Notes: Wow! Second chapter is up so quickly. :P It's shorter, that's true, but I like it better. And the writing came along much easier. I got to thinking about it, and I guess they're in their 4th or 5th year in school. I mean, since Snape doesn't know about Lupin's condition yet. I've been re-thinking where I'm going with this, with the conclusion that I'll be writing about their relationship all the way past the end of Harry's fifth year. Should be fun. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's reviewed, and I hope you like this part too. :)
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Chapter 2
--
"Sure you're alright, Moony? Oy. OY! MOOOOONY!"
Sirius was howling very impressively indeed, but I wasn't really in the mood for playing around. Not that time.
"I dunno, he still looks awfully sick and pale. Don't suppose he caught something else from Snape, do you..." James chimed in, bending down to feel my forehead. I just grinned weakly, batting his arm away.
"Oh, I doubt it... I don't think Snape's condition is catching, lucky for old Moony here," Sirius replied, folding his arms and nodding sagely. Not liking where this was going, I started slowly getting to my feet.
"And Snape's condition is...?" James prompted, as I had known he would.
"That of being the world's biggest arsehole," Sirius snickered. Peter laughed so hard he fell over. But I continued walking slightly away from them until James spoke again.
"Hey... Remus? All joking aside, here... you're really okay?" He was concerned. They were all concerned. They were my friends. I knew that, and yet...
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little under the weather, I suppose. Look, I... I've really got a lot of homework to do, and... I better do it while I'm able. No distractions," I added with a smile, seeing Sirius about to protest. "See you guys in the common room tonight though?" They all agreed readily to that at least, and with another smile and wave, I turned to go, leaving them to their leaf war games, which at any other time I would have found highly amusing.
It was true that I had a lot of homework to do. And I would do it, after I'd found and talked to Severus, if at all possible. I had to at least tell him I was sorry before he never wanted anything else to do with me.
------
Finding him wasn't hard. Every time I had gone to the library on previous evenings, he was always there, sitting at a table in the farthest corner, large piles of books surrounding him, glaring at everyone who came within range so that no one else ever sat near him. Not that anyone would dare anyway, not with his reputation. Almost everyone knew this -- and if some unlucky soul by some chance didn't, they learned very quickly. I don't believe that he was quite so openly hostile to the other members of his own House, but it wasn't like they were a friendly lot as it was...
I clutched my books a little tighter to my chest as I made my way between tables, heading for his corner. Thankfully, the library was fairly empty at the moment. And he was there, just as I'd imagined: books in nearly tottering towers all around him, Severus himself hunched over his parchment, the sound of his quill scratching loudly in the near-silence. He looked utterly absorbed and completely normal. For Severus, at least. But he didn't look up when I came near. And he always did when someone invaded what he considered to be his rather large amount of personal space. Which could mean one of several things...
Reaching the table at last, I waited in front of him until I couldn't stand it anymore. "Severus...?"
No response.
"Um... Severus."
He paused to dip his quill into the inkwell, then resumed his scribbling. I sighed. So it wasn't that he truly hadn't noticed me. He was just ignoring me. I took a deep breath, then boldly dumped my books a couple spaces down the table, that being the nearest spot that wasn't covered with Severus' things. I then sat down and began doing my homework, while he continued to pretend I didn't exist.
This went on for the next two hours.
Finally finished, I stretched and yawned carelessly, sneaking a glance over at Severus, who was now looking through what seemed like dozens of sheets of parchment, ruffling from one to another with a very pensive expression, which caused tiny lines to appear between his eyebrows, and his lips to purse slightly in the most...
I realized that my staring habit really had to stop, and I cleared my throat maybe a bit too loudly. His head snapped up instantly.
"What the hell do you want, Lupin?"
Taken very much aback, all I did was stare. "It's not enough that you have to let your... friends ridicule me, is it? You also feel the need to come in here and distract me from an entire evening's worth of my studies. It's a game to you, maybe?"
I looked from his fists clenched on top of the stack of parchment to his face, paler than normal with his anger. I was still in shock, but I managed to gesture weakly at his papers. "But you... you wrote all that! How was I distracting you?"
With a growl, he shoved the pile toward me, and I picked it up, staring incredulously at what I saw. Each page was about halfway full of normal writing, but it was blotted horribly, many of the words written shakily and crossed out, and at the bottom of every page were scrawled a number of swearwords in very large letters. I looked back up at him, my mouth open. By that time he was practically seething with anger.
"No. It's not a game to me, Severus," I said quietly, handing his parchment back. He looked at it as though he would like nothing better than to rip it to pieces, then slammed it down on the table.
"What I don't get is why. Why do I let you get to me so much. Why do I let you. Even after what happened earlier, why do I let you? Mooning after a bloody Gryffindor... I... it's so much easier to block everything else out... but not you... Why?" By the end it almost seemed like he was talking to himself, and he dropped his head into his hands, rubbing at his temples as if trying to force out the answers. I had certainly never heard him volunteer so much of what was on his mind before. As far as I knew that was also the longest speech I'd ever heard him utter.
Very carefully, I stood up and moved in front of him again, clearing the area of books before sitting down to face him. "Listen, Severus..." I said, leaning in closer to his bent form. "I don't know why. I... don't exactly claim that I know why I can't stop thinking of you either, besides the reasons I gave you. All I really wanted to say for now... is I'm sorry about what happened. Because I am. If I could have prevented more of it from happening, you know I would have..." I trailed off as he looked up, his eyes piercing.
"Why?"
"You don't... you don't deserve to be treated that way. No one does." He continued eyeing me closely, which made me rather uncomfortable.
"But it doesn't matter," he said disdainfully. "Black and Potter hate me, and I loathe their goddamned bloody... guts. And that's not going to change anytime soon."
"They are my friends, Severus..." I reminded him gently.
"Doesn't mean I have to have them on my mind constantly as well," he sniffed.
"Well... fair enough. Just don't go too far with your descriptions of hatred for them," I replied, smiling weakly.
"Fine." His tone was rather gruff, yet all he did next was begin to levitate the books around him one by one back to their places on the library shelves. I sat silently, watching the way he flicked his wand almost lazily, making it seem so easy. I already knew he was a brilliant student, of course, but there was so much more I wanted to know about him. Things no one else knew...
Finally he was finished and all it seemed there was left to do was stare at each other's hands across the table. After a time I said, very quietly, "So you forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive you for," was his equally quiet reply. I reached out a hand toward his, but he pulled away before I could take it. "Please don't touch me," he mumbled, standing up and gathering his remaining things. "I have enough to think about without you touching me." And he turned to head for the doors, disappearing through them without looking back.
------
The next few weeks passed in a bit of a blur. Another full moon went by without major incident. Between classes and studying and homework and trying to get my mates to pay as much attention to these things as I was, my time was fairly full. I figured it was for the best to leave Severus to think about whatever he needed to. Truth to tell, I needed to think as well.
But he was always there in the corner of my eye, so to speak, and sometimes he would nod to me in class or let his eyes linger on me just a little too long. Fortunately he kept out of the way of James and Sirius, and so I was very grateful not to have to choose sides in any sort of fight. There were several pranks I didn't hear about beforehand and also didn't see the effects of, however. Then again, there were also a number of other nasty tricks played on James and Sirius, but Severus had become quite adept at pulling off whatever he had planned without being caught.
So life was continuing just like normal, except that it seemed I noticed him much more now. Like when he was sitting alone in the Great Hall at mealtimes, or striding down the hallways and managing to get people to part in front of him without saying a word, or crossing the grounds, his face pale above his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, thin strands of black hair blowing about in the breeze...
Well, it would be more accurate to say that I stared at those times. The main point is, each time I saw him this strange feeling hit my stomach, kind of a tickling sensation. Which gradually changed to feeling like I had a small animal gnawing on my insides. It was when these strange feelings moved to other parts of my anatomy that I started to get much more anxious about it.
One evening I had left my friends to their own devices (which unfortunately resulted in discovering later that all the toilets on the third floor were flooded because, mysteriously, they were all stuffed full of students' scarves). A few books on dangerous magical creatures were all I needed from the library for an essay I had to complete, and I didn't even realize that Severus was probably in the library as well. Until I saw his eyes peering at me from the other side of the shelf I was perusing.
Quite startled, I jumped. He arched one eyebrow questioningly. "Bit twitchy, aren't you?" he smirked.
"Severus! I just didn't... expect you to talk to me." It was impossible to keep from grinning in relief.
"Damn it, Lupin, I didn't expect you to talk to me."
"Ah..." was all I could say, unable to stop smiling at all. It just felt so good to hear his voice and have his attention all to myself... While I was busy being stupidly giddy, Severus rolled his eyes and headed around the shelf toward me. Seconds later he pushed me slightly aside with his shoulder and started looking at the books I had been searching through earlier.
"Hm... "Magical Creatures of the Night". Not something I'd expect you to be interested in..." He had his shoulder pressed against me still, and that was what distracted me for awhile. A long thin finger rested along the book's spine, and as he moved it to the next one to read it's title, I realized I really didn't want him looking at it.
"Oh come on, Sev, it's just for an essay. Er... can we talk?" As I spoke, I turned to put one hand on his arm, and the other against his back to gently push him down the aisle. This surprised him enough that he forgot all about the book. Which had happened to be titled "The Case Against Werewolves".
"If you insist," he grunted, allowing me to continue to propel him along. Too late I realized I was touching him, and various parts of my body began to spring into the actions I had so despaired of before. It made me wonder if I was just desperate. Surely not... I really liked him, but exactly how much...
There wasn't time to think anymore, as we had reached a desolate corner of the library, and I finally had to let go of him. He turned around and leaned against the shelf, arms folded, clearly waiting for me to begin. Now I actually had to come up with something.
"I like you," I blurted.
"Is that all? I came to that conclusion weeks ago."
"I... yeah... it's that obvious, huh?"
"Fairly."
"Right..." I sighed heavily. "Severus, can you be really honest with me right now? I just want a straight answer. Do you.. even like me back?"
"Mmm." He was watching me through narrowed eyes, eyes that would flick down to my mouth every now and then. It really wasn't helping.
"W... well?"
"I don't know."
"Severus... just don't do this. Please. Tell me, or else..."
"Or else...?" he repeated. Then licked his lips suggestively. My frustrated mind really couldn't take much more.
"Fine. You really are... just... ahhh." My mind had just about shut down completely. So I pushed him against the shelf with my body and kissed him.
Several minutes later we came up for air and I tried my best to fix him with what I hoped was a stern look. "Well?"
He looked amused. Not the effect I had intended. It took him awhile to reply, but it wasn't with an answer. "You're aware of how hard this will be to pull off."
I blinked. "Yes."
"You're aware this is going to be the biggest secret this school has ever contained."
"Well, I... wouldn't go so far as to say that, but yes... it's got to be a secret if we both want to keep our lives."
"I'm not afraid of Black and Potter," he snorted. "But being with you while they don't know... it's like I've got a secret advantage."
"Oh, come on. You don't have to bring your rivalry into it, do you? Is that what this is all about? Advantage?"
"Not totally."
"Severus..."
"Fine! Don't... Remus, don't do that."
"Er.. do what?"
"That motion with your leg. Do stop. This is the library."
Surely I was now a brilliant shade of red. "Um... sorry..."
"So this relationship is official then?"
"I..."
"An official secret, that is."
"Do you.. want it to be?"
"Maybe."
"Severus.. you really are frustrating."
"Thank you."
And he kissed me again, reaching his hands up behind my head while I pulled him away from the shelf slightly to run my hands down his back. Our bodies were pressed together a little too dangerously. And I could feel... everything. But I remembered what he had been doing to me all this time now, and I pulled away.
"Ah, Sev... better stop this.. it's the library, you know."
He growled at me. I blinked. "Oh, very well. I suppose it's only fair." Walking past me, he stopped just before he turned around a shelf. "My answer was yes, you know. I like you." And then he was gone, leaving me with another one of those incredibly stupid smiles on my face.
After that time was when things really started getting interesting.
------
Yay.. think I should put more than snogging in the story? Just curious. :P Hope you enjoyed.
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Chapter 2
--
"Sure you're alright, Moony? Oy. OY! MOOOOONY!"
Sirius was howling very impressively indeed, but I wasn't really in the mood for playing around. Not that time.
"I dunno, he still looks awfully sick and pale. Don't suppose he caught something else from Snape, do you..." James chimed in, bending down to feel my forehead. I just grinned weakly, batting his arm away.
"Oh, I doubt it... I don't think Snape's condition is catching, lucky for old Moony here," Sirius replied, folding his arms and nodding sagely. Not liking where this was going, I started slowly getting to my feet.
"And Snape's condition is...?" James prompted, as I had known he would.
"That of being the world's biggest arsehole," Sirius snickered. Peter laughed so hard he fell over. But I continued walking slightly away from them until James spoke again.
"Hey... Remus? All joking aside, here... you're really okay?" He was concerned. They were all concerned. They were my friends. I knew that, and yet...
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little under the weather, I suppose. Look, I... I've really got a lot of homework to do, and... I better do it while I'm able. No distractions," I added with a smile, seeing Sirius about to protest. "See you guys in the common room tonight though?" They all agreed readily to that at least, and with another smile and wave, I turned to go, leaving them to their leaf war games, which at any other time I would have found highly amusing.
It was true that I had a lot of homework to do. And I would do it, after I'd found and talked to Severus, if at all possible. I had to at least tell him I was sorry before he never wanted anything else to do with me.
------
Finding him wasn't hard. Every time I had gone to the library on previous evenings, he was always there, sitting at a table in the farthest corner, large piles of books surrounding him, glaring at everyone who came within range so that no one else ever sat near him. Not that anyone would dare anyway, not with his reputation. Almost everyone knew this -- and if some unlucky soul by some chance didn't, they learned very quickly. I don't believe that he was quite so openly hostile to the other members of his own House, but it wasn't like they were a friendly lot as it was...
I clutched my books a little tighter to my chest as I made my way between tables, heading for his corner. Thankfully, the library was fairly empty at the moment. And he was there, just as I'd imagined: books in nearly tottering towers all around him, Severus himself hunched over his parchment, the sound of his quill scratching loudly in the near-silence. He looked utterly absorbed and completely normal. For Severus, at least. But he didn't look up when I came near. And he always did when someone invaded what he considered to be his rather large amount of personal space. Which could mean one of several things...
Reaching the table at last, I waited in front of him until I couldn't stand it anymore. "Severus...?"
No response.
"Um... Severus."
He paused to dip his quill into the inkwell, then resumed his scribbling. I sighed. So it wasn't that he truly hadn't noticed me. He was just ignoring me. I took a deep breath, then boldly dumped my books a couple spaces down the table, that being the nearest spot that wasn't covered with Severus' things. I then sat down and began doing my homework, while he continued to pretend I didn't exist.
This went on for the next two hours.
Finally finished, I stretched and yawned carelessly, sneaking a glance over at Severus, who was now looking through what seemed like dozens of sheets of parchment, ruffling from one to another with a very pensive expression, which caused tiny lines to appear between his eyebrows, and his lips to purse slightly in the most...
I realized that my staring habit really had to stop, and I cleared my throat maybe a bit too loudly. His head snapped up instantly.
"What the hell do you want, Lupin?"
Taken very much aback, all I did was stare. "It's not enough that you have to let your... friends ridicule me, is it? You also feel the need to come in here and distract me from an entire evening's worth of my studies. It's a game to you, maybe?"
I looked from his fists clenched on top of the stack of parchment to his face, paler than normal with his anger. I was still in shock, but I managed to gesture weakly at his papers. "But you... you wrote all that! How was I distracting you?"
With a growl, he shoved the pile toward me, and I picked it up, staring incredulously at what I saw. Each page was about halfway full of normal writing, but it was blotted horribly, many of the words written shakily and crossed out, and at the bottom of every page were scrawled a number of swearwords in very large letters. I looked back up at him, my mouth open. By that time he was practically seething with anger.
"No. It's not a game to me, Severus," I said quietly, handing his parchment back. He looked at it as though he would like nothing better than to rip it to pieces, then slammed it down on the table.
"What I don't get is why. Why do I let you get to me so much. Why do I let you. Even after what happened earlier, why do I let you? Mooning after a bloody Gryffindor... I... it's so much easier to block everything else out... but not you... Why?" By the end it almost seemed like he was talking to himself, and he dropped his head into his hands, rubbing at his temples as if trying to force out the answers. I had certainly never heard him volunteer so much of what was on his mind before. As far as I knew that was also the longest speech I'd ever heard him utter.
Very carefully, I stood up and moved in front of him again, clearing the area of books before sitting down to face him. "Listen, Severus..." I said, leaning in closer to his bent form. "I don't know why. I... don't exactly claim that I know why I can't stop thinking of you either, besides the reasons I gave you. All I really wanted to say for now... is I'm sorry about what happened. Because I am. If I could have prevented more of it from happening, you know I would have..." I trailed off as he looked up, his eyes piercing.
"Why?"
"You don't... you don't deserve to be treated that way. No one does." He continued eyeing me closely, which made me rather uncomfortable.
"But it doesn't matter," he said disdainfully. "Black and Potter hate me, and I loathe their goddamned bloody... guts. And that's not going to change anytime soon."
"They are my friends, Severus..." I reminded him gently.
"Doesn't mean I have to have them on my mind constantly as well," he sniffed.
"Well... fair enough. Just don't go too far with your descriptions of hatred for them," I replied, smiling weakly.
"Fine." His tone was rather gruff, yet all he did next was begin to levitate the books around him one by one back to their places on the library shelves. I sat silently, watching the way he flicked his wand almost lazily, making it seem so easy. I already knew he was a brilliant student, of course, but there was so much more I wanted to know about him. Things no one else knew...
Finally he was finished and all it seemed there was left to do was stare at each other's hands across the table. After a time I said, very quietly, "So you forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive you for," was his equally quiet reply. I reached out a hand toward his, but he pulled away before I could take it. "Please don't touch me," he mumbled, standing up and gathering his remaining things. "I have enough to think about without you touching me." And he turned to head for the doors, disappearing through them without looking back.
------
The next few weeks passed in a bit of a blur. Another full moon went by without major incident. Between classes and studying and homework and trying to get my mates to pay as much attention to these things as I was, my time was fairly full. I figured it was for the best to leave Severus to think about whatever he needed to. Truth to tell, I needed to think as well.
But he was always there in the corner of my eye, so to speak, and sometimes he would nod to me in class or let his eyes linger on me just a little too long. Fortunately he kept out of the way of James and Sirius, and so I was very grateful not to have to choose sides in any sort of fight. There were several pranks I didn't hear about beforehand and also didn't see the effects of, however. Then again, there were also a number of other nasty tricks played on James and Sirius, but Severus had become quite adept at pulling off whatever he had planned without being caught.
So life was continuing just like normal, except that it seemed I noticed him much more now. Like when he was sitting alone in the Great Hall at mealtimes, or striding down the hallways and managing to get people to part in front of him without saying a word, or crossing the grounds, his face pale above his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, thin strands of black hair blowing about in the breeze...
Well, it would be more accurate to say that I stared at those times. The main point is, each time I saw him this strange feeling hit my stomach, kind of a tickling sensation. Which gradually changed to feeling like I had a small animal gnawing on my insides. It was when these strange feelings moved to other parts of my anatomy that I started to get much more anxious about it.
One evening I had left my friends to their own devices (which unfortunately resulted in discovering later that all the toilets on the third floor were flooded because, mysteriously, they were all stuffed full of students' scarves). A few books on dangerous magical creatures were all I needed from the library for an essay I had to complete, and I didn't even realize that Severus was probably in the library as well. Until I saw his eyes peering at me from the other side of the shelf I was perusing.
Quite startled, I jumped. He arched one eyebrow questioningly. "Bit twitchy, aren't you?" he smirked.
"Severus! I just didn't... expect you to talk to me." It was impossible to keep from grinning in relief.
"Damn it, Lupin, I didn't expect you to talk to me."
"Ah..." was all I could say, unable to stop smiling at all. It just felt so good to hear his voice and have his attention all to myself... While I was busy being stupidly giddy, Severus rolled his eyes and headed around the shelf toward me. Seconds later he pushed me slightly aside with his shoulder and started looking at the books I had been searching through earlier.
"Hm... "Magical Creatures of the Night". Not something I'd expect you to be interested in..." He had his shoulder pressed against me still, and that was what distracted me for awhile. A long thin finger rested along the book's spine, and as he moved it to the next one to read it's title, I realized I really didn't want him looking at it.
"Oh come on, Sev, it's just for an essay. Er... can we talk?" As I spoke, I turned to put one hand on his arm, and the other against his back to gently push him down the aisle. This surprised him enough that he forgot all about the book. Which had happened to be titled "The Case Against Werewolves".
"If you insist," he grunted, allowing me to continue to propel him along. Too late I realized I was touching him, and various parts of my body began to spring into the actions I had so despaired of before. It made me wonder if I was just desperate. Surely not... I really liked him, but exactly how much...
There wasn't time to think anymore, as we had reached a desolate corner of the library, and I finally had to let go of him. He turned around and leaned against the shelf, arms folded, clearly waiting for me to begin. Now I actually had to come up with something.
"I like you," I blurted.
"Is that all? I came to that conclusion weeks ago."
"I... yeah... it's that obvious, huh?"
"Fairly."
"Right..." I sighed heavily. "Severus, can you be really honest with me right now? I just want a straight answer. Do you.. even like me back?"
"Mmm." He was watching me through narrowed eyes, eyes that would flick down to my mouth every now and then. It really wasn't helping.
"W... well?"
"I don't know."
"Severus... just don't do this. Please. Tell me, or else..."
"Or else...?" he repeated. Then licked his lips suggestively. My frustrated mind really couldn't take much more.
"Fine. You really are... just... ahhh." My mind had just about shut down completely. So I pushed him against the shelf with my body and kissed him.
Several minutes later we came up for air and I tried my best to fix him with what I hoped was a stern look. "Well?"
He looked amused. Not the effect I had intended. It took him awhile to reply, but it wasn't with an answer. "You're aware of how hard this will be to pull off."
I blinked. "Yes."
"You're aware this is going to be the biggest secret this school has ever contained."
"Well, I... wouldn't go so far as to say that, but yes... it's got to be a secret if we both want to keep our lives."
"I'm not afraid of Black and Potter," he snorted. "But being with you while they don't know... it's like I've got a secret advantage."
"Oh, come on. You don't have to bring your rivalry into it, do you? Is that what this is all about? Advantage?"
"Not totally."
"Severus..."
"Fine! Don't... Remus, don't do that."
"Er.. do what?"
"That motion with your leg. Do stop. This is the library."
Surely I was now a brilliant shade of red. "Um... sorry..."
"So this relationship is official then?"
"I..."
"An official secret, that is."
"Do you.. want it to be?"
"Maybe."
"Severus.. you really are frustrating."
"Thank you."
And he kissed me again, reaching his hands up behind my head while I pulled him away from the shelf slightly to run my hands down his back. Our bodies were pressed together a little too dangerously. And I could feel... everything. But I remembered what he had been doing to me all this time now, and I pulled away.
"Ah, Sev... better stop this.. it's the library, you know."
He growled at me. I blinked. "Oh, very well. I suppose it's only fair." Walking past me, he stopped just before he turned around a shelf. "My answer was yes, you know. I like you." And then he was gone, leaving me with another one of those incredibly stupid smiles on my face.
After that time was when things really started getting interesting.
------
Yay.. think I should put more than snogging in the story? Just curious. :P Hope you enjoyed.