The emergency waiting room was full, as was usually the case when a brother in blue was injured in the line of duty. Especially in this case where they were protecting a fellow officer.
Rollins, Velasco and Muncy were holding down the fort while Olivia, Fin, Ayanna and Jet sat patiently waiting for word on Elliot's condition along with his children and mother. Thankfully Lucy had been free and offered to watch Maureen's kids in addition to Noah. Olivia looked around at Elliot's children. They just went through this hell with their mother, how could they be going through it again. It wasn't fair and it was all her fault. She was the reason their father's life was hanging in the balance. She had been so selfish, wanting to get away from the damn walls that were closing in on her. If she had only stayed where she was supposed to, she knew it was wrong when she snuck away, but she could never imagine this would happen. Her and Elliot should be heading back to her place, to have that important conversation over a nice bottle of wine. Instead she is desperately trying to keep her emotions in check. She couldn't break, not here, not with all the eyes on her. She knows they are all watching her. All the gossip about them over the years. Stories of the married detective hooking up with his "hot" single partner, all those stake outs, alone in the car for hours, needing something to occupy their time. Then how he just dropped her, left her without a word. They didn't know that neither of them would have ever crossed that line. Their friendship was everything. Elliot was married, Olivia would never have allowed herself to come between them.
A team of doctors entered the crowded room. Bernie and the kids stood when they asked for the family of Detective Stabler. Olivia watched as they held hands, clinging to each other. The doctors asked if they wanted to speak privately, Maureen spoke up and said everyone was family.
"My news is not good. Detective Stabler is in critical condition. He lost a large volume of blood due to internal bleeding from a Grade 5 liver laceration. We stopped the bleeding and tried to repair the liver. He did receive a blood transfusion…
"Will he survive?" Bernie interrupted.
The doctor took a long breath before responding. "I have to be honest with you. There's more than a good chance he won't. Seventy to eighty percent of Grade 5 liver lacerations patients, even after surgery do not survive. I'm very sorry, but at this time I would recommend gathering the family."
No one noticed her slip away. Her world was crashing around her, she couldn't breathe, her heart pounded in her chest. She took off down the hallway, not knowing where she was going, she just had to get away. When she could no longer breathe through her sobs, she stopped. It took her a moment before she realized she was outside the chapel. The tears fell as she quietly entered the most sacred area of the hospital. The room was empty and somewhat dark. Lit mostly by the flickering flames of people's prayers to God. In her mind, it was Elliot who led her here. She knew from their many years working together that he would always go to church to seek answers and peace.
She didn't know where to start, this was his thing not hers, but she felt better just being here, like she was closer to him. After sitting in the pew she remembered Elliot would kneel on the kneeler thing, so she got on her knees. It was like a switch was flipped. The kneeler made her want to talk, ask questions. There was so much she didn't understand, but if Elliot could find answers when he would come, maybe she could too. She started with, why. Why did this happen to him? His children? Her? What did he do to deserve this? What did she do? Sure, he made mistakes, didn't everyone? He was a good man, faithful to his God, his family, his wife. He had been protecting her, he put his life on the line for her, surely that must count for something. She should be the one in the hospital bed. It was all her fault. The tears came harder now. He could die, probably would die, because of her. How could she make this right? Trade her life for his? The guilt she felt was overwhelming. "Please," she prayed. "Please don't take him from me, I need him." Her arms rested on the pew in front of her, she laid her head on her arms as she sobbed. She remained that way until she could no longer cry. She lifted her head, she was still alone. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she was exhausted. She pushed back to sit in the pew, wiping her wet cheeks with her hand thankful for a crumpled tissue she found in her pocket.
oooooooooooooooooooo
"Where's Olivia?" Kathleen was pretty sure she saw her when the doctor came to talk to them.
Maureen searched the crowd of people, only recognizing a few. "Fin, have you seen Olivia?"
"I'm keeping eyes on her, she's in the chapel. I'm guessing she needed some time to herself. I was tryin' to respect that. You need me to get her?"
"No." Maureen responded. "I know how close they were…are." She thought for a moment. "Have they always been… I don't know… I know my dad would never have cheated on my mom, but this morning, seeing them sleeping on the sofa with their arms wrapped around each other. It was like… like… they were each other's air."
"Your mother and you guys always came first with Stabler. But yeah, we all saw what you're seeing. There is definitely something, always has been. Those two are as tight as I've ever seen two people."
Rollins and Carisi show up asking if there's any word. Fin just shakes his head and tells them it's not good. Amanda asks for Olivia, she thought it would be best if she would take Noah to stay with her and her girls. Fin informs her that Olivia is in the chapel and has been for the last few hours. Carisi offers to check on her.
She sees him enter and go to light a candle. He kneels and bows his head. After a few minutes he blesses himself and goes to sit in the pew behind her. He squeezed her shoulder.
"I'm fine."
"I know you are, but we all need a little extra support sometimes."
"I need to get back."
Together they got up, Carisi genuflected before taking her hand and leading her out of the chapel. Once in the hallway he offered her a bottle of water and a pack of tissues. He nodded toward the ladies room door.
"I'll wait for you right outside the door."
She thanked him and headed in to rinse her face. The cool water felt good on her burning cheeks that were stiff from tears. She looked at her appearance. Her black waterproof mascara was smudged, but was easily fixable. She had nothing, she had never gone back inside to her office. Her purse and everything were still there. Deciding she did the best she could she returned to Carisi who was waiting for her, just like he said he would.
oooooooooooooooooooo
The room was beginning to thin out. Officers were saying goodbye to the family, offering their support and prayers. Amanda and Maureen were off in a corner talking, Maureen's husband by her side.
Amanda called Olivia over. "Hey Cap, how about I go get Noah and take him home with me. He can spend the night with me and the girls."
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Anytime, you know that. We love having Noah over." Amanda pulled her in for a tight hug, noticing how stiff Olivia was. They had become close friends over the years, but she remained closed off with Amanda, with everyone actually. It was a very rare occasion for Olivia Benson to show vulnerability even to her friends. Sure, Fin was able to knock the walls down sometimes, but they had a long history. Olivia didn't let people in, and she rarely let them see her be emotional. Her empathy towards the victims was astounding; they often were the only ones to see that softer side of her. She always maintained a cool demeanor around the precinct.
"Thank you Amanda, so much."
"Of course, you hang in there."
Carisi and Rollins left to get Noah, while Carl followed to get Seamus and Kieran to take them home. After saying goodbye, Olivia sat down. The severity of everything catching up with her. Sergeant Bell sat next to her.
"Olivia, when was the last time you ate or drank something?"
"Ah… I don't know. Carisi gave me a bottle of water, it's here somewhere."
"You need to eat something."
"To be perfectly honest, I don't think I can stomach anything."
"You know he's not gonna die, right? He's too much of a pain in the ass."
The two women shared a smile. "Thank you Ayanna. I needed that."
"Hang in there. But I do truly believe he'll be ok. He's out there fighting the good fight, that's gotta get him some brownie points."
Ayanna and Jet both say their goodbyes to Olivia and the family, leaving Fin. Olivia tells him to go home and get some rest. She'll call him if anything changes. He's about to protest when the doctor comes to the waiting area. Elliot was moved to a private room in the critical care unit. The family can see him, but only one at a time and only ten minutes per person. They were informed that the CCU allows one person to stay the night, Olivia offered to stay. She told everyone to go home and get some rest and she would keep them updated. She was again being selfish. She needed more than ten minutes, how could she possibly tell him in ten minutes everything she's wanted to say for twenty three years.
oooooooooooooooooooo
She quietly closed the glass door, like he was sleeping and she didn't want to wake him. Oh how she wished that was the case. Seeing him lying there, still so pale from the blood loss. All the tubes and beeping. She walked to his side and picked up his hand cradling it in hers, careful not to disturb the pulse ox on his finger. She leaned down and kissed his lips, her tears spilling over and flowing down her cheeks.
"I'm here El." She whispered. Rubbing the back of her hand over his stubbled cheek. Her tears dripped onto his face and she gently wiped them away. "I'm so sorry, you were right, I should have listened and not lost my detail. I never meant to put you in danger. Please wake up so I can tell you you were right. I know how much you like to hear it." She squeezed his hand.
She reached for a tissue from beside the bed, she had controlled her emotions for most of the day, but now that it was just the two of them, he's seen her cry before. She slid the lone chair up against the bed so she could sit by him and hold his hand. She had so much to tell him.
"I have so much I need to say to you, but I don't know where to begin. We never talked about the serious stuff going on between us. We've never been good at talking about how we feel. We always danced around our feelings. I do have strong feelings for you, but I pushed how I feel aside for so long, knowing I couldn't have you. Now that has changed, and I'm afraid to give in to those feelings. Afraid of what may happen if I do."
"Do you remember our second year together? You ordered a security detail on me after I said I didn't want one, didn't need one. But as usual you did what you wanted. I was so mad at you, I threatened to get a new partner. It was then I realized I couldn't, I couldn't do my job every day without you by my side. I realized I had fallen in love with you, even though I knew I couldn't have you. You were my best friend. You knew everything about me. Sometimes I thought that you knew me better than I knew myself."
Her cries became more uncontrollable. "I can't do it, El. I can't live in a world without you in it. I can't survive you leaving me again. I'm still angry with you, I don't want to be, but I am. You were my person and you up and left me without any kind of goodbye. I thought I didn't matter, you didn't care, because if you did, you would have known how that would crush me. At least when you left before I knew you were still out there, I had always hoped I'd run into you somewhere. That there'd be a chance of us being friends again. I need us to be friends again, I need to be more than just friends. I need my person, my soulmate."
She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. She kissed his hand before covering it with hers, she then laid her head on her hands.
"I love you, I've always loved you." She repeated as she drifted off to sleep.
oooooooooooooooooooo
Olivia was jostled awake by the nurse checking on Elliot. She was stiff from her sleeping position. She stood and stretched, thanking the nurse for the care she was giving Elliot. She mentioned that she was going to stretch her legs and would be right back. She walked down the hall to the nearest restroom, she really didn't want to leave Elliot alone for too long. After coming out of the stall she walked to the sink, looking at herself in the mirror. She washed her hands and splashed some water on her face. The effects of the last day showed on her face. Her eyes were red and puffy, any trace of makeup she had worn washed away by many bouts of tears, it seemed new wrinkles appeared overnight. The sound of alarms going off in the background, Olivia dried her face and hands, wondering when she would be able to get a cup of coffee. She didn't want to fall back to sleep, and didn't want to waste any precious moments with him by sleeping.
"Code Blue, CCU, bed 6. Code Blue, CCU, bed 6."
"No, no, no!" Olivia ran out of the bathroom and down the hall towards Elliot's room. There were doctors and nurses running in the hall with her, one pushing the crash cart. She watched from the hallway as the doctor shouted orders. It was all so surreal, to her everything was happening in slow motion. The paddles, Elliot's body responding to the electrical charge sent to his body.
"Again!" She heard the doctor say. "Everybody clear." As they shocked him again.
Slowly she slid down the wall that was supporting her. This can't be happening, she thought. How did it all go so wrong, they were just enjoying an evening with his family, and fooling around this morning. Acting like teenagers, not being able to keep their hands off one another.
One of the nurses came to her and offered to show her to the family waiting lounge. She asked if she could call anyone for Olivia. Olivia asked that she call his daughter, Kathleen. It was a phone call Olivia knew she would not be able to make.
Olivia was suddenly left alone with her thoughts. He was gone. The love of her life was gone and she never told him how much she loved him, how happy she was to have a chance to start over with him. His leaving before broke her heart, but this shattered it, beyond repair. She put her hand to her lips, never would she feel his lips on hers again, never would they make each other laugh. She began to think of all their years together, from new partners getting to know each other to partners who anticipated the others words or actions before they happened. Never would she catch him staring at her, then looking away, that stupid smirk on his face. She waited too long. She should have told him how she felt, all of it, how she longed to have him make love to her, how she had dreamt of that for over twenty years. She shivered now, just thinking about his touch and how her body reacted to his hands touching her. The taste of his kiss on her lips, and the burning flames of desire that that kiss could create. She will never know the bliss of his hands caressing her breasts, her belly, her thighs. Never know the feel of his body pressed against her while they make love. She will never know what it's like to have Elliot take her over the edge of ecstasy.
"Liv, we can see him now."
"Kathleen, what… I can't…I'm not ready, I don't know that I'll ever be ready for that. What are you doing here, I can't believe how fast you got here."
"I was already on my way back, I couldn't leave you alone. I dropped Bernie off, freshened up and came back. I was parking when they called."
"Did you call the others?"
"No, they will all be here soon enough. Let them rest. He's comfortable now."
A new onslaught of tears filled Olivia's eyes.
Suddenly Olivia is transported back to 1999. Her and Elliot are testing their new partnership. He's cocky, a little too sure of himself and definitely hot headed, but he's a smart detective, he's empathetic toward the victims and very protective of her. She wasn't sure how thrilled she was about the last part. He was there for her when her mom died. He tried to be there after her first shooting, but she closed herself off. When her life was in danger, he protected her, whether she liked it or not. Over the years they became more in sync. It was like they could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking or anticipate the other's action before it happened. They spent a lot of time together, long days, long stakeouts, long talks. He knew everything about her. It wasn't anything sudden, it was something that built over time. Watching him with his family, long glances over at his desk. She tried to look away quickly so he didn't catch her but sometimes she was lost in a fantasy about him and he'd have to reel her in. She would excuse herself to the cribs to calm herself down. She went on dates with many guys, slept with a few trying to get her partner off her mind. Eventually it was just a way of life. Until the partners put their concern for each other over the kids in a case they were working on, prompting Olivia to go undercover on a case in Oregon. She never even told him she was leaving. She was so pissed at him for doing the same thing. They had both left to save whatever they had before…
"Hey Liv."
"I'm sorry. It's been…. I just can't imagine my life without him. Even those years he ghosted me, there was always a chance for us to see each other again. Now that chance is gone. I'm sorry Kathleen. I have to go, I have to find the person who did this." Olivia took off down the hall, never hearing Kathleen calling after her.
"Olivia…wait… don't you want…