Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars

A.N:

This piece will be silly. It'll be OOC and it'll be full of stuff that never, in a seven-year lifetime of any Star Trek show, would happen. If you don't like seeing Trip acting like a kid and Archer like an off-duty Ensign, I suggest you give this a skip. If you like your fics to be fun, then read on.

Disclaimers: Only the characters' OOCness belongs to me; their names, the ship and C Deck, etc, all belong to Paramount.

The song 'Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars' belongs to Bon Jovi, and is from the album 'Crush'. Listen to it, it's a great song. It goes at thus:

Dressed up for a big date
Like Halloween day but it was Fourth of July now
A car crash with a suitcase and a painted face
She was one of a kind
She wears a plastic crown like Cinderella
And roller skates in bed

Crash rides the greyhound from his hometown
When he comes around 'cause they don't let him drive now
Mixed up as a milkshake
But make no mistake
They're shooting for the stars


You and me
We're invincible together
We can be so tragical, whatever
Dressed up just like ziggy but he couldn't play guitar
Captain Crash and the beauty queen from mars

Share a toothpick, trading lipstick
Watching traffic for days at the diner
Holding hands, making big plans
Playing Superman, he was wearing eyeliner
Another local legend and his long-time lucky charm


You and me
We're invincible together
We can be so tragical, whatever
Dressed up just like ziggy but he couldn't play guitar
Captain Crash and the beauty queen from mars

They're drunk on love as you can get
Getting high on lust and cigarettes
Living life with no regrets
At least they're gonna try to fly



You and me
We're invincible together
We can be so tragical, whatever

We're Sid and Nancy
Fred and Ginger
Clyde and Bonnie
Liz and Richard
Kurt and Courtney
Bacall and Bogie
Joltin' Joe an' Ms. Monroe

Here's Captain Crash and the beauty queen from mars

Chapter One – Trip's Master Plan

They say that when embarking in something as daring and impulsive as space travel, as fantastic a job as it is, you must always prepare yourself for the worst to happen. No one ever told me – not even my father in all his sage wonder – to prepare myself for the utterly most bizarre. And not the utterly most bizarre as in strange new alien races and customs and ways of life, attire and even cuisine, (these things must often be taken with passive acceptance) but bizarre as in the insanely brilliant suggestions your Head Engineer may on a random note decide to come out with sometimes. I think he was having one of his weeks again.

"Ah say why not dress up all Halloween like for 4th of July? It be like one big staff moral boost, with cake an' all."

Dinner with Trip is almost always the highlight of any day where First Contact is not involved, and instead staring at a screen into the mockingly boring void of space for six and a half hours is. (No, I don't say that with spite.)

Dinner with Trip and T'Polhowever is something most often no scaly, bumpy forehead, Spanish speaking alien can ever top.

"May I ask?"

Trip shrugged. "Yer gonna anyway, aren't ya?"

"Indeed. What is this 'Halloween', and the significance of July the 4th?"

Trip smiled to himself as I dared allowed myself to sit back and enjoy the conversation as a side order to my meal. Dinner and a show; this fantastic duo was always as entertaining to watch as it was for everyone else to watch Porthos continue to be the only member on my ship who disobeys my orders. (A comment again said with not a hint of spite…)

"Didn't y' ever wonder why there were so many pretty lights in the sky on the 4th o' July back down on Earth? Never thought to ask?"

"I had not yet been assigned to the Compound on Earth the July before Enterprise was launched."

"Alright, fair 'nough. Then didn't y' ever query why all the kids were lookin' uglier than usual on October 30th?"

"My term at the Compound began on the 1st of November."

Trip shoved a generous chunk of a hapless cow in the form of a steak down his throat. T'Pol tried her very best to ignore it, but it no less rolled around the Southerner's mouth in full view before he swallowed almost half a minute later.

"No kiddin'. Y' missed the best two events o' the year then."

It was always a curiously amusing thing to see Trip reduce T'Pol to a frown.

"From what I had gathered of the crew's priorities last year, I believed a one Christmas Day was the most enjoyed by humans to celebrate."

She could be ever so poetic at times, my Sub Commander.

"Ach, don't listen to 'em. They've just been institutionalised to believe that."

Trip had been reading Dan Brown again...

"Ah c'n promise y' T'Pol, Christmas aint got nothin' on Halloween. Ah mean, y' ever heard of 'The Halloween rush', or any one reasonable family ending' up bankrupted 'cause they had t' buy twenty dollar pumpkins for random relatives livin' in Australia?"

T'Pol dared to open her mouth to reply when Trip pointed his empty fork at her.

"No, y' haven't."

Finally though she asked the question I had been rhyming off in my head to the tune of Jingle Bells since Christmas had been mentioned in the Vulcan's poetic tongue.

"So why do you propose we 'all dress up Halloween like' when it is only July?"

Vulcan logic really is a sweet and undermined thing.

"Because, Sub Commander, it'll be fun, an' one helluvan excuse to go all out ala Halloween style twice in one year."

Trip's logic was probably best undermined at times…

"But why in two days? Why do you specify July 4th as an important date?"

By now it would be understandable to think I was growing weary of their banter. I was not.

"Because July 4th is our day, America's day. A chance to gorge on Twinkies an' play with fireworks in yer backyard. An excuse to drink till the 6th and chat up that girl you've been eyein' at the local Engineerin' Festival in Kissimmee for the past five years. A chance for innocent male bondin' an' goin' all out an' adoptin' a hamster. Chance t' have a lil' fun; cause ah don' think we get enough o' that sometimes here no offence Sir."

He really was having one of his weeks.

"And you do this on the 4th of July because…?"

She was like a dog with a bone at times.

"Because we got our independence on that day."

"We?"

"The Americans."

"But not all the crew are American."

"Who?"

I tried so hard not to laugh. It wasn't his fault he couldn't at least think of Malcolm for the moment; it was the promise of sugar and ice cream and costume if this plan caved through that made him so wilful really.

"Lieutenant Reed, Ensign McWilliams, Crewman Li, myself—"

"Alright, alright, ah get it. But we can celebrate St. George's Day, an' St. Andrew's an… the Chinese New Year – yeah – when they come round, ah'm sure."

"Who are George and Andrew?"

"Alright." As amusing as it was, Trip had been wound up enough by now, and damage was sure to be dealt over the meatloaf if some order wasn't restored.

"Trip, I think that's a good idea."

I ignored the stare of my First Officer.

"If you think you can organise it efficiently."

I really had just given him the golden ticket. His boyish eyes lit up and a smile threatened to split his face clean. He was on his feet a moment later, cow and loaf forgotten.

"Really? Ah can do that?"

I laughed and continued to ignore T'Pol, who looked close to passing out with the utter bizarreness of this whole emerging idea and the fact that I was giving it permission to exist.

"Yes Trip. I think the crew could do with a moral boost, and I don't think we'd have too many objections with rolling Halloween and Independence Day into one day. Just… keep it within the ship's supplies. No overboard jesters, no trading with other ships; just something fun and relatively simple."

"Can ah use the lounges?"

"Yes, you can use the lounges."

"An' the Bridge."

"No, you cannot use the Bridge. The Bridge is actually essential at times."

He didn't seem too disappointed. In fact, it seemed he needed to visit a bathroom. His bouncing feet were beyond control by now.

"You can go plan it now, if you like."

He nodded quickly and thanked me several dozen times before he left. Before he went I heard him utter the idea of karaoke to himself and then he darted off with the door shutting behind him.

"Was that at all wise Sir?"

I decided to be truthful and shook my head. "No."

"Then why did you permit him to organise the event?"

I thought for a moment then took a sip of beer. "Have you ever taken a child shopping before T'Pol?"

She shook her head just as truthfully.

"Well I have, once. I took my eight-year-old cousin shopping whilst my aunt and uncle attended a very distance relative's wedding. I only had to amuse her until eight, and then they promised they'd be home again.

"That day I needed groceries and my cousin, Sarah, seemed quite happy to join me in the shops. But the moment we hit the shelves she turned on me. Suddenly she wanted ice cream and cookies and Coco Pops and then a hot pink dog collar to dress Porthos up with. And so she went on and on until I took her and a full sized tub of chocolate chipped ice cream, a bag of mint cookies, two boxes of Coco Pops, a new pencil case, a fake-leather wallet, a packet of ribbons and a hot pink dog collar home with me, calling it quits on the groceries."

T'Pol threw me somewhat of a sympathetic look. "That must have been… daunting, but I do not understand the relevance of the story."

I smiled half-heartedly and sighed as I leant back in my chair. "She was like a dog with a bone that day T'Pol, would not let up until she had what she wanted. And although all the maternity classes tell you that you should never cave to the whims of a child, it's sometimes the only option. If I don't let Trip do this, he will turn on me like Sarah did, and I wont hear the end of it until Enterprise retires in Space Dock with me."

She nodded, seeming to understand.

"I understand. But why did you have to tell me about Sarah?"

(Like Halloween day but it was Fourth of July now)