I asked Dom once how he figured out that I loved Jim when I wasn't even sure about it myself.
I don't know if I'd denied it for so long, or I simply didn't know it. But all it took for Dom was one day and his answer was full-proof:
"You looked at him the exact same way you look at me"
Present
"So you did love him" Dom asks, sinking to the floor
My bones feel heavy and I make my way to my side of the bed. Strange how confessions can leave you so weak.
"I didn't mean to" I explain "It started out as a joke, a way to pay you back just by flirting with him. But then we started talking..."
I looked down at my hands, and at the bed that the two of us have shared for the past seven years.
"And he just started listening...and you...you never listened Dom" I told him helplessly "And I missed that. At first, it was all we ever did, we talked and listened, and then it just...it just stopped."
He couldn't look at me then. Not that it mattered, I couldn't look at him straight either.
Maybe it was shame...anger? I wouldn't know what I'd do if Dom told me that he loved another woman. Heck, I wouldn't even wait for an excuse I'd probably go ahead and break his face, yet here he is, accepting things.
What's done is done, kid.
"And Jesse?" he asked "Do you...do you blame me for Jesse?"
I closed my eyes.
Jesse. There hasn't been a day when I didn't think of that kid. Maybe someday it'll stop...but I don't think I want it to. I want the hurt to stop, but I never want to forget him, don't ever want to stop missing him.
"Jesse did all that on his own, we all did. You never held a gun to our heads, and we did it coz of the family." I said "But at the same time...I can't forget about the fact that you went ahead with the plan even when we told you not to."
I stop for a minute, not really sure whether or not I should go on.
Dom...he's gone through so much. He not only saw his father die, but He's had to live with the fact that with his hands, someone like Linder has to go through life handicapped.
And now, there's Jesse. I couldn't let him think that Jesse was his fault.
"Why'd you stop?" he asks "Go on."
"Dom..."
"No, go on" he told me "All this started because the two of us stopped talking, so if you have something to say, now's the time to say it"
I turn around and face him. His eyes are clouded with pain, and I know he's already blaming himself for Jesse's death.
"Dom, Jesse isn't your fault. I'm angry because you didn't listen to us, to me. I'm angry...because I felt like we could've spent that time looking for Jesse instead of going ahead with something that we knew was fucked up." I told him
"But that's all what if's Dom, they're done. What happened to Jesse...it happened coz he bet slips against Tran then panicked and ran away when he lost. It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault...if anything I fucking wanna kill Tran."
"He's already dead."
"Can I move on to his sister?"
He flinches. I said it in an attempt for levity, but I guess it came out wrong. Hell, everything I say nowadays seems to come out wrong.
"I'm sorry." I apologized "I didn't mean it that way."
"I guess this is one of the things we're gonna have to work on, huh?" he quipped
It actually makes me smile.
Sometimes it's annoying how Dom always says the right thing to ease any sort of situation.
It's one of his strengths, this...charisma. Everyone's just drawn to him: racers, skanks, parents, kids, pets, good luck, bad luck, trouble...he just drags them all in, and us along with him.
"You gonna go all Oprah on me now?" he smirks "Ask us to get in touch with our feelings and all that shit?"
I take a deep breath. "Yeah, we're gonna have to do that shit...and some of it won't be very good."
Fuck, I don't even know where to begin with this. I don't even know where the hell we're supposed to go.
"There's a lot of shit we need to wade through Dom, three years is a long time, and we've been having trouble a lot longer than that."
"Okay..." he says, nodding
We kind of just sit there, wanting to look at each other and yet not really being able to.
I can't remember the last time Dom and I have ever had such an awkward moment. Even when we're fighting, the two of us seem to just flow, like a current passing from one wire to the other.
And now that connection's gone, and we're just lost without it.
Flashback
I should've done this a long time ago.
Sweat runs down my back as I park right next to a red Taurus, in a spot that's somewhat near the bar but dark enough that no one can see me.
O'Malley's is crawling with cops, mostly from Metro and some who've graduated to SWAT.
I slam the door close, leaning on the frame of the newly painted black Civic just as I see a familiar figure stepping out of the loud pub.
I check my watch: 11:15, right on time. The man usually needed a breather around this time, and Jim is nothing but a creature of habit.
And just like always, he feels the heat of my stare even when I'm completely hidden.
I let him look around a bit before I take a deep breath and call out to him.
"Jim!"
My voice sounds heavy in the night air, and at the back of mind, I can't help but wish that there was some other way—an easier way—that I could do this.
Oh fuck easy, I wish I didn't have to do this.
I wish there were some way that we could go on, but I've thought about it, over and over...
His footsteps cut through my thoughts, and I watch as he jogs towards me, a huge smile on his face.
"Hey Let!" he beams "Good thing you dropped by, all the guys are in there and I've been wanting you to meet them--"
I take a deep breath and just cut to the chase.
"I can't stay, Jim."
The smile falters but he's quick to recover. We're used to doing that, hiding our disappointments. With us seemingly running two lives, you can't help but make choices, the kind that usually makes you give something up...
"Well, that's okay. It's just a bunch of guys from the team celebrating" he says "Coz as of this day, we're SWAT!"
You have to admit, when the guys happy, he's happy.
His hands go around my waist and I find my feet leaving the ground, almost smiling with him in his success.
He's wanted this a long time, and I've watched him go through it, shared some of his struggles, saw him train, felt his pain.
But as I looked down at his open face...I'm reminded of another set of dark eyes, holding me up and looking at me with his own success, with the same love overflowing...and I can't help but feel like I'm looking at the wrong ones.
"Jim, put me down" I told him, annoyed when he doesn't "Fuck Jim, stop...just, stop"
I can see the change in his eyes as I settle back on the ground.
"What's wrong babe?" he asks, trying hard to see my face, while I try my best to avoid his "C'mon Let, you know how important this is for me, and considering all those miles you talked me into every morning, this success might as well be yours too!"
I can't find it in me to even smile at his jokes. How can I, when I feel like a part of my life was ending.
"I can't...I can't see you anymore"
The worlds roll out like packs of ice, and we're both just frozen there, holding onto each other.
"What?!" he asks, unbelieving
"C'mon, we talked about this..."
"No, you said we should probably see each other less"
"And we did...and with you in training--"
"Yeah, but that's done" he says "I'm on the team now Let, we do the ceremony and all that crap next week but I'm officially in, I'm gonna be home more regularly now--"
"And where will I be?" I cut in "When you get called, and you get hurt, where am I gonna be?"
His grip on me tightens and my nails dig into his arms, hoping that he'll understand what I'm saying.
"You fell from a house last month and broke your arm. Then your fucking partner tries to tell me that they caught it on the training video and tried to show me, thinking that it's all funny that you fell from a second story window trying to get to some armed psycho who barricaded himself in a room with explosives"
His eyeborows knock on his forehead "That's classified, how did you--"
"I got sources" I told him, not needing to hint that they we're illegal sources
"And that...that's the thing Jim, you falling off roofs and getting shot...it's just one of the reasons..."
I take a deep breath. This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Never had to let go of someone before, except for maybe my father. But he doesn't really count...
"I can't do that Jim, I can't go to my home every fucking day and know that you're out there, getting yourself killed." I explained "You have no idea how hard it was for me after the accident, how every time my fucking cellphone rang, I kept thinking this might be it..."
"But it wasn't!" he yelled "C'mon, I'm good at this Let, can't you at least have some confidence in my abilities?"
"Jesus Jim, I was a wreck and you were just training! Now you're gonna be on call 24/7, and that really puts me in a fucking bind!" I answer back
"Because I can't...I can't take this. Seeing you hurt and not being able to do something about it...Not right now. I've too much going on right now, and I can't...I can't take on this responsibility. I can't do that, and just be number fucking two on your emergency list."
"Letty--" he sounds desperate, but I cut him off
"We got different lives Jim!"
And there it is, the truth that we've been avoiding.
Eighteen fucking months of trying to get around it and now we've hit a dead end.
"You and me...we weren't supposed to last, we knew that. All we had in the beginning was this one great night that we tried to make last and now we're just...stretched too thin."
"Is this what you thought? That it was just sex?" he hissed, trying to bait me
"No, that's not what I meant and you fucking know it!" I yelled at him "We've gone over Jim, we pushed past those boundaries that we made."
He let go of me, trying hard to hear this while I'm pretty desperate in trying in making him.
"When we're together, it's all good, and I have no doubt that it'll stay good. But that life that we have when we're together...it's not us Jim, it's not real"
"Then why can't we make it real" he reasoned "We got a choice Letty, why can't we decide to make this our lives?"
God, I just want to wring his neck but I settle for stomping my foot instead.
"Because we're too fucking different! We've been living in a stupid bubble, and now its burst and we're back to the real world, where you're a fucking cop and I'm a street racer!" I cried
"Do you even know who I am Jim? Do you remember?" I tell him "I'm a racer Jim, I'm a fucking racer. I got speed and a hot car, and I spend most my nights in the streets of LA schooling punks for their money with my team. And it's an addiction Jim. All this. Coz it's not about money, it's not just about the cars, it's about speed. It's about that ten second high that I get on, from the moment my foot hits the gas and my finger thumbs the NOS to the finish line."
He bites his lip as I go on to explain.
"And I know you understand what I'm saying coz you got that fucking addiction too. I saw how your eyes lit up when you took me to that firing range in La Jolla. I know that every time you go out, you get that fucking rush and you just can't...let go."
I take his hand and lace my fingers through his.
It feels warm, familiar, and I know how much I'll miss doing this...just talking, feeling him, holding his hand...
"Sometimes we want the wrong things. They fucking feel right, and knowing that you let it go on and on...but in the end, it's still wrong, and you just have to make it right and end things."
"But we can make it right Letty" he argued
"No" I shook my head "Not this time Jim, not right now. I got shit going on in my life that I can't drag you into."
The two of us just stand there, not wanting to move, thinking that if we stay this way, we can make the world stop, make us right again.
But it was never right, even from the beginning, and it's time for us to do something about it.
"So this is it?" he asks "Is this...is this goodbye Letty?"
His eyes and are candidly earnest, almost begging...
"I..."
"Don't say yes" he cuts in suddenly "Don't say yes unless you absolutely mean it, unless you think we won't ever see each other again."
I open my mouth and so help me God I can't fucking say anything.
"Then someday then" he says "It's not goodbye, it's someday. When we're both right, and we don't have any of these bullshit hanging over us."
"I can't Jim" I say "I can't promise you anything."
"I'm not asking for forever here Letty, I'm just..." he fumbles, running his hands through his hair
"I need you in my life Letty. It doesn't have to be us, I don't care if you can't fucking see me right now but...I don't think I can go on with my life knowing that you'll never be in it."
I want to say no, I know I should say no, but I can't because I feel the same way. And I know that, because like all the other stuff in my life, some things are just...meant to be.
Present
The room is quiet.
Somehow, Dom and I are talked out. We haven't done that in a long time, talk. We haven't even gotten to the important parts, and we're already exhausted.
But at least we've acknowledged that there is a problem, that there's something in us that we needs to be fixed. We may not like the outcome, but at least we're finally willing to try, and that in itself is an achievement...and hopefully, a beginning.
I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the next few months. Wake up when all this is over.
The thought of sleep reminds me of another problem...
Where the hell am I going to sleep?
Dom and I stare at the bed at the same time...probably thinking the same thing...
We haven't been apart since Baja. Not once. We can fight, we can be pissed off, but unlike before when I'd leave or send him to the couch, we couldn't bear to be...separated. Not after going without each other for so long.
I could crash with Vince or Leon or the couch and Dom would come get me during the dawn. Or I would go out and seek Dom.
But tonight...tonight is a different thing. Tonight I can't even imagine touching him, can't even be in the same room with him, and I'm hella sure he feels the same way.
"I'll, uh, I'll take the couch tonight" he says, getting up, but I put my hand up to stop him
"No, I'll go."
His eyes automatically narrow at me, processing what I'd just said, wondering if I meant go someplace else in the house or go to Jim's.
Dom's eyes can never lie, and it's up to you whether you want to face the truth or walk away to avoid getting hurt.
I'm fucking pissed that he would think that way, but I know he has a right not to trust me right now. Had this been three years ago, I may have well been on my way to Jim's apartment.
And even though we both know that it's not going to happen, we can't help but feel that shadow of doubt slowly settle between us.
I guess that's another thing we're gonna have to work on...learning to trust each other again.
"Brian's over at Mia's so I'll take the bed in the dungeon"
His eyes widen and to be honest, I'm surprised that I said that too.
The dungeon—otherwise known as the basement—used to be Leon and Jesse's room. Now he's just bunking in with Vince.
None of us have had the strength to clean it out yet, although I know Leon still goes down there, mostly because some of his stuff is still in it.
But so far, we haven't really...ventured in. There's still too many memories, too much hurt...
I could have just taken the couch, but tonight seems like the right time to...be there.
The kid always did look after me, supporting me when I was about to fall. And even though he's not physically here, I need his strength now more than ever, because Dom isn't available to help me up on this one.
Dom looks like he wants to protest, but he takes one look at my face and just nods.
"If you're sure" he says
"I am" I answer
I can feel Dom's eyes on me as I walk to the dresser to get a pair of boxers and a wifebeater.
When I finally got my stuff, I walk towards the door and just sort of...hover.
I mean, what the hell do you do? Do I say goodbye? Goodnight? Do I kiss him? Not kiss him? Do I even want to say something? Do something? I feel like holding my hand out for a shake but that's even dumber.
At last, I just...walk away...
"Let?"
I stop, and turn around.
By the moonlight, Dom just looks...wounded. His eyes are shining and his face has that look of anger, desperation and fear.
"I...I..." he fumbles "Um, goodnight Let"
I give him a tired smile "Goodnight Dom...I'll see you in the morning"
They're simple words, but that brings in some reassurance...for his part at least.
My feet and my heart feel like lead as I drag myself to Jesse's room.
Fuck it, sleep won't come easy with me tonight.
Flashback
We spent fifteen more minutes just standing there, holding onto each other.
People were starting to notice, and his new partner Gamble already came out once to check on him.
Freaky guy, that Gamble, don't like him much. But he and Jim get along like brothers, so I guess I trust him too.
Finally Gus comes out for his break and I know it's time.
"Jim..."
He just nods, but his hands tighten on me, like he doesn't want to let go.
"I...I..." I start, but fuck it...what do I wanna say?
What do you say when you have to let someone go?
"Just say you'll never forget this" he says, like he's read my mind
"I don't think I can, quite frankly" I smile wanly
Finally, his hand wanders to my neck, and bends down to brush his lips on my forehead.
"Take care Letty" he murmurs
"You too"
I know it seems insufficient, but right now it's all I can say, it's all I got to offer him.
Then I pull back and I just start...walking. Away from Jim, away from the past year, away from a part of my life...
And into the new one that I was about to enter with Dom.
I fish the keys out of my pocket, my hands shaking, wishing I didn't have to go, and at the same time I really can't wait to get out of here.
I'm nearly in the car when I hear Jim step up a few feet behind me...
Shit, I thought he'd already left. I'd walked away from him once already...I don't think I'll have the strength to do it again tonight...
"Letty?"
I keep the door open, but I don't make a move to get out, or even look at him.
I don't think I can see his face, or even listen to him try and convince me.
"Yeah, Jim?"
"You know I've got your back don't you girl?"
That makes me smile. It also makes me cry, but more so, it makes me smile.
I look up and see him standing there. In his plaid shirt, spiked hair, his hands buried in his pockets, his eyes misty with a hurt grin on his face...I'll remember that. I'll remember all of that...
"Yeah...and I've got your back, Street, don't you forget that."
He actually finds it in him to close the door for me. To watch me start the car, then wave goodbye, and just see me off...watching me watch him from the rearview mirror, looking at him, as he grew smaller and smaller...as I drove out of his life...