Author's Notes: Double post for no apparent reason.... Enjoy.. Please review....
I watch the waves hit the rocks below me, my body leaning against the cold metal railing. The waves beat angrily against the cement, almost a reflection of everything I feel inside. The skies match my disposition: dark and grey. The temperature keeps on dropping and dropping, but it's not going to move me from my position. I've been here all day, I can't stand to be around anyone. My kids never knew my mom the way I did, they met her once or twice. They were able to put a name to face, but that was the extent. I didn't want them going through what me and Erik had to. I knew my mother better than anyone else did. I hated her for all she was. I hated her for being my mother. She put me through every hell imaginable. She made me see life for what it really was, and sometimes for what it wasn't. There were days I wanted to my life to end, and there were nights were my life almost did. I have memories, but their not the kind everyone wants to have. I have one or two good ones, but the rest, the rest all harbour pain or fear. I remember hiding in the closet after she chased me with a knife. I remember getting beat during one of her maniac episodes and having to make up a lie to hid the bruises the next day. I remember holding my helpless little brother and not being able to do a thing for days until she came back. I have all these nightmares, laced with a few good times, times when she was happy we were around. I never wanted to inflict any of that on my children, I did everything she didn't. I went against everything she told me was right. I pushed her out of my life. And now, now I might be able to regret that. She was still my mother, that would have never changed. I would have gone to her aid had she needed it. She was my mother. And now she's gone.
No one knew her like I did. No one will understand what I'm going through. I thought the day I got that phone call, it would be from a police officer, or a paramedic. I never thought my own brother would have to make the call. I thought I would feel different, liberated in some weird way. I thought I would feel the fetters and pains float off my shoulder. I don't feel anything but numb. I can't stay in bed all day, I have a family to take care of, work, bills, dinner to prepare. I have a life to keep control of. I wanted to, I spent three days lying in the dark. I couldn't turn into her. If I gave into that, I would be doing the one thing I wished she never did. She forgot about her family, forgot about us. She left Erik and me to take care of ourselves. I was never going to let my children feel unwanted or uncared for. I wasn't her.
The wind keeps on getting harder and faster with every passing hour. The sun is almost gone, world turning a black blue. No one else is around, I wanted to be alone. The wind makes my eyes burn. My cheeks are all red, if not from the tears, then from the temperature. I looked like hell this morning. My eyes were bloodshot, my skin pale. I slipped out before anyone else was up. They didn't need to see me like this. I was grieving for my mother, they didn't need to grieve for their own mother. I was going to make it through this, I was going to be okay. Maybe if I said it enough I would eventually believe it. It's freezing outside. I have nothing but a sweater on, my body shakes, my skin numbs. I don't want to go back yet. I can't go back yet. Maybe I should have buried her. I would have at least had the chance to grieve. I'm not even near my brother, no where near my family. I thought funerals were supposed to bring them together, it only seems to be tearing me away from mine. Is that what she would have wanted? One last blow as to say see, you'd never get rid of me? Damn it. The tears start coming down again, I don't have any control over them. I thought I cried all I could, but they keep coming.
I see a shadow approaching in the corner of my eye. I shoot a glance back, Carter's form coming into view better with each step. I've put him through so much in the last few days. My mother liked to see everyone suffer, whether they really needed to or not. He doesn't know who he his, his past or his present. He can't remember his children, thrown into an alien world. Yet he's been there for the last few days, always by my side. He's been there, even though he as no clue who I am, our past, or hell that we created. I wish I had my Carter back, because then I could be angry at something, channel all this pain through something instead of having to face it. I wish this wasn't my life. I don't regret it, but I would take a different one if given the chance. I don't get the chance so I just have to deal.
"Ethan told me I might find you here."
He slips a jacket over my shoulders, and my body accepts it quickly. Another shield from the bitter cold, another thing to build a layer. I need to keep building them, the mental ones keep tumbling, so if I reinforce them with physical ones, maybe I'll get somewhere. I can see his breath coming out against the shore. I lean forward, then give up, I'm not strong enough to deal with this alone. I need him right now. He may not know the reasons why and he might not understand. He may hate me in the future and consider me a burden. I don't care, I need to know that if I begin to fall, there will be someone out there, catching me. I turn toward him, leaning my body into his. My body is lifeless, I have no control. He wraps his arms protectively around me, the same way he always had. I still can't get used to the fact that the man I knew for so long isn't here anymore. I don't know if he would have been here right now. I doubt it. I think he would have told me the divorce was the end of us, just like my mantra went. This man, the same body, but a different mind. Something familiar in an unfamiliar place, even if its just his physical touch.
"I wish you were back with me... I wish you could understand."
I let out a sigh, my lungs suddenly heavy and my soul hurting. I practically have to force out every breath. My body's stopped doing every normal function. I thought I would be able to go back to work, do the things I did on a daily basis, but I can't. My legs won't move from this position, my skin has goose bumps from the cold but I can't leave. My eyes hurt with every blink, and my body hasn't stopped shaking. The tears keep coming and the hours keep rolling. Everything's a blur. The only thing I can do is stand here and be held up by the man that caused the other half of all the pain I have inside myself.
"I think that our families are out to get us... They either bring us together or pull us apart... It just seems that way..."
I shrug my shoulders, digging my head deeper into his chest, shielding it from the wind. My face feels like there are pins being repeatedly pushed through my face. I can't feel my hands anymore, even though I know their linked with his, finger with finger, warm hands against cold. I can't feel much of anything. I wish I was numb. I was I was too numb to feel, to cry, to scream, to suffer.
"You remember that time... When we had to go get your mother from Oklahoma? That drive back to Chicago? It was then, Abby... It was then, when I saw you hurting, when I saw how much it hurt because you loved your mother, regardless of what she put you through... You could love, you loved more than I've ever seen in my life..."
I look up at him, his eyes directed out at the horizon, at the empty, angry sea. I try to move back, almost instinctively, but I can't. I see him fumble for his words, searching for something to say. His mouth keeps opening and closing but no words are coming out. He holds me closer now, I can feel the change in the way his arms rest upon my back.
"I looked at you, the worry etched on your face. The sun playing on your skin, the wind teasing your hair... I realized I loved you... I loved you because of who you were, and everything you were... It was then, that I realized I couldn't live without you, I needed you... Those feelings never changed, Abby, never. They got pushed to the side: ignored, forgotten, masked. But underneath it all, under all the excuses, the lies I told myself.... You were the one, and you were right in front of me all this time and I ignored it."
I finally break away from him, looking up at him in the dim starlight. I'm searching for the truth behind his eyes. I'm searching for something to believe in, something to give me the strength to make it through the night. I'm searching for anything that might remind me of him, who he really is. I think I have him back. His thumb gently reaches up and brushes away the tears from my eyes, holding back the strands of hair that have come loose throughout the day.
"How... How long have you been back?"
My words are lost by the sound of the waves, but he hears me. His eyes are brimmed at tears, looking down at me. I can barely form a sentence, I can barely think. I don't' know how I"m supposed to feel. I wish someone could explain this to me.
"Monday."
I instantly push him off me, sending him into shock for a few seconds. I lean at him, my gaze keeping him at bay. He stands a few feet away from me, every step he takes closer, I take two back.
"So you lied to me? You spent the last three four days by my side... You knew I... You should have... Why?"
I don't have the energy inside of me to scream, or to argue. My voice started out a scream, and ended a whisper. He starts to talk in closer again, and I let him, but he pauses a few inches away from me, running his hand through his hair, biting on his bottom lip. His habits of life, those things that made him real to me.
"Because I wanted to see the real Abby again. I wanted to see the person I knew before all the walls came up again... I wanted to see you weak and vulnerable, because at least then I knew you were true to yourself... I just wanted you back, even if it was for one single minute..."
I start toward the stairs leading to the path. He used me, he took advantage of me, he was searching for a way in and he found it. Sure, just hit me when it hurts. It's not fair, my walls will never come down, they're permanent. His lies can't fool me anymore, his sweet talking innocense never tricked me. I just... I have to remember why I divorced him. We fell apart for a reason, and it definitely can't be blamed on a single person. It was the both of us. I'm running, I don't know where I'm running to, but I am. I know he's behind me. I know I'm running away, it's my turn to run away. I ran away from my problems, but I always came back. I never ran away from him and just left it that way. It's my turn to do that. His arms wrap around my stomach, and I can't move. I hit him and kick, but he doesn't' loosen his grip. I can't get away, I'm trapped.
"What do you think? That suddenly everything can be mended? We're unfixable... Dead... There's no hope for us."
His grip around my waist loosens, and he lets me go. He takes a step back, and I start to walk forward. The world is dark and dead around me. The only sound I can hear is my beating heart and gasps for air. I'm doing the same exact thing he did to me. I'm letting myself run away and never look back. Its taking all the energy I have not to turn around, and what will I do when that energy runs out? What will I do when I find myself searching for something I could have had, should have had? My feet stop moving, my heart stops beating. My eyes are closed, but my body walks. I'm running. I'm running back into his arms, ignoring all that my common sense is telling me. I'm in front of him, awaiting judgement, condemnation, anything... I won't get any of it. His lips play a delicate smile as they greet my own. My tears drip between us, the salty liquid moistening our dry lips.
"We're not perfect... I never wanted perfect..."
I lean into him for the second time tonight, and suddenly I feel whole for the first time in months.
"We'll work on us..."