Notes: Hello and thanks again for the reviews. XD Let me assure some of you that, although I do plan on taking them apart (it's necessary), I will be putting them back together again in the end. How could I not?! They're damned cute together. :P That being said, this chapter deals with Christmas. I know it's a little too early for Christmas, but it's fun anyway. Enjoy!
Also, PippinsMyHobbit: Please PLEASE say you have a scanner, and that you'll scan the picture you drew. PLEEEEAAASE.
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Fallen Leaves - Chapter 5
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The next full moon passed with no interference from Severus, true to his word. Although it was also true that he wouldn't know the time to be significant... He was incredibly smart, and I wondered exactly how long it would take him to figure it all out. I would tell him before that, I was certain.
All of this fled my mind as another week, Christmas holidays rapidly approaching. Severus had grown increasingly sullen during this time, although if it was because of the season or just because he hated his detentions with Sirius so much, I was sure. Probably both.
"Hey." He looked up briefly from his book, muttered a hello, then resumed reading. The library was deserted; this close to vacation everyone had much better things to do than spend their time surrounded by books. "Can I... er... can I sit down?" I asked hesitantly, unsure from his attitude whether or not he would welcome my company. All he did was shrug and flip a page over, so I sat nervously, moving my chair closer to him along the table.
"Something wrong?"
"No."
"What are you in here reading for? You could go out and--"
"No."
I sighed, then snatched the book out of his hands and shoved it away down the table. "Don't be stupid. Give me that," he demanded, his eyes cold as he stared at me.
"No," I replied, mimicking his lower tone before switching back to normal. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"Ah... yes. Why would something be wrong? I'm always here in the library, you know that."
"Not always," I said lightly, taking his hand. He stiffened, but didn't pull away. "You've been tetchy lately. Beyond normal, I mean. Is it the detentions? Sirius?"
"Prat."
"Mm. What else then? Don't you like..." My words trailed away at the look on his face, and he jerked his hand away.
"No, I don't like Christmas. I don't like the hideous decorations, I don't like the disgusting displays of affection, I don't like 'good cheer' in general. I hate it all. Might as well be named after the character from that Muggle Christmas story... what was it..."
"Um... Ebenezer Scrooge, isn't it..."
"Exactly. So, does that answer make you happy and satisfy you as to 'what's wrong' as you're always so fond of asking?" Apparently finished with his little tirade, he leaned his elbows against the table and began rubbing his forehead as though he had suddenly developed a headache. I reached out tentatively to rub my hand down his back.
"Well, it helps me to understand your bad mood a little better... but no, it doesn't make me happy. Severus, why don't you like it? What about going home over the holidays, aren't you looking forward to--"
He stood up suddenly, knocking his chair over in his haste to do so. "I have to go, Lupin. See you later."
"Severus, wait..." But he was already out of sight, and I slumped back in my chair, wondering exactly what I had said wrong that time.
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"Christmas holidays!" Sirius announced brightly to the room in general the next morning at breakfast. There was only a few days left, and the beautifully decorated Great Hall was noisier than normal with excited students. "'Sgoing to be smashing. Right, Moony?"
"Hm?" I had been staring distractedly over at the Slytherin table, hoping to catch just a glimpse of Severus. "Oh. Well, yes! Of course, it's Christmas, after all," I smiled at Sirius.
"What're you doing this year anyway?" James asked from his seat next to him. "With your family and all that, I mean."
"I imagine just..." At that moment the mail arrived with the flutter of feathers, and we were all distracted momentarily as we watched the owls swoop overhead. A small barn owl fluttered overhead briefly before dropping it's letter on me.
"Christmas card for Moony," Sirius laughed as it slipped off my head and landed partially in my pancake syrup.
"Hmm..." I picked it up and dabbed at it with my napkin, examining the return address. "Ah, it's from my parents. I wonder...." Ripping the envelope open quickly, I scanned the letter over and was sure my face fell. "Oh. Seems Dad won some sort of trip to Bermuda over Christmas, and they're going. Two person trip. Heh. Ah well, they do deserve something nice like this. Seems I'll be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas," I concluded with a smile, actually quite happy for my parents. My mother was a witch, but my father a Muggle. We weren't exactly a rich family, and I definitely didn't hold this against them.
"No, Moony!" Sirius cried. "I'd make it so you could come home with me. Although... you know... the illustrious Black family..." he snorted in disgust. I knew he wasn't particularly fond of much of his family.
"Or me," James pitched in. "Mum and Dad wouldn't mind, I'll bet."
"Well..." My brain was working frantically. Could I really stay at school? Was Severus even going home for the holidays? Maybe he wasn't, and that was why he was so upset. "We'll see. Maybe I'll just stay here."
They all looked at me like I was crazy. At the moment I didn't care.
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The next full moon would occur after classes resumed next year, I was very careful to be sure of that first. The next thing I had to do was find Severus again and try to get more information out of him. I didn't see him in the library again until the night before the last day of classes. He had managed to slip away from me any other time I had tried to corner him.
"Severus!" He grunted something unintelligible, and I took that as a sign that I could sit down. "What are you doing for Christmas?" I blurted out before he could try to escape. He lazily lifted his eyes to me, and I noticed with a start how bleary they were.
"I don't know."
"Er... are you going home?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"I just don't yet," he snapped irritably.
"Fine, fine. I'm sorry. It's just that... I could possibly stay here if you are. Think how much time we could spend together! And... Severus, what's wrong with your eyes?"
"Nothing. And why wouldn't you choose to go home or stay with your... friends instead?"
I explained the situation to him while continuing to stare at his bloodshot eyes. Something was wrong, but he obviously wasn't going to tell me. "So you see... wouldn't it be great? When will you know what you're doing?"
"I don't know."
Couldn't you be a little more helpful here?" I sighed.
"No."
"Oh alright. Hopefully you can tell me before it's too late." He grunted at me again and returned to his book. I just left him to it, vowing to myself that I would cheer him up somehow if all this worked out.
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The morning everyone was due to leave arrived, and I still didn't know what Severus was doing. In any case I had made up my mind to stay. I saw my friends off, laughing at their jokes and assuring them that I wouldn't be too lonely, and no, I really wouldn't open the presents they had given me until Christmas Day three days from now. My heart feeling a little heavier after they had departed, I turned to shuffle back down the hallway.
I wanted to be with them. And I wanted to be with Severus. What was the right choice? Was there one?
Lost in these thoughts, I almost ran straight into the Headmaster coming around the corner. He reached out a steady arm to catch me as I stumbled forward in surprise. Unable to do anything but blink for a moment, I finally looked up at him and smiled at his kindly expression.
The man in front of me held a great amount of my respect, and not just as a result of his allowing me to attend this school when most others wouldn't hear of such a thing. He also just had a very likeable personality, and if there was anyone you needed to talk to about anything at all without fear of censure, your best choice would be Albus Dumbledore. A more fair and kind wizard surely didn't exist.
"Remus," he smiled down at me, his eyes twinkling like normal from behind his glasses. "I thought you might be interested in knowing that something very unusual has occurred. It seems that the only students remaining at Hogwart's over the holidays are yourself and young Mr. Snape. Typically there is a slightly larger number of students who remain behind, but not this year. Most curious, really."
"Ah... he's staying then? I asked eagerly, then bit my lip in frustration. Surely Dumbledore didn't...
"Yes, he received a letter this morning saying that he may. I also should tell you it is a remarkable thing to see a young person put himself out for someone who does not have much to be happy about at one of the happiest times of the year." Dumbledore's smile continued to be knowing and yet at the same time unassuming, and I swallowed hard, hoping that the warmth I could feel spreading across my face was imperceptible.
"I... er... thank... thank you, sir," I managed to croak out.
"There is no need to be embarrassed, Remus," he said, patting my shoulder gently. "I believe inter-House relationships to be highly commendable. Happy Christmas."
"H... H... Happy... Christmas." I watched him pass by and continue down the hall, wondering how he did it. Of course, not much slipped by under the Headmaster's nose... But the fact that he knew, despite how much of a secret it was...
I felt a sudden need to sit down.
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Not long after, as I neared Gryffindor Tower, I heard footsteps again, and slowed to a stop so I wouldn't abruptly run into anyone else. But these footsteps were slow and hesitant, pausing every now and then as though whoever it was wasn't quite sure of their way. I cautiously poked my head around the corner, and there was Severus. With one hand to his head, his hair in disarray, and his bloodshot eyes rolling around in confusion, he either looked drunk or... exhausted? Frowning, I hurried over to him and held onto his free arm.
"Severus, what's wrong with you? Are you hurt?" He jerked slightly as though he had just realized I was there, eyes barely able to focus on me as I bent my face into his line of sight.
"Remus," he said slowly, "I'm tired. Was looking for you." He was really out of it, his words slurred while his body swayed slightly.
"Severus, how long has it been since you slept?"
"Two days. Or... or three. I forgot. I'm tired, Remus."
"Merlin... why... oh, you can tell me later. Come on, you can come up to the tower with me. No one else is there. We have the place all to ourselves you know--"
"No! I'm not... not going up to that stupid... stupid Gryff..." He swayed backward dangerously, but I went around behind him and caught him in my arms, astonished at how light he felt.
"You're in no shape to argue with me," I said firmly, moving beside him but keeping my arm tight around my waist. "Come on now." I led him along, ignoring his half-hearted protests, through the Fat Lady's portrait, the common room, and up the spiral stairs, where he nearly fell twice.
"Here." I took him to the edge of my bed and pressed him down onto it. He sat looking at me blearily.
"Bloody hell."
"Er... what?"
"I'm in Gryffindor Tower," he groaned. More alert now, he stared at the other three beds suspiciously as though Sirius, James, and Peter would crawl out from under them any minute. I laughed at him.
"Oh, it's alright. They're gone. Everyone's gone. Just don't worry about it."
"Easy for you to say," he grumbled.
"Heh. You... you can lay down there, it's alright." Suggesting he lay on my bed made me feel incredibly nervous for some reason, be he just shrugged and did so, his eyes half closing as his head rested on my pillow. Then he yawned tremendously, and that seemed to calm my nerves somewhat. "Imagine you'll want to sleep..."
"Imagine so." His voice was very quiet; I went around the bed and sat on the edge of the other side to hear him better.
"Why, Severus...?" I asked, looking at him with concern as he turned his head toward me. "Have you been unwell? You can tell me, I won't..." I stopped talking as he shook his head slightly.
"I really... didn't want to go home. That's all."
"And you were worried that you would have to? That's why you didn't sleep?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
He shook his head again. "Secrets. Too many secrets. I have mine, you have yours. Even."
"I... alright." I just couldn't reason with that, and at the moment I really wanted him to rest. But still, what could have him so worried about going home that he wouldn't sleep for two or three days? "You can just go to sleep. We'll talk later."
"Wait." Rummaging around in the pockets of his robes, he came up with a tiny corked vial of liquid. "Need to drink this first."
"What is that?" I demanded, holding him arm back as he moved to open it. He shot me as baleful a look as he could manage with his weary eyes.
"Draught of Living Death."
"Draught of Living... Severus, where did you get that?"
"Made it. Let go, damn it."
"You... you made it? It's an extremely advanced potion, how could you..." In my surprise I had let go of him, and he swallowed the bottle's contents hastily.
"Well, I'm an extremely advanced person. Comes in handy, this does." I wanted to ask him more, but he held up a hand to stop me. "It's enough to put me to sleep for twenty-four hours. I won't be able to wake up for any reason before then, just so you know."
"Alright... but why do you need it now?"
"Was going to use it before anyway. But need it more now. I'm in Gryffindor Tower. Gryffindor's bed. Not... sleep... stupid." The potion was clearly taking effect, and his eyes had closed fully.
"Oh, right. When has the fact that I'm a Gryffindor ever stopped you from wanting to be around me?" I teased.
"Friend."
"W... what?"
"Friend. You are. Only real friend. Remus. Imbecile."
I grinned, very touched by this confession. "Ahhh... Severus..." was all I could say as I ran my fingers gently through his hair. He had a very small smile on his face and I was certain he was asleep until he opened one slightly.
"Don't take advantage of me now." And with that warning he finally was asleep, the way he soon began snoring lightly making that very evident. I chuckled, watching his face, more relaxed than I had ever seen it before.
"I wouldn't," I told him, even though he couldn't hear me.
The first few hours were alright. I tried reading a book and just relaxing, but every few sentences I remembered Severus was in the room and I had to look at him, so I eventually gave up. After that I just lay beside him, "to keep him company", I told myself. By that time his snores had greatly increased in volume, and it gave me great amusement to just watch him and grin without fear of him taking offense. It did make me wonder how his roommates managed to get any sleep at all. Not that I would ever ask him.
Lunch, a rather strange affair involving only myself, Dumbledore, and a few other professors, came and went, then it was back to Severus, who of course had not moved at all. I stared at him again for a long time. I attempted to read to him. I placed my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Finally I just stretched out next to him again, sighing.
"Well, Sev. Didn't exactly think our first day together would be so exciting, did you?" Turning my head as if to wait for his reply, I noticed his face was a bit shiny with sweat. I leaned over him, frowning. "Are you hot? Hm. Like asking you will help. I wonder..." It was very warm in the room, and he was still dressed in heavy robes, while I was in short sleeves.
Now, the idea of taking off Severus' clothes was appealing. It would be lying to say otherwise. But I wasn't sure if it would qualify in his way of thinking as "taking advantage" or not. He moaned softly, his brow wrinkling in distress, whether from dreams or the heat, I couldn't know.
"That's it. I'll at least get those robes off you. Maybe your shirt." I leaned back and stared. "Easier said than done."
Removing the robes actually wasn't that hard. All I needed to do was unclasp the front and pull the voluminous sleeves down over his arms. His head rolled around oddly during this process, and it wasn't exactly dignified-looking, but at least he wasn't able to protest. I eyed the black sweater he was wearing underneath and shook my head.
"I don't know, Sev. It's a bit much." But another glance at his pallid, sweating face decided me. I pulled his right arm straight out to the side --finding something very amusing about doing so, for some reason-- and slid his arm out of the sleeve. Or tried to. Then I tried to bend his arm and pull it out. Giving that up, I attempted to do the same with the other arm. I realized just maybe I should have put his arms over his head and pulled it off that way. Before I tore the fabric, would have been the idea.
"Shit," I whispered hopelessly.
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"Bloody hell."
"Er... what?"
"I'm in Gryffindor Tower."
"I think that was established already, yeah."
"Agghh... where's that bloody light coming from?"
"Windows. Some people have them in their rooms. And sometimes they open the curtains and this thing called 'sunlight' comes in."
"Very funny. Get off me."
"No..." I yawned, nestling closer to Severus and keeping my arm around him tightly. I had been counting on him to wake up and not feel too angry at finding me there, because I hadn't been quite able to get myself to sleep on one of the other beds as long as he was in the room. When I sneaked a look at him, he only looked a little disapproving, so I took that as an encouragement.
"Remus... really. Let go."
"Nah."
"Lupin!"
"I can't... please Sev, don't make me."
"Lupin, I've just slept twenty-four hours and I have to piss. Would you Get off."
"Ah! S-sorry..." I scrambled away to show him to the bathroom, certain I was blushing to the roots of my hair as I stood outside waiting for him to finish.
"What the hell am I wearing?" I heard him rant soon enough, and I smiled as he came out to glare at me. "This is not my sweater."
"Yes, well... er... you were sweating, so I took off your robes and sweater. Er... sorta ripped it along the way. So I... well, what you're wearing now is your Christmas present. You seemed cold later. By that time I had worked out exactly how to do it. And... sorry about your sweater," I concluded, now totally embarrassed.
"The house elves can mend it anyway," he said, waving a hand dismissively. He was studying the sweater I had given him intently. It was a very deep shade of green, which I had already known would suit him. It had cost a deal of money, but I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him in it once I had seen it. "Christmas present...?"
'Yes... do you like it?"
"It's not black."
"Severus, all you wear is black. Live a little." I grinned again. "It's a Slytherin color anyway. And you look well in it. So?"
"I... of course I like it. Thank you." If he thought a scowl could hide the flush that had arisen on his face, he was sorely mistaken. Delighted, I took his hand and pulled him back to the room, where I was able to coax him to lay down again so that I could curl up and rest with my head against his stomach.
"Liked seeing me half-naked, did you?" he asked presently, one eyebrow arched while I laughed nervously.
"A... ah... Severus, I... wasn't trying to take advantage of you, you know that. And you're awfully skinny, you should eat more," I added, hoping to change the subject. The memory of his thin, pale body tugged at me though; I knew I was skinny myself, but Severus was nearly skeletal.
"I eat enough," he shrugged. I let the topic die there and just rested in silence, my hand on his chest, feeling it through the sweater's soft material as his long fingers idly stroked through my hair.
"Do you really hate Christmas that much?" I found myself asking him, a bit surprised at my own daring. He mused on that awhile, his eyes fixed overhead on something only he could see.
"Not really. It's an inconvenience, mostly."
"How is it an inconvenience? I didn't see you at the Yule Ball, for example. You certainly didn't let that inconvenience you." His derisive snort caused me to look up in time to see the sharp glance he cast at me.
"Idiocy. I suppose I knew you would like such things. Bet you even had a bloody date and everything."
"Well, I did go. But I didn't have a date," I replied, amused.
"What about that bast... Black. He's always so damned protective of you. And annoying. I thought maybe..." I laughed outright at that, while Severus looked highly affronted. "What?"
"Oh, Severus. Don't be jealous. Sirius likes girls. He likes girls a lot. You don't hear him at night, talking about which one he's taken to fancying each week and describing their attributes in... detail."
"Thank Merlin for the little things," he muttered, rolling his eyes. I laughed again.
"Besides, he thinks of me like his little brother. He told me so. Well, a better little brother," I added upon reflection, knowing how he liked to complain about Regulus. "That's why he tries to take good care of me. Besides being my friend, anyway."
"Bloody annoying, self-righteous, conceited bastard, irritating--" Paying no mind to his mumbled oaths against Sirius, I crawled over and stretched out on top of him, silencing his words with a firm kiss.
"Sev, behave yourself. It's Christmas."
"Damn Christmas, damn Black, and damn you," he growled.
"You're so endearing. Exactly why I like you so much." I smirked down at him before kissing him a second time, allowing his tongue to steal into my mouth while I pressed my body closer against his. When I broke away and looked at him again, I was pleased with his pacified expression.
"Now. You don't hate Christmas, really. You got your present from me already. It's fair I have mine, isn't it?" I was only trying to tease him, but if it turned out he didn't have a present for me, I was going to be very embarrassed very soon.
"I... yes, it's fair. We'll have to go to my room though." He was the one looking embarrassed, so I gave him another small kiss, then smiled.
"Great. Lead the way." Climbing off him with reluctance, I followed him out, glad now that I hadn't bothered to change into nightclothes the evening before.
The walk down to the dungeons was slow and involved Severus looking all around cautiously as though we were about to be caught doing something we shouldn't. I just trailed along after him, amused with his need to be dramatic, and didn't complain when he told me to put my fingers in my ears while he said the Slytherin common room password, and a section of the wall slid aside so we could enter.
I continued following Severus down to his dorm room, not impressed with the cold atmosphere. On the other hand, he seemed far more relaxed than normal, and didn't mind pointing out things and telling me about them. We were standing and talking this way beside his bed when something in the corner of my eye caught at my attention. It was on the nightstand, small and bright red. Suddenly curious, I turned toward it.
"Severus, what's--"
He quickly moved to snatch at it, but I was quicker. What I found myself holding on my palm was a red autumn leaf, perfectly preserved, not brittle but soft to the touch. "Severus, you..." I looked up at his reddening face. "This is a leaf from that day, isn't it? You saved it. You put a charm on it so it wouldn't break apart. I can't believe it." My voice was soft with wonder, and I continued to stare up at him while he struggled to speak.
"Is it really so hard?" he asked quietly, eyes averted. "So hard for you to believe I could ever be sentimental in any way?"
"No! It's... touching. You seem more human now."
"Oh, shut up."
"No, Sev, really..." I said, hugging him. "It's sweet to think you would do such a thing."
"Thank you." He sighed. "This is getting disgusting. Here." Pushing me away, he bent to open the nightstand drawer, then turned and hastily shoved two leather-bound books into my hands. "Er... Happy... Christmas."
I put the leaf back, then turned the books over in my hands, one black and the other dark red, otherwise identical. Both also completely blank and unlined. "What do--"
"What do they do, you ask now. Heh."
"No, it's just--"
"Yes, I know. Here. This one's mine, really." He took the black book from me, and quickly rummaged a quill and ink bottle from the drawer. "Open yours," he said, hand poised over his own open book. I did so, and as Severus began to write, I saw the word "Remus" appear in his small, spidery writing on the first page.
"Wow," I breathed, impressed. "Let me try." Taking the quill, I wrote "Severus" in my book, then looked in his to see it also appear there in my same rounded letters. "Incredible. Sev, you know how great this is, don't you?"
"Of course I do. It's my own charm."
"Brilliant. These will come in handy, I'm sure. Thanks," I said, my broad smile refusing to disappear.
"And I... here." He shoved something else at me while looking as though he had just handed over poison; I blinked rapidly in surprise.
"Chocolate. Oh, dear... Severus... you've just outdone yourself!" Dropping everything, I pounced on him, causing him to fall backward on his bed, where he lay dazed as I kissed him rather sloppily.
"Remus... get ahold of yourself, it's only chocolate... augh... gerroff, you prat! Not my ear!"
But I didn't listen, and his protests died away soon enough. We ended up laughing together, and somehow I wished it would never end.
------
The rest of our holiday sped by, and it was truly a wonderful time. We walked together through the snow that drifted over the grounds, played countless games of Wizard's Chess, and Severus even let me read to him while he was awake, which, although he wouldn't exactly admit to it, I know he enjoyed very much. I watched him as he relaxed and began to talk to me more, comfortable with just the two of us, and we did talk for hours into the night on just about every subject we could think of.
I knew even then that in the future I would always look back and treasure this time as being among the best I spent with him. Because when our relationship ran into difficulties, as it doubtless would, these memories would be no small comfort.
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Aww. Sorry I made them too cute again. :P It's gonna be two or three weeks until the next chapter is ready (I have a research paper to do), so I'll apologize in advance. BUT, I'm thinking of keeping their "journals" over on LiveJournal to tide me over; if anyone would like to read them when I start (which could be soon), just send me an email (which you can hopefully find from my user page, and if not you can find it from my DA account on the website link) and I'll set you up with the address. No charge. :P
Also, PippinsMyHobbit: Please PLEASE say you have a scanner, and that you'll scan the picture you drew. PLEEEEAAASE.
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Fallen Leaves - Chapter 5
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The next full moon passed with no interference from Severus, true to his word. Although it was also true that he wouldn't know the time to be significant... He was incredibly smart, and I wondered exactly how long it would take him to figure it all out. I would tell him before that, I was certain.
All of this fled my mind as another week, Christmas holidays rapidly approaching. Severus had grown increasingly sullen during this time, although if it was because of the season or just because he hated his detentions with Sirius so much, I was sure. Probably both.
"Hey." He looked up briefly from his book, muttered a hello, then resumed reading. The library was deserted; this close to vacation everyone had much better things to do than spend their time surrounded by books. "Can I... er... can I sit down?" I asked hesitantly, unsure from his attitude whether or not he would welcome my company. All he did was shrug and flip a page over, so I sat nervously, moving my chair closer to him along the table.
"Something wrong?"
"No."
"What are you in here reading for? You could go out and--"
"No."
I sighed, then snatched the book out of his hands and shoved it away down the table. "Don't be stupid. Give me that," he demanded, his eyes cold as he stared at me.
"No," I replied, mimicking his lower tone before switching back to normal. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"Ah... yes. Why would something be wrong? I'm always here in the library, you know that."
"Not always," I said lightly, taking his hand. He stiffened, but didn't pull away. "You've been tetchy lately. Beyond normal, I mean. Is it the detentions? Sirius?"
"Prat."
"Mm. What else then? Don't you like..." My words trailed away at the look on his face, and he jerked his hand away.
"No, I don't like Christmas. I don't like the hideous decorations, I don't like the disgusting displays of affection, I don't like 'good cheer' in general. I hate it all. Might as well be named after the character from that Muggle Christmas story... what was it..."
"Um... Ebenezer Scrooge, isn't it..."
"Exactly. So, does that answer make you happy and satisfy you as to 'what's wrong' as you're always so fond of asking?" Apparently finished with his little tirade, he leaned his elbows against the table and began rubbing his forehead as though he had suddenly developed a headache. I reached out tentatively to rub my hand down his back.
"Well, it helps me to understand your bad mood a little better... but no, it doesn't make me happy. Severus, why don't you like it? What about going home over the holidays, aren't you looking forward to--"
He stood up suddenly, knocking his chair over in his haste to do so. "I have to go, Lupin. See you later."
"Severus, wait..." But he was already out of sight, and I slumped back in my chair, wondering exactly what I had said wrong that time.
------
"Christmas holidays!" Sirius announced brightly to the room in general the next morning at breakfast. There was only a few days left, and the beautifully decorated Great Hall was noisier than normal with excited students. "'Sgoing to be smashing. Right, Moony?"
"Hm?" I had been staring distractedly over at the Slytherin table, hoping to catch just a glimpse of Severus. "Oh. Well, yes! Of course, it's Christmas, after all," I smiled at Sirius.
"What're you doing this year anyway?" James asked from his seat next to him. "With your family and all that, I mean."
"I imagine just..." At that moment the mail arrived with the flutter of feathers, and we were all distracted momentarily as we watched the owls swoop overhead. A small barn owl fluttered overhead briefly before dropping it's letter on me.
"Christmas card for Moony," Sirius laughed as it slipped off my head and landed partially in my pancake syrup.
"Hmm..." I picked it up and dabbed at it with my napkin, examining the return address. "Ah, it's from my parents. I wonder...." Ripping the envelope open quickly, I scanned the letter over and was sure my face fell. "Oh. Seems Dad won some sort of trip to Bermuda over Christmas, and they're going. Two person trip. Heh. Ah well, they do deserve something nice like this. Seems I'll be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas," I concluded with a smile, actually quite happy for my parents. My mother was a witch, but my father a Muggle. We weren't exactly a rich family, and I definitely didn't hold this against them.
"No, Moony!" Sirius cried. "I'd make it so you could come home with me. Although... you know... the illustrious Black family..." he snorted in disgust. I knew he wasn't particularly fond of much of his family.
"Or me," James pitched in. "Mum and Dad wouldn't mind, I'll bet."
"Well..." My brain was working frantically. Could I really stay at school? Was Severus even going home for the holidays? Maybe he wasn't, and that was why he was so upset. "We'll see. Maybe I'll just stay here."
They all looked at me like I was crazy. At the moment I didn't care.
------
The next full moon would occur after classes resumed next year, I was very careful to be sure of that first. The next thing I had to do was find Severus again and try to get more information out of him. I didn't see him in the library again until the night before the last day of classes. He had managed to slip away from me any other time I had tried to corner him.
"Severus!" He grunted something unintelligible, and I took that as a sign that I could sit down. "What are you doing for Christmas?" I blurted out before he could try to escape. He lazily lifted his eyes to me, and I noticed with a start how bleary they were.
"I don't know."
"Er... are you going home?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"I just don't yet," he snapped irritably.
"Fine, fine. I'm sorry. It's just that... I could possibly stay here if you are. Think how much time we could spend together! And... Severus, what's wrong with your eyes?"
"Nothing. And why wouldn't you choose to go home or stay with your... friends instead?"
I explained the situation to him while continuing to stare at his bloodshot eyes. Something was wrong, but he obviously wasn't going to tell me. "So you see... wouldn't it be great? When will you know what you're doing?"
"I don't know."
Couldn't you be a little more helpful here?" I sighed.
"No."
"Oh alright. Hopefully you can tell me before it's too late." He grunted at me again and returned to his book. I just left him to it, vowing to myself that I would cheer him up somehow if all this worked out.
------
The morning everyone was due to leave arrived, and I still didn't know what Severus was doing. In any case I had made up my mind to stay. I saw my friends off, laughing at their jokes and assuring them that I wouldn't be too lonely, and no, I really wouldn't open the presents they had given me until Christmas Day three days from now. My heart feeling a little heavier after they had departed, I turned to shuffle back down the hallway.
I wanted to be with them. And I wanted to be with Severus. What was the right choice? Was there one?
Lost in these thoughts, I almost ran straight into the Headmaster coming around the corner. He reached out a steady arm to catch me as I stumbled forward in surprise. Unable to do anything but blink for a moment, I finally looked up at him and smiled at his kindly expression.
The man in front of me held a great amount of my respect, and not just as a result of his allowing me to attend this school when most others wouldn't hear of such a thing. He also just had a very likeable personality, and if there was anyone you needed to talk to about anything at all without fear of censure, your best choice would be Albus Dumbledore. A more fair and kind wizard surely didn't exist.
"Remus," he smiled down at me, his eyes twinkling like normal from behind his glasses. "I thought you might be interested in knowing that something very unusual has occurred. It seems that the only students remaining at Hogwart's over the holidays are yourself and young Mr. Snape. Typically there is a slightly larger number of students who remain behind, but not this year. Most curious, really."
"Ah... he's staying then? I asked eagerly, then bit my lip in frustration. Surely Dumbledore didn't...
"Yes, he received a letter this morning saying that he may. I also should tell you it is a remarkable thing to see a young person put himself out for someone who does not have much to be happy about at one of the happiest times of the year." Dumbledore's smile continued to be knowing and yet at the same time unassuming, and I swallowed hard, hoping that the warmth I could feel spreading across my face was imperceptible.
"I... er... thank... thank you, sir," I managed to croak out.
"There is no need to be embarrassed, Remus," he said, patting my shoulder gently. "I believe inter-House relationships to be highly commendable. Happy Christmas."
"H... H... Happy... Christmas." I watched him pass by and continue down the hall, wondering how he did it. Of course, not much slipped by under the Headmaster's nose... But the fact that he knew, despite how much of a secret it was...
I felt a sudden need to sit down.
------
Not long after, as I neared Gryffindor Tower, I heard footsteps again, and slowed to a stop so I wouldn't abruptly run into anyone else. But these footsteps were slow and hesitant, pausing every now and then as though whoever it was wasn't quite sure of their way. I cautiously poked my head around the corner, and there was Severus. With one hand to his head, his hair in disarray, and his bloodshot eyes rolling around in confusion, he either looked drunk or... exhausted? Frowning, I hurried over to him and held onto his free arm.
"Severus, what's wrong with you? Are you hurt?" He jerked slightly as though he had just realized I was there, eyes barely able to focus on me as I bent my face into his line of sight.
"Remus," he said slowly, "I'm tired. Was looking for you." He was really out of it, his words slurred while his body swayed slightly.
"Severus, how long has it been since you slept?"
"Two days. Or... or three. I forgot. I'm tired, Remus."
"Merlin... why... oh, you can tell me later. Come on, you can come up to the tower with me. No one else is there. We have the place all to ourselves you know--"
"No! I'm not... not going up to that stupid... stupid Gryff..." He swayed backward dangerously, but I went around behind him and caught him in my arms, astonished at how light he felt.
"You're in no shape to argue with me," I said firmly, moving beside him but keeping my arm tight around my waist. "Come on now." I led him along, ignoring his half-hearted protests, through the Fat Lady's portrait, the common room, and up the spiral stairs, where he nearly fell twice.
"Here." I took him to the edge of my bed and pressed him down onto it. He sat looking at me blearily.
"Bloody hell."
"Er... what?"
"I'm in Gryffindor Tower," he groaned. More alert now, he stared at the other three beds suspiciously as though Sirius, James, and Peter would crawl out from under them any minute. I laughed at him.
"Oh, it's alright. They're gone. Everyone's gone. Just don't worry about it."
"Easy for you to say," he grumbled.
"Heh. You... you can lay down there, it's alright." Suggesting he lay on my bed made me feel incredibly nervous for some reason, be he just shrugged and did so, his eyes half closing as his head rested on my pillow. Then he yawned tremendously, and that seemed to calm my nerves somewhat. "Imagine you'll want to sleep..."
"Imagine so." His voice was very quiet; I went around the bed and sat on the edge of the other side to hear him better.
"Why, Severus...?" I asked, looking at him with concern as he turned his head toward me. "Have you been unwell? You can tell me, I won't..." I stopped talking as he shook his head slightly.
"I really... didn't want to go home. That's all."
"And you were worried that you would have to? That's why you didn't sleep?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
He shook his head again. "Secrets. Too many secrets. I have mine, you have yours. Even."
"I... alright." I just couldn't reason with that, and at the moment I really wanted him to rest. But still, what could have him so worried about going home that he wouldn't sleep for two or three days? "You can just go to sleep. We'll talk later."
"Wait." Rummaging around in the pockets of his robes, he came up with a tiny corked vial of liquid. "Need to drink this first."
"What is that?" I demanded, holding him arm back as he moved to open it. He shot me as baleful a look as he could manage with his weary eyes.
"Draught of Living Death."
"Draught of Living... Severus, where did you get that?"
"Made it. Let go, damn it."
"You... you made it? It's an extremely advanced potion, how could you..." In my surprise I had let go of him, and he swallowed the bottle's contents hastily.
"Well, I'm an extremely advanced person. Comes in handy, this does." I wanted to ask him more, but he held up a hand to stop me. "It's enough to put me to sleep for twenty-four hours. I won't be able to wake up for any reason before then, just so you know."
"Alright... but why do you need it now?"
"Was going to use it before anyway. But need it more now. I'm in Gryffindor Tower. Gryffindor's bed. Not... sleep... stupid." The potion was clearly taking effect, and his eyes had closed fully.
"Oh, right. When has the fact that I'm a Gryffindor ever stopped you from wanting to be around me?" I teased.
"Friend."
"W... what?"
"Friend. You are. Only real friend. Remus. Imbecile."
I grinned, very touched by this confession. "Ahhh... Severus..." was all I could say as I ran my fingers gently through his hair. He had a very small smile on his face and I was certain he was asleep until he opened one slightly.
"Don't take advantage of me now." And with that warning he finally was asleep, the way he soon began snoring lightly making that very evident. I chuckled, watching his face, more relaxed than I had ever seen it before.
"I wouldn't," I told him, even though he couldn't hear me.
The first few hours were alright. I tried reading a book and just relaxing, but every few sentences I remembered Severus was in the room and I had to look at him, so I eventually gave up. After that I just lay beside him, "to keep him company", I told myself. By that time his snores had greatly increased in volume, and it gave me great amusement to just watch him and grin without fear of him taking offense. It did make me wonder how his roommates managed to get any sleep at all. Not that I would ever ask him.
Lunch, a rather strange affair involving only myself, Dumbledore, and a few other professors, came and went, then it was back to Severus, who of course had not moved at all. I stared at him again for a long time. I attempted to read to him. I placed my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Finally I just stretched out next to him again, sighing.
"Well, Sev. Didn't exactly think our first day together would be so exciting, did you?" Turning my head as if to wait for his reply, I noticed his face was a bit shiny with sweat. I leaned over him, frowning. "Are you hot? Hm. Like asking you will help. I wonder..." It was very warm in the room, and he was still dressed in heavy robes, while I was in short sleeves.
Now, the idea of taking off Severus' clothes was appealing. It would be lying to say otherwise. But I wasn't sure if it would qualify in his way of thinking as "taking advantage" or not. He moaned softly, his brow wrinkling in distress, whether from dreams or the heat, I couldn't know.
"That's it. I'll at least get those robes off you. Maybe your shirt." I leaned back and stared. "Easier said than done."
Removing the robes actually wasn't that hard. All I needed to do was unclasp the front and pull the voluminous sleeves down over his arms. His head rolled around oddly during this process, and it wasn't exactly dignified-looking, but at least he wasn't able to protest. I eyed the black sweater he was wearing underneath and shook my head.
"I don't know, Sev. It's a bit much." But another glance at his pallid, sweating face decided me. I pulled his right arm straight out to the side --finding something very amusing about doing so, for some reason-- and slid his arm out of the sleeve. Or tried to. Then I tried to bend his arm and pull it out. Giving that up, I attempted to do the same with the other arm. I realized just maybe I should have put his arms over his head and pulled it off that way. Before I tore the fabric, would have been the idea.
"Shit," I whispered hopelessly.
------
"Bloody hell."
"Er... what?"
"I'm in Gryffindor Tower."
"I think that was established already, yeah."
"Agghh... where's that bloody light coming from?"
"Windows. Some people have them in their rooms. And sometimes they open the curtains and this thing called 'sunlight' comes in."
"Very funny. Get off me."
"No..." I yawned, nestling closer to Severus and keeping my arm around him tightly. I had been counting on him to wake up and not feel too angry at finding me there, because I hadn't been quite able to get myself to sleep on one of the other beds as long as he was in the room. When I sneaked a look at him, he only looked a little disapproving, so I took that as an encouragement.
"Remus... really. Let go."
"Nah."
"Lupin!"
"I can't... please Sev, don't make me."
"Lupin, I've just slept twenty-four hours and I have to piss. Would you Get off."
"Ah! S-sorry..." I scrambled away to show him to the bathroom, certain I was blushing to the roots of my hair as I stood outside waiting for him to finish.
"What the hell am I wearing?" I heard him rant soon enough, and I smiled as he came out to glare at me. "This is not my sweater."
"Yes, well... er... you were sweating, so I took off your robes and sweater. Er... sorta ripped it along the way. So I... well, what you're wearing now is your Christmas present. You seemed cold later. By that time I had worked out exactly how to do it. And... sorry about your sweater," I concluded, now totally embarrassed.
"The house elves can mend it anyway," he said, waving a hand dismissively. He was studying the sweater I had given him intently. It was a very deep shade of green, which I had already known would suit him. It had cost a deal of money, but I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him in it once I had seen it. "Christmas present...?"
'Yes... do you like it?"
"It's not black."
"Severus, all you wear is black. Live a little." I grinned again. "It's a Slytherin color anyway. And you look well in it. So?"
"I... of course I like it. Thank you." If he thought a scowl could hide the flush that had arisen on his face, he was sorely mistaken. Delighted, I took his hand and pulled him back to the room, where I was able to coax him to lay down again so that I could curl up and rest with my head against his stomach.
"Liked seeing me half-naked, did you?" he asked presently, one eyebrow arched while I laughed nervously.
"A... ah... Severus, I... wasn't trying to take advantage of you, you know that. And you're awfully skinny, you should eat more," I added, hoping to change the subject. The memory of his thin, pale body tugged at me though; I knew I was skinny myself, but Severus was nearly skeletal.
"I eat enough," he shrugged. I let the topic die there and just rested in silence, my hand on his chest, feeling it through the sweater's soft material as his long fingers idly stroked through my hair.
"Do you really hate Christmas that much?" I found myself asking him, a bit surprised at my own daring. He mused on that awhile, his eyes fixed overhead on something only he could see.
"Not really. It's an inconvenience, mostly."
"How is it an inconvenience? I didn't see you at the Yule Ball, for example. You certainly didn't let that inconvenience you." His derisive snort caused me to look up in time to see the sharp glance he cast at me.
"Idiocy. I suppose I knew you would like such things. Bet you even had a bloody date and everything."
"Well, I did go. But I didn't have a date," I replied, amused.
"What about that bast... Black. He's always so damned protective of you. And annoying. I thought maybe..." I laughed outright at that, while Severus looked highly affronted. "What?"
"Oh, Severus. Don't be jealous. Sirius likes girls. He likes girls a lot. You don't hear him at night, talking about which one he's taken to fancying each week and describing their attributes in... detail."
"Thank Merlin for the little things," he muttered, rolling his eyes. I laughed again.
"Besides, he thinks of me like his little brother. He told me so. Well, a better little brother," I added upon reflection, knowing how he liked to complain about Regulus. "That's why he tries to take good care of me. Besides being my friend, anyway."
"Bloody annoying, self-righteous, conceited bastard, irritating--" Paying no mind to his mumbled oaths against Sirius, I crawled over and stretched out on top of him, silencing his words with a firm kiss.
"Sev, behave yourself. It's Christmas."
"Damn Christmas, damn Black, and damn you," he growled.
"You're so endearing. Exactly why I like you so much." I smirked down at him before kissing him a second time, allowing his tongue to steal into my mouth while I pressed my body closer against his. When I broke away and looked at him again, I was pleased with his pacified expression.
"Now. You don't hate Christmas, really. You got your present from me already. It's fair I have mine, isn't it?" I was only trying to tease him, but if it turned out he didn't have a present for me, I was going to be very embarrassed very soon.
"I... yes, it's fair. We'll have to go to my room though." He was the one looking embarrassed, so I gave him another small kiss, then smiled.
"Great. Lead the way." Climbing off him with reluctance, I followed him out, glad now that I hadn't bothered to change into nightclothes the evening before.
The walk down to the dungeons was slow and involved Severus looking all around cautiously as though we were about to be caught doing something we shouldn't. I just trailed along after him, amused with his need to be dramatic, and didn't complain when he told me to put my fingers in my ears while he said the Slytherin common room password, and a section of the wall slid aside so we could enter.
I continued following Severus down to his dorm room, not impressed with the cold atmosphere. On the other hand, he seemed far more relaxed than normal, and didn't mind pointing out things and telling me about them. We were standing and talking this way beside his bed when something in the corner of my eye caught at my attention. It was on the nightstand, small and bright red. Suddenly curious, I turned toward it.
"Severus, what's--"
He quickly moved to snatch at it, but I was quicker. What I found myself holding on my palm was a red autumn leaf, perfectly preserved, not brittle but soft to the touch. "Severus, you..." I looked up at his reddening face. "This is a leaf from that day, isn't it? You saved it. You put a charm on it so it wouldn't break apart. I can't believe it." My voice was soft with wonder, and I continued to stare up at him while he struggled to speak.
"Is it really so hard?" he asked quietly, eyes averted. "So hard for you to believe I could ever be sentimental in any way?"
"No! It's... touching. You seem more human now."
"Oh, shut up."
"No, Sev, really..." I said, hugging him. "It's sweet to think you would do such a thing."
"Thank you." He sighed. "This is getting disgusting. Here." Pushing me away, he bent to open the nightstand drawer, then turned and hastily shoved two leather-bound books into my hands. "Er... Happy... Christmas."
I put the leaf back, then turned the books over in my hands, one black and the other dark red, otherwise identical. Both also completely blank and unlined. "What do--"
"What do they do, you ask now. Heh."
"No, it's just--"
"Yes, I know. Here. This one's mine, really." He took the black book from me, and quickly rummaged a quill and ink bottle from the drawer. "Open yours," he said, hand poised over his own open book. I did so, and as Severus began to write, I saw the word "Remus" appear in his small, spidery writing on the first page.
"Wow," I breathed, impressed. "Let me try." Taking the quill, I wrote "Severus" in my book, then looked in his to see it also appear there in my same rounded letters. "Incredible. Sev, you know how great this is, don't you?"
"Of course I do. It's my own charm."
"Brilliant. These will come in handy, I'm sure. Thanks," I said, my broad smile refusing to disappear.
"And I... here." He shoved something else at me while looking as though he had just handed over poison; I blinked rapidly in surprise.
"Chocolate. Oh, dear... Severus... you've just outdone yourself!" Dropping everything, I pounced on him, causing him to fall backward on his bed, where he lay dazed as I kissed him rather sloppily.
"Remus... get ahold of yourself, it's only chocolate... augh... gerroff, you prat! Not my ear!"
But I didn't listen, and his protests died away soon enough. We ended up laughing together, and somehow I wished it would never end.
------
The rest of our holiday sped by, and it was truly a wonderful time. We walked together through the snow that drifted over the grounds, played countless games of Wizard's Chess, and Severus even let me read to him while he was awake, which, although he wouldn't exactly admit to it, I know he enjoyed very much. I watched him as he relaxed and began to talk to me more, comfortable with just the two of us, and we did talk for hours into the night on just about every subject we could think of.
I knew even then that in the future I would always look back and treasure this time as being among the best I spent with him. Because when our relationship ran into difficulties, as it doubtless would, these memories would be no small comfort.
-------
Aww. Sorry I made them too cute again. :P It's gonna be two or three weeks until the next chapter is ready (I have a research paper to do), so I'll apologize in advance. BUT, I'm thinking of keeping their "journals" over on LiveJournal to tide me over; if anyone would like to read them when I start (which could be soon), just send me an email (which you can hopefully find from my user page, and if not you can find it from my DA account on the website link) and I'll set you up with the address. No charge. :P