Niles as he cooked. She loved just being in the same room as him. Watching Niles do something he was passionate about brought a smile to her face, it was when he was most relaxed and confident.

Why did I take so long to realize I love him?

She'd wondered that a few times since she discovered she had feelings for Niles. Wondering if she was more aware of how she felt, whether they could have prevented a lot of the mess and heartache they were dealing with. Prevented hurting Mel and Donny. Daphne had lamented this in therapy a couple of times already. Gloria was quick to point out that not only is it pointless to dwell on something they couldn't change, there was also the fact that Niles, for most of the time they knew each other, was married, so she had subconsciously considered Niles as unavailable, off limits. By the time he was fully divorced, Daphne had started seeing Donny, so didn't have an opportunity to view Niles as single and unattached.

This had made sense to Daphne, but she wondered, why had she shied away so much when Niles was separated? Because he seemed to be trying to reconcile with Maris? Because she still didn't consider him as someone who would be interested? There were a few times where the possibility of a relationship could have arisen, but it never did. Niles said he wanted to tell her countless times, but he always hesitated, and some of that hesitation also came from Daphne's insistence that she wouldn't be involved with someone who was separated or going through a divorce.

Yet, here I am - I got involved with someone less than a week after he married someone else. I'm such a hypocrite.

Whatever the reason, what she said to Gloria was true - she was scared that things might not work out. Daphne was terrified of losing him. Both she and Niles left relationships and upturned lives to be together. If it didn't work out...

No. I can't think like that.

She tried to push it out of her head. Daphne looked up, and saw Niles looking at her, worried.

"Are you okay, Daphne?"

She nodded.

"Yes. I was... just thinking."
"Okay..." Niles didn't seem fully convinced. "Well, dinner is ready. Did you want to go out to the dining table while I serve?"
"Actually, why don't we just eat in here? We've already got everything we need."

Niles frowned slightly.

"Oh, well... I wanted to make this dinner a bit more special for you. You know, I want to treat you how you deserve to be treated. I feel like eating in here, with the dirty dishes, isn't exactly doing that."
"I don't mind. I don't need to be treated like I'm special."

Niles opened his mouth to say something, but closed it without saying anything. It seemed like for whatever reason, Daphne was trying to pick a fight, there seemed to be something bubbling under the surface. Years of living with Maris, and even dating Mel had helped Niles hone his ability to tell when a fight was imminent. Tonight, Niles didn't want to fight, but now he felt on edge. Giving in to Daphne, Niles started to serve out and put the dishes on the kitchen table.

He was a little frustrated. The kitchen was fine, he ate in here all the time when he was alone and couldn't be bothered to go back and forth to the dining table. But Niles hated having to entertain guests in the kitchen. The dirty dishes and pans were visible, and you could still smell the remnants of what had been cooked. The ambience was all off, and the perfectionist in him struggled with that. Niles tried to straighten up before sitting down, trying to make sure the room was a bit neater.

"Niles, can you please sit down? The dishes can wait." Daphne's tone still seemed irritated, as if wanting an excuse to explode.

He stopped, and threw the dishcloth he was holding into the sink, and sat down. Niles looked across the table at Daphne. She was holding her wine in one hand, idly swirling it around in the glass as she looked at the food on her plate. Her other hand held her fork but she hadn't started eating yet. She seemed distracted, and was chewing on her bottom lip. She was still the most beautiful woman Niles knew. But he was suddenly worried that the angel in front of him was planning a difficult conversation, and Niles was afraid what that conversation might be.

I'm afraid of losing her, after all this time. What if she's decided that it's not working, that this is it? Oh, god.

He tried to push those thoughts out of his head, and Niles finished off his wine, trying to steel his nerves. Daphne looked up at Niles, watching as he finished his wine and poured some more. His jacket was off, hanging off the back of the chair he was sitting on, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up. His hair was slightly out of place. He looked like he'd just received bad news, as if he had been told someone had died. Niles seemed to be trying to hold himself together as he ate. Daphne wondered if it was because of her.

"Niles?"

He looked up at her and gave a smile that looked a bit strained. Daphne gestured to the food.

"Thank you for cooking. It's delicious."
"Thank you, Daphne. I'm glad you're enjoying it."

They lapsed back into silence, save for the sound of cutlery against the plates. Daphne hated this. She wanted to talk to him, to have a conversation like they usually had, but she didn't know what to say. They finished eating, and sat there for a moment, in silence.

"Well, you might as well get it over with." Niles' voice sounded heavy.
"What?"
"You wanted to wait until after dinner to talk to me. There's... no point in putting it off much longer."

She sighed.

"I know. I just... I don't want to hurt you."
"Well, I don't know if you can avoid that."
"I'd like to try."

Niles stood up, and took their plates, and moved to the sink. He decided he needed to keep busy while she talked, unsure whether he could look at her. He spoke again.

"Is there any way I can change your mind?"
"Change my mind about what?" Daphne was confused.
"This conversation... Are you breaking up with me?"

Daphne stared at Niles' back, stunned.

"No. Why would you think that?"

Niles turned around, suddenly feeling a wave of relief rush over him.

"Oh, god." He breathed deeply, trying to prevent himself from collapsing. "It's just, you seemed to be in a bad mood, and looking like you needed to say something difficult... I guess I just jumped to worst case scenario."

Daphne stood up, affronted at the thought.

"You idiot. I brought an overnight bag. Why would I do that if I was going to dump you after dinner?"
"Oh, right." Niles had forgotten about that in his anxiety spiral. "So, you don't want to break up with me?"
"Of course not! I love you, you absolute moron!"

Niles pulled her into a hug.

"I love you too, Daphne. You're the most wonderful, perfect woman I've-" Daphne pulled back, and Niles stopped. She suddenly looked like she did earlier, like there was something difficult she was wrestling with. "... But there is something wrong, isn't there?"

She nodded.

"Is it something I've done?"
"Yes and no..." Daphne saw the hurt on Niles' face, and she hurriedly tried to explain. "Nothing you've done intentionally, if anything it's more me than you, but it's-"

Niles pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her.

"Let's go to the living room. We can talk there."