Predetermined

by carter can have you

This fic was written for Jen at C&P for the Carby Christmas Fic Exchange. My own little Carby Christmas episode, set in season eleven. Written in both Carter and Abby ’s POV’s, I hope its not too confusing to decipher I’ll label them ; Inevitably Carby

Title: Predetermined.

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: yes, slight references.

Author's Note: This fic was written for Jen at C&P for the Carby Christmas Fic Exchange, the three elements are: a video tape, a frost-covered meadow, and the planet Saturn. Writing this fic was a pleasure and the elements allowed me to create something, well creative! (I hope)

My own little Carby Christmas episode, set in season eleven. Written in both Carter and Abby's POV's, I hope its not too confusing to decipher I'll label them ;)

Have a very Happy Christmas Jen! Hope it doesn't disappoint! Loadsa love and Carby fuzz- Ingrid x (aka carter can have you)

ABBY

I'm finally finding the time to sort out my apartment, leading up to graduation I kinda put it on the backburner, and now things have settled down a bit I have more time to worry about things like that, I just need a change of scenery in here. I've decided to start by sorting out the junk I have, and move it into another room before I paint.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, and Abby's sorting out her lounge to paint it? Is that some kind of excuse to get out of something, surely she has something better she could be doing?

I'm just trying to busy myself right now, I could go to the Work Christmas party at Susan's, but I don't want to, because being honest; I'm avoiding someone.

Well, it was about a week ago, and I really don't like to think about it now, seeing as its what I'm kind of hiding from right now, but I can't help pondering over what happened…

-About a week ago-

The cool breeze on my face feels so bracing, it's frozen outside, being mid-December and all. But it feels refreshing, I can almost forget I've been up 18 hours. I thought it was difficult doing shifts as both a med student and nursing, but now I'm an intern, it seems all I'm doing is extra shifts. No wonder my social life seems to revolve around the other interns now, and that new med-student Jake, well he's cute, but no matter what Neela may suggest, it won't go any further than that. I can't risk everything I've worked for, not for anything. I ponder over the short relationships I've had recently, more like flings actually. But they've been fun, a lot of fun! Its so nice to have freedom to go as you please, but I miss certain relationshippy things you know, like sleeping in on Sundays, always having someone to hold your hand, someone to just be yourself with, I miss those things. Then I start to think about Carter; great move Abby! No matter how long it's been, I still can't banish my longing thoughts of him, I mean it's just not possible, and maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe it's meant to be a permanent reminder of my failure to keep anything good going in the relationship stakes. And just as I start to think about Carter as he is now, guess who's coming up behind me as I look at the ripples in the water, huddled up on the bench, our bench looking at the river flow past. It's Carter himself of course.

CARTER

I look at her staring across the water, and just stand there, forcing myself to remember this mental image, I want to keep it forever, selfishly wanting another piece of her for myself. I take a few steps closer before she can feel my presence. I wonder if she knew it was me before she turned around, I used to be able to sense her like that, but then there was Kem. That memory still haunts me, when things messed up between me and Kem, and I eventually got over the pain of losing her, I began to hate her, I didn't mean to, but she hurt me. Now, honestly, she's a not-so-distant memory, but she is in my past for sure. I just broke up with Wendell. Another of my short-term relationships, mostly based on sex. At least I'm back to my old self. Ha. The idea sickens me.

'Hey' her voice breaks my thought patterns, I wonder how long I've been stood there, thinking to myself and staring at her.

'Hey, Abby.'

She says nothing, I feel I have to say something, but then change my mind and just join her on the bench. We sit there for a few minutes, just watching the river, its not uncomfortable, its actually quite familiar.

'Should've brought coffee, its so cold out' I comment.

'I know' she smiles, 'its like you can smell winter in the breeze isn't it'

'Feeling poetic?' I ask.

'Not really, I've just been up too long' she jokes.

'Look Abby, I just want to say thank-you, for your support over the past few months'

'Oh I didn't really do anything, not really'

She has no idea. I had been on the brink, but she brought me back, that drunken night when I'd turned up at her apartment, completely wasted, and completely in drunken lust with her. Of course she'd rejected any attempt to kiss her, and told me to sort myself out, because I was starting to remind her of herself.

Of course, that sobered me up right away.

'I'm sorry about that night when I showed up at yours, I was stupid. I was a stupid, stupid idiot that night.'

Her face seems expressionless, is it because she wont reveal her true thoughts to me anymore, or isn't she thinking about anything much?

'Yeah, you were a bit of a jerk Carter'

'I know.'

Silence falls for a few seconds, its like we have our own little silent and secret understanding, and I look over at her and meet her gaze, we both start smiling at each other. I can feel a connection, but can she? I could gather her up and kiss her in this moment, but I don't want to blow it.

'I also wanted to let you know, that what I said that night, I meant. But of course, everything's up to you'

She looks at me, her face has changed, she no longer looks relaxed, but stressed. Her pager goes off, and in the same moment I am cursing it and thanking it inside my head. Did I want something to happen right now, or would it be unbearable?

-Back to the present-

And that was it. I haven't properly spoken to Carter since that night, only in passing. Its not like I'm avoiding him or anything, I'm just not actively seeking him out, and that's a completely different thing right? Its not like I don't feel the same way, what was it he said that night, a couple of months back, oh he was so wasted; 'There was only ever you Abby!' he said it so strangely thinking about it, like the whole loud and brash conversation had led up to this climax and he start speaking so softly I could hardly hear his words. When I heard him say that my heart jumped, and I realised I still loved him, even if it was just a tiny, tiny bit. But he was drunk, and not single in the slightest, so I did the good Samaritan thing and drove him home, in his own jeep, and ignored all his advances, get me!

I'm just rifling through some old videos now, when I come across one without a label on it, and even though I have a sort of idea what it might be, I pop it in my machine and hit play.

I recognise the video from the very first shot as flashing images of me and John flicker across the screen. We're laughing and playing silly romantic games, ever so much in love. My eyes start to brim with yet unformed tears so I close them, unable to watch, but remembering that day.

-Two years ago…-

'Hello?' Her voice crackled over the phone connection.

'Hi Abby' he said, smiling to himself, just thinking about her.

'Hey John, how are you? Have a nice Christmas?' her words tumbled out eagerly, she wanted to know how he had been, she'd not been able to remove the visions of him with touched her thoughts at all times.

'It was ok actually, far more bearable than I thought it would be'

'I'm glad'

'You?' he asked politely.

'Yeah, nice. Really nice'

'You want to catch up? Do something?'

'Yeah sure, Eric's still asleep and Mom is engrossed with something on TV right now, what did you want to do?'

'Go for a walk.'

'Sounds nice, where shall I meet you?'

'I'll come pick you up, give me a half hour.'

'Ok'

They both said their goodbyes and placed the phone down simultaneously. It gave each of them a buzz just thinking about each other, talking and spending time together were even better.

Later…

'Hey you' she said as she opened her apartment door, her hair swung back freely and her eyes shone as they caught the gaze of his.

'Hi' He shook his hair to let the snowflakes fall out. His car keys jingled.

'Wait a minute, I thought we were going for a walk?'

'We are, but it's a place we need to drive to, a special place' She was intrigued, and excited.

'What's the occasion?' she asked innocently.

'Well, its boxing day, I got a great gift from my father I want to try out, and every second with you is a special occasion right?'

'I didn't ask for extra cheese, but yeah, you're right!' they both laughed at her comment.

'So where're we going?' she asked coyly, on the verge of agitation as she fiddled with her hair and scarf.

'It's a secret!' he retorted jovially

'Fine' she resided herself to having to wait another ten minutes or so.

Looking out the window she could see fields covered in a thin veil of white powder, they were away from the snowed-in city now and it was beautiful.

'So what did your father get you?' she asked, desperate for even a snippet of info.

'You'll find out when we get there' he wouldn't budge.

'Fine then!' she gave up, and enjoyed the view.

A few minutes later, he asked

'Abby, are you gonna refuse to talk to me for the rest of this drive?'

She looked at him and gave him a grin like a kid with candy.

'Abby, you're being so childish!'

She grinned back, this time making a face and poking her tongue out at him. He made a faux annoyed face and said ' well that's it then, no dessert for you later Abigail Lockheart.'

She stuck out her bottom lip and made a wimpering sound to get sympathy.

'Maybe I'll share my slice of peach pie with you, if you're lucky'

She flashed him a winning smile, she loved it when they made a compromise.

'Ok, this is it'

'Oh my god, it's beautiful John!' she exclaimed, and let herself out from the car with a flourish, drawing in her breath in a little gasp, she let it out and a puff of steam trailed from her mouth. He let himself out and walked around to her side.

'Oh, so you're speaking to me now then?' With every word he spoke another puff of steam surrounded his head.

'Its SO cold!' she protested, ignoring his question, she started to walk away from him but turned around to see his confused face, she leapt back towards him, into the warmth of his embrace and kissed him full on the mouth, her warm tongue darting into his mouth to explore, they shared a passionate kiss.

'I'll take that as a yes'

She blushed, or was it the cold air surrounding her as she took a step back from him?

He lifted the trunk and pulled out a large wicker hamper, that looked about a hundred years old, it probably was she pondered.

'What's in the hamper?'

'Just a few things I decided to bring along'

They started walking.

'So why is this place special?'

'When I was younger, my father took me and Bobby here, to watch the sun going down, Bobby used to love watching the stars, it was his latest obsession, and Mom and Dad got him a telescope for Christmas that year, so on Boxing Day our father took us here to watch the sun set and look at the stars'

'That's really nice John' She looked at the floor, it was covered in such hard frost it was getting quite slippy to walk on, stealing a glance over at him, she saw his eyes, watering either from the cold or the memories of his brother. He had a soft and dreamy expression on his face, and she found herself falling in love with him all over again, not that she would ever realise it.

'One of my happiest childhood memories' he contemplated, and took her hand into his as they carried on walking.

They reached a meadow covered in hard ice, and John put the hamper down.

'I know it's cold,' he started, 'but I really wanted to share this with you Abby'

She was touched, and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek in return.

'So what is in the hamper?' She asked.

'Ahhh' a slow smile spread across his face, and he unfastened the latch, and lifted the lid to reveal amongst other goodies; a telescope, and a video camera.

Switching on the camera, he pointed it in her direction.

'Oh no! That's unfair! You can't film me!' She exclaimed just a little too overdramatically.

'Oh yes I can!' He retorted.

'Not today!'

'I wanted to film the sunset here'

'Yeah right!'

'Ok, I wanted to film you as well' he admitted.

The rest of the afternoon was lovely, they had a picnic of sandwiches and hot chocolate and even though it was difficult to eat with gloves on, they needed some kind of protection from the cold, as the sky darkened, the sun began to fade and the wind built up, they packed away the hamper and he set up the telescope.

Huddling together, they talked as they watched the sunset, streaks of orange and red searing across the sky marked a beautiful evening, and he showed her the view through the telescope.

'That's Saturn' he stated simply.

'Its amazing John' she said, not sure if he was going to go on with one of his explanations.

He did, 'When my Dad brought us here, and Bobby was looking through the telescope, he was looking for Saturn, and he couldn't find it. It was his favourite planet.

'Why?' Abby asked,

'Because of its rings, he was fascinated by the fact that the rings mark the paths of rock and ice particles, because of their speed.'

'That's really interesting' She said truly meaning it. 'I love the thought of having a path marked out ahead of you and behind you, like a predetermined future and an unforgotten past. She gazed through the telescope, concentrating harder.

He kissed her neck softly and held her closer to him.

'I love you Abby, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met, you understand me, and I love you.' He couldn't get enough of saying it.

'I love you' he repeated. She smiled, and kissed him fiercely, her kiss conveying her love so vividly to him, even if she couldn't say it out loud, he knew she felt it too.

Back to the present…

ABBY

She opened her eyes again, her TV was fuzzing as the tape had finished up so long ago, and suddenly she sprang into action. She realised why they had broken up, why the past year had happened, she knew it now, but she needed to make sure he did too.

At Susan's house…

JOHN

I'm having fun, look. I think to myself. I could hardly miss the ER Secret Santa Swap, could I? Even though the past week has felt like blur, I had to force myself to come out, I'm trying so hard to enthuse myself right now. Besides, my gift is really great. Shame the recipient didn't turn up though. I hardly expected her too, not after the way things have been over the past week. I stare harder at my beer bottle, I haven't drunk in a while, and right now I'm not in the mood for it. It tastes bitter, and that's how I feel. Not because I opened up and bared my feelings for her and got rejected, it's not that. I feel bitter at love.

All those awful things people say about love, well they're all true. Everyone I've ever loved has either been taken away, or pushed me away. The past year was a test, things happened and I don't regret it all, because I became a better person in spite of it all, and I learnt an important lesson, well actually two. One, is the meaning of life, which in my eyes I to be a father, one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, alongside true love, which I realise is the other thing I've learnt about over this past year. Abby was my true love, all the mess in between then and now happened, and I believe if there has to be a reason for that, then it is to affirm me and her. Carter and Abby. Abigail and John. Every single variation of our names together sounds perfect to me. I tear myself away from the riveting label on my beer bottle and look up at where that noise is coming from, oh, she came after all.

ABBY

Four hours late, but here I am at the party, two years late, but here I am in love, I haven't tried saying it out loud yet, but give me a minute here. I do all the hellos, Merry Christmases, hugs, kisses. But in truth I'm autopilot as I scan the room for one person. The reason I came here, the reason why I originally intended not to come. They've already exchanged presents, I gave mine to Susan to give to Chuny, as this morning I was definite about not coming. He's over there, sat on the couch staring at his beer, as everyone goes back to their partying he looks up at me, transfixed. I walk over to him and he doesn't take his eyes off mine as I kneel to his level. Not breaking eye contact I take the beer out his hand…

CARTER

And she replaces it with her hand, she's holding my hand… she's standing up, this all feels like a dream, like a movie sequence. Wow, well I hope it all ends nicely. So she's leading me out of Susan's living room…

ABBY

And down the hall, I take purposeful steps, ignoring all the ER gang as they huddle together whispering and watching us leave together, hand in hand, of course their speculation is wrong. At the moment it is. I carry on walking out of the house, flashing Susan I secret smile as she hands us our coats. Ever the matchmaker our Susan…

CARTER

…as she pats me on the back and shuts her door on us. I'm smiling now, hoping this is good, whatever Abby has to say, it can't be that bad, she hasn't slapped me or anything yet, so that's a good sign I hope. Now we're in the middle of the street…

ABBY

…and the traffic is dead, being about Midnight on Christmas Eve obviously. And I stand in front of him, and look into his eyes again, and smile at him…

CARTER

…when she smiles she is so beautiful, and she's smiling at me, and I'm grinning back at her yet didn't even notice til now. But she has something to say, I can feel it and she starts to speak.

'John, please don't interrupt me' she starts, its as if I gave her a cue, I guess I know her pretty well when it comes down to it.

'But I have something I have to say. I'm sorry about what you've been through over the past week, and sorry about everything that went wrong between us, and everything awful that's happened to you this year, but I just have to tell you now, that I feel it all happened to make us realise that this is serious, this is IT, and this is what is important…' I know what she means…

ABBY

…'Like our future has been predetermined you mean? Like destiny?' He says, and I recognise those words from that day, that day on the tape; which I just relived, and feel this huge wave of relief wash over me, because as I smile at him I know he understands…

CARTER

…and she kisses me. Our lips meet for the first time in over a year and its electric, like the little lightbulb in my brain which lights up when she's around has just switched back on, and it shines so brightly and strongly I know it won't go out…

ABBY

It's a lovely first-gettingbacktogether-kiss, long and deep and oh-so meaningful, and he wraps his arms around me and we break off, and he says 'I understand everything you just said, I'm sorry too, I love you' and this time round, I don't even hesitate to respond…

CARTER

'I love you too' she said it, the 'L' word, Abby Lockheart just said the 'L' word, she hardly, if ever uses it. But when she does, hell does she use it well. She really truly means it, and I want to capture this moment for the rest of my life, wow, how cheesy does that sound, but I love her, so I kiss her again. And we're just stood there in the street, our feet soaking as we stand in pools of snowy-slush embracing, and making up for lost time, with everyone peering out of Susans windows at us, and cars beeping as we are causing quite a hold-up, and we're oblivious to it all, cos we're in the middle of something, in the middle of a new beginning, OUR new beginning.

Merry Christmas everyone.