------
Fallen Leaves - Chapter Seven
--
OWLs became my sole focus early on in fifth year, which was only natural, considering their importance. I say that they became my "sole" focus, but I only wish that were true. Because there was still Remus.
Remus with his soft brown hair, his careful hands, his captivating mouth. Those oddly yellow eyes that seemed to hold as much warmth as his arms did whenever he would put them around me, when we were safe together, out of sight of anyone else. Come to think of it, he was always so warm no matter how cold I was, so inviting no matter how irritable I was, so... distracting no matter how focused Ithought I was.
Damn him.
Even so, I came to rely on Remus somewhat, at least in a small way. He was one constant in a life that was too often unpredictable.
I should have been angrier, I think, that time after my Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL, when the enfuriating... incident occurred. Talking about it afterward does no good, and I have no desire to do so. But Iwas angry: angry at Potter and Black for their cocky arrogance, angry at that sniveling worm Pettigrew for even being present, angry at the crowd of onlookers only there to jeer at me, angry at Remus for just sitting there with his face buried in his book as if he was not aware of what was taking place. He was a bloody prefect, couldn't he stop them? Wasn't it his duty?
Even if he had stepped in, I don't believe I would have really wanted his help. And he was their friend. I was essentially his forbidden lover. I imagine that I forgave Remus for doing nothing only because I had an irrational fear of losing him. Being irrational goes against my very nature, but somehow, I could not banish that fear. It pulled at me at night, where in the darkness I could not read my books or study my notes or do any number of other things I typically used to keep my mind busy with other things, to keep those thoughts away. The fear of losing Remus almost outweighed my fear of returning home in its intensity.
So when he found me later that day, near dusk, leaning up against our tree by the lake and staring out at the water, I only turned away from him at first.
"Severus, please. I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen, you know I didn't. But I couldn't do... anything. I'm afraid you think I'm a coward... well, I know I am. I'm just really sorry... Severus?"
When I didn't respond, he did one of the things I hate most: he took both of my hands in his, then pulled them up to either side of his face, cupping them there so that it seemed Ihad to look into those eyes, our faces so close that I almosthad to kiss him out of reflex. And I did kiss him then, a slow, lingering kiss that left me unbearably aroused, only intensified by the close proximity of our bodies. I wanted him, and he knew it; somehow we ended up on the ground together, his smaller body trapped under mine, his hands tangling through my hair as we continued to kiss. The dark shadows of a moonless night cloaked us while we loosened clothing just enough, and he surrendered to my urgent thrusts, crying out in mixed pleasure and pain beneath me.
Remus was mine. It was almost as though I had to assert that ownership now, by claiming his body. Remus was mine, and nothing those bastards could do was going to take him from me.
When I pulled away, I leaned back over to whisper in his ear.
"Apology accepted."
His answering smile was enough to melt the rest of the days shame away.
------
"You want to study for NEWTs? My god, Sev... it's only two weeks into our sixth year. You have more than a year left!" Remus' incredulous tone made me shake my head. He could not possibly understand how important it was for me to do well. "Besides," he grinned, "you could take your NEWTsnow and get top marks. You study too much."
"Some of us don't believe that lounging around all day is an acceptable pastime. Intelligent people such as myself know that the pursuit of knowledge is far superior." I smirked down at him. "And I can't help it you hang round with pathetic little wankers who--"
"Severus!"
"Ow," I muttered, rubbing the back of my head. "What the hell'd you do that for?"
He gave me an admonishing look, as if that would do any good. "You're being rude again." Then he smiled. I noticed that his pupils seemed to be dilating very slowly. We were standing outside behind a large courtyard column, and the sun had nearly set, a half-disk of glowing light at the horizon. It had only been by chance that I had found him alone out here, and at first he really had not seemed happy to see me.
I was about to question him about his eyes when he grabbed my head and pulled it down to kiss me hungrily; of course what I had been thinking of fled my mind immediately. "Listen," he said as he released me, slightly breathless. "I have to go now."
"Where--"
"I just have to go. Next week let's meet out here every night, what do you say?" he asked with a devious grin.
"I... suppose... why next week?" I was baffled momentarily, but soon grew suspicious. "Where are you going?"
"I just have something to take care of. Go on and study, like you wanted." He waved at me before he disappeared from sight around the side of the castle, and confusion began to war with trust in my mind for a long time before I could turn away to go back inside.
He's always doing this. Leaving with no explanation. I think this is another time I won't see him for awhile.
There would be no use studying now, I realized. My thoughts were quickly becoming tied up with the mystery of Remus' regular disappearance. Wandering slowly down a first floor corridor, I went over everything I knew again.
It happens once a month, usually. When he comes back he seems weaker, and paler. Like he's been ill. But what kind of illness happens once a month like that? I certainly know Remus isn't a girl.
I snorted when that thought ran through my mind. Definitely not a girl. But there was always the matter of why he simply wouldn't tell me what it was. There had to be something I was missing...
Absently, I glanced out the window I was passing. And saw Remus.
He was walking across the grounds, accompanied by... I squinted hard to see through the dim light. Was that Pomfrey? They were heading in the direction of the Whomping Willow, that dangerous tree that had been planted when we were in first year. I turned on my heel immediately, determined to find out where they were going, now that I had seen them. A shadow fell across my path, and I jerked my head up to see Sirius Black standing there in front of me.
Instantly, through a much used reflex, my wand was in my hand and leveled at his face, but he caught me offguard by simply yanking it away from me so fast that he must have planned it. I stumbled forward in shock, and he easily caught me with a broad hand across my chest. All I could do was lean there momentarily, still too shocked to do anything else as he tilted his face down close to mine.
"Well, well. Going somewhere, are we, Snivellus?"
He was much too near. My stomach turned over, as if I was going to be sick. In one smooth movement, he pushed me backward and I retreated a few steps, to a safer distance.
"Shut up, you stupid bastard. And give me my damned wand back." Black's arrogant expression darkened momentarily, as though he would like nothing better than to snap back at me, but he composed himself quickly.
"You shouldn't talk that way to someone who can show you something you'll be interested in. Plus there's the fact that Ido have your wand." He twirled it between his fingers lazily, flashing that smug look at me that always made my blood boil in hatred.
"I don't know whatyou could possibly know that would interest me," I said coolly, folding my arms and trying to look nonchalant. But I could feel myself shaking. Because if it was about Remus...
"You want to know about Remus, I think. And I know something about the two of you that has me very curious."
It felt like the blood was draining from my face. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my eyes from darting back to the window although I knew Remus was long out of sight. Focusing on Black, I finally noticed that he was holding a folded piece of parchment in the hand that didn't hold my wand; when he saw the direction of my gaze, he hastily stuffed it into his pocket. "What's--"
"Never mind," he said, moving a step closer. I took a step back.
"Why would you tell me anything?"
"Because I feel sorry for you sometimes, being a greasy little loser and all," he smirked, although I highly doubted he had ever really done such a thing.
"Look, you dumb shit, if you don't have something to say just give me--"
"Watch it." He finally gave in to anger at my words, although my triumph was short-lived. "I know something about Remus that I thinkyou want to know. Am I right?"
I glared at him in frustration. I was the one with the secret, Black shouldn't know anything about Remus that I didn't, it wasn't fair, I wanted control of the situation. "Tell me," I growled at last, fists clenched tightly at my sides.
"Well," Black began. He was taking his time, seeming to enjoy it. I loathed him more than ever. "If you were to head over to the Willow... you might notice there's a big knot on the trunk. If you were to, say, take a long stick and poke that knot with it, then..."
"Then what?"
"The rest is for you to discover." Without warning, he tossed my wand straight at me; while I was busy grabbing for it, he had already turned and was walking away without another word. I stared after him, slightly comforted by the wand's familiar weight in my hands, but too distracted to think of hexing him.
It was a trap. Some sort of trick. But Remus...
My mind made up, I hurried back in the direction I had just come.
------
Fortunately the moon was full, and I could easily see where I was going as I made my way across the grounds toward the Whomping Willow. The night seemed full of strange dark shapes, all twisting menacingly toward me. Despite my resolve, I felt a heavy sense of dread that I could not explain.
Finding a long stick was easy. The hard part was getting near the Willow safely. Actually, I realized that "safely" was going to be an impossibility once I stood before the tree at last, watching the branches writhing and snapping as if they sensed I would soon come within their range. If this was all a joke, and the tree was about to beat me within an inch of my life for no reason, I was going to kill Black. If I didn't kill him anyway, on principle.
Jaw clenched, I darted forward, determined to get close enough to press the knot as quickly as possible, and not take too much damage. The first branch glanced off the side of my ribcage, luckily not hard enough to leave anything more than a bruise. The second branch cut across my face, slashing the corner of my mouth, and I tasted blood. By that time I was near enough, and I thrust the branch straight out and felt it connect with the tree trunk.
I was filled with an immense satisfaction when the Willow stopped moving completely. I had done it, and I wasn't in bad shape. There was a gap in the roots of the tree, and I somehow knew that was where I had to go next. To find Remus. Everything had taken on something of a surreal quality, as I could not imagine what would necessitate all of this just for him to hide his secret...
The tunnel beyond the gap was dark and seemed very long, as well as being terribly cramped for someone of my height. Tired of groping along the walls, I muttered a quick "Lumos" to illuminate the way with my wand outstretched before me. After what felt like forever a light finally appeared ahead. A dim light, which--
An eerie howl suddenly cut through the silence, and I froze, terrified by how close it sounded. What kind of creature made such a horrible noise?
"Snape!"
Someone was shouting my name not far back along the tunnel. I turned back briefly to see a light bobbing toward me, then faced forward again, more curious about what was ahead than behind.
It hadn't been there before. But now it was.
I couldn't see it completely with the amount of available light, but what I could see froze me in place once more. It had a basic human form, but the size of the limbs was all wrong, too long and covered in what appeared to be fur. The head was misshapen, with a long snout and fangs instead of a regular nose and teeth. Pointed ears and long, curving, paw-like hands ending in claws were all I had the time left to notice before the creature turned and seemed to stare straight at me.
The eyes were more easily seen than anything else, because they gleamed in the faint light. And they were oddly yellow, the pupils dilated enormously.
No. It wasn't true.
Whether or not it had really seen me I didn't know. Someone was there behind me, and they moved around to forcibly push me back down the tunnel toward the entrance, which I allowed, feeling too numb to do anything else. I came to realize it was Potter who was helping me along, Potter asking me if I had been hurt, Potter who had probably just saved my life. But I said nothing.
Outside again, I started to sprint away from the tree without heeding Potter's shouts behind me, the hot shame I thought I had banished long ago flooding through me again. Running away, as though that would change anything I had just discovered.
My Remus was a werewolf.
No. That wasn't my Remus.
I tripped over a dark shape and tumbled headlong down a hill, and the world turned mercifully black.
------
I should have realized. The moon was always full when Lupin disappeared. And he never reappeared until it began to wane again. I should have realized. How could I have missed it?
"He's a monster! How could you allow a dark creature like that to attend this school? Don't you realize the danger you've put us all in? No, I will not calm down! I want to know why--"
Yes, distance yourself from him. He is a monster. A monster who would plan for years to betray you in one of the most elaborate "pranks" ever devised by him and his scheming friends.
"--could have killed me, theyplanned to commit murder, it's perfectly clear! They should be expelled immediately, and--"
The past didn't matter. What mattered was that Lupin had been playing a part all along, and he had played it well. Whether it had started out as a joke or not didn't matter either. Potter had realized the risk he was taking and had backed out to save me at the last minute. He was only scared of being caught, scared of the consequences he would face should their plot be discovered. I didn't need to speak to Lupin to know it was all true. Because in my mind, it was.
"...I understand I can't tell anyone. But I don't understand why you just won't listen to me when I say you're making a terrible mistake..."
I really can't trust anyone, can I?
------
The air held a definite chill a week later as I sat outside, leaning against a courtyard column at dusk. Footsteps approached, but they weren't enough to distract me from my contemplation of a waning moon hanging low over the horizon. Someone sat close beside me; it wasn't necessary to look to know who it was.
"Severus..."
I didn't hear anything more. I chose not to. It wasn't important anyway, because I knew the truth.
Soon I stood up and walked away, no thought of looking back. Only dimly aware that the crumbled remains of a blood-red leaf were dropping out of my hand and fluttering behind me on the breeze.
------
That could be the end, yes. What do you all think?