Title: Converse Dis-cussion

Sequel to: Dis-cussion

Author: Kathy Rose

Category: Humor

Codes: All

Rating: R (for subject matter -- just to be safe)

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to someone else, etc., etc., etc. I'm not making any money, I'm just having fun with the characters. Wish I'd thought of them first.

Summary: What the guys talk about when the women aren't around, after realizing the women are talking about them. Set in the Expanse, before everything starts to fall apart.

"I'd give my eyeteeth to know what they're talkin' about out there."

Jon gave Trip a questioning look.

From across the table in the captain's private dining room, Trip elaborated. "Malcolm and I just came through the mess hall. Hoshi and some of the other female crewmembers were out there laughin' about something, but as soon as Malcolm and I walked in, they all stopped and stared at us."

Malcolm cleared his throat. "It could have something to do with the fact that you made that somewhat ribald comment."

"Aw, geez, Malcolm," Trip said before taking a long sip of his iced tea. He set the glass down on the table with a slight bang and wiped his upper lip with the back of his hand. "There's no way they coulda heard that."

"You seem to be forgetting Hoshi's exceptional hearing," Malcolm said with a lift of his eyebrows.

Trip paled. "Oh, man! You don't think she heard me, do ya?" At Jon and Malcolm's noncommittal murmurs, he scratched his head. "Now I really wanna know what they're talkin' about out there."

Jon leaned back in his chair, a glass of tea in his hand. This gathering had been Trip's idea. He knew his friend was worried about him even though Trip was dealing with his own problems. Everybody was under a lot of strain, and Trip had suggested a nice, friendly card game as a way they could relax.

If the conversation so far was any indication, it was going to be an entertaining evening, Jon thought.

"They're probably talking about the same things we talk about in here," Jon said.

"What? Ship stuff?" Trip asked dubiously.

"That's when T'Pol's with us," Jon said. "She's not here now."

At Malcolm's snort, Trip laughed. "Well, we sure don't talk about ship's business if we're doing somethin' to relax. We talk about other things, like them," he said, jerking his head toward the mess hall.

Jon tried to lead Trip's train of thought. "And so, the conclusion is..."

"You think they're talkin' about us?" Trip asked.

The doors to the captain's mess slid open and Travis walked in.

"Hey, Travis!" Trip called out. "Is Hoshi still sittin' out there with Liz Cutler and Olivia Kelly and ah...what's-her-name?"

Malcolm almost choked on his hot tea at Trip's not-so-subtle attempt at disinterest in one of the women. "'What's-her-name?'" he asked with a pointed look at Trip.

As Travis took the seat across from Jon, he replied, "Yeah, Corporal Cole is with them."

"Isn't that the MACO you've been seeing?" Jon asked as he picked up the deck of cards and began shuffling.

A slight blush tinged Trip's cheeks. "Do you know every little thing goin' on on this ship?"

Setting the cards to his right for Malcolm to cut, Jon answered, "Yes. And what I don't know about, T'Pol tells me."

"So," Travis said as he poured himself a glass of iced tea from the pitcher on the table. "Why do you want to know if they're still out there?"

"Trip wants to know what they're talking about," Jon said.

"Oh, that's easy," Travis said. "They're talking about men. Probably us."

All three men stared at him. "How do you know?" Malcolm asked, giving voice to the question all of them were wondering about.

"Hey, you don't know women the way I do," Travis started, only to be cut off by laughter from his superior officers. When they quieted, he tried again. "What I mean is, I grew up on a freighter. I was in close proximity to women my whole life. And if a group of women is sitting around a table, and they're laughing, chances are they're talking about men."

No one spoke as Jon dealt the cards, but as he picked up his hand, Trip mumbled, "Men...and sex, I bet."

"What was that?" Jon asked as he put his cards in order.

"They're talkin' about men and sex."

Travis smiled. "You're really obsessing about this, aren't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Trip said, tossing in his ante. "What do ya think they're sayin' about us?"

As he studied his cards, Malcolm said, "If they heard that stupid comment you made about looking like cats who were on the prowl, they're probably saying you're a male chauvinist pig, and they don't want to have a thing to do with you." Malcolm smirked. "Except for that MACO, 'what's-her-name.' She hasn't been around you long enough to know any better."

"Well, at least I've got enough nerve to...maybe...ya know...do something with her," Trip said defensively. "Being a MACO, I 'spect a lot of men would be intimidated by her."

Malcolm gave him an even stare. "She probably goes to bed with her guns," he said, causing both Jon and Travis to laugh. "The last thing I want at the end of the day is to go home to a woman who might know more about weapons than I do."

They played out the hand, and Travis raked in the pot after winning. The cards were gathered up and passed to Trip, who said, "Well, there's Hoshi. I bet she doesn't go to bed with weapons."

Jon shook his head. "No, she probably wouldn't. Maybe her UT, though."

"Actually, Hoshi knowing all those languages is kind of scary," Travis remarked as he watched Trip shuffle. "There could be times..."

"What?" prodded Jon.

"Well, you know," Travis said, obviously embarrassed. "In bed."

At Jon's blank look, Travis explained. "She might get carried away in the throes of passion..."

Trip looked at Malcolm and mouthed, "Throes of passion?"

"...and she'd start jabbering away in some strange language," Travis finished quickly. "Who knows? She might be calling you a son of a bitch or something and you wouldn't even know it."

The other three men mulled that over. "You're right, Travis. That is scary," Trip said flatly.

"Well, no scarier than Liz Cutler," Travis said.

"Just how much do you know about women in bed?" Jon asked with a chuckle. "And how do you know so much about our female crewmembers anyway?"

"Yeah, why is that?" Trip put in as Malcolm looked on with unfeigned interest.

Travis stammered for a few moments. Unable to meet the others' curious gazes, he looked at the cards Trip was still shuffling. "Well, you know, I don't really," he admitted. "It's just that they feel safe talking to me, so I pick up on some things."

Malcolm wasn't thrown off track, however. "What about Crewman Cutler, Mr. Expert?"

"Bugs," Travis said immediately.

"Ew!" Trip said as he started dealing. "I hate bugs!"

"Hey!" Jon interrupted him. "You didn't let me cut."

"Sorry," Trip said, reaching to pull back the cards he had just dealt. "Got distracted."

As Trip began shuffling again, Travis told Malcolm, "Liz is an entomologist, right? God knows what she's got in her room...and her bed," he added with a slight laugh. "She probably likes creepy, slimy things."

"Trip would fit in well there," Malcolm said with a straight face.

Glaring at Malcolm, Trip very deliberately slapped the deck of cards down on the table in front of Jon, who performed the cut.

"Hoshi's probably out there instigating their little confab," Trip said, unwilling to let the topic go as he began to deal out the cards. "I know her. She's the ringleader. Amanda doesn't know them well enough yet to carry on without some encouragement, and Liz follows Hoshi's lead. And Olivia is too sweet to do that."

"Too sweet?" Jon arched his eyebrows at this sentiment. "I must say I'm learning a lot about some of my crew this evening."

"Yeah, she's sweet. I ought to know. I work with her every day in engineering," Trip said as he finished dealing. "Probably has teddy bears on her bunk."

"Don't they all?" Travis asked innocently.

"Olivia's sweeter than most," Trip said. "She probably has a whole army of teddy bears."

"That's a rather unsettling vision," Malcolm said as he picked up his cards. "Imagine all those little eyes, watching while you--"

Jon cleared his throat. "This is getting a little out of hand, gentlemen, not to mention being inappropriate. We should stop talking about the women in regard to sex."

The other three, chastised, nodded and murmured their agreement, and they played out the hand. Jon won this time, and the cards were passed to Travis for the next deal.

Trip took a long swallow of his drink, and his gaze went to the doors leading to the mess hall. "I wonder if they're still out there goin' at it," he said.

"Hoshi's probably cutting you down to size right at this moment," Jon said as Travis finished shuffling and Trip cut the cards. "She was mad at you about that smart-ass comment you made on the bridge this afternoon."

"What smart-ass comment?" Trip asked, perplexed.

"About needing to prioritize."

Trip shrugged. "I was just trying to help."

"Whatever," Jon said with a shrug of his own. "I should thank you. She was mad at me for telling her to drop what she was doing on the UT upgrade to work on the protocol document from the Naladians. Your comment shifted her anger away from me."

"Aw, man," Trip said as everyone anted up. "How come she's so touchy?"

"'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,'" Malcolm intoned solemnly, raising the stakes as the betting went around the table.

"I didn't scorn her!" Trip said indignantly, throwing in some chips to match the raise and calling.

"No, you did the next best thing," Malcolm said, laying down his cards for the others to see. "You implied she didn't know how to do her job well. Hmm. Looks like you're the only loser here tonight, Trip," he added with a smirk as he pulled his winnings toward him.

Crewman Cunningham, the captain's steward, entered at that moment carrying several bowls of snacks balanced on one arm and a pizza with his other hand. As he put the items on the table, Trip asked him, "Did you notice if that group with Ensign Sato is still out there in the mess hall?"

"Yes, sir, I did. There are five of them sitting around a table, laughing and carrying on."

"Five?" Trip asked. "There were only four when we came in."

"Sub-commander T'Pol's joined them."

A low rumble of laughter came from Jon as Cunningham left. "We all know T'Pol doesn't gossip."

"Oh, but she does!" Travis asserted as he reached for some pretzels while Malcolm shuffled. "I've heard her and Hoshi talking on the bridge sometimes when you all aren't around."

There was a long pause as they considered the ramifications of cool Vulcan logic picking each of them to pieces in front of the female crewmembers.

"Oh, Lord. She's probably worse than Hoshi," Trip said, and a ripple of amused agreement ran around the table.

Malcolm offered the cut to Travis, who declined, and began dealing.

Trip couldn't help it. After all the comments about the other women, despite Jon's warning, he just had to say, "T'Pol would probably tell you everything you were doing wrong in bed."

There was a moment of stunned silence as the other officers looked at him. Trip picked up his cards and steadfastedly kept his eyes on his hand. As the quiet stretched out, however, he glanced up to find their curious stares on him. "What?"

"I can't believe you said that," Jon said, "especially after I told you to knock it off."

"It slipped out," Trip said with a slight unapologetic grin as he reached for a slice of pizza. "But you're right. We do need to stop talking about them like that."

"Even if they're talking about us like that?" Malcolm inquired.

"Especially if they're talking about us like that," Jon said emphatically. "At least we'll still have our dignity."

Jon's comment drew guffaws from Trip and Travis, and a smile from Malcolm.

No one spoke as they resumed play. The betting went around the table several times, and Malcolm won again. As the cards were passed to Jon, Trip cast another look at the doors.

"I still want to know what they're talkin' about out there," he said, only to be pelted with pretzels and peanuts as the others laughed at him.