A/N: If you're finding this in "Chosen Family", make sure to read part 1 first Sorry about the confusion with posting it two different places!
Decided that this story needed a happy ending, and felt inspired to write what I want for episode 8 (or 9, depending on how they plan to do this), fully aware that we're lucky if we even get a fraction of this.
Danger Will Follow Me - Part 2
Eyes closed, she rests her head against wet tiles, inhaling slowly as she lets the warm water run down on her skin and wash away this day, and the end of this week.
It's not as bad as it used to be, the overwhelming fatigue, the almost suffocating sensation of barely making it to the weekend, but still, she prays for her phone to stay silent tonight. To have this Friday with just Carisi, the girls and Frannie, uninterrupted.
Stepping out of the shower three minutes later, a faint smile graces her lips when she hears Billie's laughter all the way from the kitchen, an ecstatic giggle, probably caused by Carisi acting like the goof that he is, once the suit jacket and suspenders are gone.
So no, it's not as bad as it used to be, in fact, many things are so much better.
Her girls are finally laughing again. She is laughing again. Maybe not as much as she'd like, but it's a start. And Carisi? He looks calmer, she's noticed. Still attentive, keeping an eye on her, making sure she's not overdoing it. But that pained expression, the constant worry, is finally gone.
And now, when she wakes up in the middle of the night, it's rarely because of nightmares, but rather because even in sleep, she misses him. So she'll move closer, and smile tiredly when he wraps an arm around her. Sometimes just to drift off again a moment later, sometimes leading to hands roaming, hips rocking, chests heaving, and whispered "I love you's". Grabbing the opportunity of being together like that, now that the girls are sleeping through the night again, and those hours belong to them and them only.
That too, is different. And not that she needs a reminder, but there's that faint bruise on her shoulder, causing a mental image to appear as she wraps herself in a towel. Taking her back to three nights ago. When he had her up against this very counter that she's standing in front of now. Their eyes locked in the mirror as his teeth sunk into her skin, making her hiss, and moan his name.
It takes her back to those first few months of their relationship, too. When they, like teenagers, just couldn't get enough; In his office, and her car (and that one time in Olivia's bathroom that they never talk about). But even then, when everything was so new and exciting, maybe because everything was new and exciting, some sides were still kept hidden.
Not anymore.
Not after that night two weeks ago, when it felt like every pent up emotion finally spilled, and they made room for it and dared to face each other with all their needs and fantasies out in the open. The trauma, the exhaustion of it all, making them raw and desperate for a certain kind of closeness and intimacy that they simply didn't need before. Or, thought they didn't need before.
So, maybe there's a silver lining here, she thinks; Get shot, have great sex.
It's not really funny, but after spending months in that dark corner of her mind, it feels damn good to be able to joke about it, at least a little bit, if only with herself.
Another smile takes form then, as she grabs the moisturizer and Carisi's singing voice reaches her ears. He's surprisingly good too, which makes it not only endearing, but also a little sexy.
But as she applies the lotion and that smile turns into a smirk, it eventually falters when her phone goes off against marble, her body suddenly rigid from the thought of being called to a new case this late on a Friday afternoon.
Knowing she would never actually ignore it, the temptation still crosses her mind as she picks the device up, eyes narrowing when she doesn't see "Benson" or "Fin" on the screen, but rather an unknown number.
"Rollins." She answers, her tone questioning.
"Amanda Rollins?" Says the vaguely familiar voice on the other end of the call, making her check the number a second time before putting the phone back to her ear.
"This is she."
"This is Professor Carlson from Fordham University." He says. "We spoke briefly before your lecture."
Nodding slowly as she recalls the conversation, she looks at herself in the mirror before turning to lean against the counter. "I remember."
"I have to say, I was really impressed."
"Oh, uhm-" Never the one to know how to take a compliment, she shifts uncomfortably, using her free hand to tighten the towel around her chest. "Thank you."
"And based on the evaluations, so were the students."
Her eyes widen at this. "I- I didn't know I was being evaluated."
"We do that with every guest lecturer." Professor Carlson clarifies. "It's a good way to bring in new talent, people who can make our students more engaged and eager to learn."
"To be fair-" Amanda shrugs, casting a glance towards the bathroom door, "you asked for ADA Carisi, and he would've done just as well, probably better."
"That might be, but your husband was more than happy to offer his spot to you, and now I can see why."
Husband.
The comment sets off an immediate reaction, making her grin, and she realizes quickly that while she probably should correct him, she doesn't want to. Because… Well, maybe because it just sounds so… right?
"That's nice to hear." She mumbles, just as much in response to the compliment as the thought of calling Carisi that.
"The thing is, we have an opening." He continues, pausing a moment as if he's waiting for her to respond. But when she falls silent, he goes on. "So I'm calling to ask if you'd consider doing this, more permanently."
Everything seems to stop then. The air that's supposed to go down and into her lungs, the sound of laughter and music coming from the kitchen. And, her ability to think clearly.
"Are you still there?" He asks.
"What-" She starts, turning back around to look at herself in the mirror, as if to remind herself that she's awake. "Like a full time job?"
"Yes-" He says, chuckling lightly. "A full time job."
Oh.
"Oh." Amanda breathes, out loud, echoing the only coherent thought in her mind right now. "Wow, ok."
"I don't need you to answer right away, I understand it's a big decision."
Well, that's a fucking understatement, she thinks. But at least she manages to keep that thought to herself.
"How much time do I have?" She asks instead.
"Preferably by the end of next week."
"I- I really appreciate the offer, but I need to think about this. I just-" She trails off, a whirlwind of emotions rushing through her. Never thought I'd leave SVU.
"Think about it-" The professor says. "Discuss it with your husband, and let me know."
This time, the mention of "husband" is lost on her, as she nods, mumbling a dumbfounded "I will", adding a "thank you so much" in sake of politeness before she hangs up.
…
Her body feels numb as she opens the door and moves towards the bedroom, dropping the damp towel on the bed (the one thing she constantly tells Carisi not to do), hair wet and mind blank as she gets dressed in silence.
Still, in spite of her shocked state, and the unexpected turn this uneventful Friday just took, something in her seems to settle, as if she's suddenly feeling a sense of inner balance, something she hasn't felt in, well, what feels like forever.
And maybe that's why there's a part of her that seems to make the decision in the time it takes to move out of the bedroom and down the hall. The choice becoming clear as day when she once again registers the sounds of her family, and finally, when she pauses her steps to take them all in; Carisi, moving around in the kitchen, wearing that stupid, but oh so adorable apron that the girls picked out for his first Father's Day present.
And then there's Billie, her eyes following him intently, and Jesse, looking laser focused as she keeps stirring, as if she's been trusted with the most important task in the world.
And it smells… Well, it smells like any other Friday night in her apartment; Like basil and red wine and his cologne. But now? It also smells like something she wouldn't risk for anything or anyone.
"Hey-" She mumbles softly.
"Hey-" He says, turning, smiling at first before he catches the expression on her face, his eyes questioning as he tries to read her, trying to have a silent conversation that doesn't really go anywhere. "Dinner's almost ready."
"About that-" She responds, gesturing for him to move towards her, voice slightly lowered as she keeps an eye on the girls. "I need to go see Liv."
Confused, he tilts his head. "Now? Tonight?"
"I just-" She chews on her lip, feeling a sense of guilt, both for interrupting their dinner plans, and for keeping something like this from him. But it makes sense, too. And she trusts that he'll get it, when she eventually tells him. "I need to talk to her."
"Is everything ok?"
"Yeah." She smiles, placing a reassuring hand against his chest. "I'll explain later. Think you can manage without me for a few hours?"
"Oh, I don't know." He says, feigning a worried expression as he glances over at the kids, moving back into the kitchen. "With these little trolls?"
"You said trolls weren't real!" Jesse argues, pausing the process of stirring.
"Have you seen your room lately?" Amanda says sternly, but with a hint of playfulness in her voice that Jesse catches immediately, making her giggle.
"Go." Carisi smiles when Amanda joins him by the counter, placing a quick peck on her lips. "But taste this first." He adds, pulling out a spoon that he dips in the sauce, blowing on it before moving it to her mouth.
"Mm-" She hums, grabbing the spoon from his hand, lifting herself up on her toes to kiss him again. "Tastes amazing."
"Eww, gross." Jesse mumbles, quickly joined by her sister who exclaims a dramatic "yuck!", making the adults laugh before Amanda moves to leave the trio alone, exiting the apartment a few minutes later.
…
The drive to Olivia's apartment building somehow feels both like a lifetime, and like it's over way too quick.
Maybe because there's one part of her that needs to get this off her chest as fast as possible, feeling like she's suddenly hiding this massive, unexpected secret from her captain, one of her closest friends. But then there's the part that has no idea how she's supposed to break the news. Because leaving SVU is one thing, as foreign as that concept would've felt just a few months prior. But leaving her?
Unthinkable.
Giving herself no time to chicken out, however, she pulls out her phone as soon as she's parked, her free hand impatiently tapping the steering wheel while glancing up at the building next to her.
"I'm outside." Amanda says, her words rushed out when she hears the other woman's voice.
"Wh- Is everything ok?" Olivia asks, the immediate worry in her tone prominent. "Did something happen?"
Not sure how to answer that, she exits the car, moving towards the entrance. "Can we talk?"
"Uhm, yeah, of course-" Comes the mumbled response. "Come up."
…
"Sorry to barge in like this." She says apologetically when she steps inside, adding "where's my nephew?" when she notices the missing sounds from video games and TikToks, sounds usually filling the apartment when he's home.
"Sleepover." Olivia explains, closing the door behind them before following the blonde into her living room, eyeing her intently. "Amanda, you're scaring me."
She realizes then that it might be a good thing Noah isn't here to see her like this. Because it was one thing keeping it together on the phone with Professor Carlson, and then doing the same in front of Carisi and the girls. A whole 'nother thing doing it now, faced with the one reason why this is probably one of the hardest things she'll ever have to do.
"Sorry." Amanda hears herself mumble, wrapping her arms around herself before the pacing starts, her restless legs making it impossible to stand still. "I just… I needed to see you-" Pausing mid pace, she gestures towards the captain before she moves again. "I- I don't know what to do, or I do, and I can't keep this from you, but-"
A gentle hand lands on her shoulder then, making her turn to face Olivia, blue eyes already filling with tears.
"Hey-" The brunette murmurs softly. "Look at me. What happened?"
It might be the soft voice, or the concern in her eyes, the thought of losing this. But in the end it doesn't matter because the sum of it all forces the gathered tears to spill, rolling down on her cheeks as she finds it impossible to speak.
"Amanda-" Olivia says, carefully pulling her in for a hug, holding her tight. "Did something happen with you and Carisi?"
"No." She manages to choke out, sniffling as she feels herself cling to the other woman, just as much clinging to all the years they've worked together, all the years they've known and loved each other.
"Something with the kids?" Olivia asks then, her concern returning with even more intensity than before as she leans back, hands planted firmly on Amanda's shoulders.
"No-" She shakes her head quickly. "No, nothing like that." Still shaking her head, she attempts a breath but fails when it gets stuck in her throat, making her hitch instead. "I'm sorry." She repeats, trying a laugh. "I'm a mess."
Getting a crooked smile in return, the other woman nods in the direction of her kitchen. "How about I pour you a glass of wine while you sit down and get your breathing under control?"
"Ok, yeah-" Amanda eventually nods. "I can do that."
…
While "under control" might be a stretch, she still feels slightly more composed when she's seated on the couch, wine glass in hand, Olivia waiting patiently a few feet away.
"So-" She finally starts, inhaling slowly. "You know I did that lecture at Fordham-"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I missed it." Olivia smiles. "Carisi wouldn't shut up about how amazing you were."
"Apparently he's got a teacher thing-" Amanda says, smiling too and raising a brow as she lifts the glass to her lips. "I can tell you that."
"Wow-" The brunette chuckles, both surprise and amusement on her face. "That's- Good for him, I guess. Or you?"
She laughs then, at both the tone in Olivia's voice and the expression that accompanies it. "I'd say it was a win-win situation."
Clinking their glasses together, they share another knowing smirk before falling silent, the heaviness of it all creeping back in the space between them.
"But that's not why you're here." Olivia finally mumbles, shifting on the couch, breaking the silence.
"They called me today." Amanda says, blurting the words out and adding "Fordham" for clarification when she catches the captain's confused expression.
"Ok?" The other woman responds, nodding, slowly sipping her wine.
"Liv, they offered me a job. Full time."
There. It's done.
She exhales slowly, waiting. Eyes searching Olivia's face for a reaction, anything to tell her how she's feeling, what she's thinking.
At first there's nothing; Her expression flat, unreadable, taking another sip before placing the glass down on the table in front of them.
But then, when Olivia turns back to face her, the tears, gathering gradually before one escapes, only wiping it away when it threatens to fall from her chin.
"Professor Rollins." The captain whispers, a solemn smile taking form. But there's pride there, too. So much of it, that Amanda's eyes well up once more, making her move closer on the couch and place a hand on Olivia's knee.
"I don't wanna leave you." She says, her voice now a whisper too.
"Amanda, it's time." Olivia nods, grabbing her hand only to squeeze it tight, as to emphasize her words, making sure that the blonde not only hears, but understands what she's trying to say. "It's ok."
"No, it's-" She shakes her head in protest. "It's not."
"Yes." Comes the quick response, another squeeze of her hand. "It really is. And can I be honest with you?"
"Always."
"Ever since what happened-" Olivia mumbles, her eyes briefly landing on Amanda's stomach. "I think I've prepared myself for this. I think-" She pauses, inhaling slowly. "I think there was a part of me that realized your time at SVU might be coming to an end."
"Hence new girl?" Amanda asks with a tilt of the head, making the other woman lean back in surprise.
"No." The captain says, firmly, leaving no room for doubt. "No, we've been understaffed for years, you of all people know that. And no one, absolutely no one can ever replace you. I've been doing this job most of my adult life… and you, Amanda Rollins, is the best detective I've ever had the honor to work with."
"Ok, stop-" She chuckles, holding up a hand before using it to wipe away yet another tear. "I can't cry anymore."
…
In spite of the sadness that still lingers in the room, almost like a sense of mourning, there's something else there, too. Something that allows her to breathe properly again. To just be here, and enjoy the company, a reminder of everything she'll miss, but just as much a reminder of everything she'll still have. A reminder that while she might be leaving the job, she's not actually leaving this.
And as the conversation keeps going, glasses being refilled, she realizes that there is one more thing she needs to share with her friend tonight. Maybe because it feels safe now, ok, to open up about one of the few secrets she has kept from her.
"Since tonight is all about honesty-" She starts. "I have something else to tell you."
Emptying her glass and eyeing her for a moment, Olivia nods before reaching for their second bottle. "Go on."
She hesitates, briefly, checking in with herself to make sure that this is her talking, and not the wine. Deciding that even though she might not be sober, she is more than lucid enough to continue.
"Do you remember that morning, weeks ago, when I told you I'd be late because of therapy-"
"The therapy you didn't go to?" The brunette interrupts, one eyebrow raised in question.
"Yeah, that." She nods. "Something happened that morning. And I just… I didn't know how to tell you. But-" Pausing, she takes a deep breath, forcing herself to go on and reveal this darkness, this shame, that she has kept hidden, from Olivia, Carisi, from everyone. "I lost it, Liv. Only for a moment. But when you called me back. I was standing in the middle of the living room, holding my gun."
"Amanda-" Olivia murmurs, her voice now laced with a deep sorrow, her eyes hurt, worried, but filled with love.
"I don't think-" Amanda adds quickly, shaking her head, feeling a sudden need to reassure the woman sitting next to her. "I don't think I actually would've done it. But I guess… I guess I can't be sure, because it didn't feel like I was in control, you know?" But you called, pulling me out of it. And I just… I wanted to thank you."
They share a look, and she realizes then that maybe she'll miss this the most; These quiet conversations that need no words. Knowing and understanding someone so well, that just catching each other's eyes is enough.
Settling into the cushions, she smiles when Olivia joins her, shoulder to shoulder as her confession is being processed, the two women sharing a few minutes of comfortable silence.
"Thank you for telling me." The captain eventually says, leaning her head against Amanda's.
"I'm not leaving you." She mumbles in response, recognizing now how true that actually is. She's leaving a job. Not her.
"I know." Olivia mumbles back. "This is just… a new beginning."
"Yeah-" She smiles again. "A new beginning."
…
After locking herself in later that night, quickly checking on the girls, she finds him in the bathroom. Eyeing him from the doorway while he's brushing his teeth, dressed in pajama pants and nothing else.
"Hey-" Carisi smiles, eyeing her back, a grin quickly taking form when he takes her in. "Are you drunk?"
"No." She shrugs, realizing that she might be lying. "A little."
"Is everything ok?" He asks.
She moves towards him then, joining him by the sink. "Fordham called me today."
"They want you back for another lecture?" He says, his smile wide and proud, and covered in toothpaste. "I knew it."
"Actually-" Amanda says, dragging the word out a little, waiting for him to finish rinsing. "They want me full time."
He stops what he's doing, and she laughs at his dumbfounded expression before reaching for a towel, holding it out for him to grab. When he does nothing, she laughs again, moving closer to gently pat it against his wet chin.
"They offered you a job?" Carisi finally asks, her answer being a simple nod as realization spreads across his face. "So that's why you needed to see Liv."
"I'm sorry-" She mumbles. "I should've told you, but I just-"
"Needed her to be the first." He says knowingly. "I get it."
They share another smile then, his hands reaching for hers, intertwining their fingers on the countertop.
"So you're saying yes?"
"Yes."
"You're leaving SVU?"
"Yes." She breathes, before her mouth falls open as it finally hits. "Holy shit."
…
Maybe it's the glimmer in her eyes that does it, or the way she's grinning back at him.
Yes, there's a hint of sadness there too, but now that there's a way forward, a light at the end of this excruciating tunnel they've been stumbling around in, there's mostly relief.
Well, relief, and something else.
Something that makes him surge towards her, hold her face with his hands and press his lips to hers as they stumble backwards, her backside colliding with the counter.
She melts into him instantly, moaning before she opens her mouth, inviting his tongue with her own, moaning again when he lifts her up, only to sit her down on marble a moment later.
He murmurs something against her lips, but she's too distracted to actually hear what he says, spreading her legs so he can fit between them.
"Carisi-" She whispers, running her hands down his naked chest before hooking her fingers in the waistband of his sweatpants, letting him know not only what she wants, but how she wants it, and, that she wants it right now. "Fuck."
Her message is clearly received, making him assist in the process of getting rid of her leggings, her shirt following shortly after.
"Here?" He asks, making her gasp when he ghosts her thigh with his fingertips, and making her whimper when that same hand moves to where she wants and needs it the most.
"Here." She nods eagerly, hips rolling to encourage his hand, desperate for him to move the fabric aside and- "Shit."
Do that.
"Keep it down." He grins, resting his forehead against hers while running two fingers through her arousal, giving in and pushing into her a moment later.
It doesn't take long before she comes on his hand, biting down on his lip when she does. And not long after, he follows, coming in her firm grip, some of it spilling on her thigh, giving them a good enough reason to share a shower, while also giving them a chance to slow it down, and revel in this newfound peace that seems to have settled between them. In their home, and now, their future.
…
"He said something else-" Amanda mumbles, twenty minutes later and resting comfortably against his side under the covers. "Professor Carlson."
"Yeah?"
"He, uhm-" She hesitates a few seconds, suddenly feeling shy and maybe a little silly about the whole thing. "He called you my husband."
Lifting her head to catch his reaction, she smiles when his face reveals a hint of surprise.
"Not the first time people have assumed." He shrugs, his attempt at playing it cool a little too obvious.
"Maybe not." Amanda responds, mirroring his shrug. "But it was the first time that I…"
"What?" He asks, a hint of impatience, or maybe nervousness, in his tone.
When it becomes clear to her that this conversation just took a turn, she does too, shifting so she can face him fully, kneeling next to him on the bed.
"That I realized how much I wanted it to be true." She admits, nearly whispering the words, anxiously waiting for him to react.
"Wait-" He says, propping himself up against the pillows. "Wait, are you asking-"
"Carisi-" She interrupts, a giggle escaping her mouth.
"No, wait-" He shakes his head, holding up a hand before tumbling out of the bed. "Let me do this."
"Ok." She laughs, crossing her legs and turning to watch him as he stumbles towards their dresser where he pulls at the second drawer.
Now, is it possible that she already knew about the ring box that's been hiding in there? Yes, it's very possible. It's also possible that she knows it's been in there for almost six months.
And yet, her heart still hammers wildly in her chest when she realizes that it's actually happening, that the moment is finally here, and more importantly, that they're both finally ready.
So when he turns, holding the small box in his hand, she lets her tears fall freely, her breath hitching when he moves towards her, thankful when he opts against kneeling on the floor, but rather sits down on the side of the bed.
"Amanda Rollins-" Carisi starts, clearly fighting the urge to cry. "You are the strongest, bravest person I've ever known." He pauses the speech to lean in for a kiss, giving them both a moment to breathe when he pulls back, and when he does, tears have fallen on his face too. "I always hoped for this, everything you've given me, but I never thought it could be this good, never thought I'd meet someone who could challenge me as much as you do, make me so much better, and make me this happy. If you become my wife, If I get to be your husband, I promise to do the same for you, and the girls, for the rest of my-"
"Yes." She interrupts with a whisper, her smile bordering on painful, fresh tears trickling down as he grabs her hand gently, placing the ring on her finger.
"Yes?" He says, as if he's having a hard time understanding that this is real, that this is no longer just a dream or a fantasy.
"Yes." She repeats, looking down at the ring before her eyes meet his. "Yes."
…