A/N Thank you to everyone for the reviews of the previous chapter they were very much appreciated. Bit of pimping now, so please excuse, I am nominated for several categories at the Spuffy Awards, if you feel like voting for me, to ?xvote.html and thank you.

Chapter 14

"I need to speak to you outside for a moment if you please?" asked the doctor.

Buffy paled, these private doctor/relative chats never went well. Spike got up from his seat, "I'll come with you," he offered.

"No you stay here with Dawn, thanks anyway. Willow?" asked Buffy.

She looked away, her heart ached at the stricken expression in his eyes, but she couldn't think about that now.

"Uh, ok, if you're sure," she replied uncertainly.

Spike slumped down in his chair in defeated resignation. Buffy had put her barriers up again. There may as well have been a twelve foot brick wall between them.

Dawn looked at Spike, and she smiled weakly at him and held out her hand. Spike got up and walked over to her bedside and took it.

"Why do you look so sad Spike? You look like a guy who won the lottery just to discover he's lost the ticket," joked Dawn.

"I'm okay Dawn really, you should be worrying about getting well, not about my troubles," Spike chided her gently.

"But I do worry, I love you Spike...er like a brother of course, but I do," grinned Dawn shyly.

"I love you too nibblet, that's why I want you to get better above all else,"

They were interrupted as Buffy and Willow came back in. Buffy avoided both her sister and her husband's eyes as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"So what did the doc say?" asked Dawn.

Buffy remained silent, as she studied the toe of one of her boots.

"Dawn has the right to know pet, she's not five," said Spike quietly.

Buffy's head snapped up and she sucked in a breath before she began.

"The tests were right, it is pancreatitis. They are going to try some new meds, but they say the only real option now is a bone marrow transplant...I'm sorry, if I had been there I might have been able..." she trailed off.

"To what Buffy? Stop her getting sick? Why do you keep blaming yourself? You're not infallible,"

"Thank you Spike, I couldn't have said it better myself," said Dawn, as she looked at her sister, the anger flashing in her eyes.

"Instead of going on about what you could have done, how about doing something in the now," said Spike.

"Like what? Crawl in that bed and take Dawn's place, because if I could, I would, in a heartbeat," sobbed Buffy.

"I was thinking of doing something a little more positive like being tested for donor compatibility actually," snapped Spike. He ran his hands tiredly through his hair, to try and dampen down his rising temper.

Dawn's face crumpled as her sister's words sank in, and she held out her arms to her. Buffy ran to her sister and hugged her tightly to her chest. She stroked her hair as she rocked Dawn almost like a baby.

"I can't lose you Dawn, you're all I have," Buffy whispered against her hair.

Willow looked at Spike, gauging his reaction to his wife's softly spoken words. She saw the pain that flashed in their depths before he turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

Dawn looked up at Buffy "You have Spike too Buffy. He loves you so much," said Dawn.

Buffy stiffened in her sister's arms as it hit her, she did love him, so very much, but every time she looked at him, she imagined herself in his arms making love while her sister had been in pain and needing her. The disgust and self loathing she felt raged through her like a wild river, bent on a course of destruction. She had been on the verge of admitting her feelings to Spike too, until their new found happiness had come crashing down around her ears.

"I love him too," said Buffy, somehow saying it aloud made it seem more real, she said it again. "I love Spike,"

"Yeah I gathered that, why else would you have married him?" asked Dawn.

"Why else indeed...er...I'm gonna go check on Spike," said Willow, wanting to let the sisters have some alone time. "Want a soda?"

Buffy nodded and smiled at Willow, as she made to leave the room.

Spike stood outside the entrance to the hospital, a cigarette in his hand. He had been trying to quit and was on the patch, but desperate times called for stress relief that only the nicotine could give him. He was angry at himself for what he considered his selfish thoughts, but hearing Buffy say that Dawn was the only person she had, had struck him to the core. Okay, they had made love, he didn't expect her declaration of undying love afterwards, but he was sure it had meant something to her. Maybe she had just grown tired of being a virgin and he was the most convenient and attractive male at hand? He thought bleakly to himself as the old self-doubts began to pour in.

He flicked the cigarette butt to the sidewalk and ground it out with his boot.

"Could have sworn you were quitting Spike, or should I say are you a quitter?" asked Willow.

Spike cocked his head and looked at her. "I won't even begin to pretend that I know what you are talking about red,"

"Well, if you had hung around a little longer, you might have heard something pretty interesting," replied Willow.

"Like what? Buffy telling Dawn that she is the only thing that gives her life meaning? Already been there and done that," Spike replied.

"Never mind, if you can't see it, then I am certainly not gonna spell it out for you," Willow sighed, and she marched off back inside the hospital.

Spike growled "Bloody bints, they all talk in another language! Why the hell was there never a dictionary invented to give us poor men a heads up?" He looked up into the night sky as if it held all the answers.

"Spike? Talking to yourself, not a good sign old friend," said Angel.

Spike rolled his eyes and lit up another cigarette.

"Yeah why don't you light up captain peroxide, maybe if you share them around and we can all slowly die of cancer, rather than face our problems," said Faith, mockingly.

"How's Buffy's little sister?" asked Angel.

Spike took a drag on the cigarette and exhaled before answering his friend's question.

"It's not good; she needs a bone marrow transplant mate,"

"I know there is a registry for that, but I'll sign up for testing," said Faith.

"Count me in too," said Angel.

Spike smiled at his friends. "Thanks,"

As he walked back into the hospital, Angel patted him on the back. "Anytime Spike," he replied.

When they went back in, Spike found Dawn's doctor and the three of them offered to be tested. It was the matter of a little blood sample being taken from each of them. Faith had already called Xander and Mr Giles. They were on their way to the hospital for testing, even Anya. Spike made his way back to Dawn's room, he knocked before entering.

Dawn had fallen asleep again; and Buffy was staring at the floor.

"You can go and get your blood tests now, I'll sit with Dawn. Faith and Angel have already had one and Giles and your friend Xander are on their way," Spike informed them.

"Angel? Why would he help me? He hardly knows me," said Buffy.

"Because, he is a friend and he knows how much Dawn means to you and me," said Spike.

Buffy nodded a little shamefaced. "I will have to remember to thank him next time I see him,"

Willow linked arms with Buffy and led her from the room. Spike sighed almost with relief at his wife's departure. It had taken nearly all his self restraint to not grab her and kiss her senseless and try and instil some sanity into her, but he had a strong sense of self preservation, guessing that kissing her would only serve to make things worse while she was in her current frame of mind.

He sat there, watching Dawn as she slept. When had his life become so complicated? He mused. The moment you laid eyes on Buffy Summers you ponce. He shook his head in self derision. One thing he did know, even though so much had happened, he couldn't imagine wanting to be any other place, but with Buffy and Dawn. Even his writing had taken a backseat to helping his new family. He wasn't hard up for a few quid, but he still had a manuscript that needed pimping. Right now, that could go to hell for all he cared. Spike looked up as Buffy and Willow re-entered the room. She still wouldn't look him in the eye. Okay if she wanted to play it that way for now, he wasn't gonna kick up a fuss.

"Well we just did our impressions of a human pincushion, the doctors are hoping that Buffy will be a match, being family and all," smiled Willow weakly.

"Hope is in short supply right now," said Buffy quietly.

"I know the feeling," Spike mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" asked Buffy, turning her head to finally really look at him.

"Nothing pet, let's keep our fingers crossed that the test results will be good news," he replied smoothly.

Angel and Faith dropped Spike and Buffy back home just as the sun was coming up. They walked in awkward silence up the path to the house. Spike used his key and opened the door, waiting for Buffy to go first, before closing it behind them.

"I think you need to go to bed Buffy. You look about ready to drop," said Spike in concern.

Buffy nodded at him before heading in the direction of the stairs. Spike walked around the living room, switching off all the lights that had been left on during their hasty departure for the hospital. He put his coat away and followed Buffy. Spike turned the handle to their bedroom door, it wouldn't budge. He tried it again, but it was locked firmly. He knocked on the door, only to be met with silence.

"Buffy?"

Still no answer, he sighed.

"Fine we'll play it your way for now," he told her through the door.

Spike strode off down the hallway and entered the spare room that had been his for about all of half an hour, the first day he'd arrived here. He sat on the bed, noticing something poking out from under it. He bent down and picked it up. It was one of their wedding photos; he must have missed it, when they had spilled all over the carpet that time. It was one of the ones that Ethan had taken just after they had kissed. He smiled at the look of wonder on her face, not unlike the expression she had worn as he had made love to her only last night. God had it only been a few hours ago? The way he felt at the moment, it seemed like another lifetime ago. Spike propped the picture up on the bedside table and lay down on the bed, not really expecting to fall asleep, he closed his eyes anyway.

When he awoke, the sun was high in the sky. A quick glance at the clock on the bedside table told him he had been asleep for some time. He got up out of bed; his head was still fuzzy from sleeping out of time. He took a towel and decided to freshen up with a shower. The bathroom had a damp, steamy, used feel about it. Buffy must have already been here and not all that long ago.

With a towel firmly secured around his hips and feeling a whole lot better, he tried the bedroom door again, this time it opened. He walked in, but Buffy was nowhere inside, the bed had been stripped too. Spike walked over to the chest of drawers and took out some fresh clothing. He went downstairs to investigate, but he already had the feeling that Buffy was no longer there.

There was a post it note stuck on the hall mirror.  "Gone to see Dawn, didn't want to wake you, Buffy"  he read aloud. "Yeah I bet you didn't want to wake me. Never had you pegged for a coward Buffy," said Spike as he screwed up the piece of paper and threw it in the trash.

 Well she could run, but she couldn't hide, well not forever at least, he thought sarcastically. He picked up the phone and dialled the number of a local cab firm.

Buffy entered her sister's hospital room. The teen was up and watching TV. Her face lit up when she saw her sister. Buffy pasted on her best i everything is right with the world  smile on her face. She had spoken to the doctors about the test results, no one out of her group had even slightly come up as a suitable donor, not even herself to her dismay. There had only been two other matches on the donor registry, one had died a few weeks ago and the other was on a rock climbing expedition in Nepal. Luck was really being a stranger to them right now.

"Where's Spike?" asked Dawn.

"Uh, he's back at home. He was really tired so I left him to sleep," said Buffy.

Dawn frowned, "Has something happened between you two?"

Buffy flushed at the memories of last night's lovemaking. "No, why would you ask that? Everything is great or in Faith's words, five by five," said Buffy awkwardly.

"Uh huh," said Dawn sceptically. "So give me the heads up, what have the lab rats said about my getting a transplant?" asked Dawn.

Spike chose that moment in walk in through the door. Although, she was loathe to admit, it, she was actually glad that she didn't have to give Dawn the bad news alone.

"Well hey, if it isn't sleeping beauty himself," grinned Dawn. "What kept ya?"

"Bit of a long night all in all," said Spike deliberately.

Buffy looked away, her cheeks aflame, her actions were not unnoticed by Dawn or Spike. Dawn noticed the wry little smile that lifted the corners of Spike's mouth.

"So, Buffy you were saying about those test results..."

"Dawnie, it's not good. No one at the diner was a match, not even me," Buffy relied.

"Yeah, but there is that registry thingy that the nurse was telling me about?" asked Dawn.

"There is, but..."

"It's another dead end right?" asked Dawn.

Buffy nodded, swallowing back the lump that had formed in her throat.

"Spike,"

"Yeah Dawn,"

"I need to talk to you about something, alone," she replied.

Buffy frowned, "Surely anything you need to say to Spike, you can say to me too," she said.

"I really can't, could you give us a moment?" asked Dawn.

Buffy grabbed her bag and got up from her seat, she glared at Spike before she left the room. Spike walked over to Dawn and sat down in the seat that his wife had just vacated.

"So what's with all the secrecy nibblet?" asked Spike.

"It's about Hank,"

"Your Dad from hell?" asked Spike, his dislike of the unknown man rising inside of him.

"Yeah, I can't talk about this in front off Buffy. She gets so mad if the subject is even brought up," said Dawn.

Spike had to agree with that. "What about him? He is somewhere in Spain and his whereabouts unknown," said Spike.

"Well that's what Buffy thinks. I got a letter from him just after mom died. He isn't in Spain, he's living in LA," Dawn admitted. "I even have an address and all. Not that I have made any effort to contact him, I'm still mad at him for not showing up at mom's funeral, but he might be a possible donor,"

"It's a long shot Dawn," said Spike bluntly.

"I know, but if I don't try...Spike I am sixteen years old...I don't wanna die," Dawn's voice broke.

"You are not going to die Dawn," Spike said, taking his sister-in-law in his arms.

"Try saying that, when it's you in the bed," said Dawn.

Spike sighed, she was right; none of them had any real comprehension of what Dawn was going through. They could only sympathise and be there for her.

"What do you need me to do?" asked Spike.

Dawn pulled out of his arms and picked up the notebook from the bedside table and quickly wrote her father's address on it.

"Find him, but please don't tell Buffy," pleaded Dawn.

"I really should," said Spike doubtfully.

"I don't want Buffy to know...I mean what if he refuses to help out?" asked Dawn.

"Don't worry, I will find him and he will come and test, even if I have to drag him kicking and screaming," said Spike firmly.

TBC