Fading Echoes of a Christmas Carol

"Hey, everyone! Why don't we do presents now?"

Lily's chirpy suggestion startles Sirius out of his stupor. He stares at her, bleary-eyed, trying to figure out the significance of what she's just said. It takes a while for the meaning of the words to sink in.

Oh, right. Sirius scratches the heel of his hand ruminatively. Presents. It's Christmas, after all. Can't have a Christmas without presents.

"Yeah, that's a great idea," Sirius answers unenthusiastically. Remus coughs as unobtrusively as possible from his seat in the armchair, but no-one thirds the present idea. James is half-asleep anyway, his glasses askew, his head resting in Lily's lap. Lily taps James on the head with her pink fingernails.

"Wake up, sleepyhead. Presents!"

James yawns hugely, mumbles something indecipherable and then snuggles his head deeper into Lily's lap. Lily rolls her eyes in mock irritation and tugs at his hair. Sirius feels nauseous watching them, watching all the casual intimacy and tenderness. He wants to run into the bathroom and be sick noisily because of it, to throw up all of Lily's wonderful cooking, the chicken, the potatoes, everything. Or maybe it's just the after-effect of all the alcohol he's just consumed.

James sits up grudgingly and polishes his glasses on his trousers, doing his best to seem alert.

"Ok, guys. Presents! Lots of fun and merriment. Frivolity." James bounds off the sofa and extends a hand back to Lily, to pull her up. Remus pushes himself up from the sagging armchair with some difficulty. Sirius stands up, and they follow James and Lily to the tree. James and Lily's hands are still clasped tightly. Sirius's hands have been stuffed resolutely in his pockets, and Remus is holding the glass of wine he's been nursing for the past couple of hours. They don't look at each other.

It isn't even a real tree, Sirius thinks miserably. There was always a real tree in the Black household, about eight foot high, perfectly trimmed and pruned to perfection. Regulus and Sirius were never allowed to decorate it – the house elves did that, to Mrs. Black's specifications – but on Christmas Eve, Sirius used to like lying on his stomach under the branches, inhaling the clean, pine scent that surrounded him.

Lily's done her best, as usual, twining tinsel and fairy-lights around the plastic shrub, hanging sparkly decorations on the needles, but just as chicken isn't turkey, this five-foot Muggle monstrosity can't possibly compare to the real thing. That's why Sirius decides to hate the tree, along with Christmas, the chicken, Lily and James, and especially Remus. Remus. He's still working on hating Remus, but he doesn't know if he can manage it yet.

"What did you get me?" James teases Remus, bobbing around animatedly, like a bizarre character in a cartoon. Only a flicker of annoyance shows itself on Remus's face. Lily is quietly working on moving all of Peter's presents into a small pile.

"You'll just have to wait and see," Remus says quietly, placing his untouched glass of wine on the floor and sitting down cross-legged, like a child. "Shall we start?" He glances at a large present with his name on it, clumsily wrapped in scarlet paper, though he's trying his hardest not to acknowledge it. It's Sirius's gift.

Sirius sees Remus looking at his present, and winces. He remembers agonizing over what to get, bringing it home triumphantly and then wrapping it in the bathroom whilst sitting in the sink, because that was the only room with a lock on the door, wasn't it, and he didn't want Remus coming home early and seeing what he'd bought. Not that he minded that there wasn't a lock anywhere else. Why would he? They didn't have secrets from each other. Then.

"I'll do mine first, shall I? Best to get them out of the way, they're crap," Lily says cheerfully. She shoves three small parcels into each of the boys' hands. Remus unwraps his carefully, without much excitement.

"Oh! Thanks so much, Lily."

It's a pen. Not just any pen, a beautiful tortoiseshell fountain pen with a silver nib. Remus knows it's silly, but he actually believes the quality of his writing improves when he's writing with a nice pen or quill, as opposed to a stubby pencil or a leaky ballpoint that keeps staining his fingers garish colours. He gives Lily a tentative smile. It's small, but genuine. She beams back.

"Oh, holy shit."

This statement is from James. He's holding Lily's present in his hands, cradling it in the wrapping paper, not daring to touch it for fear that it might disappear into thin air once he tries to claim it. He looks up at Lily, his eyes wide.

"You didn't."

"I did."

James proffers the gift to Remus, his hands trembling. Remus sees a blue slip of paper inside the wrapping paper.

"Mmm," he says vaguely, trying to figure out what it might be.

"Season ticket," James whispers, his voice hoarse. "For all of next year. I can get into any Quidditch match absolutely free… bring a guest… no charge on drinks… this is un-fucking-believable!" James sets the package down reverently and envelops Lily in a huge bear-hug. She squeals in delighted excitement and makes a feeble attempt at getting free. Sirius looks down forlornly at the watch Lily bought him. It's nice. He slips it into his pocket without putting it on.

"Thanks for the watch," he mumbles, but James is occupied with kissing Lily soundly, and Remus is fingering his pen, so no-one hears. Once James has managed to extricate himself from his girlfriend, he turns on Sirius.

"Which ones are yours, mate?"

"The badly-wrapped, red ones," Sirius answers, feeling the watch in his pocket. "But I don't want to go next."

James isn't paying any attention. He hands Lily her box-shaped gift, then picks up his own parcel. He drags Remus's present out from behind the tree and sets it down near the werewolf. Lily opens her box first.

"Oh, perfume. Lovely. Thanks so much." Sirius nods gruffly in response. Perfume, to him, is a universal girl gift. It's what he bought for his mother, when they still exchanged gifts. It's what he bought for his conquests, when his name was Sirius "I-Shag-Everything-That-Moves-And-Some-Things-That-Don't" Black. It's not personal. It's simply polite.

James is thrilled to bits with his present, a mirror 'because I'm so vain, right?', and a small handmade book, entitled How to Tell if You're a Twat. Sirius wrote it himself, in crayon, although Remus did help with some of the illustrations. The first page reads, Is your name James Potter? Then there is a space, and it says, If you answered yes to this question, you probably are a twat, but turn the page so I can insult you further. James, ever obedient, turns the page, and something explodes in his face.

Remus is taking an eternity to open his present. It's the largest of the three, and soon James is nearly wetting himself with impatience, apparently dying to know what's inside.

"Just rip the paper off, Moony."

"I don't want to tear it," Remus answers, stalling for time. I don't want to open it, he thinks sourly.

"It's already torn."

Remus looks down at the gift and sees that this is true. Sirius was never the most meticulous of present wrappers. Remus remembers the Christmas of '74. It was just how he'd always imagined Armageddon, except with more sparkly coloured paper and Spellotape. Remus is distracted from his reverie by the fact that James is opening his present for him, shredding the paper in his eagerness.

"No, I'll do it!" Remus lifts the large box gingerly out of the tattered remains of the wrapping and lifts up the lid. Lying in the box is a black guitar, some sheet music lying on top of it. Remus stares at it. James stares at it.

"You play, Moony?"

"Of course he does," Lily reminds James, picking out the sheaf of notes. "Look! I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas… Do you remember in sixth year, at the Christmas party, when you lot got him drunk? He picked up Bernard's guitar and started singing I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas in the corner. And then, by the end of the first verse, the entire room had gone deathly silent. Like in a film."

"Er," James says. "I think… possibly… the trauma I experienced hearing that carol may have caused me to block it out of my memory."

"Shut up, it was beautiful," Lily scolds, going over to the box and plucking the guitar strings gently. A few notes vibrate across the room. "I think it's more likely that the massive amounts of Firewhiskey you drank that night caused you to forget."

"Also a possibility," James concedes. "So! Moony… are you going to sing for us? Play something!"

"I don't think so," Remus answers, putting the lid back on the top. "I'm not really in the singing mood."

"Go on," Lily wheedles, flapping the sheet music in front of his face. Her green eyes flash mischievously. "It'll be fun."

"If he doesn't want to sing, don't make him," Sirius protests. Everyone stares at him, and he feels his face grow hot. "I mean… if he doesn't feel up to it, then…"

"It's alright, Sirius," Remus says quietly, taking the sheet music from Lily and putting it back inside the box. "It was a really thoughtful gift. I appreciate it."

Sirius sinks onto the carpeted floor miserably.

It wasn't supposed to be a thoughtful gift, he thinks sadly. It was meant to be a meaningful gift. And you were meant to sing to us, and we were all meant to laugh, and take turns on it, and it was meant to be fun. Not thoughtful.

But I guess I fucked that up, didn't I?

"Why don't you give Pads our present to him now?" James asks Remus eventually. Remus nods obligingly, and hands Sirius a tiny blue box from the base of the tree. It isn't even wrapped.

"It's technically Moony's present, because he chose it," James tells Sirius matter-of-factly. "But there's no way he could have paid for it on his own –sorry mate, but it's true- and Wormtail and I hadn't picked out anything yet, so we all decided to share. And I forgot to wrap it, because I was out buying… other things. But you'll like it."

Sirius rolls the box around in his hands. He likes presents, but it doesn't seem as if his best friends have made much of an effort this year.

"What could you have bought me that's so expensive but so small?" Sirius wonders aloud, not meeting Remus's eye. "It's not a diamond ring, is it?"

Irritation flickers briefly over James's face.

"No, it's not. Look, don't guess. Just open it."

Sirius snaps the box open. Inside are some keys, attached to a keyring that reads: Live fast, die young. Sirius lifts them up with one finger and stares at James quizzically.

"Keys? Gee, thanks."

"We bought you the motorbike," James says simply. Sirius stares at him in disbelieving astonishment.

The motorbike.

Sirius has wanted the motorbike for ages. He fell in love with it instantly when he saw it in Knockturn Alley, all gleaming and polished and calling his name. Psst! Sirius! Unfortunately, the bike cost far more than he could afford – nearly 150 Galleons. He hadn't even bothered to hint at it when Remus asked what he wanted for Christmas, it was so out of his price range, but he'd been saving up for it secretly. At the moment, the money in the Motorbike Fund comes to 4 Galleons, 3 Sickles and 15 Knuts. Sirius thinks he's about to cry for the second time today.

"Wow," he breathes, putting down the box and hugging James enthusiastically. It doesn't take much acting. James grins smugly, and fiddles with his glasses. Remus says nothing. Sirius blusters on regardless. "That's amazing. Just fucking… amazing. You guys are the best. I wish 'Tail were here so I could thank him." He looks down at the keys in the box with awe, and notices a folded square of parchment tucked underneath them. He picks it up and unfolds it, but before he can read it, Remus darts forward across James and snatches it from him.

"Hey," Sirius protests weakly. "My present?"

"Just some rubbish," Remus answers briskly, scrunching the parchment up into a ball along with the other scraps of wrapping paper. "I don't know why it was in there."

"It had writing on it," Sirius protests angrily, starting to get up. "It was mine."

"It was junk, trust me," Remus replies evenly, returning to his earlier state of composure. "It didn't have anything on it that would matter to you."

"It was mine, and you're not letting me have it!"

"Padfoot mate, calm down." James rests a warning hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I don't know anything about any bits of parchment. It probably fell in there by mistake. Shopping list."

It was not fucking put in there by mistake, Sirius rages. It was mine, and Moony doesn't want me to see it. Fucking, fucking… I don't care. I don't care about stupid Moony anymore. I'm not going to think about what was written there. I'm just going to enjoy my motorbike.

"Fine," Sirius replies, glaring at Remus, who pretends not to notice. James claps him on the back reassuringly. "It's fine."

"I'll just go and throw all the crap away, shall I?" Remus asks. Without waiting for an answer, he leaves the room with the bundle of paper tucked under his arm. A few seconds later, Sirius can hear him scrunching it into the bin in the kitchen.

Bastard.

Lily picks up a small, square box with her name on it. James sees her holding it, and instantly turns green, then red, then green again. Like a festive set of traffic lights.

"That's… er… that's my present."

Lily turns it over and over in her hands. She shakes it, but nothing happens. She then makes a great display of peering at it, trying to guess what it might be.

"Open it, why don't you?" Sirius asks, sounding more exasperated than he'd meant to. He just wants the present-giving to be over, so that this horrible, horrible Christmas day can finally end.

Lily pulls off the green wrapping paper with trepidation, and lifts the lid of her box up. Inside is a smaller box, wrapped in pink tissue paper. She tears that off quickly and opens the second box. Inside is a third box, wrapped in mauve tissue paper. She unwraps that, and pauses, raising an eyebrow. Inside the third box is a smaller package, covered with white tissue.

"That's the last one, I swear." James promises hurriedly. Lily sighs, and picks up the tiny package, picking off the tissue with her fingernails. Inside is a little silver box. She undoes the catch slowly. Sirius already thinks he knows what's inside it. It's kind of glaringly obvious, from James's newly lime green complexion and the frivolous packaging. Still, he can't help hoping that he'll be proved wrong.

He isn't.

"Oh, sweet Merlin," Lily breathes. She picks up the diamond ring and gazes at wonderingly as it shines in her palm. Remus enters the room silently, and stands in the doorway, looking at the scene before him in confusion. All eyes are on Lily, and the massive ring in her hand.

Please let it not be an engagement ring, Sirius pleads to whatever deity might be listening. Of course, if it wasn't an engagement ring, it would be mortifying, even by James's standards, but Sirius can't bear to contemplate the idea of James getting married.

"Lily, I love you." James says, blinking furiously behind his glasses. "Ever since you came into my life, I dunno why, but it's been better, and amazing, and I feel… sort of… whole."

Lily looks at the ring, then at James, then at the ring again. Tears are running down her cheeks, and her mascara is smudging. She looks enormously pretty nonetheless. It probably has something to do with her naïve surprise and the way her tears are making her bottle-green eyes sparkle so much.

"I know we haven't been together all that long, but I really… I really want to take care of you," James mumbles awkwardly. This is the least Boys' Club thing he's ever done in his life, this proposing. "And I want to give you everything you've ever wanted, and I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. Even when we're both old and ugly, and my beautiful hair is falling out. And I want to have your babies – I mean, I want you to – I want to have kids with you, Lils. And I want… I'm not entirely sure what I want, but I just want you. Please marry me, Lily. Please."

"Of course I will!" Lily exclaims, sobbing and laughing. "I love you, you big–"

Lily flings her arms around James's neck. James sits there, literally limp with relief. He stares at Sirius over Lily's shoulder, wet-eyed.

"How great is this, Pads?"

Sirius feels numb with self-hatred. Remus has broken up with him for a stupid fling he had with Prongs, the most heterosexual man on the planet. And now Prongs is getting married. To Lily Evans.

Now I can't have either of them, Sirius thinks, wishing the world would begin to collapse in on itself, and so change the subject from James and Lily's engagement. I can't have Moony, and I can't have Prongs. I guess all that's left is Peter.

"It's great, really great," Sirius agrees. His mouth is suddenly very dry and there's a huge lump in his throat. He licks his lips and swallows.

"Congratulations, James. And Lily."

"Yes, congratulations." Remus walks towards the couple and Lily stands up and hugs him. James takes the ring from her, and shuffles onto one knee. Lily blushes, and James pushes the ring up her finger tenderly before standing up proudly. They all gaze at it. It's beautiful, glittering on Lily's hand like a star.

"Why didn't you tell me you were planning this?" Sirius asks James quietly. James screws his face up in confusion. "This," Sirius elaborates, waving his arm vaguely. "The wedding, the proposal. The thing. You should have told me, at least."

"Oh," James replies. "I wanted it to be a surprise." He puts an arm round Lily and squeezes. "Surprise!"

Lily laughs, grabs James's hand and kisses it.

"It was an incredible surprise."

"Right," Sirius says dully looking around for an exit. He has to get out. He has to get out. "I'm just… going to the loo… you guys carry on… well done…"

Sirius stumbles out of the room, opens the first door he sees and locks the door behind him. He can hear the others cooing over Lily's engagement ring in the living room. Lily lets out a peal of angelic laughter. Breathing heavily, he turns around.

Oh, well done, Sirius's brain tells him nastily. He's barricaded himself in the kitchen by accident. A mountain of dirty washing-up is lying in the sink. Dirty plates, wine glasses, stained saucers. will have to deal with all that later, Sirius thinks spitefully. Hope she puts some gloves on over that shiny new ring…

Sirius slaps his forehead irritably. He's not going to think malicious thoughts about Lily, because he's not jealous of her. He doesn't want James, not in that way. Or does he? Sirius sighs, and is about to leave and seek refuge in the toilet, but a scrap of shiny paper sticking out of the bin catches his eye. Somewhere in there is the parchment that Remus didn't want him to see.

Quickly checking the bolt on the door, Sirius races over to the bin and pulls out the whole bundle of paper. Bad move. Gravy splatters all over the floor, and a few leftovers tumble onto the tiles. A morsel of cheese rolls underneath the fridge. Cringing, Sirius glances backwards at the lock and begins to try and sort the trash.

Sirius can see immediately that Remus ripped up the paper, because there are scraps of yellowish parchment all over the pile of rubbish, each with portions of Remus's familiar scrawl inked on them. Sirius tries to piece them together, but it's difficult, most of them are covered in gravy and other unsavoury substances – a particularly disturbing green sludge gets stuck on his thumb and refuses to wipe off.

The most he can make out of the letter are a few random words and phrases – "motorbike", "As you always say", "choice" and, perplexingly, "antique banana". Or perhaps it's not "antique banana". Remus's handwriting, difficult to read under normal circumstances, is now almost indecipherable, due to smudging and rips down the centre of important words. Giving up, Sirius scoops up a handful of rubbish to put back in the bin, and a large scrap of parchment, much bigger than the others, flies out of the midst of it. It comes to rest at his knees. Sirius dunks the paper into the wastebasket and picks the paper up carefully, hands trembling.

It's an excerpt from something, written in cramped letters (perhaps Remus was running out of space?) and he can tell it was the last thing in the message, because near the bottom rip the top half of Remus's signature can be made out. Sirius reads it to himself silently.

O swear not by the moon, th'inconstant moon, That monthly changes in her circled orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

Do not swear at all. Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, Which is the god of my idolatry. And I'll believe thee.

Remus.

Sirius remembers the night of the party when Remus grabbed Bernard's guitar and started singing Christmas carols. After everyone had thrown up in increasingly inventive places and abused the use of mistletoe several times, the party had ended, and it was time for the Gryffindors to go to bed. Sirius, still coming down from the high of the party, had asked an already sober Remus to read him a bedtime story. Remus had chosen William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Sirius had fallen asleep in the middle of it, shortly after Mercutio died.