It had been three months since their first "official" date, and Eric still couldn't believe he was actually dating Calleigh Duquesne. Maybe that was because, at times, it didn't feel much like he was. That's not to say that they didn't go out together, or even that they didn't sometimes stay in together. That wasn't the issue though, it was more the way she seemed to regard their relationship.
Nobody they worked with knew about them. That had been a ground rule Calleigh had set from the beginning. She didn't want personal and professional lives to mix, and Eric agreed that it would just cause problems if they did. In truth, it wasn't a hard rule to stick to. At work there were bigger issues to deal with and outside of work they wanted a break from all they'd seen during the day. Things should have been going smoothly and, in theory, they were. There was just one thing that was bothering him, and it was that Calleigh didn't seem to be as serious as he wanted to be. She participated in the relationship, sure, and he felt that she genuinely cared for him, but she also seemed to be holding back from him. It was as though there was a part of her that would shatter if he were granted access to it. He felt it wasn't fair to constantly pin the blame on her rotten childhood, but he couldn't think of any other reason for Calleigh to shut him out. It worried him and he knew he couldn't ignore it for much longer. He had to talk to her eventually.
X
Calleigh was once again on the range, firing practice shots. The dilemma on her mind that day was Eric.
She could tell he was beginning to notice something was wrong. There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to be swept up with him on the journey towards, well, wherever it was he wanted them to be. The bigger part of her however, couldn't help but drag its heels. And the worst part of it all was that she'd been having nightmares lately. Her mind, for the first time in months, began to fixate on what must have happened in that jewelry store. The same dream played over and over all night, every night. Except…except it wasn't Speed she saw in her dream, it was Eric.
She pulled the trigger. Again, again, again. She had come to a decision.
X
Eric was walking through the parking lot of the CSI building when his cell phone rang.
"Delko."
"Eric, are you off yet?"
"Yeah, I'm leaving."
"Good, I'm coming over to talk."
Shit. She sounded serious, which meant it couldn't be good. He tried to play it cool.
"Alright, I'll be home in about ten minutes."
When he pulled into his apartment parking lot, he saw her car in front of his complex. She was leaning against the driver's side door, sunglasses on and hands in her pockets, looking confidently Calleigh. As he walked up to her he leaned in for a kiss, but she pushed him away.
"Let's go inside," she said.
Wordlessly, he followed her up the stairs and opened the door to his apartment. He set his keys on the front table and watched as she started pacing the living room. She stopped in front of his bookshelf and reached up to run her fingers over the spines. Her back was to him, but through her shirt he could see the stiffness of he shoulders.
"Calleigh?" he asked tentatively. A thought struck him. "Calleigh, are you pregnant?" For a brief moment he let hope replace his worry. A baby. A little Calleigh.
His worry returned when she shook her head.
"No. Eric, we have tostop this."
He looked away and decided to play dumb."Stop what?"
"This, Eric. The whole thing. You know what I mean," she said exasperatedly.
He did know and, although he had seen this coming from a mile away, he didn't feel prepared for it. He certainly didn't know how to convince her to stay.
"Don't do this, Calleigh," he said, his voice flat, covering his emotions.
"Why not? Give me one good reason."
One good reason? "Because I care about you," he said.
"That's it?" she said rudely. "You care about me? We're coworkers Eric, we have complications if we care." She looked back to the books. "Besides, love doesn't make the world go round, you know." She started towards the door and he caught her arm as she passed him.
"Oh, is that your excuse, then?" he spat at her. "God forbid two people who spend day in and day out together actually care for each other. Because that would be the end of your little world, wouldn't it? The perfect existence that you maintain would be ruined wouldn't it, because you let yourself feel something? You've grown up too cynical, Calleigh."
"Jesus, Eric, that's not fair!" she hissed. "Not everyone can have the perfect family and the perfect life, like you."
"No, but there are people out there who are worse off than you and what are they doing? They're living! Are you?"
Her hand came across his face, hard and swift.
"Don't you dare talk about things you know nothing about!"
She shoved him out of the way and he made no move to stop her as she left. As soon as the door slammed shut, he felt horrible. He'd been too angry at her ability to brush him off to stop himself from saying the things he'd said.
He tried to call her cell phone, but she didn't answer. Damn caller ID. He knew better than to go to her though, unless he wanted a repeat performance of the slap. He'd let her cool down and then he'd go to her and apologize. In the meantime he needed to talk to someone.
X
"Eric!" Marisol opened her front door to find her little brother standing on the stoop. She ushered him in and sat him at the kitchen table, handing him a soda.
"Where are the kids?" Eric asked.
"They're with mom, she wanted to spend some time with them. Luis is still at work."
Eric nodded, at a loss for wordsthat wouldcontinue theidle conversation, but not knowing how to begin talking about what was bothering him. Luckily, Marisol broached the subject for him.
"So what happened to your cheek?" she asked, eyeing the red mark on his face.
He sighed, rolling thecan between his palms. "Calleigh and I had a fight."
"Oh Eric, what did you do?"
He looked up at her, surprised she could so quickly pin the blame on him.
"Don't look at me like that," she said. "A woman doesn't slap a man for no reason. What happened?"
"She came over to break up. We ended up yelling at each other. I—I may have said some not so nice things to her."
"Eric!"
"I was angry, Marisol. What did I do that she could just blow me off like that?" He looked up at her with hurt eyes. She softened slightly, wishing she could help make it better.
"She's probably scared."
Scared?
"Of what?" he asked.
"Of being in another relationship. From what I could tell, her last relationship was pretty serious."
The last relationship Eric had known Calleigh to be in was with John Hagen. She'd always managed to seem annoyed by the man, how could that have been serious?
"It must be tough trying to deal with the death someone you love," Marisol continued. "I don't know how I'd cope if I ever lost Luis."
Wait, what?
"Marisol, what are you talking about?"
"Calleigh! It must be hard for her to move on. You should have been more understanding."
Understanding of what? Marisol seemed to be talking nonsense.
"I don't think I'm following what you mean," he said.
"It's not brain surgery," Marisol said, unable to comprehend why he was being so dense. "If a woman has a man she cares for and then said man dies, said woman might feel guilty for being interested in another man."
"Are you saying Calleigh had a relationship with a guy who died?"
"Yes!"
"Where did you get that idea?"
"Calleigh told us. What? Didn't you know about it?"
"No," he said, furrowing his brow.
"Well, I don't think you she lied to us, so you must not have been paying much attention to her." She sounded accusatory.
"Hey, I've had my own worries to deal with, remember? One of my best friends died." He stopped short. No way. He would have known if Calleigh and Speed were together. Everybody would have. They worked too closely together for there to be a secret like that, right? After all, he had assumed that, although they were keeping it under wraps, everybody knew about himself and Calleigh.
He stood up. "I have to go talk to her," he said.
Marisol nodded. "Just try to be understanding of what she's going through," she said as she walked him to the door. She watched him cut across the lawn to his car and thought that, despite everything, Calleigh was a very lucky woman to have a man like Eric in love with her.
X
Calleigh slammed her front door with such force that the pictures she had hanging on the wall rattled. Her hand still ached and she felt a lump in her throat, making her wish desperately that she could cry. She didn't have Speed and she sure as heck didn't have Eric now, when had her life taken such a turn? No. Her life had always been like this. It was just that this time she wasn't sure how to smile through it.
What was the big deal anyway? It wasn't as though she and Eric had been serious. Why did she feel so crappy about the whole thing? She entered her bathroom and leaned against the sink, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed and she felt rather warm. Maybe it was just PMS. In a couple days she'd start her period, her hormones would even out and she'd feel normal again. Yep, PMS, guaranteed to make an already rotten situation, worse,
She briefly considered indulging in a bath or a shopping spree or even a nap, but she knew none of those things would settle her mind. She started pacing around her apartment, picking up knick-knacks and looking at pictures. She felt stifled suddenly, and so headed out the door to continue her pacing through the neighborhood.
She had been out for half an hour, the sun was quickly disappearing, and she still had no intentions of going back to her apartment when she heard a car engine rumbling behind her.
"Calleigh!"
She didn't bother to turn around.
"Calleigh, please, we need to talk!"
Was he going to cause a scene?
"I know about Speed, Calleigh!"
She froze. Slowly she turned and saw him, one hand on the wheel as he leaned out the window. His eyes were pleading, desperate and sad, all at once. She hadn't seen him look like that since Speed's funeral.
Almost against her will, she went to his car and got in. She sat, silent, as he drove on. She paid no attention to where he was going, but noticedwhen hepulled into an empty parking lot. He parked and turned off the car. The silence pressed against her ears and made her feel as though she should say something to fill it.
"How'd you find out?" she asked.
"Marisol told me what you'd said. She thought I already knew."
She nodded. She should have expected that eventually. They both fell silent again.
"How long?" Eric finally asked.
She didn't answer right away, feeling annoyed by the question. Why should she have to divulge to him all the things that had become her private source of pain? She felt like a teenage girl who had just gotten grounded before prom…it wasn't fair.
"Long enough," she said, but immediately felt as though she owed him a better explanation. After all, the three of them had shared a lot, and Speed had been Eric's best friend. How did it feel for him to find out Speed had been hiding something from him? Or maybe it was different for guys? Either way she suddenly felt compelled to explain.
"Long enough that he bought a ring for me the week before he…a week before."
"Jesus, Calleigh, I didn't know."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"But I said some horrible things earlier. You're right, I shouldn't make assumptions of things I know nothing about."
"It's alright, you were angry, I know you didn't mean it."
"It still doesn't excuse it," he said. She still didn't say anything, so he continued. "Calleigh, I want you to know that I'll be here for you. We're still friends and I care about you."
"Eric…" Her voice held a warning to stay away from the subject he was broaching.
"Calleigh, I'm not going to lie to you. I care about you as a friend and I care about you as more than a friend."
"I care about you too, but we can't be together," she said.
"And why's that?"
"Because we work together."
He cocked his head. This was shaping up to sound like their previous argument. "Oh come on, give me a valid excuse."
"Fine. I care too much to lose you. Are you happy now?"
"Is that what's bothering you? You're afraid I'll end up like Speed?"
She hadn't let herself consciously think it, but she knew he had hit the nail on the head.
"Just let it go, would you?" she asked.
"No. I won't. You can't become someone who's scared to take chances."
"I'm not scared!" she spat at him.
"Then don't push me away like this. I'm willing to let you have all the time and support you need, but don't shut me out."
"You don't understand."
"Don't understand? Calleigh, I lost a good friend when Speed died. Don't you think I get scared too?"
"Eric, I don't think I could handle it if it happened a second time. Sometimes I'm not even sure I'm handling it this time."
At that he reached out to embrace her and she let him, even though she was embarrassed for exposing what she felt to be weakness.
"It's not going to happen a second time, I promise," he said.
"You can't promise something like that."
Her words hung in the air and he turned them over in his mind, contemplating whether or not his next words would be worth saying.
They were.
"Calleigh, I don't ever want to leave you."