Content Advisory: Sexual Content, Suggestive Content, Major Character in Peril (Mention), Implied Prejudice (towards fictional group— "Animals"), Profanity, Animal Cruelty (Mention). High T, proceed with thoughtfulness.
✉ Chapter Thirty: No Rest for the Wicked ✉
"Glinda?!"
Glinda's heels clacked along the drawbridge as she shook bubbles out of the folds of her ballgown.
"How did you—when did you—"
"I was taking tea on my balcony when a flying Monkey came and dropped me a note informing me that you and Fiyero were getting hitched!" Glinda waved said note in Elphaba's face. Chistery landed beside Glinda and she gave him a praising pat. "I'm not mad at you, of course. You're a dear."
"How did you get here so fast?" Elphaba stammered.
"By bubble. Duh, Elphie. I dropped everything and came right over. That's why I'm such a mess," she complained, straightening her lopsided tiara.
"I can't believe you're here." Elphaba threw her arms around Glinda in a grateful hug. "I'm so glad you're here."
Glinda pulled out of the hug and looked Elphaba over. "Look at you, Elphie. What a stunning bride you make!"
"Are you sure? It's not too late for you to give me another smokey eye."
Glinda shook her head.
"Not necessary. You should get married as your beautiful self," she said before letting out an excited squeal. "Oh, Elphie. You're getting married!"
"I guess I am!" Elphaba enthused, sucked in by Glinda's infectious energy. "I'm getting married!"
"You're getting married! You're getting married! You're getting married!" Glinda chanted, hopping in a circle with her best friend before stopping short. "Sweet Oz. You're getting married. Get in there, Elphie!"
They linked arms and dashed back in the hall. Glinda kissed her on the cheek before entering the drawing room. Elphaba heard surprised gasps and words of welcome as Glinda took her seat.
"Yes, it's good to see me isn't it? But please! Do settle down. Today is not about me."
Elphaba pressed her back against the wall in the hallway, anxiously holding her poppies to her chest. She heard soft music begin playing from the phonograph and she took a deep breath before slowly stepping into the drawing room.
Lit candles and lanterns alike decorated the mantel and their flickering glow cloaked the drawing room in a warm, romantic shimmer. Fiyero wore a dashing jacket, presumably an heirloom he found amongst the castle's things, and his scruffy beard was gone leaving his smile to burst across a freshly-shaven face.
The moment Elphaba saw him waiting for her at the fireplace…nothing about the ceremony seemed silly anymore. Among all of the celebrations Fiyero had planned in his day, this was unquestionably his finest.
Their eyes met in a surreal stupor and when Fiyero reached his hand out towards Elphaba she realized that she wasn't walking. She urged her legs to move and accepted his hand as she met him at their makeshift altar at last.
"Hi," Elphaba greeted.
"Hey."
"You shaved."
"I did. I like your dress."
"Good. It's my only one."
Fiyero leaned forward to whisper privately into his bride's ear. "Is this silly?"
"No. It isn't," Elphaba breathed back. Fiyero raised his eyes to her and she shook her head with sincerity. "It's beautiful."
"You're beautiful." Fiyero pressed a long kiss to her cheek.
They leaned back, but when Fiyero offered her his other hand Elphaba realized she was still holding her flowers. She indiscriminately tossed them to the side where Glinda caught them with an excited "yes!"
"Family and friends, we are gathered here today in Kiamo Ko to join Elphaba Thropp and Fiyero Tigelaar in holy matrimony," the Vicar began. "Do both parties consent to be married under the eyes of the Unnamed God in his name?"
"Totally," Fiyero confirmed boisterously.
"Yeah, me too," Elphaba agreed, biting back a snort at Fiyero's tone.
It was hard for the room not to pick up on their religious derision. Nessarose frowned over it but the Vicar didn't appear to ruffled, taking their antics in a good-natured stride as he continued.
"Fiyero, will you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in matrimony, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"
"I will," Fiyero nodded.
Elphaba blinked in awe as Fiyero's words soaked in, somehow still stunned that he'd agreed to take her so readily. After everything, even as they stood at their own nuptials, Fiyero's love had not lost its novelty on her. She wondered if it ever would.
"Elphaba, will you take this man to be your husband, to live together in matrimony, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"
"I will."
Fiyero let out sudden, a relieved chuckle upon hearing Elphaba's consent, recalling every hurdle he'd cleared to get those two words out of her. Elphaba offered him a sympathetic smile and a wink.
"Please repeat after me. I, Fiyero, take you, Elphaba, to be my wife," the Vicar prompted.
"I, Fiyero, take you, Elphaba, to be my wife."
"…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…" the Vicar paused, "…in safety and in danger…"
Elphaba and Fiyero gripped each other's hands tighter at the added vow.
"…to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Fiyero repeated the vows to Elphaba in a solemn voice. Elphaba could hear Glinda sniffling from her spot.
"Now please repeat after me. I, Elphaba, take you, Fiyero, to be my husband."
"I, Elphaba, take you, Fiyero, to be my husband," Elphaba vowed before continuing with the rest from memory. "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in safety and in danger, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
"You may now present the rings," the Vicar said.
Fiyero reached into his pocket and supplied two, slim golden bands. Elphaba shot Fiyero a pointed look.
"You said you didn't have rings. Starting our marriage on a lie, are we?" she pestered.
"Ah—I said I didn't have an engagement ring," he corrected with a sneaky grin. "Which I don't. Don't get greedy on me, Fae."
He gently placed one of the bands in her hand and she couldn't help but soften. "They belonged to my grandparents," Fiyero explained. "I don't think they'd mind."
"Fiyero, you may place the ring on Elphaba's finger as a token of your constant faith and abiding love."
Elphaba presented her hand but they were soon interrupted.
"Other hand! It goes on the left!" Glinda corrected loudly. Glinda leaned over to Amalia. "She doesn't wear much jewelry, you see."
Elphaba shot Glinda look and jammed her left hand towards Fiyero.
"Happy?" Elphaba scowled at Glinda.
"Oh yes," Glinda dabbed her tears. "Terribly."
Elphaba turned her attention back to watch as Fiyero slid the band onto her green hand. She met Fiyero's eyes and felt her heart begin to radiate as she slipped the ring upon his finger. The lighting fixtures in the room began to steadily grow brighter, matching the inner glow of the bride and groom as it blessed their union with warm, shining light.
"By the virtue of the authority in me under the Unnamed God, I now pronounce you husband and wife," the Vicar presented jollily. "You may now kiss your bride."
Elphaba beat Fiyero to the punch as she leaned up to seal their marriage in an eager, loving kiss. Fiyero captured her close and kissed her back as their witnesses applauded.
"There's no running from me now, Tigelaar," Elphaba cautioned as they pulled away.
"You're the one who's been running," Fiyero murmured. "I just finally caught up."
Elphaba and Fiyero signed a license the Vicar had drafted, took a photo, and accepted the congratulations of their friends in a modest reception with bubbly and music.
"It's wonderful to have something to celebrate for once," Doctor Dillamond chuckled to Elphaba as Fiyero thanked the Vicar. "Heartfelt congratulations, Miss Elphaba. Heartfelt congratulations."
"Elphie!" Glinda called, finishing off her flute as she crossed the room. "I'm afraid I must bid the bride farewell. I have to hurry back before I raise any more suspicion."
"How are things on the inside?" Elphaba asked.
"Interesting…" Glinda scratched at her curls. "So much is happening, y'know? If I'd had the time I'd tell you all about Dor—"
"Glinda are you leaving without a dance?!" Fiyero complained, nostalgically giving Glinda a whirl.
"I fear I must, my sweet, sweet prince," Glinda pinched at his cheeks. She gasped in realization. "Wait. Elphie. Does this make you a princess?!"
"I'll walk you out," Elphaba said quickly before the princess tangent could take over.
Elphaba escorted Glinda out to the drawbridge and watched in admitted amazement as Glinda conjured a grand bubble.
"I told you there was a better way to come and go," Glinda tossed her hair. "Oh—wait! I can't leave without giving you your wedding gift."
She handed Elphaba a decorative bag stuffed to the brim with letters.
"Glinda. Are those—" Elphaba gasped.
"Yes," Glinda confirmed. "The old ones and the new."
"The new?" Elphaba frowned, pulling out a wax sealed envelope.
"The ones he wrote…while you were away," Glinda explained. She took Elphaba's hand and gave it a big squeeze. "Blessings to you both, Elphie. You're perfect together. I've always said so."
"You've always said so?" Elphaba challenged.
"Well, I said so eventually!" Glinda huffed as she boarded her bubble. Chistery scampered out of the castle and waved goodbye to Glinda. She blew him a kiss. "Goodbye, Chistery! Come and see me any time."
"Hold on—how did you know his name was Chistery?" Elphaba asked.
Glinda gave Elphaba a funny look as if it were obvious.
"Why…he told me of course!"
After the wedding night, Elphaba and Fiyero didn't care to leave the privacy of their castle bedroom right away as they basked in marital bliss for many days and nights. The other inhabitants of Kiamo Ko were under clear direction not to disturb them, and it was in everyone's best interest to avoid their hallway altogether lest they heard something they'd rather not hear. They surfaced only for sustenance, and even then they often took their meals in their room.
"Ms. Thropp…" Fiyero tried out, kissing his wife's collarbone. "Mrs. Thropp?"
"Mrs. Thropp-Tigelaar?" Elphaba tested as she tangled her fingers in her husband's hair. "Tigelaar-Thropp?"
"Maybe we could combine our names. Thigelaar?"
"Tropp?" Elphaba giggled as Fiyero nipped at her earlobe. "Of course there's always Mrs. Tigelaar…"
"Hmm…" Fiyero sighed in satisfaction. "I can't pretend that I don't like the sound of that."
"Forget my bastard father's name," Elphaba declared. "I've decided. You're looking at Mrs. Elphaba Tigelaar."
"Mrs. Elphaba Tigelaar," Fiyero sighed dreamily. "My wife Mrs. Elphaba Tigelaar."
"Mmm…I'll bet Father would have been so proud," Elphaba mused. "Married in a Unionist ceremony. How traditional."
"You're as pious as they come, my darling."
"And you're a paragon of virtue," Elphaba complimented Fiyero, her breath hitching as he did something decidedly unvirtuous.
"And I'm sure my parents will be honored to hear I've wedded and bedded a witch on Tigelaar soil," Fiyero hummed. "Though not exactly in that order."
"What a dream I'd be as a daughter in law," Elphaba grinned. "They couldn't have done any better for their son."
"Not even if they handpicked my wife themselves," Fiyero agreed, kissing the corner of Elphaba's mouth. "Which they tried."
Fiyero kissed Elphaba deeply as he moved on top of her, and she laughed against his mouth.
"Again, Yero? You're insatiable. I need a break," she said in flustered fashion as their legs twisted together under the sheets.
"Uh uh," Fiyero protested. "No rest for the wicked."
Elphaba pulled away with a dizzy smile, capturing Fiyero's chin with her hand. "Just let me catch my breath," she said, nodding towards her bedside table. "Read me another one."
"Ah Fae, those are depressing," Fiyero said, hoisting himself up against their headboard as Elphaba handed him one of his sealed letters.
"Too bad. I like them," Elphaba sighed, nestling against his chest as he broke the wax seal.
"Dear Fae," Fiyero cleared his throat. "Today we had to go to a banquet for The Wizard. They served mutton. It was bad. Miss you dearly. Forever yours, Yero."
Elphaba glanced up at him and he shrugged.
"They're not all deep."
He set the letter aside and wrapped his arm around Elphaba to press a long kiss to her head.
"I like knowing what you were doing. Even the little things. Those were always my favorite parts of your letters," Elphaba admitted, playing with his fingers as they cuddled.
"Then may I never run out of little things to tell you."
"Good luck, you're stuck with me forever now. The Unnamed God says so," Elphaba referenced their new favorite inside joke. "You realize that this means if we somehow avoid an early demise you'll have to watch me grow old."
"You'll have to watch me go gray," he countered. "Or bald, Oz forbid…"
"You'll see me with wrinkles."
"You'll have to fly us around on that broom of yours when our hips give out," Fiyero chuckled. He paused for a moment, rubbing her shoulder with his hand. "Or, you know…maybe the children will help us out…"
"Yeah…" Elphaba trailed off, feeling something primal stir within her. "Maybe our children will help us."
Elphaba's heartrate accelerated as they dangerously dabbled in a discussion of a future together. A huge part of her wanted to shut their drapes, to ignore the world that was on fire outside their window. She knew that Fiyero felt the same. Lust was not the only thing behind their reluctance to leave the honeymoon suite. They longed to hide away under their bedsheets, as if their consequences wouldn't catch up with them so long as they kept very still…and very quiet.
Both haunted by the same unspoken thought, Elphaba and Fiyero slammed their lips together in a frantic kiss. Fiyero pushed Elphaba onto her back and her hair splayed across their bed pillows as he began pressing attentive kisses down her jaw and neck in a deliciously familiar trail.
"Sweet Oz…" Elphaba whined, her head reclining back as Fiyero traveled lower. "I love being married."
There was a knock on the door and the newlyweds lifted their heads in supreme irritation.
"Ignore them. Don't stop," Elphaba instructed, commanding Fiyero back to his work.
There was another knock and Elphaba flourished her hand to snap the lock closed with a tense growl.
"Go away!" she barked.
"Uh, Elphaba? I really don't want to bother you…" Nessarose called through the door in a deeply uncomfortable tone. "But there's something you should know…"
Elphaba groaned and covered her face with her arms. She took a stabilizing breath before reluctantly tapping Fiyero's shoulder to stop him.
"It's no use, darling," she sighed in regret. "It seems the honeymoon's over."
Elphaba and Fiyero, disheveled but passably modest, crankily slumped downstairs where the others were gathered in the drawing room.
"What?" Elphaba snapped to the group. "What was so important?"
"We've gotten news from The Emerald City," Nessarose said. "They know that we're here."
"Alright," Elphaba shrugged as Fiyero stroked a hand through her mussed-up hair. "We knew that was a given sooner or later. My defense spell will hold. What else?"
"They are sending someone here," Doctor Dillamond informed her, holding up a newspaper. "They are prepping an assassin to kill you and bring your broom back to The Wizard."
"Okay?" Elphaba nodded slowly. They stared back at her. "With all due respect people have been trying to kill me for years. What makes this any different?"
"That house that fell upon Munchkinland, the one that almost struck Miss Nessarose? There was someone inside that house," Vicar Popkin explained. "The Munchkins filled her head with a lot of ideas about wicked witches and how wonderful The Wizard is."
"She went to see him and we can assume he's tasked her with this plan himself," Dillamond explained. "Glinda has been doing as much damage control as possible—"
"You've spoken with Glinda?"
"Through missives, yes. Glinda has managed to negotiate that The Wicked Witch of the East is not an immediate threat…" Dillamond said. Nessarose waved guiltily. "But convincing anyone that you are not a threat is a different matter."
"Mmm," Elphaba grunted in acknowledgment. "Yes, hatred for me runs deep. Okay so someone is trying to kill me. Fetch me when she gets here and I'll do The Witch thing. Problem solved. Who is this assassin anyway?"
"A girl named Dorothy Gale," Dillamond answered.
"When you say girl—"
"She's twelve," Nessarose confirmed.
Elphaba's face fell and she was quiet for a moment as she exchanged a look with Fiyero. Then, a single chuckle escaped her which made the honeymooners both break into a fit of raucous, untamed laughter.
"That's what you dragged me away from my husband for?" Elphaba cackled. "A twelve-year-old—Yero did you hear that? A twelve-year-old is after me!"
"Better watch out, Fae!"
"I know it sounds silly but—" Nessarose began.
"Have you all forgotten? I am Elphaba Thropp—"
"Tigelaar," Fiyero reminded her.
"—right. I am Elphaba Tigelaar. Nothing scares me! Certainly no twelve-year-old brat!"
"Elphaba, won't you listen!?" Nessarose blurted out heatedly. "While you've been romping around in bed we've been dealing with serious matters!"
An unhinged glint flashed in Elphaba's eyes and her smile slowly faded. "Serious matters?"
"Oh boy," Fiyero winced.
"Serious matters?! What do you think I've been doing the last few years while you were off running Munchkinland into the ground!?" Elphaba shouted. "You fancy yourself Little Miss Radical now? You'd do well to remember who single-handedly saved you from getting squashed under a house before you talk about serious matters!"
"Fae—" Fiyero reached for Elphaba's arm but she yanked it away.
"You think I don't know how serious things are?! You think I don't know how dangerous things are?!" Lights flickered as Elphaba's voice rose to an unnatural pitch. "Oh dear, and Oz forbid I enjoy a little bit of time with my husband! For all we know it very well may be the only time that we've got!"
The overhead light suddenly burst over Elphaba's head and Fiyero yanked her out of the way of the sparks. The room got uncomfortably quiet and Fiyero swiftly pulled Elphaba into a secure hug, rubbing her back to soothe her frayed nerves.
"All I was saying was—" Nessarose broke the silence in a petulant voice.
"Shut up, Nessa," Fiyero snapped. Nessarose's eyebrows shot up. "Honestly just shut up. Okay?"
She did.
"We know that the girl is no real threat, nor would The Wizard be if he were the only one behind this," Dillamond spoke up in a calm tone. Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero to turn her attention to him. Fiyero wrapped his arms around her from behind to hold her near. "But we have gained intelligence that he is not the one pulling the strings in this plot."
Elphaba sobered in understanding. "Madame Morrible."
"Precisely. We think she is growing suspicious of Glinda's true loyalties, Glinda fears this too. She is using Dorothy as a pawn to smoke you out and to test Glinda, but that isn't all."
Nessarose suddenly pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at the corner of eyes.
"What?" Elphaba asked seriously. "What is it?"
"They have Chistery," Nessarose sniffed. "Morrible captured him."
"THAT BITCH!"
Every head in the room turned in surprise towards the meek Amalia whose voice, or at least its volume, had been reinvigorated at last.
"Sorry…" Amalia squeaked suddenly, covering her mouth with her long claws.
"No. Say it, Amalia! You're right to do so after everything she's done to silence you," Elphaba said, her voice trembling with fury. She turned to Dillamond. "When did they take him?"
"Last night. We believe he was intercepted while bringing a missive to or from Miss Glinda. Morrible…" Dillamond trailed off and Nessarose let loose a troubled sob.
"Tell me."
"Morrible has devised a public execution. Today."
"What?!" Elphaba gasped in horror. "For what crimes?!"
"All of the Monkeys have been marked as deserters since their escape, but I'm afraid it's more serious than that. Chistery has been caught speaking," Dillamond said with a sadly ironic smile. "They're making an example out of him."
"No…no! I won't let this happen!" Elphaba swore. "Madame Morrible has taken too much from me already—from all of us. She is not getting Chistery too!"
"What are you going to do?" Nessarose asked.
"I'm going to do what I do best, Nessa," Elphaba said. "I'm going to make a scene."