Title: Dis-cussion
Author: Kathy Rose
Category: Humor
Codes: S, others
Rating: R (for subject matter -- just to be safe)
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to someone else, etc., etc., etc. I'm not making any money, I'm just having fun with the characters. Wish I'd thought of them first.
Summary: Hoshi and the girls dis the guys, and wind up talking about men and sex. Set in the Expanse, but before everything starts to fall apart.
Author's Note: Other stories on this topic or similar ones have been done, I'm sure. No infringement on those stories is intended. I just sat down at the keyboard the other night and this happened.
"Men are soooo...ooooh! I could just kill them sometimes."
Hoshi's comment was greeted by a general murmur of agreement. She'd had a rough day, and unwinding with three of her girlfriends at dinner in the mess hall was the perfect opportunity to gripe.
As Liz Cutler, Olivia Kelly and Amanda Cole listened while they ate, Hoshi continued, "I can't believe Commander Tucker this afternoon on the bridge." Pausing as she ate some fried rice, she nodded vigorously for emphasis. "Just when you think you've heard them say every possible stupid thing, they come up with something new."
"What happened?" Amanda prodded, a look of mixed apprehension and anticipation on her face.
"I was working on the UT upgrade. I've been working on it for three days now, and I'm about ready to pull my hair out. This afternoon, the captain looks over from his chair where he's doing been nothing for two hours and says, 'Hoshi, I want you to drop the UT upgrade for now and instead work on translating that protocol document from the Naladians.'"
"So what did Trip say?" Amanda asked, blushing as everyone at the table looked at her. She was fairly new to this group of friends and was still a bit shy, but everyone knew the MACO had the hots for the chief engineer.
Hoshi gave her an evil smile. "He came over to my bridge station, leaned over and said, and I quote, 'You need to learn how to prioritize, Hoshi.'" She snorted. "Like it's going to make a difference what we know about protocol if we can't talk to them!"
"There's something about men stating the obvious, even when it's wrong," Olivia said.
The pretty engineering crewman's statement was greeted with another ripple of agreement from the group.
Stabbing viciously at a shrimp in her fried rice, Hoshi said, "The moment I saw the commander walking in my direction, I knew he'd have some smart-ass comment. Men!"
"They are rather predictable, aren't they?" Liz said as she reached for her glass of water.
"That's about the only thing you can count on out here -- the way the male crewmembers will react in certain situations," said Olivia.
That earned a snicker from Liz. "If you want to know when they're really predictable, all you have to do is bring up sex."
"Oh?" Amanda asked, trying to act innocent but blushing furiously.
"Oh really, Amanda!" Hoshi said. "You work physically with men day in and day out. You can't tell me you don't think they all react the same way where sex is concerned."
"Well, yes, they do," she admitted. "But McKenzie and Money and I..."
Hoshi, sensing a tantalizing bit of gossip, encouraged her. "Come on, spill it."
"We've trained so much with them that we think they think we just 'some of the guys.' I was just...curious...if Commander Tucker was any different.'"
"'Commander Tucker,'" Liz repeated. "Listen to you. We all know he's been giving you Vulcan neuro-pressure."
"So far that's all it's been," Amanda muttered.
"He's a man just like the rest of them," Olivia put in.
Amanda sighed. "So far he's been a perfect gentleman. ... Did you say something, Hoshi?"
"I said," Hoshi said more loudly, "if he ever did have sex, he probably would show up with his tools."
The rest of the women at the table erupted in laughter.
"Oh, yeah. I can hear it now," Liz said, dropping her voice and imitating a Southern accent. "'Need a screw?'"
"And of course he'd have his 'screwdriver' handy," Olivia said between giggles.
The laughter died down, only to erupt again when Liz remarked, "And what about Lieutenant Reed -- the Master Blaster?"
"Oh my gosh," Hoshi said, giggling now as the banter improved her mood. "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"
"Just think of all the references to weapons that can be taken sexually," Olivia mused. "Phase pistols, torpedoes, cannons... They're all phallic symbols."
"No wonder he looks so relaxed after he blows something up," Hoshi said.
As the laughter went up in volume again, the doors to the mess hall opened and in walked the subjects of their discussion. Both Trip and Malcolm looked in their direction, their attention having been caught by the group's raucous noise.
The four women watched as the two officers walked toward the captain's mess, and they saw Trip nudge Malcolm with his elbow and say something. Malcolm grinned, but quickly switched to frowning as he realized all the women were looking at them.
"Having dinner with the captain," Hoshi remarked to no one in particular as the men entered the private area.
"Ah, the captain," Liz said dreamily.
"He's just another man," Olivia said.
"Yeah, but what a man."
"Oh, come on, Liz," Hoshi put in. "You don't have to work with him day in and day out. Animal stories, half-baked plans, and right now, obsessive behavior."
"Hmmm." That was from Amanda, who had been silent for a while. "What do you think he'd be like?"
At the incredulous looks on the others' faces, Amanda said, "What? A girl can dream, can't she?"
There was a long pause as the women tried to envision what sex with the captain would be like.
"Animalistic," Hoshi said finally.
A titter ran around the table. Then Liz's eyes lit up. "Water."
"Water?" asked Amanda.
"Yes, water," Liz told her. "He loves water polo. He probably likes to do it in the shower."
"And play with his water polo ball," added Hoshi sarcastically.
"Oh, he only has one?" Olivia asked coyly.
Trying to keep a straight face, Hoshi said, "If you've seen the size of that ball, one is enough."
The four were just starting to calm down from the mirth Hoshi's comment had caused when Travis walked in. He, too, headed for the captain's mess, but not before pausing to wave to the group. Of all the men on board, Travis seemed to be the most at ease around female crewmembers.
Liz commented on that fact, and Hoshi said, "He grew up a boomer, you know. He was around women a lot. He's very comfortable with them."
A chorus of "Uh-huh's" and "Sure's" came from her friends at the table.
"How comfortable, Hoshi?" Olivia asked in a teasing tone.
"Personally, I wouldn't know," the linguistic replied. "He's just a good friend."
"Yeah, right," Liz said. "So, does he talk about his 'joystick?'" At the groans from the others, she added, "What? He's the pilot."
"And what a housing his joystick is attached to," Olivia put in.
Liz swatted at her playfully.
"So, Amanda," Hoshi said to the MACO in the group. "How about your boss?"
"Major Hayes?" she asked. At Hoshi's nod, she said, "To tell the truth, I've been with the MACOs so long that I don't even really think of him as a man any more."
Surprised exclamations met this confession.
"It's true!" Amanda insisted. "I guess maybe it's self-defense. I have to work so closely with him, as well as the other men in the unit. I can't allow myself to think of him sexually, or I might get distracted at just the wrong moment and get myself or someone else killed."
There was a moment of silence as the other women digested this viewpoint.
Liz broke the silence. "Pity."
"I bet he's into bondage," Hoshi said suddenly. At the surprised looks, she said, "Think about it. He's a control freak. He's got the other control freak -- Lieutenant Reed -- climbing the walls with paranoia. The major would have to be totally in charge."
"Actually, I can see that," Amanda said. "Now if I can just get that picture out of my mind."
Liz and Olivia laughed, and Hoshi said, "Sorry."
"It would probably involve handcuffs, don't you think?" Liz said.
"He's got at least one pair," Amanda said dryly. "Can we please change the subject?"
"Well, there's always Doctor Phlox," Hoshi said with a bright smile toward Liz.
"He's just a friend," Liz retorted.
"Just like Travis is my friend," Hoshi said.
The two women looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
"The doctor used to give me the creeps with that smile of his," Olivia admitted. "Then I just figured he's really happy all the time."
"Gee, I wonder what he's so happy about? Got any ideas, Liz?" Hoshi teased.
"I really don't know," Liz said. "And I haven't asked."
"He's probably thinking about his three wives," Hoshi speculated.
"Three wives?" Amanda asked. "No wonder he's smiling. He's gotten a reprieve being on this mission."
"Either that, or he needs group sex," Olivia put in. "Maybe we should all troop down to sickbay and ask."
At the shrieks from her friends, Olivia defended herself, "I said ask. I didn't say offer."
The group quieted again. Hoshi found her gaze going to the door of the captain's mess and said, "I wonder what they're talking about in there."
"You can bet it's not us," Liz said. "T'Pol's in there, too, isn't she? They wouldn't dare carry on like this with her there."
There were nods of agreement around the table, all of which stopped abruptly as the Vulcan sub-commander walked into the mess hall, not from the captain's mess, but through the main doors.
Hoshi, Liz, Olivia and Amanda watched as T'Pol went to the dispenser and got a cup of tea. Turning around and seeing their scrutiny of her, she walked to their table.
"Ensign, Crewman, Crewman, Corporal," T'Pol said in greeting. "Is there something I can do for you?"
Hoshi stuttered for a moment, but her curiosity got the better of her. "Actually, would you like to join us, Sub-commander?"
T'Pol cast a glance at those around the table and, reaching a decision, pulled a chair over from another table. "I believe the phrase is, 'I would be delighted.'"
As Liz, Olivia and Amanda shared amused glances, Hoshi directed her gaze at T'Pol. "So, Sub-commander," she said. "What do the men talk about when they're in the captain's mess?"