Bleach (c) Tite Kubo

Black and Blue

Worth it?

Early that morning, Ichigo clears away the few weeds that've overgrown since the last time he visited his mother's grave, placing down a fresh bouquet of yellow flowers he'd purchased on his way over.

The damage from his little skirmish with Grand Fisher is gone. Like it'd never happened in the first place.

Grand Fisher is gone.

He wasn't sure what to feel about that. Angry that the slimy hairball got away from him that first time? Ashamed he was too weak to kill it for good back then? Jealous that Dad got to kill it instead of him? Or just relieved that it's dead?

Cutting away all those gut reactions, mostly Ichigo just feels oddly numb. Its frustratingly dissatisfying.

Ichigo sits before his mother's grave, willing those thoughts away.

Instead he lets himself think back on his childhood memories, sharing stories with the epitaph - pretending it was his real mother sitting across from him, that dazzling encouraging smile on her face and nodding along with him. He tells her about everything that's happened since his last visit. Everything he's achieved, the friends he's made, the people he's protected.

Then he sits in quiet reminiscence.

Its just shy of noon by the time Ichigo bids his mother farewell and leaves, feeling an intangible weight slough off his shoulders.

Ichigo sitting on the grassy knoll that lines the riverbank, loosely folded hands hanging off his raised knees, staring off across the gently flowing water. He can see the onset of dark clouds on the horizon but they're not close enough to start bloating out the bright blue just yet.

An increasingly familiar genial tone interrupts his quiet thoughts, "Aren't you sick of me yet?"

"You know what; you're absolutely right. Piss off." Ichigo retorts sarcastically without bothering to look around.

"Oh. Okay then. If that's how really you feel, I guess I'll be going," His cousin turns about face putting on a dramatic crying act, he only gets two paces before bursting into laughter at his own stupidity. "I have no idea how Uncle Isshin keeps that up."

Ichigo offers a vague shrug, "Loads and loads of practice I'd imagine. You're known him for, what? A hundred-fifty, two hundred years?"

Kaien snorts derisively at the figure, walking over and plopping himself down next to Ichigo, "Keep going."

"Didn't you say its pretty classic behavior for him?"

His cousin concedes, "That I did. Doesn't stop me from questioning if he has a few extra screws loose from time to time."

"Hey, I've met your siblings. Every single one of you are nuttier than fruitcakes. If the three of you are any metric, Dad's pretty par for the course from where I'm standing."

"In case you've forgotten, you're part of the family too. Hate to break it to ya but you've inherited your fair share of family quirks, kid." Kaien points out wearing a crooked smirk.

Ichigo rolls his eyes, shaking his head. "Don't call me kid."

"Sorry about that, kiddo. Kidlet. Kidster. Spud - Ow!" Ichigo elbows him in the ribs hard, but Kaien sniggers and playfully shoves him back, "Oh come on, you couldn't have given me an easier target if you tried."

Ichigo grumbles under his breath, "I really should be used to you being a massive pain in my ass by now. I don't know how Ukitake, Rukia or the rest of your Division put up with you for god knows how many years."

"Come off it. You're a big brother too. Shouldn't you already know the whole point of needling younger siblings is to get a reaction out of them?" Kaien deflects with an easy grin.

Ichigo doesn't dignify that with a response. Mostly because he knows its bait and he's a bit too preoccupied with his own thoughts to get into a verbal joust over it. Fortunately for Ichigo, his cousin can be shrewd when he wants to be and picks up that this wasn't just a social visit.

Kaien calls him on it. "What's up? As much as I appreciate a text from one of my favourite baby cousins, I doubt you called me here just to give me free teasing fodder."

Ichigo is silent, feeling his mood sour. Absently fiddling with his fingers while he thinks.

"We haven't known each other long enough for me to be considered your favourite anything." Ichigo retorts weakly.

"And that is the sound of you deflecting." Kaien rightfully points out. "That's not your style, Ichi. Out with it. What's bothering you?"

Ignoring the nickname (primarily because Ichigo knows its futile effort to force Kaien to stop anyway), he lets the silence hang, his gaze drops to his folded hands, "I've got a couple questions. Some stuff I need help sorting out; problem is I don't know how to ask them without digging up nasty ghosts for you."

"Colour me intrigued. Ask away," Kaien instructs breezily, "If it's out of line, I'll say so. No harm, no foul. And I won't think any less of you if it is. Promise."

The lighthearted quip doesn't make it any easier.

Ichigo scratches the back of his neck. With less tact than he'd like and definitely less grace than the subject deserved, he blurts out his question. "When the Hollow that killed your wife died; how did you feel?"

That carefree expression evaporates instantly and Kaien's eyes go wide, like he'd been slapped in the face. Yeah, that question definitely took him off-guard. He composes himself, now wearing a measured calculating mask, studying Ichigo carefully. Gone is the happy-go-lucky mischievous goofball, a deliberate professional commanding officer in his place.

In lieu of being outright cursed at, Ichigo takes it as a sign he's clear to proceed. He may as well get the poison out.

Besides; nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

"Dad killed Grand Fisher a while back; the Hollow that killed my mum." Ichigo confesses in a breath, he swallows the lump in his throat and continues. "When I first heard that thing confess to killing her, I was overwhelmed with rage and hatred. I charged at it. Fought recklessly, wildly swinging and hacking away. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I didn't have any care about living through the fight, as long as it meant that slimy overgrown hairball went down with me."

Ichigo's fingers clench into tight fists. "I thought I'd feel... I don't know, something being told that he's dead. But I guess I don't know what to feel about it."

He feels Kaien's eyes on him, neither judging nor condemning him. "Are you angry that someone else got the kill before you did or are you disappointed it's death wasn't as satisfying as you hoped?"

"Neither? Both?" Ichigo tosses his hands up, not too sure of that answer himself.

"Why haven't you talked to your father about this?" Kaien probes carefully.

Ichigo winces, shifting guiltily on the spot. Might as well be honest about it. He's come this far.

"Talking isn't really our strong suit. Even if it was, bringing this up feels... selfish. Like it'd..." Ichigo searches for the right words and even when he speaks, he's not sure he's entirely sure he's conveyed his meaning, "Deprive him of that victory, I guess. I don't want to do that. I'm not egotistical enough to think I was the only one suffering all these years."

To Ichigo, openly complaining about it feels like he'd be trespassing on sacred ground; that he'd impinge and taint his father's success with his own childish tantrums.

Ichigo curses inwardly, his immediate family really sucked at straight communication. "Dad deserved to score that kill as much as I did. Mum was the love of his life and if it had to be someone, I'm glad it was one of us, but-"

Ichigo pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales deeply, "Its stupid. Its over. But it's still eating at me."

"Its far from stupidity. Vengeance is a complicated subject and there's no one-size-fits-all answer for any of it. Even if you killed Grand Fisher by your own hand, I guarantee you'd still be wrestling with these emotions. That's just human nature." Kaien tells him, he gestures between the two of them. "But this is healthy."

"Its healthy to whine and complain about something this infantile?" Ichigo arches an eyebrow, unamused. He feels pathetic that he can't let go. That he's stuck over something this foolish.

"Avenging your mother's murder isn't some juvenile squabble. What I'm saying is; its healthy to lay it all out so you can deal with it properly." Kaien corrects with patience and understanding, "When the target of your pain and rage is suddenly gone, and its not even by your own hands, then where does all of that go? After being focused on that one thing for such a long time, how are you supposed to redirect it to a new purpose? Its really tough shit to handle. As I've pointed out, and as much as you deny it to the contrary, you're a child and there's a Gordian knot of complex feelings at play that most adults wouldn't even begin to know how to process."

Ichigo fidgets with his hands, "Did you feel that way back then?"

Kaien clicks his tongue and leans back on his hands.

"At the bottom of it, revenge is really just an empty catharsis. Makes us feel like we've accomplished something but it doesn't bring back those we've lost. When I finally destroyed the last of Metastacia's essence, I could lie and tell you that I felt great. I was satisfied, that I howled to the high heavens with triumph and all that noble flowery bullshit they like to spin in whimsical folk tales. But the truth is I was tired. So very tired and empty and I just wanted everything to be over." Kaien answers quietly, resigned.

When Ichigo glanced his way, his cousin aged decades in seconds and his eyes are glued to the distant horizon, completely deprived of that seemingly endless youthful vitality. Fleeting seconds of vulnerability that lingered like the aftershock of a lightening strike, and it takes visible effort to pull himself back together.

"That being said, it's not entirely worthless. People struck by that kind of tragedy need that pyrrhic satisfaction. That finality, empty and vicious as it is, is what lets a person close the matter. To lay that demon to rest. It's ugly and unfulfilling and a joy of the most vacant kind, but it's closure. That closure lets people move on and heal."

Ichigo considers his words, letting the thoughts tick over in his brain. At last, he speaks, "Dad said that I should stop grieving and let myself heal. And maybe that is true."

"Do you believe him?" Kaien prompts, subdued.

"Maybe." Ichigo supplies distantly, he's not used to being laid so bare, "Punishing myself over past regrets; I'm used to it."

"Even if its miserable, its comfort in the familiar, isn't it?" Kaien asks and Ichigo makes a little sound of affirmation in his throat. "Another unfortunate family trait you've inherited in spades."

Ichigo doesn't answer, pondering in silence.

"I say he's right." Kaien announces at last, reaching over and tapping Ichigo's chest, over his heart. "Your mother may be gone, but the cherished memories you made with her, they'll stay here forever. As long as you remember her, her warmth and kindness, the good and the bad, then a piece of her will never leave you."

Ichigo rubs his chest, "Does that help you?"

Kaien scrubs a hand through his hair, evidently feeling the weight of his centuries, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want my wife back, but our precious memories I'll keep in my heart always. I'm satisfied with that. And I know she'd never forgive me if I spent the rest of my days all twisted up and feeling sorry for myself. Eternity is far too long to spend the rest of it alone."

That last part was mumbled under his breath and Ichigo figures that was more for his own benefit. He politely ignores it.

"I don't think Mum would approve if I did that either. Lamenting and commiserating, I mean." Ichigo agrees, lip curling into a bittersweet yet fond smile.

"Mmm. Flowery words are easier than actions though, aren't they?" Kaien suggests and Ichigo sends a rueful look his way.

He's hitting the nail on the head, over and over.

"Letting go of that grief; Its not easy. Even when that matter's settled, I don't have to tell you that nothing can take away that pain. There's bad days and days that aren't so bad, but waking up every morning and making the decision to push ahead in spite of that? That's courage at its finest." Kaien says, he shrugs and his fingers brush against his tattoo, "Its bitterly hard work. But just because its hard doesn't mean it's not worth it. If you don't let yourself move past that point then you'll be stuck, trapped in that moment forever. And trying to change what's set in stone? That's no way to live."

Ichigo draws in a breath, half-remembering something he'd read in class. "The best revenge is living well."

Kaien makes a noise of approval in his throat. "I'd say that's a good sentiment. If you can live by it."

Ichigo leans back on his hands, staring out at the water. "Its not like I've been obsessed with revenge or anything like that, and if I had the chance to get even with that scumbag I would've, but... I don't think I'd be able to look my mum in the eye if I wasted my life like that either. I want to be someone she can be proud of."

"If you want my two cents; she'd be damn proud of you now. But here's one last little nugget of wisdom for you. After everything happened, with Miyako and Metastacia and everything else in Hueco Mundo, I kept beating myself up over it for years - sound familiar?" Kaien juts his chin towards his younger cousin.

Ichigo snorts, "A little."

"Sick of my wallowing self-pity, my best friend ventured a very good question that I want you to keep in mind; why do you need other's permission to forgive yourself?"

"That is a damn good question." Ichigo agrees.

"Want to know the answer I came up with?" Kaien prompts rhetorically, "I don't. Neither do you. And the fantastic part about that is; you don't have to do it all at once either. You let yourself heal at the pace you want to, day by day. It doesn't matter how much or how little. As long as tomorrow is better than today, as long as you keep moving forward, then that's enough."

Ichigo's brow furrows slightly, lips twitching into a half-smirk. "Gez. Were you just the Lieutenant of the Thirteenth or did they pay you overtime as their therapist too?"

Kaien stifles a laugh, he responds frankly. "You would be astonished to learn how often those two roles coincide."

Ichigo gives a full smirk. "I'll bet."

Another long pause. They sit there quietly in each other's company, watching the world pass them by.

"Well," Kaien begins after maybe five minutes when its clear that line of discussion is over, a pale imitation of his usual cheerful bravado, "It's probably not the answers you're looking for, but they're the only ones I've got I'm afraid."

Ichigo dismisses that with a shrug. "I expected you to shut me down. I'm happy with whatever I get."

Kaien glances out at the rushing river, heaving a sigh. "Do you want to be alone?"

"Yes... no."

Out of the corner of his eye, Ichigo watches Kaien pulls back his sleeve to check his watch. "Considering its just shy of lunchtime, I could drop you off for your afternoon classes if you want. But judging from that melancholic expression on your face, its a safe bet that you're probably not in the mood to go to school today. And probably not too keen for a little sparring or Kido 1-0-1 either."

Ichigo shakes his head. "Nah, not particularly."

Kaien nods slowly then hoists himself up. "Well if you're gonna play hooky, might as well have the best big brother in the whole damn world chaperoning you around. Make sure you don't do anything too crazy."

Ichigo arches an eyebrow at him, thoroughly unimpressed. "You realise your definitions of crazy and mine don't really align, right?"

Kaien looks mildly delighted. "Yet he doesn't deny I'm the best big brother ever, I'm so touched I could cry."

Ichigo groans in disgust, "For cryin' out loud. Deflate your ego a little, will ya?"

Kaien makes a show of considering it, offering his hand out with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Mm... nah, I'm good."

Ichigo scoffs but doesn't stop the half-grin on his face. "You're one annoying bastard, you know that?"

"And you're a little smartass, I say that balances things out nicely."

Ichigo scoffs again, rolling his eyes fondly but takes the proffered hand and hoists himself up. They start walking, no particular destination in mind, content to keep the companionable silence. A thought is given to lunch. On a whim, Ichigo suggests Yakiniku barbeque. Kaien agrees.

With no real haste, they start scoping the surroundings. Its when they pass by a corner ice-cream parlour that Kaien seems to find something privately funny.

Ichigo frowns at him and the shop suspiciously. "What are you sniggering at?"

"Nothin'. That reminded me of something." Kaien tosses a thumb over his shoulder, to the parlour's sign with a distinct strawberry icon.

It's a local family-owned business and aside from an obvious (annoyingly overdone) pun, Ichigo can't imagine what's so funny about it.

"I think its my favourite memory with Masaki. We were celebrating your first...? No - your second, I think? Yeah, it was your second birthday. Masaki was holding you while Isshin brought out the cake with a candle on it. Strawberry shortcake. Don't know how to break it to you; your mum was into terrible puns, big time. Anyways. Fancy cake. Lots of frosting, lots of berry decorations. No expenses spared. Then there's you, you little grub. Do you know what you did after you blew out the candle?"

"No, but you're gonna tell me." Ichigo says. He has a suspicious feeling he's not going to like where this is going.

"While everyone was cheering and clapping, you faceplanted into the damn cake."

Ichigo stares at him blankly, "I did not."

Kaien actually giggles, "Oh, yes you did. You wriggled out of Masaki's arms and dove headfirst into the cake. The whole thing exploded. Strawberries and icing. Everywhere." Kaien pinches his arm, ignoring Ichigo's embarrassed protest. "And you, you shameless little scamp, you were wearing half your birthday cake, laughing and squealing like it was a grand old time while everyone was trying to clean it up."

"You're lying." Ichigo accuses, fighting the treacherous curl of his lip even as he fights the embarrassed red flush on his cheeks.

"Hand on my heart, I'm telling the truth. Ask Isshin; he was one stuck cleaning frosting of your hair up after the party was over." Kaien continues on regardless, "Thing is, and this is what I adored about Masaki, she was an exceptionally bright forward thinking woman. She had two cakes prepared. One you were allowed to wear and muss up as you pleased, and one for the adults to eat."

Ichigo breaks and laughs, hand covering his face. "Sounds like my mum."

They're laughing together. It felt fantastic. Ichigo hadn't heard that story before.

Ichigo sucks in a breath and blinks a few times. His expression drops. "Wait. You were there..." Dread looms overhead as a horrifying thought dawns on him. "Oh God. Does that means you have baby photos?"

The look playing across Kaien's face just now chilled Ichigo's blood in ways not even his worst enemies could manage.

"Ah, my sweet naïve precious little cousin," Kaien reaches across and hangs an arm on Ichigo's shoulders, drawing him close with a wicked nefarious grin.

"I have all of the baby photos."

Author's note:

I like to imagine there's a three part story among the baby photos in the album Isshin affectionally dubs his revenge.

First: Kaien mocking Isshin who's stuck holding a squirming cake-covered Ichigo.

Second: Toddler Ichigo slapping a cake-filled fist in Kaien's face.

Third: Isshin trying not to lose it, Ichigo looking adorably innocent and a smeared Kaien's ready to throw down with both of them.

Regards,
Aurora313