I'm sitting staring at the pictures on the mantel of the fireplace. A fire glows gently beneath it. Carter's words still echo in my head. I don't know what I was thinking, coming all the way here. He doesn't want to seem me, or hear me. I should just keep out of his way, from now until forever. The divorce papers were signed long before he had his heart attack. He signed then knowing fully what he was doing. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't let myself hurt again. I don't' think it really matters anymore anyway. I pull the blanket closer to my body, wrapping it over every crevice, trying to form a cocoon. I'm not that cold, it just feels nice to have something to shelter me against the impending storm. My mind drifts back to the pictures, too many to count, spread out all over the room. We're always smiling, laughing. We look perfect, if only you could look back and read what's on the minds of the people in the pictures. The truth, the broken marriage, the lies, the hatred, envy. All of it. It would scare even the toughest soul.

I don't know why I even try. It's pointless, worthless. Sure, my mind keeps telling me to go after him, to try and save what we have, but I don't have the courage. I should probably leave. He doesn't want to see me, and he definitely doesn't want me in his house. I don't run away. I just take time to digest information before I make a big mistake. I grab a pad of paper from the side table and a pen from the drawer. I can't talk to him. So maybe I can write to him, explain to him why we'd never work out, why this was such a bad idea. I hesitate a moment before deciding how to even start this.

John,

You won't talk to me, but I feel you deserve an explanation.

I pick up my pen and it sounds too corny, too formal, too overheard. I don't want a repeat of the letter he once sent me. I don't think I could handle even thinking about it, what he wrote. I scratch out the line. I'll do what I do best nowadays, a list.

Reasons Why I Should Walk Away

1.) This could never work, you have to believe me. It never worked before, it won't work now. What's happened in the past should stay in the past, but I can't forget the way you made me feel.

2.) You don't trust me. You won't talk to me. I can't trust you. I don't talk to you. We lost that almost twenty five years ago, there's nothing left that could save us now.

3.) We're divorced. We got that divorce for a reason. No, many reasons.

4.) You hurt me. I thought you would be the only one that wouldn't, that wouldn't care about my faults or shortcomings. I believed you would always be there for me, no matter what. I was wrong.

5.) We've grown apart. We're no longer the same couple we were twenty-five years ago. We've got different dreams, different plans. We don't have anything in common anymore.

6.) For the kids, they deserve more than our constant circles. We just keep going in winding roads, that lead to no-where. It's a curse we've brought upon ourselves, and it needs to end. I want an end to all this.

7.) I haven't changed, John. People don't change. I'm still the same person you walked away from before. You broke up with me for a reason. I know what that reason was, and I don't feel like going through that pain again. I'm still an alcoholic. I'm still a negative, miserable, self-deprecating person. I'm still insecure and protective. I'm the same old Abby, just in a slightly aged body.

8.)You will never really love me the way you think you do. I'm not who you imagine or envision. There's no hope for me, for us.

9.) Because I love you.

10.) Because none of this will have any affect on you; you'll always come after me.

He shouldn't have to. He really shouldn't. There are so many reasons why I should walk away and never look back. I draw a line down the side of the sheet. Time for the other half of the story. The reasons why I shouldn't walk away. There can't be many.

ReasonsWhy I Shouldn't Walk Away

1.) Because I love you.

It's as simple as that.

I fold the paper into a billion tiny pieces, then decide its too small. I unfold it and make it an acceptable size. Then I decide to just leave it open. I walk to the kitchen table and put it under an empty glass, in plain view. I take one last look around, and make my way out the door. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if he'll take my logical side, or my irrational side. I don't' know what he's going to say, if he'll even take the time to read it. I don't' know anything at the moment.