Author's Notes: I plan to finish this fic by the end of January. I promise. It's an easier fic to write for, and I have the major game plan in mind. Now all I need is someone to scream at me to update and write... I think Kat will gladly take that role out of my hands. Although I've been replaced, by not one, but two people I guess... But anyway if you could just drop a line and review, please? Tell me what you love and hate, that would be greatly appreciated.. Thanks... Oh by the way, in a normal book format, this fic is 106 pages so far in its entirety, and its not over yet...
I stand against the window, watching the water drip down the glass. The trees in the distance sway their branches angrily against the wind. The street lamps cast an orange glow upon everything in the room, including the sleeping figure on the bed. I watch his breathing cause the comforter that is wrapped around him to move up and down. His breathing is rhythmic, deep breaths in and out. I could just stand and watch him sleep to calm my own nerves. I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have no clue how I'm functioning at work anymore. The kids are suspicious of us, they don't believe everything's back in heaven. I don't know if they ever believed we were in heaven. I look back toward the garden, everything is bathed in darkness. All those beautiful blossoming flowers are now nothing but dead twigs. It's the way the world works. We're born and then we live and die. We touch a few lives, but in the end we are forgotten. Sometimes you manage to pluck a string that reverberates in eternity, somewhere, in that one heart. I feel his hands slip over my body, the warmth of his skin in a sharp contrast against my cold. He wraps his arms protectively around me, and I melt back into the sanctuary he has formed for me. We've physically been with each other, but our minds are other places. We haven't talked anything though, except for the necessities. I don't know what to do anymore. My head leans against his shoulder, my eyes are closed. We intertwine our fingers within each others, a simple action we haven't done in years. I can hear him trying to form some words to say, but nothing come out right. There's no words that can fill the void between us right now. So we're left in the silence that we've grown accustomed to. Or the sound of silence and pagers. I let out a sigh as I break away from our moment, grabbing the screaming and glowing box from my night stand. It's 911, the PICU. I reach for a pair of pants from my bottom drawer, Carter's eyes following my every move. I know he wants to go back to where we just were, but I can't. I have to get to my patient. I can't leave her alone. I see a pleading look in the dim light that the street lamp provides.
"I can't just leave her."
He nods his head, he knows this situation all too well. I throw on a sweater and search for my car keys. He reaches out for me, grabbing my hand and pulling me closer into him. My head rests against his chest, and his hands wrap around my waist. Suddenly I feel like I'm back at our beginning, when we couldn't keep away from each other. I used to lie awake at night and just think about how perfect he was, how much I didn't deserve him. It was probably my fault this marriage fell apart.
"Come with me."
He leans back a little, a bit of a shocked look on his face. I'd rather have him there for company. I don't think Hallie would mind either. I let him go as he grabs a pair of pants from the chair, quickly putting them on along with a shirt from the previous day. As he does this, I scribble a note for Millie, so she knows we didn't leave her as soon as she fell asleep, which she has accused both of us before. I'm not a big fan of getting up at 3:30 in the morning, though. He reaches me and we walk silently out of the apartment. As we make our way down the stairs, I feel him pull the keys to the car out of my hand. He can drive. I"m really not in the mood to drive anyway.
He speeds down the dimly lit streets and I close my eyes. It reminds me of the road trip we once took to pick up my mother. We revealed a few secrets, eased the tension, fell in love. It's all a memory now, but maybe we could find that chemistry that has held us together for so long. I wish we could just drive, drive into oblivion and never return. It's one of those fantasies I've had since I was a teenager. I wanted to steal a car, some money, and just drive from one side of America to the other. I wanted to ditch every responsibility tying me down. I wanted to be as free as the wind, unfettered as the breeze. It never happened. Responsibility always won me over.
The hospital's bright lights come into view and Carter pulls into the ambulance bay to let me out. I quickly tell him to meet me up in the PICU. A few weeks ago I got a patients, a little girl, only about six years old. She had been through so much, yet she was the sweetest little girl I had ever met. Her parents had committed suicide when she was five, and she was the one that found them. She had been through therapy and counseling. She was afraid of everyone, and when she first came into the ER, she was a little closed off. I managed to find some ground with her, and she began to trust me. She's been in the hospital for about three weeks, she's got a strain on pneumonia that needs to be monitored closely. She has her good days and her bad days. Today had to be a bad day. I saw her two days ago, and I was off yesterday. I make my way up the stairs, taking two at a time, even though I'm tired as all hell. I see Hallie's nurse, Grace, standing at her door. She starts a quick trot toward me and we meet halfway.
"She's on the vent. Her pulse ox dropped suddenly and no air was getting to her lungs."
She's done that twice before, but every time it gets worse. The doctors hate putting her on a vent because she always wakes up scared and agitated. And then she's on it for longer every time. The antibiotics seem to be less effective every single day.
"Is she stable now?"
Grace nods her head and hands me her chart. We start walking to the room as I flip through it. She's okay now, but she gave everyone quite a scare. I throw off my coat and put it on a corner chair. I walk up closer to her and take her hand, rubbing the back of it with my thumb. It's so tiny, she looks like an angel when she's sleeping. I hate to see her in pain. Grace deposits the chart into the holder on the bed and walks out; we've done the routine before. As I'm watching Grace walk out, I hear a shuffle of sheets and the monitor suddenly starts to beep. I look down at Hallie and she's waking up, startled by the tube in her throat.
"Hallie, Hallie, I'm here. Calm down, baby. You've got to calm down. That tube's helping you breathe."
She squirms a little more but finally she settles down. I push her hair away from her face, and lay it to the side. I speak to her in soothing tones, hoping to further calm her down. I tell her in easy terms what happened, and what's going on. She nods her head like she understands everything that's going on. She's mature for her age. She's been forced to grow up way too fast. I hear a knock at the door, and Carter's standing there.
"Hallie, this is a friend of mine. His name's John. Do you mind if he stays were with us?"
Hallie shakes her head no, and Carter comes in, going to the opposite side of the bed. Hallie looks apprehensively at him, but he starts to talk to her, and suddenly she's entertained by his funny voice and crazy antics. Carter talks to her, and she responds by either shaking her head or motioning with her hands. She seems to like him. I hold Hallie's other hand tightly, and she's not letting go. We both notice Hallie's eyes are fluttering closed and she looks really tired. I look at Carter and he brushes her light blonde hair out of her eyes.
"Hallie, why don't you go to sleep for a little. You'll feel a lot better, and when you wake up, we'll still be here, okay?"
She nods her head affirmatively and takes her teddy bear into her left arm. I hold her other hand, she feels safer that way. I watch her close her eyes, and within minutes the expression of deep sleep passes along her innocent face. Carter moves to my side of the bed, and he wraps his arms around my stomach. It feels weird to be held again by him. It's been so long, but it doesn't not feel right. It just feels out of the ordinary. He lets me go for a second and pulls a chair closer. He sits down and pulls me into his lap. We move closer to the bed, my hand still holding Hallie's. I lie my head down on his shoulder and he wraps his arms tightly around me. The physical contact is not unwelcome. We never used to, unless we were forced to pretend for the kids. But even then, there was always some real emotion behind every action. We faked a lot, we forced and pushed, but some of it still was real. I sit up a little, able to look at him. We haven't had a chance to talk, or we've avoided him. Either he runs, or I run, or we both run. Maybe tonight's the night to start probing those wounds. Maybe we can decide something.