Author's Notes: Next chapter... Abby gets better slowly but surely... Trust me on this... Anyways I need to get back to reading "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" for AP Lang and Composition... Enjoy the chapter, while I enjoy reading about the fires of hell...So when ur done, just please read and review? Tell me what you like and don't like.. What you would like to see happen? Just any little bit of guidence would be great!? Thanks!!!!

I finish rubbing the rest of the suntan lotion onto Millie's back. I just went through the family; its an obsession I have. Skin cancer, lung cancer, breast cancer, you name it I'm probably worried about it affecting my kids. It's the last official day of vacation, although everyone's already started school. Labour Day. And the weather is actually cooperating with us today. Jack suggested taking the yacht out for a ride, we'll have barbeque some of the food we brought, and watch the last fireworks of the year on the lake. It sounded like a good plan, so we all joined in. Amy was flying in with her boyfriend, and I think they've been together for about a year and a half now, it seems to be getting pretty serious. Yet we've never met the guy, so I suggest her bringing him along. I wonder what he's going to be like. I hope she has more common sense than Jack. I think he's bringing his newest arm ornament along too. He said she was a redhead, that's a change. I let Millie wander off with her friend Katie, since everyone was bringing someone along, I let her bring along her best friend. I see Carter and Jack walking toward me, talking about something quite intensively. They suddenly drop the conversation and head over to me. I wonder what they're talking about. Probably me. But whatever. I'm used to gossip, I work around it. I see Jack start waving toward the dock, and I turn. Amy's figure comes into the distance, dragging a tall brown haired man along with her. No wonder Amy keeps him around is all I can think about. He's a catch. She's looks great, dressed in a pair of white pants and a beige top. He's in a pair of black slacks and a polo shirt. Even from the distance, he looks very presentable. I think my girls have great taste in men. I mean John wasn't the worst thing to come along either. I see Amy give her purse and sweater to Brandon and break out into a quick run. He calmly walks up the dock as Amy practically dives into Carter's arms.

"Hi princess."

She has her legs wrapped around his waist and her head is resting on her shoulder. I put down the things I had been holding and head over to Brandon, someone who looks very confused and uncomfortable. I meet him at the doc, and help him through the door.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Abby Lockhart. I'm Amy's mom."

"Dr. Brandon Kennedy. Pleasure to finally meet you."

He takes my outstretched hand and shakes it, loosening up the second he knew what was going on. I take Amy's purse and sweater from him, I'll put it near the rest of the kid's things. He follows me toward the bow of the ship, where I saw the three of them heading.

"I'm sorry for Amy's reaction, but as you know, we've had a tough family situation lately."

"Yes, I know. I'm sorry about that. Amy told me what happened to her dad. Has his memory improved any?"

I shake my head no, even though I've spent a fair amount of time with him. I've gone through pictures and movies, cards and letters, memories and recollections. Anything I could think of, sitting with him late into the nights a few times. Nothing works, nothing at all. He's gone, I don't know if he'll ever come back. I eventually gave up and tried to teach him the stupid things the kids love. Some of the nicknames, their habits, their hobbies, things he used to do with them, things they would joke about. Somehow he caught on, and Rob and Ethan have been more comfortable around him. He may not understand what he's talking about or doing, but at least the kids feel like they have part of their father back.

I lead Brandon toward the group, then break away when I know he'll make it there alright. I head back toward the front of the boat. I'm not in the mood to socialize. I don't know what it is, but I think it's work, and dealing with the kids, and Carter. I've had to do everything by myself. Jack's helped out a lot, I can't say that my father-in-law isn't there when I need him. He's been a saving grace throughout all of this, but I know that he has his own life, and his own commitments. He can't always hang around and take care of everyone anymore. He's getting older, he should be relaxing somewhere in the Caribbean or something.

Then there's my patients. I hate getting so close to some of them, but its hard not to when their simply kids. I had this thirteen year old girl yesterday, she was pregnant. She didn't want to tell anyone who the father of her child was, but finally she broke down with me. She told me her stepfather raped and abused her, the baby was his. I had to work with DCFS all night to get her placed in a home that the family wouldn't find her. I tried calling to find out what happened with her, but the office was closed.

I don't know what I would do if I gave my kids that type of atmosphere. Thankfully, my beautiful children grew up healthy and happy. They had all they wanted, but they aren't spoiled. Their down to earth and levelheaded. I think a part of that was because I grew up with nothing. I had half a father for seven years, then none at all. He ditched us, and I never wished that kind of life upon my children. I wanted them to have everything in the world. Carter felt the same way, it was probably the only thing we ever agreed upon. Our kids always came first. He was the perfect father growing up. He would play dress up with the girls if they wanted him to, he would play baseball with the boys whenever he was free. He gave them the childhood he had always dreamed about. I can't regret anything about that. I just wish I realized before we dived into each other that a marriage wasn't just about taking care of the kids. It was about an equal fifty-fifty relationship. It was about talking things and working through them. It was about being able to stand in the same room as your spouse. Life's funny like that. It never works out the way you want it to.

That's how I spend most of my time anyway lately, thinking. Thinking alone at home. Millie's around, but she's been between vacations with Jack and hanging out with her friends. We still talk a lot and watch a movie or play a board game, but I don't think that she really wants to spend time with me. She's a teenager, I don't think spending the whole time with your mother counts you as cool. I don't mind the silence. I grew up with it, and now I enjoy it. I've found the front of the boat is a lot quieter than the back, only because everyone is out there. I've sort of disappeared from sight all day. My boys have come and gone, Amy's wandering around telling her boyfriend stories, and Millie's getting into some mischief with Katie. I know the drills. I've done them all before. But at least now I can sit here and relax, the only plans I have for the day. I want to let my mind wander in circles and tired itself out. I want to be able to sleep at night without the aid of some pill or my

bottle. I might as well get a head start on my thoughts.

The yacht skims over the water, a gentle rocking easing everyone's worries but mine. We go around the arena, and then further and further into the lake. We keep the shore in view, but we're out in the middle of the water. It's tranquil, nothing more than that. I spent most of the time sitting by myself on deck, while the rest of the family sat in the back, talking and laughing. I wasn't in the mood, and I didn't feel like killing the atmosphere. I went to eat with them, but besides that I've been alone for a better portion of the day. Jack brought me a glass of wine at the latter portion of sundown, but I've been keeping it in my hand. I haven't had a drop. I don't know why either. I think that tonight its not going to make me feel any better.

I see the first traces of the fireworks coming up, brilliant colors over the water. I suddenly notice that there are more people on the water than there were before. I stand up from my chair, leaning against the railing and simply watching the colors spread across the water. It looks better. There are wrinkles and waves, the colors blend and dissipate in the darkness. It's funny how something so quick and simple can bring so much joy to people. I bring the glass up to my lips, but there's something forcing it back down, forcing it away from me. I finally give in. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to give in, this one night. I'm with my family, the family everyone has always been jealous of. I can handle it. I turn the glass over and pour the bittersweet liquid into the water, letting it spread out and disappear. I put the glass back on the table by me, hoping it will not shatter, although I'd like to smash it to the floor, let the broken glass break my skin and make me bleed. I want to feel something, anything. I'm numb at the moment, and I hate feeling this way.

I lean against the railing, the cold wind hits my face and sends chills down my spine. My eyes close on their own, searching for something, but not being able to find it. I could stand here for hours, days even. I'm the only one in the world, and when I decide to give up, there's no one left to criticize me. It's a feeling of freedom. I feel a warm hand cover my own. I jump for a second, but I don't think he realized. I know who it is. I don't have to open my eyes to know that touch. It's a part of me, inside me forever.

"Abby... Please... Let me in..."

I push his hand off mine, turning around and walking toward the back. Everyone's watching the rest of the amateur fireworks. I expected him to follow me, but he didn't. He's just standing there, watching me walk off. What the hell does he want from me? Who the hell does he think I am? I'm a part of his past, not his future. I wish he could just leave me alone. I think everything would be better if he would leave me alone. I know that won't happen, it can't. His children are my children. They weave our lives together, forever and always, no matter how much we can try to separate ourselves. So for the sake of the children, as always, I walk down the stairs, smile plastered to my face, pretending another perfect night as the perfect family.