Dude, Where's my Turkey?

"Anyone want some more wine?" Lily asks from her post in the kitchen. Sirius grunts in response. Remus mumbles something indecipherable, and examines his stubs of fingernails. Only James answers properly, oblivious to the tense atmosphere in the room. He doesn't seem to notice Remus's oddly withdrawn mood, or the uncharacteristic subdued manner of Sirius, who is sprawled next to him on the small blue sofa.

"Sure, Lils." He glances at Remus, who shakes his head and then looks away, then at Sirius who studiously ignores him. "One, please."

Lily walks in, holding a glass of red Bordeaux. She's wearing a pretty check pink apron and her strawberry red hair has been hastily tied back in a bun. She looks homely and adorable. Remus inexplicably wants her to hug him, and rumple his hair. Sirius inexplicably feels the urge to run from the room, screaming.

"Not long now – the chicken's nearly done." Lily beams at the three boys, who stare up at her blankly. There is an awkward pause, during which no-one speaks. James looks around expectantly, but no-one responds to Lily's statement.

"Not turkey?" Sirius asks suddenly, staring into his lap. Lily jumps in surprise.

"Oh… no." Lily sweeps a few flyaway tendrils of hair behind her ear apologetically. "We couldn't get any." James laughs with feigned cheeriness, and shoots Sirius an impatient look.

"Doesn't matter if we don't go along with all the Christmas traditions, Pads. Turkey's not that important."

"We always used to follow traditions," Sirius blurts out, his voice hurt and angry. "We used to have turkey. We did things way. Until…" he trails off in the middle of his speech, but his unspoken words hang in the air malevolently. Until Lily came along. Remus's face is an unreadable mask, showing no emotion whatsoever. James looks pained. Sirius looks unrepentant. Lily's well-meaning smile has frozen on her face.

Very slowly and deliberately, Lily puts the wine down on the coffee table, and climbs into James's lap, placing her forearms on his shoulders. She smells of delicious cooking smells, of mulled wine and cinnamon. Lily reaches into her pocket and pulls out a sprig of miseltoe. How charming. James grins at her fondly. Something whistles loudly in the kitchen. Lily ignores it. She puts her mouth to his ear.

"I love you, James."

"Love you too –" James begins gruffly, but he is cut off by Lily, who interrupts by kissing him firmly on the lips. James is startled, but eager to reassert his dominance, he kisses Lily back with enthusiasm. Lily laughs into his mouth and turns her head so that his glasses aren't pushing into the bridge of her nose. Then there is silence.

Remus watches them reluctantly, feeling faintly nauseated. A glance in Sirius's direction reveals that Sirius is staring at the couple, a look of utmost revulsion on his face. Their eyes meet over the coffee table, and for once, Remus doesn't automatically look away, but meets Sirius's gaze.

Sirius shivers inside. Remus's eyes are hard and cold and unforgiving. He stares back defiantly, not wanting to seem weak. Lily makes a murmuring noise as James kisses her throat. Remus's mouth twitches, and he looks away. Sirius lowers his eyes, scowling. He's won the staring contest, but somehow it feels like he's lost.

Fucking bastard, Remus thinks suddenly. His inner English gentleman protests feebly at such explicit language, but Remus is too enraged to listen to him. Fucking bastard… if he's so in love with James, why doesn't he just tell him and save us all the trouble of listening to his petulant whining… I can't believe he didn't tell me about them. I can't believe that he could be so… selfish.

Fucking Mudblood bitch, Sirius thinks vehemently, fuming at the far end of the sofa. He's moved as far away from Lily and James as possible. Fucking flaunting her power over Prongs, fucking cooking like a bloody house-elf, fucking ruining Christmas. Sirius chances a glance at Remus. He's still looking at James and Lily surreptitiously, who are snuggled up to each other, whispering. They obviously don't care that there are other people in the room with them. Remus is gazing at them wistfully, fiddling with a hangnail on his left hand.

FUCKING MOONY. Sirius is furious all of a sudden. Bet you fucking wish I was kissing you like that, don't you Remus… bet you wish we were laughing and joking and I was feeding you the last bit of chocolate from your advent calendar… I'm never taking you back, so don't even ask. Just don't ask. Fucking James… I am not in love with James…

Remus stands up suddenly, shaking his head as if to clear it of unwanted thoughts.

"I'll get the kettle," he announces, his voice quavering. He walks out of the room stiffly and into the kitchen. Lily and James watch him go in silence, then James whispers something in Lily's ear and she giggles and tells him not to be so stupid. James kisses her in reply. Sirius is left sitting at one end of the tiny sofa, with an amorous James and Lily at the other end. The whistling in the kitchen stops abruptly.

"Fucking chicken," Sirius mutters sulkily, and gets up as well. He storms out of the door and into the kitchen, where Remus is staring blankly at the steaming kettle, trying to figure out why it was put on to boil in the first place. He turns towards Sirius as he marches in. Sirius stops in his tracks. Neither of them speak for a while. Sirius pulls out the kitchen stool and sits down on it, breathing deeply.

"I wish Peter were here," Remus says eventually, tracing a shape with his finger in the cool metal of the sink. Sirius glares sulkily. If Peter were there, instead of at his parents', nothing would be any different. Everything would be just as fucked up as it is now. Only… Peter would be there, adding to the awkwardness with his sit-on-the-fence impartiality. Sirius could just see Wormtail's face, screwed up with puzzled worry, trying to work out the logic of the feud between the couples.

"I wish Peter were here," Sirius mimics, in a high pitched imitation of Remus's voice. Then he says something he instantly regrets. "Jesus, Moony – maybe you're in love with Wormtail." Remus picks up the kettle and slowly pours the boiling water down the drain. His cheeks are tinged with pink, but he speaks evenly.

"You don't know what love is, Padfoot."

Sirius blanches.

"You – you fucking cock."

Remus retains his composure, and replaces the kettle on the kitchen counter. The steam from the sink adds to the intense humidity in the miniature kitchen.

"You are in love with no-one but yourself."

"How'd you figure that one out?" This comes out in a kind of sarcastic whisper. Sirius actually feels like yelling and smashing things, but Lily and Prongs are in the next room…

"You're so maddened by the fact that Prongs might want to spend time with Lily more than he wants to spend time with you." Remus hisses bitterly, his words spilling out uncontrollably. "That he might take Lily's side in an argument. That he might tell Lily secrets he won't tell you. That he loves her more than he loves you. That you're not the most important person in his life."

"Shut up. Before I hurt you." Sirius is shaking with anger. He rises from the stool, fists clenched. Remus isn't afraid. Remus was never afraid of him, though Peter was most of the time. And even James, on occasion. But never Remus. It was one of the little things that no-one else could understand.

"Of course, I loved you. I wanted to spend eternity with you. I told you everything." Remus pauses, and empties a half-full glass of water into the sink, watching the liquid swirl down the plughole. "But all that wasn't enough for Messr Black, was it? You had to try and fuck James."

Sirius advances on Remus, his face like thunder. Remus doesn't bat an eyelid. Sirius's voice is low and dangerous.

"I never fucked James."

"Only because he didn't want you."

"That's not why –"

"Don't pretend the thought of being faithful crossed your mind at all, Pads. Tell me, how does rejection feel? How does it feel to be second best? What did it feel like when James said thanks, but no thanks? When he declined to -"

Sirius grabs the collar of Remus's shirt roughly. Remus looks faintly amused. It's infuriating.
"You know, that's the most affection you've shown me in a month. Did it always repulse you to touch me, or did you just imagine I was Prongs?"

"Shut up." Sirius tightens his grip on Remus's shirt. "You… you… I was drunk and confused. I didn't know what I was doing…"

"You weren't there when I woke up," Remus says softly. "You promised you would be… that you'd be the first thing I'd see… but you weren't there. You were with James."

"I was drunk."

"You promised."

There is silence. Sirius lets go of Remus's shirt and looks at him helplessly.

"I… I can't be in love with James."

"Why not?"

"Because I thought I was in love with you… oh, fuck it."

Remus watches Sirius warily. Sirius looks at him earnestly, his dark brown eyes pleading at him. Remus knows what it must be costing Sirius to be so mature, so restrained.

I wonder what he'd be doing if we were alone, Remus muses. Yelling and smashing things? He continues to stare at Sirius, who is holding his head in his hands. Or maybe he'd be ripping your clothes off. Kissing you. Insisting that he doesn't love James, that he's never loved James…

Remus needs Sirius to jump him. To grab him and kiss him roughly. He needs Sirius to be rash and impulsive and impetuous and dispel all their problems with his wave of chaos. But now, when Remus needs Sirius to be reliably stupid and incautious, Sirius is cowering in a corner of the kitchen, vulnerable and helpless. Remus is being cruel to him. The tables have been turned, and Remus doesn't like it at all. And since Sirius won't, or can't, do anything to save the situation, Remus can't, or won't, tell Sirius that he's already forgiven him completely. A thousand times over. For everything.

"Let's go back to Lily and Prongs," Remus says, sighing. Ever practical, he picks up the bottle of red wine from the draining board, and two chipped glasses. Sirius follows Remus out of the kitchen silently, blinking back angry tears.

The only way either of them are going to get through the night in one piece is to become extremely drunk.

Part Two is in the works...