Flashback
It's funny how some things can look completely different during the day.
The house during the day looks different. Without the cars in front of it, or throngs of people, it looks pretty deserted...almost like the house I used to live in.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here and staring at it, but somehow I don't want to go in.
Don't know why.
Maybe I'm trying to get rid of that antiseptic smell that kinda sticks to you after you've been to a hospital. I hate that smell, too many memories. And now I have a new one.
I finally turn off the AC, but I still can't get out. Instead, I put my head on the steering wheel, and remember how Jim looked like sitting on that bed. Stoned, banged up, but happy as hell.
Can't blame him though, if I'd been pumped up with all the goods he got I'd be pretty shit-faced too.
Instead, here I am, analyzing what the fuck it is that I'm feeling after I get a call from Jim's partner telling me that he's been hurt.
Number three on the fucking speed dial, number two on the fucking next of kin list...we're gonna have to talk.
It was just a broken arm, but I went out anyway. Pretty easy to escape during a race night party, and with Dom and the guys otherwise "occupied", I didn't really need another shitty excuse.
Just maybe a reason on why I walked out of a hospital with a bag of medication while a battered Jim happily complaining about having his arm on a sling.
I wanted to shove my fist on his face. Last time I'd walked out of there, no one had much reason to be happy, drugged up or not. I shove him in the car instead.
Stayed until he sobered up enough the next morning, enough to hear him apologize for the inconvenience.
I left at around four, my usual time, but I spent the next five hours just going around the city. Drove until I came near empty. And even then I still can't figure this out.
When the call came in I thought he'd been shot. His first week out with the SWAT team and I thought the motherfucker had gotten himself killed.
His partner Brian said that he fell from a window. He couldn't tell me much, with the case still open and them still in training and all, but afterwards they said they'd gotten a kick out of seeing it.
Maybe it could have been amusing, but the last time I saw Jim was three weeks ago. And before that, it was two weeks. And before that, it was a month. All we'd had were occasional phone calls, but it still didn't reduce the feeling of dread I got when I received that call.
We knew things were going to change, we'd agreed to that, but the moment I heard those words...I bottomed out.
What would I have done if he died? What would I be? I was nobody. I haven't even met his friends. Yet there I was, Ms. Number Two on the list, rattled and bumbling like a grieving wife.
I wasn't going to do that. Not right now. Not when I have all this shit to deal with.
Cops got hurt in Metro, but they fucking die in SWAT.
I'm not...I'm not going to be one of those women who wait by the phone. It was bad enough in Metro. But now he's a month away from being SWAT and I already know what it's like to have one of those shits.
He's not just a cop on the side anymore, he's...Jim.
We had a fucking system, how the hell did we mess up?
I sighed and got out, my eyes catching on the glint of the silver Honda that I'd driven to the hospital.
She and I are getting to be pals now. I haven't really driven any other car besides my Silvia...but this one. She was mine too. And she knows all the crap that's going on in my life, both of my lives.
I give her one last look, and walk towards the house.
Soon as I get in, I drop my stuff on the floor and head to the kitchen for the leftover breakfast.
The day's already started, and if I hurried, I wouldn't be losing much time if I made it to the garage in twenty minutes.
But soon as I sat down, I knew something was different.
I look around then hear the soft thump of footsteps coming down the stairs, no doubt heading towards the kitchen.
I stare at my bowl of cereal and somehow wish I could dive in and fucking hide in it.
Oh shit, Dom's home.
Present
I almost wished the door would be locked.
Instead I turn the handle and take a deep breath. I was going to have to go in. This is one of those things in life where you just...go in. Do it. Take a dive.
There's no escaping this...
He's still by the window when I come in.
I don't make a move to go to him, and neither does he. We're protected by fifteen feet of floor and that's really all we need right now.
Distance. Space.
"Closure huh?" he asked "That doesn't look much like closure to me."
"We were just talking" I answered lamely
He smirks. "Isn't that supposed to be my line? And from what I know, it doesn't usually work."
I don't know what to say. I can't deny what that scene must have looked like to him, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel anything.
There's a lot of history to sort out, between me and Jim, between me and Dom. I wouldn't have picked tonight to do it, but it seems like tonight was going to be it.
"What happened here today Let? Because I woke up this morning thinking it was just going to be another day, and I come home and suddenly everything's different."
I open my mouth and try to say something...but how do you start? How do you start to explain three years worth of history in one night?
"I...I don't know Dom."
"Then fucking try, dammit!" he yells, his hands gripping the windows "I know I haven't been the absolute saint here Letty, but you can at least fucking try!"
I'm hurt, mostly because I'm guilty. I'm also angry, angry enough to wanna cry. But I retaliate in the way I know best: aggression.
"Fuck you Dom, did you ever try? I didn't see you coming to me with anything every time you screwed around behind my back!" I yelled "Shit, it wasn't even behind my back, more like right in front of me. Fuck, more like right in front of everybody!"
"They were skanks Letty, they meant nothing to me!"
"But they meant something to me" I answered "Boys will be boys right? Leon, Vince, Hector, every-body fucking does it, so why shouldn't you?"
I grabbed the first thing that my hand came in contact with and just threw. Fortunately for him it's just a jacket, because my aim was dead on.
"If you wanted to fuck around, why didn't you just fucking tell me!" I screamed "You could've just cut me off and whored around all you fucking wanted. No I'm sorry Letty. I'll never do it again, mami. Fuck you!"
If the boys didn't know what was happening, they sure do now. My voice is starting to grow hoarse from all that shouting, and I'm just getting started.
"And fuck me for being so stupid, for hanging around and letting you walk all over me. I wouldn't let any of those skanks, or any of those bastard racers tread over me and yet you, who I fucking loved the most, you just ran me over." I screamed
"How can I be so stupid! How the fuck can I be so stupid! You disrespected me, you made me run off with another man! Made me love him, then leave him! Why the hell couldn't I just leave you! You fucking ruined my life, our lives...Jesse's..." I cried "You...fuck, he's...fuck..."
It's dark in the room, but I can see his eyes just bright with tears.
This was going to be the night. It's just me and him and all the ghosts in the room with us.
Jim, Jesse. Tony, Mia. The Team, Linder. My past, his past. All the things we should have talked about but were afraid to.
There's really no one to blame here but us, and if we wanted to get out of this, then we needed to do something, the both of us.
Whatever happened here tonight, it was either going to make or break us. We were going to have to choose whether to cut loses or go on...
And right now I don't really know what decision I should make...
Flashback
"Where the hell were you?"
I just squared my shoulders and dug into my cereals. "Out. Went for a drive."
"All night? Until nine in the morning?" he asked incredulously
It's a good thing I looked like shit, otherwise he wouldn't have believed me. I just turned around and gave him the eye.
Secret be damned, I'm not in the mood to be pissed off.
"You said you wanted me to get used to the fucking car, so I did. I went out for a drive. Around the city. Filled the fucking tank too. I got a receipt. That enough?"
He seemed to buy that. I'm fucking exhausted and I look and sound like it. I wasn't about to answer for my actions when there were plenty of reasons why I should ask him about his.
He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it. Whatever it was, it looked like it was supposed to be something angry.
Nope, no Dom. Can't be angry with me today. Maybe not ever, not with what you're making me do.
He fumbles a bit, then sits down and sighs. "You look like hell, maybe you should stay in today."
"Good morning to you too, and I'm going to work"
"Let--"
"You're already here Dom, we can't afford to be short two people at the garage. 'sides, I need to finish working on the Silvia."
"Then I'll work on her" he answers quickly "I'm going in today anyway. I only stayed coz I...I needed to wait up for you."
I slurped up my breakfast and stood up "You don't need to do anything for me Dom. I'm tired, but I'm going to work."
He followed me up the stairs and to our bedroom. I wanted to lock him out but he was inside before I could even say boo.
"Letty--"
"What?" I snapped, annoyed "You got more questions? Coz I really wanna get in the shower."
Pretty brave. Honestly, I wouldn't know what I'd do if he'd fucking asked me about that. But knowing Jesse and the way Dom's acting, I'm sure there's no way in hell that Dom knows anything is wrong.
Except maybe this plan of his.
"I'm worried about you, Let."
"Don't be." I mutter, buttoning down my top and heading towards the bathroom "I'll take a couple hours off tomorrow and sleep off. Clutch on that Civic needs work, can't drive with a faulty stick."
"I'll look into it" he murmurs, then puts a hand on my shoulder "Let...I...stop Let and just look at me."
I do. And what I see kind of scares me.
It's Dom, being desperate. It's kind of like how he was when his father died, only now he's more afraid than he is angry.
"I need to know if you're okay Let."
"I'm fine Dom, I just told you--"
"I need to know if you're okay with this."
I almost want to laugh.
Jacking a truck? Stealing? Was I okay with that?
"You know what I think, Dom."
He sighs and rubs face, frustrated.
"You asked me a question."
"I know, I know" he answers "I just want you in on this 100"
"Jesus Dom, I gave you the fucking money to buy those cars, I'm risking my life running through trucks, what more do you want!"
"I just...I need...I want you to know why I'm doing this."
"That's been discussed Dom."
"No, that's...that's not it" he answers
I lean back on the wall, the cold air making me shiver. Dom notices this and starts buttoning me up.
It's weird, but it kinda reminded me of the way he would button me up on my way to school December mornings. I went to Catholic school, and Tony—later on Dom—would drop me off and sometimes pick me up. I had a red pea coat as part of my winter uniform, and Dom used to button it up for me when I was a kid. It became sort of a tradition.
Later on, he said it was a shame that he wasn't around to "button me up" in high school. I told him that I had a stupid blazer and drove my own ride to school—license or no.
"You ever wonder what it would have been like?" he asks "You know, if my dad wouldn't have died, or yours?"
"If mine hadn't croaked I probably wouldn't have the Silvia"
It was harsh, I know, and Dom's grip tightened a bit in defense of my old man.
"You don't really mean that. Drunk as he was, he doesn't deserve those words. He loved you and you know it."
He was right, I did. And so help me, I loved him too. He was my father. I may never have felt it as much but I know he loved me and I ignored that. I was sorry for it.
And it didn't help that I had all that blood money in my hands...probably why I let it all go. Only now, it's to get more.
But not for me, but for my family. For Mia, and Leon, and Vince and Jesse.
"He wanted the best for you Let. He paid for your education, saw that you had everything you need, he even let you live with us when he thought he couldn't take care of you...he gave you up Let, so that you could be happy."
He paused a bit, thinking.
"And I...I want that Let. I want to be able to do that. For you, for Mia, for us. I want all the things that we should have had, if all this hadn't happened, all the things that you gave up."
"Dom..."
"Like, college. For you and maybe Jesse. All those schools you had to defer because you needed to take care of us. Then working here for close to nothing."
"But shit Dom, I don't wanna go to some punk ass college" I told him "I could've found a way if I wanted to, but I wanted to stay here Dom. With you."
And for the first time in a long time, I meant that.
There's no Jim, no stupid heists, no Mia or racing or the team. With Dom and me, when things are good, the whole world just shrinks to the two of us and we're connected. It's frig ass unbelievable. And I don't know how, or why things are like that, but I don't question it.
Some things are just...is.
"I wanna be able to give us a good future, Let."
"And what's wrong with now?" I ask him "We have all we need Dom, I'm not asking for more."
"But we deserve more. You deserve more."
Maybe it was the way that he said it, but I could see in his eyes all those things we talked about when we were just starting.
Once, before all this shit happened, we had pretty different lives.
Dom was supposed to be some hot circuit racer and Vince was supposed to work the pit. Mia was supposed to go to college full time to be a doctor and I...well, I probably would have been in some pansy ass school learning how to make cars instead of just fixing them.
But see, that was before all that shit happened.
I learned a long time ago to play with the cards you've been dealt, and not to think of all the might have beens or could have beens in our life.
You lose more time thinking of regrets.
"Is this how we're going to be for the rest of our lives?" he asked, more himself than me
"Running after the bank, trying to keep ourselves afloat month after month, not even seeing our own paychecks..." he says "This can't be it."
"I promised your dad that I'd do right by you, and I know things aren't so great right now, but I promise you I'll do it.."
I frown, remembering other nights, when he's said similar words.
"Letty...Letty, look at me baby, please..." he begs "This is it; I swear to God this is it. Thing will be better after this. The shit we've been going through the past months...everything I've done...it'll be over. It's done Letty, I swear."
I've never seen him so desperate before. Never.
"Please Letty, say you're with me on this, I need you with me on this. You're the one thing in my life that I could always count on, and I can't...I love you Letty...and I can't do this without you with me."
I bow my head and cave into his arms, burying myself in his chest and finding his heart.
He's never begged me before, I've never seen him desperate.
And he's never said those words...
To be fair, Dom never once cheated on me since the heists. Asshole kept his word.
He'd flirt around, playing things like normal. And I'd get pissed, and he'd get annoyed. But he never once fooled around. Ever.
Seven years and I watched the guy do anything in a mini-skirt. He's off a year and suddenly he's a fucking saint.
And then we have me, Letty, who went for a year with the same guy. It's been two years and I still feel like I'm the one who needs to be punished.
Why?
Quality over quantity, people.
He fucks a million women he doesn't care about. I only got one...but I loved him.