Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 5
About a year after Janet arrived, Daniel was asked to go off-world on a diplomatic mission—a rare occurrence. He was hesitant at first to leave Nick; the last time one of his parents went off-world, she was carried home dead. Daniel's conscience soon got the better of him, though, and he agreed to accompany SG-1, leaving Nick in Janet's capable hands.
Janet enjoyed having several days to spend with Nick, who had celebrated his fourth birthday and was growing at a remarkable pace. She also enjoyed staying in what always felt like her own house, even though it was now Daniel's. As much as she liked her apartment, it never really felt like home.
The night before Daniel was due to return, Janet put Nick to bed and then took a shower before having her customary bedtime cup of tea. When she got out of the shower and put on her pajamas, she was alarmed to hear noises in the kitchen. She grabbed a phone, ready to call 911, and a can of Mace, and snuck down the hallway to investigate. Daniel was in the kitchen, still dressed in BDUs, and preparing the water to make tea.
"Jesus, Daniel, you scared me! What are you doing back?"
Daniel turned around and broke into a broad grin at the sight of her standing wet-haired in the doorway, armed with Mace and a telephone. "Sorry to scare you. I guess I should have called, but when we got back I didn't know if I would be home tonight or not, and then it was kind of late, and I didn't want the phone to wake Nick. The diplomacy got a little, uh, undiplomatic, and we had to cut out a bit early." He gestured slightly to a cut above his left eye that was closed with five stitches; Janet had already noticed it and was moving toward him, the concerned "Dr. Fraiser" look in her eyes.
"What happened to your head?" she asked, gently pushing him into a chair so that she could get a look at it.
"Oh, it's nothing. The villagers chased us out of town with some rocks; one of them grazed me." He hissed slightly as she prodded his wound. He tried to look annoyed, suppressing the fleeting realization that he loved it when she fussed over him.
"Grazed? Honestly, Daniel, I'm surprised the infirmary released you. You drove home?"
"I'm fine, Janet. Steven said so." She continued to probe his head, feeling for other injuries, but Daniel was too overwhelmed by her close proximity to pay attention to what she was doing. She had just come from her shower and smelled fresh and sweet, her hair hanging wet over her shoulders. She wore flannel pajama pants low on her hips and a snug, black tank top that was short enough to expose a small strip of midriff. No bra, he thought with a gulp as he realized he was eye-level with her breasts, their taut nipples poking at the thin material of her top. Suddenly he realized she was talking to him. "What did you say?"
She frowned at him. "I said I should head home, since you're back, but you don't seem to be very well to me. I'm surprised Steven didn't keep you in the infirmary. I wonder if I shouldn't stay tonight, just to make sure you're okay."
"I think I'm okay," Daniel admitted, albeit reluctantly. He suddenly desperately wanted her to stay, but he didn't really want to feign injury either. He grasped her wrist, and she looked surprised but not upset. "But please do stay. I mean, if you want to. You're already ready for bed and everything. You don't want to get out again." Janet looked suspicious and opened her mouth, but she was interrupted by the whistle of the tea kettle.
"I'll stay for a cup of tea, anyway," she admitted, pouring out the boiling water, "and we can see how you're feeling afterwards." Daniel grinned victoriously as he watched her pull out two mugs from the cabinet. It had been months since his "it's not your Janet" voice had put up much of a fight; as he grew to know this Janet, not only was he scarcely ever tempted to confuse the two, but he also found his thoughts increasingly preoccupied by the woman in front of him.
Janet and Daniel settled on the couch with their tea. She tucked her feet underneath her and studied him as he blew lightly into his cup to cool the boiling water. She smiled as she realized how comfortable they had become around one another. Her relationship with the other Daniel had been one of restrained friendship concluding in four days of frantic passion; they had never sat comfortably together drinking tea. Of course, she reminded herself as always, he and his Janet probably did this all the time. Occasionally she caught him staring at her and flattered herself that her own carefully hidden feelings might be returned. She now felt like she knew this Daniel even better than she had known her Daniel, but she was sure the converse was not true. Anything Daniel might feel for her was really displaced affection for his dead wife. This line of thought always frustrated and depressed her, so she decided to try conversation instead.
"So tell me about your mission? Why did it end so badly?"
"Well, I got called along because I'm supposed to be the most experienced diplomat, which should have clued me in more than it did that these people weren't much interested in diplomacy. I mean, Jonas usually gets along with people pretty well. I thought the talks were actually going fairly well when Sam realized that her instruments had been malfunctioning and her readings were off. Turns out there were only trace amounts of naquadah on the planet. As soon as she realized there wasn't much to be gained from a technological point of view, she was ready to pull out and head home, much to the chagrin of the natives, who were just deciding that making a deal with us might have some advantages. I got pissed off at Sam, they got pissed off at me, and things pretty much went downhill from there." Daniel shrugged as he finished.
"Did you and Sam patch things up?" Janet asked with some concern.
"Oh, we'll be fine, I'm sure. I swear, though, she gets more and more like Jack every day," he commented, though with an affectionate grin that made Janet know that he really had forgiven Sam. "You know," he continued after a pause, "going through the gate again was surprisingly fun. I was pretty nervous about it. I mean, I haven't been off-world in about two years myself, if you can believe that, and then after Janet was killed, I didn't think I would ever want to go back. But I had forgotten how much I love it. What I do now, translating everything the teams bring back, is still exciting in its way, but you lose sight of the human side of things. And there's nothing quite like stepping through that open wormhole."
Janet was a little surprised at this reaction. "So do you think you'll want to go on more missions now?"
He frowned, considering. "I don't know. I still think it's most important to be careful for Nick's sake, but at the same time, you can't stop living life just because something bad might happen. Losing people usually makes me overcautious, but I don't think that's the best lesson." He was now looking at her intently, and Janet felt her breathing become slightly more shallow at the unreadable expression in his eyes. "Maybe the better plan is to take every moment as it comes and give your all to the people who are in your life for as long as they're in it."
Janet felt pretty sure he wasn't really talking about going off-world, or at least wasn't only talking about it, but the power of speech seemed to have abandoned her. She was saved the task of responding, however, when a cry came from the back of the house.
"No, no, Mommy come back! Mommy, Mommy!" Both Janet and Daniel leaped up and raced to Nick's bedroom.
The little boy was writhing around, his legs becoming entangled as they kicked at the bedclothes. Janet reached him first and pulled him into her arms, trying to soothe and wake him at the same time.
"Shh, shh, Nicky sweetheart. It's okay. I'm here. It was just a dream. Wake up, sweetie, wake up." She held and rocked him as Daniel perched on the other side of Nick's bed and began to rub his son's back. Nick soon stopped struggling and slowly came out of his nightmare.
"Mommy?" he asked as he studied Janet with bleary eyes. "You're really here? You didn't go away?"
Janet smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead. "I'm here, my darling. You had a bad dream, but it's over now, and I've been here the whole time. And look who came back early." She directed Nick's attention to Daniel.
"Daddy!" he cried, his face lighting up. He held out his arms for a hug from his father.
"Hey kiddo! I missed you while I was gone."
"I missed you too, Daddy," Nick answered solemnly. He looked from Janet to Daniel as if to determine that they were both really there.
"Nick, do you want to tell us about your nightmare?" Daniel asked. "Sometimes if you talk about bad dreams, they don't come back." Nick looked thoughtful for a moment as he considered this advice.
"I couldn't find Mommy," he said softly, crawling back into Janet's lap. "You were gone, like before, and Daddy was very sad. I wanted you, and I kept calling you, and you weren't here. You weren't anywhere." He burrowed his head into Janet's breast, and Janet and Daniel exchanged concerned looks over Nick's head.
"I'm sorry you had that bad dream, my darling," Janet replied, holding Nick tightly. "But we're here now, Nick, and we love you, and we're not going anywhere." Nick suddenly sat up and looked hopefully at Janet.
"You're not going back to your house? You're going to stay here and live with us again?"
Janet had not at all expected that reaction and was struck speechless. She knew Nick was a very intelligent boy, but sometimes he surprised her with his perceptiveness. She bit her bottom lip and ventured a glance at Daniel.
"I don't know, Nick," Daniel answered, though he kept his gaze fixed on Janet instead of on his son. "Mommy and I would have to talk about that."
"Why doesn't Mommy live here all the time?"
"Nick, sometimes mommies and daddies don't live in the same house," answered Janet, having recovered her speech but still feeling like the situation was slightly surreal. "But that doesn't change how much they love their children," she reassured him.
"You love me?" Nick asked her.
"Of course, my darling. Very, very much. Don't ever forget that."
"And you love Daddy?"
Janet froze. She was aware of Daniel's near presence and his eyes boring into her. Could she confess her feelings in front of Daniel? The alternative—lying to Nick—seemed worse, somehow. She took a deep breath. "Yes, Nick, I do." She couldn't manage to look at either of them but stared down at her hands as she said it. As she watched, one of Daniel's hands crept across the blanket and clasped one of hers. Before she could help herself, her fingers closed around his, and she was astonished as he stroked her knuckle with his thumb.
"Daddy, do you love me and Mommy?" asked Nick, apparently nonplussed by his parents' mild display of affection.
"I love you both more than you can imagine," answered Daniel without hesitation. His voice, however, was soft and thick with emotion. He squeezed Janet's hand as he leaned forward to kiss Nick. "And now, son, I think it's time for you to get back to sleep. Do you think you can sleep without nightmares now?"
"Uh-huh," nodded Nick, settling back on his pillow. Daniel released Janet's hand to tuck Nick in, and she fought the empty feeling that struck her the moment he let go. They kissed Nick goodnight again, and Janet managed to get out the door ahead of Daniel. Her head was reeling, and she had no idea what she would say to him. Should she apologize straight away? Wait for him to make the first move?
She didn't turn around as she walked back into the living room, and when she spotted their empty tea mugs on the coffee table, she seized them up and headed for the kitchen without looking at him. As she set the mugs in the sink, she was aware of him standing directly behind her. She drew in a sharp breath as he placed his hands lightly but decisively on her hips.
"I meant what I said, Janet," he whispered, his voice close to her ear.
She wanted to believe him, but she vocalized her fears instead. "I think it's important for Nick to know how much you love his mother." This time it was Daniel who inhaled sharply, but at the same time, he increased the pressure of his hands on her hips.
"I did love Nick's mother," Daniel said after a pause. "And part of me will always love her, just as part of me will always love Sha're. But over the past year, you have helped to heal my grief and have reawakened parts of my heart that I thought were dead. I love you, Janet."
"I'm not her, Daniel," she replied, determined that her caution would temper the hope that was rising within her. She realized her voice was shaking. "Are you sure you know the difference?"
"Positive," he answered with a low laugh. His hands crept around her waist, grazing the exposed skin of her stomach and pulling her closer. "As I have gotten to know you—as you—I've only come to love you more. I love you for yourself, not because you remind me of her." Janet allowed herself to relax and lean against him. It's okay, she told herself incredulously. She shivered involuntarily as he kissed the shell of her ear. Suddenly, he stopped. "Uh, Janet?"
"Hmm?" she answered, trying to bring herself back down to earth. Oh no, she thought, he regrets it.
"You did mean what you said in there, didn't you?" He sounded genuinely, if slightly, worried.
"Yes, Daniel, I did." She smiled.
"And you meant me, right? Not your Daniel from before?"
Janet turned around in his arms to look up at him, hoping that the love she felt shone through in her eyes. "I want you to be my Daniel," she whispered. She watched in wonder and delight as all traces of anxiety disappeared from his face. She wrapped her arms around him as his lips descended to hers.
Kissing Daniel was like coming home. The pain and anxiety of the past year, of always feeling like an imposter, out of place, melted away as she lost herself in the feel of his lips on hers, his hands roving over her body. It's okay; this is right; we're together, exactly where we're supposed to be, she cried elatedly to herself, her last entirely coherent thoughts of the night.
The End