Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 4
Janet must have been even more exhausted than she thought because she didn't wake until Sam knocked on her door at 0800. Sam took one look at her and knew she had had a rough night. Janet was still wearing the clothes she arrived in, and they were very rumpled. What was left of her makeup was smeared, and her eyes were a little puffy; Sam was not surprised to see that she had been crying.
"Oh, no! I didn't mean to sleep so long!" she exclaimed as she answered the door.
"No problem," answered Sam. "I'm sorry to wake you. I just wanted to see how you were feeling this morning. Also to bring you this." She held out a paper grocery bag. "It's shower gel, moisturizer, underwear not issued by the Air Force, that kind of thing." Janet grinned like a kid at Christmas as she took the bag.
"Thank you! I don't mind wearing BDU's, but military soap is just a little much. I guess I should go ahead and grab a shower before the morning gets any later."
"By the way, General Hammond is making lots of phone calls on your behalf, and he's hoping to have a briefing sometime before noon to let you, and all of the rest of us, know what he's found out."
Janet thanked her again, and Sam left her to get ready. As the Colonel walked into her lab, she was somewhat surprised to see Daniel and Nick inside. They appeared to be waiting for her, but neither noticed that she had walked in the door.
"No, Daddy! I don't wanna play with Aunt Sam. I wanna go to Mommy!" whined Nick. He wasn't nearly as upset as he had been the night before, but he was far from happy. Daniel closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He looked, if possible, even more ragged than Janet had, and Sam suspected he had hardly slept at all. Although she was somewhat curious how Daniel might answer his son's request, she decided to help him by trying to distract Nick.
"You don't want to play with me, Nick?" she asked, pretending to be offended. Both Jackson men started and looked at her. She walked over to Nick and knelt down to his level. "It's Saturday, buddy. We always hang out on Saturday, remember? Maybe we could go bother Uncle Jack, what do you say?" Daniel looked grateful and relieved, but Nick was unconvinced.
"I want Mommy."
"Nick," began Daniel, "you remember what I told you about Mommy having to go away. She loves you very much, but she has to watch over you from heaven now, remember." His voice quaked slightly.
"But she was here last night," insisted the boy. "I know it."
"Nicky, the lady from last night wasn't Mommy," answered his father, the first unequivocal statement he had issued on the matter. "I know she looks like her, but it isn't Mommy."
Nick began to cry. "It is Mommy. I want Mommy, please!" His voice was more pitiful than demanding, and Daniel looked at Sam helplessly.
"How did it go with her last night?" she asked. "Did he calm down?" Daniel simply nodded. Nick's cries grew louder, and Daniel picked him up, but if anything it made Nick more upset.
"What do you think?" he asked Sam after a moment. "She said she would see him again in the morning, but I don't want to give him the wrong idea, false hope and all that. And it was kind of awkward between the two of us," he confessed. "She's so much like Janet, and apparently she and Daniel were, uh, well anyway, I just don't know if this is a good idea." Sam didn't respond. She wasn't surprised to find her suspicion about Janet and the other Daniel confirmed, but she really had no idea what to do. She could see that Daniel was conflicted as he struggled with Nick, who was getting quite fussy, and tried to deal with his own emotions. Finally, he gave in to what he knew Nick wanted. If he were completely honest with himself, he wanted it as well. "Sam, could you see if she could come here?"
Sam agreed quickly—somehow it seemed to her like the right thing to do as well—and went to see if Janet had finished her shower.
Nick calmed down again for Janet, but this time both she and Daniel tried to make it clear to him that she wasn't his mother. The little boy looked dubiously at her as she tried to explain, in abbreviated, three-year-old terminology, about her own universe and how she had gotten there. Nick was an alarming combination of her own features and Daniel's. Overall, he looked more like his mother, but he had his father's piercing blue eyes as well as those eyes' power of expression. The result was thoroughly disconcerting, and she found it terribly difficult to say things that hurt or confused him.
"I don't believe you," Nick responded for about the twelfth time, as Janet finished her explanation. "I want you to be Mommy. I know you're Mommy." Janet exchanged a helpless glance with Daniel, who sighed heavily.
"Nick," he began again. Fortunately, they were interrupted at that moment by Sam, Jack, and Teal'c.
"General Hammond just got off the phone with the President and the Joint Chiefs and God knows who else. He's ordered me and the two of you to a briefing. Nick, I brought Uncle Jack and Uncle Teal'c to play with you until your Daddy gets out of his meeting, okay?" Although Nick ordinarily loved to play with Uncle Jack and Uncle Teal'c, he crawled reluctantly out of Janet's lap as Jack approached him.
"Mommy?" he said nervously as Janet stood to follow Sam.
"You be good for Uncle Jack, okay?" she told him, kneeling down to kiss his forehead. Nick nodded bravely and took Jack's offered hand.
"Well, Dr. Fraiser," said General Hammond, once Sam, Daniel, and Janet were settled around the table, "you have two choices. We could feign a mistake on our part and explain that Janet Fraiser was only missing in action and not killed; she is now returned in the form of you, and you assume her identity, uh, with all the rights and responsibilities thereof." He glanced at Daniel as he finished. "Naturally, you and Dr. Jackson should probably discuss that option together." There was a somewhat awkward pause as both Daniel and Janet studied their hands, allowing the General's words to sink in. "The second option," he continued, "is for you to enter something like the witness protection program. The government would relocate you, give you a new identity, and you could start over, provided, of course, that you sign extensive breach of security agreements and so forth. As much as I would like to keep you on around here if you chose a new identity, I'm afraid they were insistent that you'll have to start over somewhere else. You have about twenty-four hours to make your decision, doctor."
Janet's head was reeling as she nodded agreement. More than anything, she just wanted to go home. Instead, she had to become a person she wasn't—either an invented complete stranger or a different version of herself who was married to Daniel, had a three-year-old son, and had died two months ago. She had no idea which was the better option.
The general asked Sam to remain behind for a moment, and Janet and Daniel found themselves together in the hallway. His face was inscrutable as he looked at her; it seemed to register both attraction and resistance.
"Um, I think we both should take a few hours to think about this," she began. "Or at least I know I need some time," she amended as his face showed no change. "But can we talk this afternoon?"
"I think that would be a good idea," agreed Daniel, still not giving anything away in his ordinarily-expressive face. He nodded once and then walked away.
As Janet approached the door of Daniel's office several hours later, she knew what she wanted, but she also knew it was a decision she would not and could not make without his agreement. She knocked hesitantly and was somewhat surprised when he answered it himself instead of calling for her to enter.
"Hi," she said softly.
"Come in." He offered a small, nervous smile, the first she had seen from him, and she felt both reassured and apprehensive. He emptied a chair of its books and invited her to sit down, settling himself opposite her in the desk chair.
Daniel studied her as she took a breath, trying to begin. He forced himself to be patient. He had tried, in the past few hours, to think rationally about the decision. He tried making lists of pros and cons, mostly in order to get on paper the many reasons why having her stay was a horrible idea. The lists soon found themselves crumpled in the trash can as he realized he would have to go with his overwhelming gut instinct. He knew what he wanted her to choose, though he knew it would be impossibly difficult. But it had to be her decision, and the last thing he wanted to do was to force his own ideas on her.
Janet decided to be straightforward and trust her ability to read his reactions. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about the General's two options, and although they both seem to have their difficult points, my inclination is to stay here and to be Janet Fraiser." Relief flooded Daniel's eyes, and he seemed to release a breath he had been holding. "But only if it's okay with you," she hurried on, wanting to say it all before he could interrupt. "I know I'm not that Janet Fraiser, even if the law said I was, and I would never want to presume. . . I mean, the explanations would be awkward, especially for you, not to mention that I would never want to insult or cheapen her memory in any way. If you want me to go, please say so, and I will, without a second thought, and please, Daniel, be perfectly honest. We can't try to be polite about this and do something you would resent forever." She bit her bottom lip nervously as she waited for his response, already wondering if it would not have been wiser to run away and start entirely anew.
Although he could think of a thousand reasons why pretending that this Janet was his Janet was a terrible idea, Daniel couldn't help wanting her to stay in his life. He was sure his relief was evident in his voice. "I want—I mean if it's really what you want—I want you to stay. I think it will be hard, both of us knowing, uh, who you really are, but I don't want to take away from you your name and the only friends you have in this universe. And watching you with Nick—I mean, you wouldn't have to spend lots of time with him if you didn't want to, but if you could see him from time to time, I think it would probably be good for him." It was true about Nick, he knew, but he also recognized that part of himself couldn't bear to say goodbye to her, even as he reminded himself he couldn't get too close. Not my Janet, he practically yelled at himself as he watched her watching his reaction.
"I think I would like that," Janet said shyly. "I'm already getting fond of Nick."
Over the following weeks, Janet became acclimated to life at this universe's SGC. She had wanted Steven Tharp to remain CMO, but everyone—Dr. Tharp loudest of all—had insisted she take on the position, which they all saw as rightfully hers. Once she was free to leave the base, Sam helped her find a nice apartment near Daniel's house so that she could visit Nick easily.
The little boy became more and more her son every day. She shouldn't have been surprised at his ability to win his way into her heart; Cassie had done the same thing, after all. Nevertheless, Janet was always struck with a giddy feeling when Nick cast his sparkling blue eyes up at her and called her "Mommy." She and Daniel had tried for a while to explain to Nick that she wasn't actually his mother, but their attempts were largely unsuccessful. Finally, they decided that until he was old enough really to understand what had happened, it was unfair to confuse him.
Her relationship with this Daniel was eminently more complicated than her relationship with the other Daniel had ever been. According to all documents on record, they were legally married. The one time Janet tried to mention that if he wanted it, she would be okay with a divorce—since, after all, they had never actually married each other—Daniel looked shocked and alarmed and finally stammered that they shouldn't make such a rash decision so quickly, unless she wanted a divorce. Janet assured him that she didn't, and the subject never came up again. They saw one another almost every day, between work and Nick, and were growing increasingly comfortable with one another. Nevertheless, caution dominated their friendship, and out of fear as well as respect for the dead Janet, they were both careful not to get too close.