TRIGGER WARNING - There are big mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Also elements of abuse throughout the story. Please read with caution.

Lucy swore her chest had never felt so tight. Despite her anger, she couldn't help but imagine how much it was going to hurt when Natsu would leave. He wouldn't walk past and drag her to the piano room without a word. He wouldn't yell at her when she was being unreasonable. He'd just be gone.

It was then that she realised that she didn't even know when he was going to leave. A small ball of dread starting to form in her stomach, so quickly that she winced in pain.

"Ow," she muttered and wrapped her arms around her middle.

When she was sure the coast was clear, she exited her room and made her way towards the library. She needed to calm down. The last thing anyone needed was Lucy having another breakdown, and she pettily didn't want to give Natsu the satisfaction. But, if she was being honest, she didn't want to make him feel bad about something he couldn't control.

He could certainly control being such a dick, though. Her mind flickered back to his confession, about having had another girl in the piano room. She tried to ignore the painful twist in her stomach at the thought. Surely that was just another tactic to push her away.

Regardless, it was the most successful one.

She checked nearest clock to check the time. 11:30 am. That gave her half an hour before dinner. Lucy's lips turned down at the thought of food. She didn't eat that morning either but with the emotional roller coaster that she had been on – from her mother and Natsu – the thought of food only made her feel nauseated.

As Lucy turned the corner to enter the library, she found her usual seat taken by Levy. The blue-haired girl had her legs curled up beneath her on the small couch and her nose buried in a generously paged book. Lucy was about to sigh in annoyance but then her eyes landed on the title of the book.

"Oh," Lucy said aloud accidentally. Levy looked up and Lucy pointed at the book she was reading. "Sorry – I'm just surprised someone else likes that book. I love it."

Levy's expression went from shocked to delighted as Lucy spoke. Lucy didn't have the chance to ponder her expressions as the sound of the short-haired girl's voice perked up.

"Really? I've liked this book ever since I was a little girl. I've read it whenever I felt down ever since I got here."

"You read the same book more than once?"

"You don't?"

"No – I do. I've just never met anyone else who did. My father used to say it was something that narrow-minded people did."

Levy's eyes clouded with so much sadness that Lucy knew for sure it was about more than a mean comment from a parent. Lucy knew that everyone knew about what happened with her father, but the thought still made her uncomfortable. Just as her mood began to plummet at the thought, Levy started talking once again.

"I can't even name all the ways I disagree with that. I catch on to something new I never noticed every time I read a book. It's too much to take in in just one reading!"

"Right? I don't know how people can just read it once."

"Exactly!" Levy laughed and Lucy managed a smile. It was quiet for a moment before Lucy decided to try something really new.

"So… You said you read it when you're down?" She began, Levy looked startled before nodding slowly. "Everything okay?"

"Well, actually…" Levy closed the book and placed it softly at her Side before leaning towards Lucy. "Don't tell anyone, but it's actually Gajeel."

Lucy's brows shot up. She found herself leaning forwards in interest as Levy went on, all thoughts of Natsu's betrayal gone.

"I haven't even told Mirajane this but… Gajeel and I…" Levy's face was slowly turning bright red and if Lucy wasn't so stunned she would have laughed.

"Wait, wait, wait – " Lucy chanted and Levy dropped her head and groaned into her hands. "Gajeel and you? You and him?"

"Yes…" Levy lifted her face from her hands and looked miserably at Lucy. "I've liked him from the moment I met him. He is so different from anyone I have ever known. He's so... strong and sure of himself but he treats me so kindly. He even protects me. I love it and a while down the line he told me he likes me too and – "

"And what?" Lucy gasped and Levy groaned again.

"Nothing, nothing!" Levy cried. Lucy turned her head at her in disbelief before the blue-haired girl huffed in embarrassment. "Well, something – "

"Well, what?"

"Well, we just made out a little!"

"A little?"

"Well…"

"What?"

"Lucy," Levy groaned and both girls squealed with laughter. This was the most welcome distraction from a breakdown that she'd ever had.

"Well, back to the point," she managed once she found her voice. "Why are you down? It's about Gajeel, that much I know."

Levy's shoulders dropped, and she nodded.

"We had a fight, which really doesn't happen between us - Not seriously, anyway. I'm sure you can tell that he's close to going home. He's come really far and I'm proud of him."

Lucy nodded before pressing lightly. "But?"

"But he says he wants to 'pretend' to be bad again. You know, with all the anger stuff. So that he doesn't have to leave."

"Wait, time out," Lucy held a palm up with a frown. "Why would he do that?"

Levy shrugged before smiling sadly at Lucy. It was then that Lucy released a small sigh of understanding.

"Oh."

"Yep."

"That's a lot."

"You're telling me," Levy pulled her legs up to wrap her arms around them and rest her chin on her knees. She stared at the carpet before continuing. "It's not like I want him to leave. I care about him so much. Way more than I should. But he can't throw away his future and his health just because of me. That's not right."

Lucy nodded slowly. Levy was completely right. It was hard not to compare both of their situations, but the more Lucy did the more she realised that they were very different. Gajeel was leaving because he was ready. Natsu didn't have any say in the matter and he certainly wasn't ready.

Lucy couldn't help but think that there was some truth in what Natsu said, despite how much it hurt her. Maybe it really was only ever a bad thing to start something romantic in a place like this. Lucy shook the thought away and focused on Levy.

"I get it," Lucy said quietly. "So, you told him this? That's why you fought?"

Levy huffed and nodded.

"Yep. He still kinda struggles with his anger and wanted to be alone. It's been a while now though, so I can expect him at any moment."

"And then what?" Lucy asked carefully. Levy just shrugged.

"He'll see sense. He's not as dense as everyone thinks, he's one of the smartest people I know. He just leads heavily with his emotions, which then leads to things like – "

"This." Lucy quipped. They both laughed softly.

"Yeah." Levy nodded before lifting her head to look after Lucy, her eyes twinkling with humour. "But I have a feeling that I'm not the only one here who has to deal with boy trouble."

"I am very sure I don't know what you're talking about." Lucy tried to respond seriously but couldn't help but laugh when Levy did. There was this weird, light feeling in her chest as she did. Is this what normal friends did?

"You wanna talk about it?" Levy smiled. Lucy opened her mouth to tell her no but stopped. This entire institution's solution to everything was to talk, so why not try it when she feels semi-relaxed?

"Actually, yeah," Lucy breathed. "Natsu and I have kinda been best friends since my first few days here. We fight all the time so…"

Lucy shrugged.

"And is that all you've ever been?" Levy asked softly. "Best friends? It's never gotten…"

Levy trailed off and Lucy felt her cheeks flush as the heated kisses in the piano room sprung to the forefront of her mind.

"Oh, something definitely happened!" Levy teased and Lucy shot her a look.

"Fine!" Lucy brushed her hair from her face and raised her chin. "We – We've kissed. A few times."

"Kissed?"

"Fine, made out." Lucy hissed but Levy just laughed.

"And what? You guys never thought about discussing that?"

Lucy opened her mouth to reply but ended up shrugging. Natsu and she had discussed it, to a point. But it's a topic they had never revisited for some reason. Things had gotten so crazy that she figured he'd just forgotten.

But she thought about it a lot. She even found herself wanting to do it again and explore it further – and she had no doubt that Natsu felt the same way, with the way his eyes sometimes lingered on her lips when their conversations faltered. But just when she thought he would lean in and capture her lips deliciously in his own, he would lean back, gruffly clear his throat and excuse himself. And they wouldn't talk about it.

Lucy told Levy all of this, and the girl listened with intent and caring eyes. Lucy left out the recent fight, and the whole 'I had other girls in the piano room' shit - She knew she wouldn't be able to talk about that without shutting down.

But the blonde found the conversation at times more therapeutic than some of her therapy sessions. Talking about the more mundane parts of her experience with Natsu was… nice. Erza helped her a lot and so did Gildarts, but there was certainly something about talking to someone who was experiencing a similar thing. And who wasn't listening to you just because they got paid for it.

It was so normal. Two girls just sitting down and talking about how fucking annoying boys were. Lucy found a new fondness for Levy and suddenly felt she was certainly someone she could approach if need be.

But of course, their fun was abruptly cut short.

"Shrimp?"

The two looked up to find Gajeel stood sheepishly in the doorway. Lucy found it hard to concentrate on Levy's reaction as her eyes found Natsu's, who was stood at Gajeel's side.

"Comin' to lunch?" Natsu asked Lucy in a low voice. Lucy held his gaze for a moment before standing and walking around him, not looking back at him once.

Once she got her food, she sat on a table with their usual group but found herself growing more and more nauseous at the sight of food.

"You not hungry?" Natsu asked quietly.

Lucy had to fight a wince at the sound of his voice. He had sat next to her, despite her glaring at him. She couldn't believe he was acting like nothing had happened, like they hadn't had the worse fight of their… whatever it was. Like he hadn't said that he… Lucy squeezed her eyes shut.

"No," Lucy muttered and pushed away her tray. He was making her stomach hurt – it was like she was being stabbed in her side every time he spoke.

"Did you eat this mornin'?" he asked, and she felt like closing her eyes and counting to ten.

"No." she said again through grit teeth. "Just leave me alone."

"Luce, you need to – "

Lucy didn't want to hear anymore. She stood and quickly made her way towards her room. Her heart soared when she realised, she was going to make it. She was removing herself away from a toxic situation.

"Lucy."

She groaned.

"Oh my god."

Lucy whipped around just before reaching her room to find Gildarts looking at her with passive eyes.

"Can't I have one minute alone?" she snapped at the poor man.

"It's one pm." He said, ignoring her bark and pushing a bag of pills into her hands and a bottle of water. "Today, please."

Lucy winced. Even water made her feel sick, but she knew that Gildarts wouldn't leave her alone if she said that. She took all the pills together and washed them down before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Happy?"

Gildarts offered her a playful smile.

"You did great. Want a prize?"

"Some peace and quiet would be nice," she grumbled as she turned on her heels to enter her room. She stumbled when a dull ache attacked her Side. "Ouch...!"

She gripped her door frame and tried to gather her wits when she heard Gildarts behind her.

"Hey, you alright?"

"You're still here?" She managed through clenched teeth. Instead of his normal teasing gaze she found him looking quite concerned.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing – Just an upset stomach."

"You sure?"

"Yes, now can I please have some peace? I feel sick so I just want to lay down a while."

Gildarts watched her for a long moment before nodding slowly and walking away.

"I'll tell Erza you're excused. Update me on how you feel tomorrow." He yelled and Lucy shut the door before he was even finished.

Lucy took the entire day off – she even skipped group – and went to bed nice and early. For once, she slept the whole night, regardless of the nagging pain in her side. She refused to think about Natsu and what to do about him. All she wanted to do, was sleep…

The next day, Lucy didn't wake up feeling better.

She felt worse.

The pain had grown horribly, no matter how she stood or sat, nothing made it feel better. And it was relentless, it didn't flare up or calm down it just… remained. It hurt so bad she didn't even have time to think about Natsu. She didn't think she had a fever, but she did feel hot and sick, but that could just be because she slept with all the covers. Surely that's all it was.

Of course, Gildarts came banging on her door at seven in the morning, and she didn't even have the energy to try and hide how hideous she felt.

"Here's your – Wow."

"Oh, thank you."

"No better?"

Lucy shook her head but knew not to grip her side – If she could pass this as a bug, he would leave her alone. She was sure that's all it was anyway, but everyone here liked to make a drama of everything, and Gildarts was no exception.

"What are your symptoms. Abdomen pain?"

Lucy controlled her expression and shook her head no. "Just feel sick. My stomach hurts a little, but I think it's just the nausea."

Gildarts nodded. "I included some anti-nausea pills for you today, just in case. I'll let Erza know how you're doing."

"Thanks, Gildarts."

"Don't mention it."

Gildarts left and Lucy had flopped down on her bed for a total of ten seconds before someone came bursting into the room.

"Lucy."

"Knock much?" Lucy snapped as she sat up, her side protesting as she did. Natsu rolled his eyes at her and grasped her upper arm to help her stand.

"Ugh – Natsu, what are you – "

"We need to talk."

"I'm in my pyjamas - "

"Then we'll talk here!" he snapped at her and turned around to shut her door. When he turned to face her again it seemed he finally took in her appearance. "Wait, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," She grabbed her jacket from her bed and pulled it on. "Why are you here? Go away."

"I need to talk to you." He repeated. Lucy felt a knot of fury tighten in her stomach.

"Well, I don't want to talk." She snapped. "And you don't have the right to demand me to, after the shit you said."

Natsu at least had the decency to cast his eyes down at that. "Luce – "

"This was a dumb idea? I never should have pursued you? You're not the only girl I've had in the piano room? What, do you want a round of applause, Natsu?" Lucy mocked scornfully. Natsu narrowed his eyes.

"I know you're upset," He growled. "But that doesn't mean you get to talk to me like shit."

"Oh," Lucy laughed. A real laugh that made Natsu's eyes flash with fury. "Oh, my bad. I forgot you're the only one allowed to be a dick in this - whatever this is. I should have remembered my place, huh? Wake the fuck up Natsu, it's not the fifteenth century."

"Why won't you let me just say I'm sorry?" He finally barked, his patience wearing.

"Because that wouldn't be enough!" Lucy cried, her voice raising the loudest she had ever spoken to him. Natsu blinked but she didn't stop. "You hurt me, and that's exactly what you wanted to do. You said another girl was in your room – our room. Now, either that's true and you lied when you said I was the first, or you –"

She cut off. Natsu's eyes blazed as he looked at her, but she couldn't place the emotion anymore.

"You don't get to say sorry," she growled. "You don't get that relief. You can go home knowing that you ruined this. You hurt me the worst way you could. Just like you wanted."

She didn't give him a chance to respond as she pushed him out the door.

"We're done. Now get out. And please, just - " She slammed the door shut as rested her head on the wood. "Leave me alone."

Her chest was so tight it hurt. The feelings she had for Natsu were scarily big – Far bigger than she had ever admitted to anyone, or herself. As she agonised over that, the pain in her chest became too much. Suddenly she realised that the pain wasn't her emotions, this was real. It was like she couldn't breathe. But suddenly, her side rivalled the pain. Lucy felt her form curl up, she bent over and was somewhat aware of someone knocking on the door.

Abruptly, it felt like something had literally popped excruciatingly in her stomach. Lucy suddenly felt a scalding heat rush all over her body and Lucy heard herself yelp before she dropped to the floor.

She didn't pass out right away, but she knew it was only a matter of time. She thought back to when she tried to kill herself – Lucy felt so sure and happy. Content. This was different. It certainly felt like she was dying but she didn't feel happy. She was frightened and it hurt.

Lucy could hear footsteps come and go on the floor, it was then she realised her cheek was pressed against it. She heard the panicked voice of Levy and then Gajeel. She would have sighed with relief when she heard Gildarts, but she couldn't find any breath in her lungs to do it.

Lucy felt firm hands pulling her up. She clung desperately to the sound of Natsu's voice before she fell unconscious. All she knew that when she did finally pass out she was ninety percent sure she was going to die, and she wasn't happy about it. No, this time she was very, very

Scared.